Dating After Fortyeight
Thursday, February 6, 2020
Sunday, January 12, 2020
Reflection 2020
Ever watch a true-life movie an
at the end they have little snippets about what happened to the people in the
movie? This got me thinking about my blog I started about dating ten years
ago.
It was a bold move to write about
my dating adventures as a scientific endeavor. Before that I just went out with
who asked me. Never mind if they were a good fit or not. They usually weren’t. Here
is what I learned about the nature of relationships or more importantly the
nature of a good relationship.
- Love yourself first. If you don’t treat yourself well, you’ll end up attracting people who do not value you. Start a relationship with yourself. Define your good points. Say affirmations. Do whatever it takes to feel good about you. It can be setting a small goal and reaching it. Maybe it could be pursuing a hobby or traveling. Whatever it is, go for it, because you’ve waited long enough to get to know who you really are.
- You don’t have to put up with being treated bad. Seriously, you don’t. The first time I told a man I did not like being spoken to in a disrespectful manner, my knees were shaking. The man acted taken back, but he never spoke to me in such a way, again. You certainly don’t have to date people who don’t treat you well. There are plenty of people who will treat you well.
- We all make mistakes. Accept it. Fix it. Move on. Almost everyone has had a bad date or a bad relationship. It happens. What I never want to be is a person who either moans about the perfect guy who got away or complains about a terrible ex. It happened, learn from it, and move on. Social media can be the perfect platform to obsess about a failed relationship. Don’t make the mistake of cyber stalking.
- Dating is not a competitive sport. Going on a bunch of dates and bragging about it on social media doesn’t make you a winner. In fact, this behavior will backfire especially when you find that certain person you want to spend more time with. Many people will jump into a rebound relationship to prove to their ex that they are desirable. These relationships are based on insecurity and neediness, which aren’t the basis of a stable relationship.
- Decide what you need in a partner. Be honest. Make a list. Be realistic. (You won’t believe how many men put former playmate or supermodel on their list.) Decide what is a deal breaker. If you love dogs and can’t imagine life without out, then dog lover is a must.
- Appearance isn’t as important as it was when you were sixteen. Trying to define what a significant other looks like limits your possibilities of meeting someone you really click with. I can honestly say I went out with some gorgeous guys with zero personality. They didn’t have to work on developing one because people judged them by their outward attractiveness.
- Never give up your interests or your ‘me’ time. When I was younger, a friend would vanish while she was dating someone. She’d show up again after they split. This was common behavior, but not healthy. Too often, we expect a significant other to provide for all our intellectual, emotional, and physical needs. This type of expectation dooms a relationship. It works both ways, too. While you need ‘me' or friend time, your partner does, too.
- Be grateful. In a consumer-driven society, often we are focused on what we don’t have. Be thankful for what you do have. You have more than you think. Write it down. Keep adding to the list when you remember something good. Even bad situations can teach you something to avoid in the future. Feet issues kept me fairly immobile for about a year. Each step now is a moment of thanksgiving.
- Grow. Don’t be afraid to change. Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. This applies to dating and relationships, too. If things haven’t worked out well, start by changing one thing.
- Don’t start the scrapbook on date one. Most women tend to get emotionally invested fast. A date goes well and she’s already considering if her parents or friends will like him. This type of behavior often jeopardizes a budding relationship. It can also convince a person to stay in a mediocre relationship because of a time or emotional investment. Been there, done that. One way to avoid this is not to date exclusively until you’re sure.
- Be able to let go when a relationship isn’t working. It might mean you’ll be alone, but that is hundred percent better than being in an abusive relationship. There are different kinds of abuse besides physical. There’s emotional, financial, and sexual.
- Always be yourself. I should have led with this one. So many folks complain that their spouse changed once they married. What happened is they dropped their dating behavior and became who they really were. If you aren’t who you are, quirks and all, how can anyone truly know and love you?
- Don’t make the grand gesture early on. An average guy decided to pull out all the stops on the first date. He picked up his date in a limo, took her to an exclusive restaurant and wowed her. Sounds like a movie, right. He blew his budget on the first date. When he attempted to take her to lesser places, she was upset and felt cheated. Too often, we do too much, too early and set a precedent we can’t keep on meeting without a struggle and a boatload of resentment.
- Be bold. One reluctant dater was told to make twenty-one dates in twenty-one days. At first, it was pure agony for the shy man. By date six, he was finding his rhythm.
- Because our world is an uncertain place. Tell at least one person where you are going. Meet your date as opposed to being picked up. Choose a public venue for first dates. Always have your cell charged up. I only had one scary date and I was glad I drove.
- Don’t expect perfection. Dating can be anxiety provoking for your date, too. People sometimes do goofy things. If the person doesn’t come across as a total jerk, give them some slack. Meeting someone you click with is fairly rare, so don’t throw away someone because he hasn’t read your favorite book or listens to your type of music.
- Dating can be work. No seriously. People never say that. Instead, of binge watching a series with your dog and enjoying a glass of wine, you have to get ready for the test. Often, dates have a list of questions the police would do well to adopt for interrogations.
- If possible, make the date a pleasant experience by doing something together such as creating a craft, enjoying a street fair, or going to Comicon. Something that is interactive such as an escape room is good, too. It makes it less like an interview.
- Always remember you matter. You don’t have to be in a relationship. This is about enriching your life. Maybe you are fine with how your life is currently. Does your significant other bring out your better qualities? If you don’t like who you are with this person, then leave, and be clear about it, too. Some folks are hanging out just waiting for their old flame to return because they were given the soft goodbye.
- Remember, it's your life and you are in charge of it.
This is most of what I have
learned from my year of scientific dating. When you find the right one, cherish
him or her. I count myself lucky to have found someone I clicked with and loved
me at my most authentic. Ironically, early on, he discovered my blog and had a
better clue of who I was. We’ve been together nine years and will be celebrating
eight years married. Each year is actually better than the last. It would have
been so easy for me to miss out on this wonderful man. He was nervous in the
beginning. Can’t remember what we said, but I do remember him checking his
phone for the time. I thought he was anxious to get away, but he was more
worried about blowing the date and wanted to end on a good note. It’s all about
perception. Obviously, we got past our various perceptions and got to know one
another.
In being true to ourselves, as
opposed to others’ expectations, we were married in Vegas at the Graceland Wedding
Chapel with an Elvis impersonator walking me down the aisle. I cherish the
memories because together, we chose to do exactly what we wanted.
Decide what
you want in life. It’s never too late to get it.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Are You Desperate?
I’m currently binge-watching Midsomer Murders. One of the main characters is always on the
lookout for the one. He explains to
his married co-worker that as a single man in his mid-thirties his time is
running out. The man comes on too strong to almost every available woman he
meets. The women shut him down. While this is funny for the viewer, it isn’t so
hot in real life.
The viewer knows Inspector Jones is a decent person who has
a wide variety of interests and a job. Still, he reeks of desperation. People never
want what is easy or even achievable. A perfectly nice guy shows up on the
scene wanting to take a woman out and she might even think, “What’s wrong with
him?” Never mind the fact she had been complaining about the dearth of single
men.
There’s a rationale that a person wouldn’t be single
or divorced if they were so great. Those
who use this reasoning seldom apply it to themselves. Most men will tell you
they meet women when they actually became involved with one. The reason is they
gave off a different vibe as opposed to a man on the hunt. The committed man
may be friendly, which makes him much easier to be around. Ask a friend for an
honest appraisal of how you’re coming across.
Desperate comes across as needy and lacking in confidence.
Despite what advertising tells you is sexy from sports cars to sunglasses.
Confidence does it every time. Desperation is the opposite of confidence. It
tells people you think you aren’t worthy of consideration. You grasp at any
possible date since you expect none. Ever wonder why often the crude bad boy
wows women with a few backhanded compliments. He’s telling her he doesn’t need
her. While this works for the bad boy most of the time, I wouldn’t advise it
for the common man. The average guy
could be more mysterious as opposed to insulting.
The best way to present yourself is in smaller time
segments. See someone at work or near work. You could start out by smiling or
saying hello. You can move on to casual comments about the weather or the
weekend. This sets the groundwork.I also if you put it all out there on the first meet, you have a better chance of being shot down. People react to what is happening in their life on that day. A tearful not interested could be due to bad news, death of a pet or even a loss of a job. Keeping it light allows you to continue to be there without being a stalker. It
allows the woman to make the decision if she wants to know you better.
Once you get a date, don’t explain your need to marry as
soon as possible. While the woman may have similar aspirations hearing it, come
out of someone else’s mouth sounds scary. Now some people would complain this
take time. It does. So far, what has worked?
How does desperate look on women? It is a bit unfair, but
women already start with the unearned reputation of being desperate if single
and over thirty. Desperate is transforming yourself to look like Malibu Barbie,
hanging out at the bar until closing time, asking all your friends, co-workers,
and relatives about available men. The last while it seems like a good thing has
people talking about how desperate you are to meet men.
Most of your friends know you’re single and up for meeting
someone. Broadcasting it all the time is over the top. Constantly reviewing the
left hand on a man is obvious too. Although many men in a physical job such as
construction don’t wear a wedding ring. Often traveling businessmen forget
their rings for different reasons.
You often meet people when you aren’t expecting too. A
friend met his wife who was a pharmacist at where he got his
prescriptions filled. We are most often able to find a forever type of person
when working on a shared passion such as conservation or sports. Do what you
want to do from travel to astronomy instead of waiting for someone to do it
with. You could encounter someone doing the same thing. If not, you still had a good time.
Watch how you dress. Clothes can give out unintended
messages. Most men would respect a woman who dresses appropriately for an
event. A recent trip to the ballpark, I saw several women in T-shirts, shorts
and a ball cap. The woman with an elaborate hairdo, spandex dress, and stilettoes
juggling her nachos and margarita came off not only as desperate, but also high
maintenance.
Like men, hold back on revealing your plans for a tropical
honeymoon, especially until after the engagement. Too much, too soon scares people. You can also make the mistake of betting on someone who isn’t worth
keeping. People reveal themselves bit by bit. Many short-term marriages
occurred because people failed to get to know each other. Often, when we feel desperate we grab at anyone and then are afraid to let go when it becomes obvious that it's not meant to be.
Remember, you are a prize and act accordingly. A man or
woman would be lucky to be with you.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Ducks, D*ck Pics, and Lies
Hong Kong singles may be the most desperate, but sometimes I
do wonder about Americans. Reason number one is the number of men who think
sending a photo of their genitals will land them a date with a woman they’d
never met. Let me explain the real sequence of events.
Woman receives pic
and grimaces. She may have even considered the man for a date until he made
this mistake. She then shows it to her girlfriends who comment on the pic and
the man who sent it. Neither fare well. Issues are raised that it wasn’t his
own photo and that any man who resorts to this juvenile behavior has nothing to
offer.
Men who are good conversationalists, high earners, or have
an adventurous spirit do not resort to vulgar photos. It doesn’t mean a woman
might not be looking for an intimate relationship, but that comes over time and
not through an organ survey. A man would fare better with a candid travel or
hobby snapshot. A woman’s mind doesn’t work the same as a man’s. Most would
appreciate some attempt at romance.
It doesn’t take too much effort to separate the d*ck photo
men from the non-vulgar photo men. It might be harder to separate the liars
from the non-liars. Strangely, people have a hard time picking out lies in a
dating profile. The main reason is they want to believe the untruths. Trust me;
I should know, since an international diamond buyer contact me. I busted his
story since I knew custom laws and that I knew he couldn’t pass through
countries with his dog. Some lies take more work to uncover. There’s now an app for
that.
What you can do on your own is look for a lack of the I and
Me pronouns in a profile. An average person would use these pronouns when describing
their likes and dislikes in a profile. The difference is simple to spot.
Compare I’ve always been a fan of horse
racing to Horse racing is a
stimulating past time. The second sounds like it came from an ad from the
closest track. The writer didn’t say he or she was a fan in the second example.
Keep in mind; people lie with photos too. I questioned a potential date, about his photo
with a small airplane. He apparently neither owned it, nor could fly. He
insisted a person could take a photo with anything they wished. While his
statement was true, he also knew women would assume he could fly edging out men
without airplanes.
Too good to be true stories are right up there with airplane
photos. Most of us live very ordinary lives with moments of adventure. Millionaire jet setters will not be using an
ordinary dating site. I did meet a man from a reality-based television show
that no one watched via a dating site. Wasn’t totally convinced, he wasn’t
married, though. Which brings us to the biggest lie of all, being in a
relationship.
We naturally assume if a person isn’t in a relationship if
on a dating site. Statistics cite that an average of twenty-five percent of
people are married, engaged, or otherwise committed on dating sites. The
numbers are higher depending on the site. If the person is unavailable at prime
time such as weekends, wants to call you as opposed to you calling and is vague
about personal information take it as warning signs. Take a lesson from the female duck.
Wild ducks are always on the search for the best provider and
co-parent for future ducklings. I used to be surprised to see two male Mallards
and one female Mallard in the spring. The female will allow multiple males to
court her as she decides on the best male. She’ll even dump one male for
another until the time she actually lays her eggs. How does this apply to
non-feathered females?
Too often women will settle stating they invested too much
time in a relationship. It could be true, but no matter how much time you invested
in a bad relationship, it could still be bad. If an unsatisfactory relationship
is sucking the life out of you, do you want to continue it? This is the time
you get out your paper and make a pros and cons list. Ask a friend to help
since he or she will have no investment in the relationship. Not settling takes
tremendous courage. Be glad you can evaluate what is good or not good in a
relationship.
Going back to those desperate singles in Hong Kong, frantically
seeking someone often frightens people away. They assume something must be
wrong with you. I’m amused that I was ironically
at my most desirable when I wasn’t returning calls in a timely fashion due to
not listening to my voice mail. The assumption was that I was dating
excessively. As for the d*ck pics, the
only one I got was from Christian Singles member. Never dated him and did not
bother to reply either. This makes me wonder if a female who receives tons of
offensive photos is being too sexually needy in her profile.
If you’re on a dating site, people assume you want a
relationship that will include intimacy. Mentioning it in the profile is over
the top and attracts the hookup only type. If a person doesn’t want any type of
a close, physical relationship as an eventuality, then he or she shouldn’t be
on a dating site. There are other sites
for platonic relationships.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
What is Too Picky?
A fellow blogger chided me for encouraging women to decide what they wanted as opposed to grabbing anyone who asked them out or showed a mild interest in them. With that in mind, I wondered what was too picky?
* Dating out of your league. C’mon, you know who
you are. Why expect someone who is in an entirely different league to fall for
you. If it happens, it’s at best a short relationship. You could find yourself
doing outrageous things to engage his or her attention and still lose that
person.
*Going for that elusive date. A good friend complained
to me that her forty-year old, five foot daughter who lives in San Francisco will
only date men that are six feet or taller. The average height for a man is
under 5’10”. Her daughter doesn’t date much, despite being a blonde beauty.
*Rejecting someone due to hobbies. If a man is a
taxidermist, and you’re a card –carrying member of PETA that would make sense. I
spend most of my life on the laptop, writing, reading, blogging, etc. while my
sweetie entertains himself with his own hobbies. I really couldn’t expect to
meet another person who had the same hobbies. If I did, there could be
competitiveness.
*Disclaimer on the hobby issue for long-term relationships. I’m never a fan of people moving in after a couple of dates because they don’t know each other. If they did, they might find their romantic partner spends a great deal of time on their hobby. This is important to know for future relationships. Your date may fudge the details because of a negative reaction in a prior relationship.
*But before writing someone off who actually has a life, consider he or she put so much time in their pastime because of the absence of a significant other.
*Disclaimer on the hobby issue for long-term relationships. I’m never a fan of people moving in after a couple of dates because they don’t know each other. If they did, they might find their romantic partner spends a great deal of time on their hobby. This is important to know for future relationships. Your date may fudge the details because of a negative reaction in a prior relationship.
*But before writing someone off who actually has a life, consider he or she put so much time in their pastime because of the absence of a significant other.
*Don’t fall into the habit of stereotyping. Many women assume men will be more like sitcom characters than complex individuals. The same goes for men summing up women because of various iconic images. I had a hard time convincing my husband that I did like pizza and sports (at least horse racing, baseball and whenever the Colts played.)
*Distance is an issue. I realize dating sites have some column that you check if you’d move for the perfect someone. Wow, this sounds romantic. It isn’t. It means if a person would truly move for you that he or she has no job, friends, or social network. It’s not love; it’s desperation.
*Consider people in your own city. Right about the time, you’re saying there’s no one appropriate in the city; your possible match is saying the same thing close by.
*Forget about Mr. or Miss Moneybags. Ladies, when I saw all these billionaire books coming out I decided to do the research. Your average single billionaire is 63. There are an estimated 946 billionaires in the world and most are married.
*Apparently, being arm candy is not enough, to attract the attention of a wealthy power broker. Billionaires are looking for mates with a prestigious pedigree. (Read money and connections.) The potential mate needs a high-level position such as a CEO of Fortune 500 business, an A-list movie star, supermodel, or world-renowned doctor.
*Money doesn’t buy happiness either. A current survey on happiness demonstrated most people would reach their peak happiness with a couple thousand more a year. Lottery winners are besieged by scam artists and relatives emerging from the woodwork and often admit to being happier before winning. Think twice before overlooking an average Joe or Jane.
*Romcom Stars or someone who acts like they are. Seriously. It is fiction. A person who expects to find a man like this may eventually find an actor. Remember, they have to be paid to play a part.
*Someone who will make all your dreams come true. No one is responsible for making your dreams come true, but you. This is a ridiculous burden to put on another person.
* Arm candy/beef cake person’s only attribute is to make your ex jealous. It might make for some good photo opportunities on social media. Don’t waste your time holding out for these people because they have a long line of equally deluded people to work their way through.
Who can you date without settling or being too picky?
Thousands of people who are a great deal
like you are looking for dates. In the fact, they have ordinary jobs, live in
similar neighborhoods, may or may not be the same religion, race, or have the
same hobbies. The entire idea of dating is to find out who you can live with
and who you can’t live without. It’s
hard to do this if you’re not dating.
If you have the misconception someone will
lift you out of your current circumstances, make an effort to change your life
on your own. Whatever it takes, from working overtime, education or job
training, even moving. You’ll find once you work toward your goals that you’ll
attract similarly minded people.
I met my own sweetie almost six years ago. I
didn’t know a great deal about him except he had a nice smile and was good to
his kids. We had to go out for us to
discover how perfect we were for one another. I couldn’t have picked a sweeter,
more considerate or romantic man, but if I had insisted on only going out with
6’ men, I would never have met him. Something to consider. After all this time, he still treats me like a
queen.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Catfishing & Non-assertive Women
I felt I had to share
one blog I read recently. Make that two blogs. We all know what Catfishing is.
It’s when someone pretends to be someone else via social media. He or she could
use different photos claim a different occupation, etc. The profile or the alleged person isn’t
anywhere close to who you think they are.
One in ten dating profiles is bogus. Nothing is real about
it. With that in mind, the too good to
be true diamond buyer with multiple houses who’s contacted you doesn’t exist.
If he did exist, he wouldn’t be on Match, OkCupid, or Tinder. Most ordinary
people post a younger, thinner photo or list an exciting hobby that they might like
to try.
The blog
I read detailed how the man started reading a blog written by a woman who wrote
about cheating on her husband and divorcing him. In truth, she was married and
the blog may have been a form of acting out a possibility or speculative
fiction. The author thought the red flag was that the woman would write about
cheating on her husband. He left comments in the comment section and the woman
contacted him thus started the catfish relationship.
This wasn’t the real red flag. The real red flag is that the
woman contacted him. Despite women being all they can be in the workforce, this
doesn’t extend to the world of dating. OkCupid did a research
study on their female clients and found women seldom contacted the men
waiting for the initial male contact. Been there, done that. This is a shame
because when women contact men it’s flattering. Unless, they’re asking for
large sums of money and even then some men still think it’s flattering.
It’s no wonder that the man from the catfish blog responded
to the woman’s initial contact via the blog comments. She searched for his blog
and began leaving cutesy comments on it. As a writer, and sometimes blogger,
this has never ever happened to me. No. Nada. None. If people do leave cute
comments, it is because it is someone I already know. If someone else did, I would
not start emailing that person.
First, it’s weird. Second, I happen to know who’s on the
other side of that email. My former students from a lockdown facility created
several profiles using photos of beautiful women. They amused themselves by
writing to these men. They usually made the bombshell beauty profiles into
either a recent immigrant or someone still in Mother Russia, Ukraine, etc. Even
though, I warned the staff the boys were too busy on the Internet. They didn’t
end their time online because it kept them out of trouble. I wonder if any of
the lovelorn men who were writing Natasha would say the same.
Are you being catfished? It depends on your definition of
catfish. Studies suggest at any one time at least 25% of dating profiles feature
people currently in relationships. They may be checking the waters or searching
for something missing in their marriage. I‘ve been catfished more than once.
One man, he may have been a woman, or a group of middle
school students, went by the name of Forever Sunsets. He wrote cheery, caring
emails. He didn’t even a photo on his profile. His explanation for this is he
wanted to get to know a person before sharing his photo.
Every single day, I received a letter for a year. He gave me
information about himself, including he was an accountant. When I pressed to
meet, he agreed, but never showed. A few months later, he popped back up,
apologizing for the no show. By this time, I’d written him off. My take on
this, or better yet, my friend’s take was that he was married, but enjoyed an
illicit thrill in our correspondence.
Social media is notorious for people bragging and making up
things that never happened. It’s a fantasyland. Most dating sites emphasize to
meet early as opposed to corresponding for weeks. When you meet, you discover immediately,
you don’t suit and are free to search for someone more appropriate.
This brings me back to the hesitant female. A woman will
usually allow the contact to continue without pushing for a personal meeting.
Often, it seems easier than meeting in person and being rejected. It isn’t
easier. It’s more of a long goodbye. Time wasted when you could have been with someone
who counted.
Women feel free to take the initiative. I winked at my
sweetie on eHarmony and left it at that. He wasn’t a current member and I didn’t
know that. About a month later, he contacted me. The rest is happy history. I
did ask if he would have contacted me if I hadn’t winked at him. He wasn’t sure
if he would have because he felt that the town I listed was too far away. Ironically,
it wasn’t even my town. I used it for safety reasons.
The lesson of the two blogs is this: be assertive if you’re
a woman involved in online dating. By this I mean, make the first move. If a
man doesn’t respond, don’t follow it up with a rant. Try not to take it
personally. He could be an inactive member. Keep in mind; social media allows
us to be ruder than we would in person.
If someone contacts you due to a blog, Facebook, Twitter,
etc. be suspicious. If you think someone is too good to be true, then he or
she isn’t real. People make up stuff all the time to sound interesting.
Sometimes, it is a mean-spirited game to see who will respond.
You have to decide what your warning flags are. Mine
included men I felt were out of my league. Go back to the jet setting diamond
buyer. I knew someone like that would not be seriously interested in me. Unfortunately,
when it comes to romance, logic often goes out the window.
Friday, February 12, 2016
Valentine's Day Blues
Valentine’s Day is not usually a happy holiday for most.
If you’re single, widowed, or even unhappy in your marriage or relationship,
you feel it more on this day than almost any other, possibly with the exception
of New Year’s Eve. The retail industry relentlessly bombards you with ads for
jewelry, flowers, and spa days before Christmas day is even over. The stores
aren’t much better putting out their V-day cards with funny and often mushy
contents, red stuffed animals that often dance and sing, and miniature heart
shaped boxes of cheap chocolates as they withdraw the Christmas items.
Why does February 14 matter so much? A child exchanging
valentines at the class party could measure his or her popularity or the lack
of it through how many valentines he or she received. That’s why the Charlie
Brown V-Day special with Charlie shaking his box in an effort to locate one
card is especially poignant. Teachers send home instructions that students must bring valentines for
everyone. That doesn’t mean everyone gets a valentine. Even if the mother
painstakingly addressed twenty-eight cards using the provided list, the child could
pull out one or two due to dislike. As a teacher, I’ve seen it happen more than
once and usually had extra valentines on hand for such occasions.
The media via advertising created the message that no valentine equals no love. This message is so prevalent in the
United States that I make sure to send my friends and family V-day cards. One
in five people surveyed complained of feeling lonely on Valentine’s Day. Those were the honest ones, there may have been more. Relationship issues cause 75% of suicides or
at least that’s the note theme.
Men often break up before the 14th because they’re
unsure how to treat the day. Many women expect expensive jewelry and a deeper
commitment it represents. A friend of mine confided that she went out on a
first date on Valentine’s Day. That must have been tough for the both of them
with the couples crowding every restaurant and date venue.
Not all of them are happy, stars in their eyes, couple,
either. Apparently, 64% of men do not
make advance plans. That means the super romantic date the woman expected may
end up at Steak and Shake. Not that it’s a bad place. They’re even offering
free milkshakes on the 14th. However, most men are aware whatever they do won’t
be right.
On a recent local radio show, the caller called about
Valentine’s Day. She commented her former boyfriend brought her roses, chocolates,
took her out to nice places and even opened the car door for her, but she still
dumped him. Men almost begrudgingly buy valentine gifts. No wonder they fall prey to last minute thinking and advertising.
Their rush into the drugstore on the way home is the equivalent of streaking
across the frozen tundra, unpleasant at best.
It isn’t surprising that forty percent of the population has
negative feelings about the day. If you’re alone on the day, and you will be at some time
in your life, then you could feel like a loser. Someone who has to hide out as if a
pariah. If your significant doesn’t pop for a desired item or an expensive
item, often couples break up. It’s amazing
what ridiculous item the diamond industry will promote each year. This year, it’s your initial picked out in
diamonds. People will buy them in
hordes.
Another survey asked women what they really wanted. None wanted
an initial necklace. Most wanted household chores done without begging. Others
wanted the significant other to plan a date. Not one wanted a red stuffed animal
that played music, rose-shaped bath soaps that gummed up the tub, or even
roses.
In the end, being extra nice one day isn’t as good as being
a decent human all year along. I suspect that is what most people want. As for my
sweetie and I, we stay in and enjoy a special dinner on V-day not wanting to
deal with the crowds and inflated prices. We do get each other a gift that
shows how well we know one another, nothing red or decorated with hearts.
Do you think there’s no one out there for you. My book, Dating after Forty-eight is .99 and
available on Nook,
Kindle,
Kobo,
iTunes,
and PDF on Smashwords.
It’s also available in paperback too.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
The Height Standard
When it comes to men, taller is usually preferred. Notice I
didn’t say better. In fact, in western society, it is almost unthinkable for
the woman to be taller or almost as tall as her partner. Even petite women
prefer a tall mate. Movie stars such as Tom Cruise, who barely tops 5’9”, look
taller because of camera angles. Remember the upside down kiss in the Spiderman movie. It was staged so it
wouldn’t be obvious the two leads were almost the same height.
Apparently, the cutoff for acceptable height is 5’10” for
men. Not too surprising since the average height for women is 5’5”, although
women are beginning to push that number upward. Most women want a man they can
wear their heels with. The ideal of being out in public with a shorter man is,
at best, awkward. This concept is woven into our current and past society.
Leaders are often picked on their size as opposed to their ability. It’s no
wonder the expression that a man stand head and shoulders above his competition
is a good one.
How prevalent is this idea? While we are moving into larger
size models in women’s wear, you never see any short models in men’s clothing.
In fact, they don’t even make clothes for shorter men. You have your big and
tall sizes, but no short and compact equivalent. Even when a man is short,
other people try to conspire to make him taller. People arranging blind dates
never mention a man’s height, unless he’s tall. Shoe manufacturers sell heeled
boots and lifts. At a photography studio, I even witnessed the photographer having
a height-challenged man stand on wooden block to appear taller than his wife.
How does this translate to dating? Not very well for the
male candidate under 5’10”. According to a Duke
University Study, men 5’9” had to make over 40,000 to make up for the
single inch, which would mean a 5’5” man would have to make 200,000, which is a
major jump. This could explain why you see wealthy short men with model-worthy
wives.
The same study went on to point out American men preferred
their dates to be slightly underweight. This isn’t too surprising since we have
endless Photo Shopped images, where even the models that posed for the ads weren’t
even that thin.
The article went on to say hot people only want to date hot
people, not exactly a news flash. Not so attractive people end up dating people
of equal unattractiveness. What they do is prioritize what is important to them
and it isn’t a six-pack abs or a twenty-inch waist.
This is a bit depressing if you’re in the dating market. It’s
best to go back to the traditional measures of a good mate, which is actions.
While dating, a man or woman is at their peak of courtship behavior, which means
it will probably get much worse. With that in mind, don’t bet on your 6’ date
to suddenly develop manners if you continue to date. Don’t even consider that
you can change another person into the mold of your preferred date. It’s not
happening.
A friend of mine whined horribly about how her current tall
boyfriend treats her like unpaid servant and ATM, which he does. Several people, including men, told her to
drop him. She didn’t because he is so tall and good-looking. If you insist on 6’
men, realize there are only 14% in the United States, and many of them are
married.
If you’re a man who needs an underweight woman, your best
bet will probably be the local high school or possibly an ultra-marathoners’
club. Still, I believe, if you’re a decent individual who refuses to categorize
the other gender, you should find someone to love, and better yet, someone to
love you.
Friday, October 23, 2015
The Flirting Theory
Does flirting get you better service, jobs, or even a better
cut of beef? This discussion came up recently at work. Most believed they
received benefits due to their flirting. It also comes down to what you define
as flirting. I was raised to be civil, helpful and pleasant. If someone asks
for the time or help in finding a particular item in the grocery, I would never
consider my assistance as flirting, although some people would.
Flirting can consist of making jokes, direct compliments,
teasing that prolongs a conversation beyond its natural limits. Most sales
people will flatter the customer pretending an interest they don’t feel. My sales training focused on how to friend
the person creating an affability to make a sale. The service person, server,
or car salesperson really isn’t
interested in you. Depending on their policy, they could get in trouble for not
smiling or wishing you a pleasant day.
Several co-workers insisted they received better service by
flirting. Most of the time they got the same service everyone else did. A
perusal of a magazine meant for restaurant owners and employees listed the
issues servers had with customers. Number one was flirting. Most of the time
the young server was creeped out by men or women old enough to be his or her
parents flirting them up. Especially icky was when customers leered, made
comments about the server’s appearance, or even mentioned
coming back again. It sounds a great deal like stalking.
Why do people bother to flirt, especially in the presence of
their spouse or significant other? First, they have a captive audience with
employees who can’t say anything negative at the risk of losing a sale or
possibly their job. The would-be Lotharios set out to prove to the
significant other that they are still hot. While the server ducks back into the
kitchen to get their order, the flirter might even go on about how intrigued
the waitress was. When in truth, she’s relating the hackneyed lines to the
amusement of her fellow workers.
Secondly, it is a no-risk situation. The flirter doesn’t
have to worry about rejection because, as the
buyer, he or she holds all the power. The intention was never to pick up
someone, but just to build up some self-esteem. Doing this in front of a significant
other guarantees the safety aspect. It also means that the person serving the
obnoxious flirter may have a few choice descriptions uttered only after the tip is rendered, and only to fellow servers.
Occasionally, there are people who deliberately flirt to
irritate their spouse, provoke jealously,
or even start an argument. It makes you wonder what benefits they hope to get.
As for the salesperson who is the victim of this unwanted
attention, it is a form of harassment. If a person were genuinely interested in
the employee, and the server felt likewise, then it would be an entirely
different story. The flirting would serve its natural purpose as opposed to
trying to cop a free appetizer.
Often, employees will play the flirting game. An example is
giving the offender free pie as if it were a special gift between the two of
them even though the restaurant had a free pie policy. This results in the flirter tipping more in the belief he received
something special.
Back in the day, when I was waitress,
a single, older man was usually a guarantee of a
big tip if played appropriately.
It kind of makes you wonder who is
playing whom?
Friday, October 16, 2015
Has Romance Died Due to Technology?
BBC historian Lucy Worsley recently rocked
boats when she declared romance was dead thanks to dating apps. More and more
people are using smart phones to hook up.
A possible swipe to the right depends on superficial looks and a clever tagline. Actually,
neither have to be authentic to get a first date. No worries about the
second date because that isn’t happening. Most likely
bored singles are looking for diversion in their busy lives, not relationships,
and definitely not romance.
Romance is complex and often
takes time. An initial interested glance
encountered at the coffee shop or at work
results in follow-up events. These incidents can be as simple as a hello or a
smile. Eventually, an invitation is offered after weighing the pro and cons of
doing so. If the date goes well, there is a second one, and the gradual road to getting to know one another. A few of
us are old enough to remember the excitement of a growing flirtation, the
specialness of a date request, even the importance of the first kiss.
With applications such as
Tinder, people are little more than interchangeable units. There is no
specialness when there seems to be an unending supply of people to pick from. In the end, some people showcase
better than others, which only proves they’ve mastered smoke and mirror
manipulation. It doesn’t really matter if
the person isn’t single, a jet pilot, or former Olympian since he or she has no
plans to stay around long enough for it to matter.
This type of throwaway
dating is destined to cause bitterness. It is no wonder that other apps have
shown up to allow people to rate their dates. The forthcoming Peeple app allows people to report on dates,
sexual performance, bosses, and restaurant servers. Someone in a funk could
lambast an ex, his or her boss, and the barista at the local coffee shop. While
it is supposed to improve service in the service area, it will eventually bully
or humiliate people.
So why is romance dying a
swift death? It could be that people always assume what is new is better. Fast
food wowed people with convenience but
worsened the health of the consumers. Smart
phones are not only contributing to the lack of memory skills but are taking people out of the moment.
A recent photo at a popular
movie premiere illustrated that fact with everyone
either staring at their phones or attempting to take pictures for future
viewing. Only one lone woman seemed content to be in the now.
Is romance dead? Sadly, it
may be for twenty-something adults who had cell phones before they could even
drive. Dating is about getting to know someone.
You date until you realize you wouldn’t work as a couple. Most people can do
this by crawling through each other’s social
media.
Traditionalists will still
meet for drinks, make plans for dates, and answer the phone when called. Others
will only read tweets replying when they feel like it. For some people, romance
didn’t die because it never even existed.
Want a copy of the first Dating After Forty-Eight book for .99 or win $40 Amazon GC? Click here to find out more
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