Reflection 2020

Ever watch a true-life movie an at the end they have little snippets about what happened to the people in the movie? This got me thinking about my blog I started about dating ten years ago.

It was a bold move to write about my dating adventures as a scientific endeavor. Before that I just went out with who asked me. Never mind if they were a good fit or not. They usually weren’t. Here is what I learned about the nature of relationships or more importantly the nature of a good relationship.

1.    Love yourself first. If you don’t treat yourself well, you’ll end up attracting people who do not value you. Start a relationship with yourself. Define your good points. Say affirmations. Do whatever it takes to feel good about you. It can be setting a small goal and reaching it. Maybe it could be pursuing a hobby or traveling. Whatever it is, go for it, because you’ve waited long enough to get to know who you really are.
2. You don’t have to put up with being treated bad. Seriously, you don’t. The first time I told a man I did not like being spoken to in a disrespectful manner, my knees were shaking. The man acted taken back, but he never spoke to me in such a way, again. You certainly don’t have to date people who don’t treat you well. There are plenty of people who will treat you well.
3. We all make mistakes. Accept it. Fix it. Move on. Almost everyone has had a bad date or a bad relationship. It happens. What I never want to be is a person who either moans about the perfect guy who got away or complains about a terrible ex. It happened, learn from it, and move on. Social media can be the perfect platform to obsess about a failed relationship.  Don’t make the mistake of cyber stalking.
4. Dating is not a competitive sport. Going on a bunch of dates and bragging about it on social media doesn’t make you a winner. In fact, this behavior will backfire especially when you find that certain person you want to spend more time with. Many people will jump into a rebound relationship to prove to their ex that they are desirable. These relationships are based on insecurity and neediness, which aren’t the basis of a stable relationship.
5. Decide what you need in a partner. Be honest. Make a list. Be realistic. (You won’t believe how many men put former playmate or supermodel on their list.) Decide what is a deal breaker. If you love dogs and can’t imagine life without out, then dog lover is a must.
6.  Appearance isn’t as important as it was when you were sixteen. Trying to define what a significant other looks like limits your possibilities of meeting someone you really click with. I can honestly say I went out with some gorgeous guys with zero personality. They didn’t have to work on developing one because people judged them by their outward attractiveness.
7. Never give up your interests or your ‘me’ time. When I was younger, a friend would vanish while she was dating someone. She’d show up again after they split. This was common behavior, but not healthy. Too often, we expect a significant other to provide for all our intellectual, emotional, and physical needs. This type of expectation dooms a relationship. It works both ways, too. While you need ‘me' or friend time, your partner does, too.
8. Be grateful. In a consumer-driven society, often we are focused on what we don’t have. Be thankful for what you do have. You have more than you think. Write it down. Keep adding to the list when you remember something good. Even bad situations can teach you something to avoid in the future. Feet issues kept me fairly immobile for about a year. Each step now is a moment of thanksgiving.
9. Grow. Don’t be afraid to change. Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. This applies to dating and relationships, too. If things haven’t worked out well, start by changing one thing.
10. Don’t start the scrapbook on date one. Most women tend to get emotionally invested fast. A date goes well and she’s already considering if her parents or friends will like him. This type of behavior often jeopardizes a budding relationship. It can also convince a person to stay in a mediocre relationship because of a time or emotional investment. Been there, done that. One way to avoid this is not to date exclusively until you’re sure.
11. Be able to let go when a relationship isn’t working. It might mean you’ll be alone, but that is hundred percent better than being in an abusive relationship. There are different kinds of abuse besides physical. There’s emotional, financial, and sexual.
12. Always be yourself. I should have led with this one. So many folks complain that their spouse changed once they married. What happened is they dropped their dating behavior and became who they really were.  If you aren’t who you are, quirks and all, how can anyone truly know and love you?
13. Don’t make the grand gesture early on. An average guy decided to pull out all the stops on the first date. He picked up his date in a limo, took her to an exclusive restaurant and wowed her. Sounds like a movie, right. He blew his budget on the first date. When he attempted to take her to lesser places, she was upset and felt cheated. Too often, we do too much, too early and set a precedent we can’t keep on meeting without a struggle and a boatload of resentment.
14. Be bold. One reluctant dater was told to make twenty-one dates in twenty-one days. At first, it was pure agony for the shy man. By date six, he was finding his rhythm.
15. Because our world is an uncertain place. Tell at least one person where you are going. Meet your date as opposed to being picked up. Choose a public venue for first dates. Always have your cell charged up. I only had one scary date and I was glad I drove.
16. Don’t expect perfection. Dating can be anxiety provoking for your date, too. People sometimes do goofy things. If the person doesn’t come across as a total jerk, give them some slack. Meeting someone you click with is fairly rare, so don’t throw away someone because he hasn’t read your favorite book or listens to your type of music.
17. Dating can be work. No seriously. People never say that. Instead, of binge watching a series with your dog and enjoying a glass of wine, you have to get ready for the test. Often, dates have a list of questions the police would do well to adopt for interrogations.
18. If possible, make the date a pleasant experience by doing something together such as creating a craft, enjoying a street fair, or going to Comicon.  Something that is interactive such as an escape room is good, too. It makes it less like an interview.
19. Always remember you matter. You don’t have to be in a relationship. This is about enriching your life. Maybe you are fine with how your life is currently. Does your significant other bring out your better qualities? If you don’t like who you are with this person, then leave, and be clear about it, too. Some folks are hanging out just waiting for their old flame to return because they were given the soft goodbye.
20. Remember, it's your life and you are in charge of it.

This is most of what I have learned from my year of scientific dating. When you find the right one, cherish him or her. I count myself lucky to have found someone I clicked with and loved me at my most authentic. Ironically, early on, he discovered my blog and had a better clue of who I was. We’ve been together nine years and will be celebrating eight years married. Each year is actually better than the last. It would have been so easy for me to miss out on this wonderful man. He was nervous in the beginning. Can’t remember what we said, but I do remember him checking his phone for the time. I thought he was anxious to get away, but he was more worried about blowing the date and wanted to end on a good note. It’s all about perception. Obviously, we got past our various perceptions and got to know one another.

In being true to ourselves, as opposed to others’ expectations, we were married in Vegas at the Graceland Wedding Chapel with an Elvis impersonator walking me down the aisle. I cherish the memories because together, we chose to do exactly what we wanted. 

Decide what you want in life. It’s never too late to get it.

Valentine's Day Blues

Valentine’s Day is not usually a happy holiday for most. If you’re single, widowed, or even unhappy in your marriage or relationship, you feel it more on this day than almost any other, possibly with the exception of New Year’s Eve. The retail industry relentlessly bombards you with ads for jewelry, flowers, and spa days before Christmas day is even over. The stores aren’t much better putting out their V-day cards with funny and often mushy contents, red stuffed animals that often dance and sing, and miniature heart shaped boxes of cheap chocolates as they withdraw the Christmas items. 

Why does February 14 matter so much? A child exchanging valentines at the class party could measure his or her popularity or the lack of it through how many valentines he or she received. That’s why the Charlie Brown V-Day special with Charlie shaking his box in an effort to locate one card is especially poignant. Teachers send home instructions that students must bring valentines for everyone. That doesn’t mean everyone gets a valentine. Even if the mother painstakingly addressed twenty-eight cards using the provided list, the child could pull out one or two due to dislike. As a teacher, I’ve seen it happen more than once and usually had extra valentines on hand for such occasions. 

The media via advertising created the message  that no valentine equals no love. This message is so prevalent in the United States that I make sure to send my friends and family V-day cards. One in five people surveyed complained of feeling lonely on Valentine’s Day. Those were the honest ones, there may have been more.  Relationship issues cause 75% of suicides or at least that’s the note theme.

Men often break up before the 14^th because they’re unsure how to treat the day. Many women expect expensive jewelry and a deeper commitment it represents. A friend of mine confided that she went out on a first date on Valentine’s Day. That must have been tough for the both of them with the couples crowding every restaurant and date venue.

Not all of them are happy, stars in their eyes, couple, either.  Apparently, 64% of men do not make advance plans. That means the super romantic date the woman expected may end up at Steak and Shake. Not that it’s a bad place. They’re even offering free milkshakes on the 14^th. However, most men are aware whatever they do won’t be right.

On a recent local radio show, the caller called about Valentine’s Day. She commented her former boyfriend brought her roses, chocolates, took her out to nice places and even opened the car door for her, but she still dumped him. Men almost begrudgingly buy valentine gifts. No wonder they fall prey to last minute thinking and advertising. Their rush into the drugstore on the way home is the equivalent of streaking across the frozen tundra, unpleasant at best.

It isn’t surprising that forty percent of the population has negative feelings about the day. If you’re alone on the day, and you will be at some time in your life, then you could  feel like a loser. Someone who has to hide out as if a pariah. If your significant doesn’t pop for a desired item or an expensive item, often couples break up.  It’s amazing what ridiculous item the diamond industry will promote each year.  This year, it’s your initial picked out in diamonds.  People will buy them in hordes.

Another survey asked women what they really wanted. None wanted an initial necklace. Most wanted household chores done without begging. Others wanted the significant other to plan a date. Not one wanted a red stuffed animal that played music, rose-shaped bath soaps that gummed up the tub, or even roses.

In the end, being extra nice one day isn’t as good as being a decent human all year along. I suspect that is what most people want. As for my sweetie and I, we stay in and enjoy a special dinner on V-day not wanting to deal with the crowds and inflated prices. We do get each other a gift that shows how well we know one another, nothing red or decorated with hearts.

Do you think there’s no one out there for you. My book, Dating after Forty-eight is .99 and available on Nook, Kindle, Kobo, iTunes, and PDF on Smashwords. It’s also available in paperback too.

Looking for the Mythical Better Catch

I'm back. I took a break to put together my first Dating After Forty-eight book. It's available on Kindle for .99 right now. The price will go up in October.

There’s always someone better right around the corner. Right? Online dating companies would love us to think so. Remember their business is not to help you find that long-term relationship, but to keep you dating. A person who lays down hundreds, even thousands of dollars, is a much better deal than a person who joins briefly and settles down with one of his dates. There’s a lot going on to make us dissatisfied with whomever we are with. A commercial culture continually pushes us to want more. Consider if you decided, where you lived was good enough. You were content with your car. The clothes would last until they fell apart. Realtors, car lots, and several stores would go out of business if everyone shared the same mindset. Instead, we balance ourselves on the delicate edge of not wanting what we have because it might not be enough or the right stuff.

The Tinder culture assures us that dating one person is the loser way. There’s always someone hotter out there. All you have to do is look.  Is that someone hotter the right person for you? Does the mythical better person want to go out with you?  Are you going to dump someone you enjoy being with for intangible what ifs?

Ask yourself these questions about whomever you’re currently dating.

Does he or she make you happy?

Can you be yourself with him or her?

Are you your best self when with your current flame?

Is he or she supportive of your dreams? Better yet, have you shared your goals?

Have you introduced this person to your friends or co-workers? (This is a sign of pride and that you don’t want to hide your relationship.)

Can you see this person in your future?

Do you have shared interests?

 Do you have similar goals for the future?

Is he or she easy to be around?

If you answered yes to five or more than, you have most positives than most people in relationships. You’re willing to give that up for someone who probably doesn’t exist.

Think again before you abandon a cool fellow. A recent book, Date-onomics by Jon Birger, details how professional women are easily outstripping their male counterparts. Most people want to date someone in their economic and educational background, but fewer men are graduating from college. Although, on the other hand, if you can see yourself dating a non-college educated guy they’re out there too. Would they be okay dating a woman with more education and possible earning ability?

There are areas where professional women are much more common than men, such as New York City. Author Jon Birger points out when the demand outstrips the supply, men can be very selective. This results in more friends with benefits situation with the men demonstrating little desire to settle down. Why should they when they have endless opportunities to date? Because the well-groomed, articulate male is at a premium, especially in some locales, he insists on the best. You may think you’re the best because that’s what your previous guy told you so. It doesn’t mean other men will share the same opinion.

Considering all this, should you give up on your current relationship? Well, here are some other questions to ask yourself.

Are you forced to act a certain way when around this person? (In other words, you can’t be yourself.)

Do you experience ridicule or harassment in the relationship?

Does your partner cheat on you?

Does being with this person stress you out?

Do you continually give 120%, while your partner occasionally contributes 10%?

Do you hide your relationship from others?

Is this relationship financially draining you?

Are you deeply unhappy with this person?

Do you have nothing in common?

If you answered yes to two or more questions, then you might re-evaluate your situation. Perhaps you could discuss some matters. Remember it is often better to be alone than be with someone who destroys your self-worth.