Your Past Can Destroy Your Future
Have you had some bad dates, failed
relationships, and even disappointing marriages? Then you have a past and it
may be hurting your future prospects. It isn’t entirely like my mother’s chant
about being a three-time loser because you failed before, but it does have a
lot to do with the fact you failed. We take our histories of abusive spouses,
conniving boyfriends and stalker-ish acquaintances with us on every date.
That’s right. We carry the baggage in and here are the results:
“All women use men,” states my date.
He lists in detail about how women have used him. I know I’m not a user, but I
can tell by his bitter attitude he already believes I am. I will only
disappoint him somehow so it isn’t even worth trying to convince him otherwise.
Women do this too and wonder why there is no second date.
The history buff—this date somehow
relates everything he’s done in his adult life back to a woman he dated or was
in a relationship with. Simple questions about concerts he’s been to or music
he likes involves recitation of concerts he’s been to with other women in the
exact same place you are sitting at the time. This pushes the ick factor to the
nth degree. If a woman did this, we would probably say she was insecure trying
to show her date she was loved before. When a guy does this, several times, it
is thoughtless and you do wonder what point he is trying to make. Hey, I dated
people, but somehow I manage not to bring them into every conversation.
Your past can get in the way of your
future if you let it and plenty of people let it. Think of your worst fears.
For some women it is the fear of a man leaving them because it has happened
before. This fear is placed before the potential boyfriend like a golden
fleece. If he fails to answer the leading questions appropriately then he fails
to earn the next date. Too bad he didn’t get a study guide.
Many times when we leave a bad
relationship, we tend to think everything about the previous man was flawed,
which isn’t true. I refused to date men I thought looked like my ex-husband,
and it even extended to his hobbies. Since he was an avid marathoner and
bicyclist, just the mention of running had me jogging the opposite way. This
sudden aversion to all things that had gone on before did not serve me well. I
am an active person and I was passing on active men, too afraid they would be
like my ex-husband.
Sometimes instead of the bad
boyfriend syndrome, you may be packing around the old flame memory. Your first
or first serious boyfriend, the great one that got away, tends to hang in the
back of your mind. He is more special because he was your first; from slow
dance to kiss to so many other things. Your memories may not be entirely
accurate. Time tends to let us don the rose-colored glasses. At the age of
forty, more women are searching for old classmates in hopes of finding their
long lost love. Hearts are warmed by tales of young lovers separated and
reunited again years later, but that isn’t the usual tale. Women anxious to
meet up with their high school sweetheart are often shocked when he’s bald,
overweight and not exactly charming. What happened to that wonderful man in
their minds?
He was in their minds. All those
wonderful qualities he was endowed with…he may not have ever had. This was
brought home to me about my high school sweetheart that I thought was a
wonderful guy. We dated off and on for seven years. Everyone thought we’d
eventually marry. I urged him to move to another state to take advantage of
graphic art opportunities…and then I never heard from him again, not even a
letter, despite the fact I wrote. It made me rethink that the guy I’d been
using to measure other guys against didn’t really exist.
Often we can joke about being
attracted to the wrong kind of men, but if we can’t figure out why we cozy up
to mama’s boys or tolerate a man who is a workaholic then we are doomed to
repeat our mistakes. There is nothing sadder than seeing a friend engaged in
yet another abusive relationship. We have to do the work to get out of the
cycle. Sometimes the work can be done on your own with a couple of blunt
friends and a journal, but other times a therapist is needed. Beware jumping
into dating before you understand why you do what you do.
Then there is the self-fulfilling
prophecy. If I don’t say it, even think it, my mother will remind me of all the
previous bad relationships I’ve endured. Her unsubtle message is you’ve screwed
up before so why even bother. Unfortunately, many women enter relationships
with this type of pronouncement hanging over their heads. They figure sometime
somehow they will mess up the relationship. The tension is palatable. Often
they will sabotage the budding relationship just to get it over with before it
hurts too much.
What you can do is start fresh.
Don’t compare your date to anyone in your past. Let him be himself. Do enjoy
YOUR time together. Do not waste precious time by inserting talk about past
relationships. Those relationships are over. If they were so good, you’d still
be in them. Why allow them to screw up an opportunity at future happiness.
I guess it all comes down to
checking your luggage at the door. Really, leave it there. Don’t go back for
it. You don’t need it to go forward in love. In fact, it may keep you from
getting through the door in the first place.
Update: I will admit I’ve caught
myself more than once picking up old baggage. Often checking your baggage is an
everyday thing
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