Confessions: Teddybear Tells All

Okay ladies, I know way more than I should about online dating from a guy’s point of view. Maybe I should say from what guys see.  I didn’t just get it from asking dates because they will only tell me so much. You know--only the stuff that won’t completely honk me off, especially if I were on a date with the guy when I asked. Here’s the deal: I was Teddybear36.

 

A couple of years ago, I got mad at an ex-boyfriend. In my opinion, he was the template for everything bad in a man. I didn’t understand how such a fraud could meet women online. To test a hypothesis, I made up a profile for him as if I were he. Ladies, it was classic male chauvinist pig all the way. Teddybear36 liked to watch television, eat, smoke and drink. He was looking for a young, leggy blonde to cater to him. If that wasn’t bad enough, I made him retired, no hobbies, and no desire to go anywhere. Twisting the knife a little more, I mentioned that women were on this earth to look after men. The last sentence in the profile contained the fact that he owned a high-end car and was well off financially.

 

I even used a photo from the Internet and it was not flattering at all. It was a picture of an overweight, unkempt man with his hair going gray and his jowls hanging down. Some of you may be wondering if I got any hits. Were there any women out there looking for a man who hates women, but would like to be serviced by one? Actually I got about forty-two replies.

 

First, I weeded out the fake profiles, which included the beautiful, sweet things that lived far away. Eventually, they will ask for money so they can visit. When I worked in a locked down facility for young offenders, they used to make up these types of profiles all the time. They made sure the girls were always from a foreign country since their English was questionable. Then it was on to the real profiles or what I thought was real.

 

Some women sent pictures of themselves in cleavage baring tops or swimsuits. Many were leaning forward or the photo was shot at a downward angle to make the girls appear larger. As a woman, I was onto that trick. Women who send photos of the girls or their booty tragically think that is all they have to offer.

 

Studies involving online dating show women fudge most about their weight, shaving off about ten pounds for every ten years. By the time a woman reaches fifty, she has reverted to her high school weight. Women also send photos that aren’t recent. As a woman, I could recognize hairstyles that have been out of style for at least twenty years. Maybe a man might think something was wrong, but couldn’t put his finger on it.

 

Men are notorious for the look-see date. The guy agrees to meet you at Starbucks, but he never shows. Often, he may drive by slowly to see if there is a single female in the place. Not seeing anyone who looks like the photo from the profile he moves on, thinking the woman never showed. Old photos give mixed messages. We all know men do initially pick a woman on looks, but she doesn’t have to be a super model. Men would prefer to know what the woman really looks like before an actual date. If she doesn’t match up to her amazingly young photo, he feels betrayed. She’s a woman who can’t be trusted.

 

Not all my hopeful dates were young. Some were way out the ballpark as far as what I considered an appropriate age. They wrote to me about the disgustingly graphic things they would do to please me. Why the porn filter did not block that I don’t know. How it passed over the woman who painted herself as opposed to wearing a swimsuit--I am unsure about that too. Some of the replies I got were very skanky; I felt the need to disinfect my laptop. I had no doubt that these sexual offers were directly connected to Teddybear36 being financially well off. Others may have thought they could get a ring on his finger before feeding Teddybear36 some anti-freeze laced lime jello.

 

The one from a widow who said I reminded her of her husband broke my heart. He wasn’t the best man in the world, she wrote, but she loved him. All she wanted was to find someone else to look after since he was gone. My Teddybear36 guy would never contact her because she was too old--not leggy blonde material at all.

 

Then there was one completely normal person. She admitted she was new in town and didn’t think they would suit romantically, but could still hang out. Her profile listed a range of degrees and hobbies. Her photo was cute too, but still too old for finicky Teddybear36’s taste. I thought she sounded like a wonderful person. I was tempted to write her as myself, but how would I explain that I was a woman pretending to be a man out of spite? I did learn what the other women were putting out there. I am also happy to report most women were smart enough not to respond to Teddybear36.

 

One of the most glaring points of my whole experience was that my profile wasn’t checked by the agency. No one checked to see if I were married, a felon, retired, or even a guy. I learned some women would throw themselves at you if you have money. Online hopefuls should try to meet as soon as possible because guys can become creative on their profile too. Usually they add two to three inches to their height and subtract five years from their age. They also manage to find photos where their hair is still luxuriously thick. It is better to meet the real man as opposed to the fantasy one you’ll create in your head the longer you put off the actual meeting.

 

Strangely, after seeing what other women did on their profiles, didn’t cause me to change my profile. I figured half those women would not deliver on what they were promising, but hoped to get their foot in the door.

 

A word of caution to online daters: be suspicious of a man who writes like a woman. All sorts of people make profiles like felons, teenagers, even hurt women. eHarmony recently offered a verification service where they check the client out to see if he is using his real name, age, occupation, and marital status. This actually allows men to date up the dating ladder because more quality women will pick the site over others because they trust it. The man must opt for the verification process though. Makes you wonder when they don’t.

 

Malcolm, my trusted male friend, informed me that men don’t bother with the verification process since it is another expense on top of an already high monthly fee.