The Confidence Game

The first step to dating like a man is self confidence. Act like you are the most wonderful person in the room. Anyone should be glad to know you. If they aren’t anxious to meet you then that’s their loss. I know some of you are shaking your heads thinking that you could never pull this off. I did say ACT. That’s the secret fake it until you make. Why act self confident if you’re not feeling it?

Neediness is the opposite of confidence. It is number one on the list of things that drive men away. A woman lacking self confidence telegraphs desperation. She feels like she can never land a man so she dates anyone who asks her out. Then she usually sleeps with the guy on the first date since that is all she thinks she has to offer. She immediately begins to text, email and call. Maybe she buys him gifts and drops them off at work or home. No wonder the guy runs off screaming which confirms her belief that she has nothing to offer. A worse scenario is the guy hangs around and uses the woman. He keeps her in place by insulting her making her think she can’t do better.

Often when we see men swarming around a woman we make up stories why men are attracted to her without knowing the real reasons. First, is that she dresses like a slut. The second is she is a slut. That somehow eases our mind about her appeal. Some of you might think. I don’t know want to attract all the guys, just one special one. I’m with you on that, but that one special guy will still be attracted by the same thing every other red-blooded man is…and it’s not the fishnet stockings coupled with black leather mini-skirt. Sure, men look—we women look usually we say something like, “OMG, she goes out in public like that.” or “Wonder where I can get that skirt?”

To be a self confident woman, you have to embrace that you are enough right now. Too many women believe a man or a loss of another ten pounds will make them happy—not true. The decision to live in the moment makes the difference. Accept yourself where you’re at, pursue interests you’ve always wanted to, and believe in yourself. Face your fears head on.

My fear was that I would become a lonely, old woman with cats. First of all, I’m not a cat person. Second, I’m fairly involved so I don’t spend a great deal of time alone. Age is relative. I met men much younger than me who seemed much older than me. As for alone, I could be, there have definitely been times in my life when I’ve been alone. It was certainly better than being in bad relationship. Once you’ve accepted your fears they no longer rule you.

A confident, happy person is in the world. They are aware of their surroundings, their positive mood is contagious. Most of us have two types of friends. One type makes us feel happy and upbeat, we usually find ourselves laughing when we are around them. The other type can be fairly clingy and always wants to relate long winded stories starring them as the victim. The happy ones we long to see them when we’re apart. Now the second type you see coming and wonder how you can cut the conversation short. The big difference is the happy person focuses on the people around them while the victim friend is obsessed by her own issues. All people, men included, like people who are interested in them. Take the spotlight off yourself. Focus on others. See other people for who they are and not for what they can do for you.

You’re in the grocery store when a man comes striding down the aisle with a mini-cart (tell-tale sign of possible singlehood.) The man has his shoulders back, head up and is smiling. He scans the shelves and the people. Your eyes meet and you automatically smile you can’t help yourself. He may say something and you find yourself answering. The encounter may last mere seconds, but suddenly you feel different, happier. His upbeat mood spilled over onto you. He focused on you. Now do you see why self confidence is so attractive?

Today, practice smiling at people you’ll have no clue how many people’s days you brighten with just your smile. It is the first step in your self confidence journey. Often we pay attention to our outward appearance and not enough to our inner self. Surprisingly, I’ve had great encounters with mud on my jeans and a ball cap hiding my hair because I focused on the other person.

Believe in yourself right now. You are okay today. I always thought when I lost a few pounds I might be sexy, then, I started belly dancing. I discovered women larger than myself wowing the audience with their sexy mood and attitude. In performance we’re taught to own the room. We’re also taught to act like we’re IT. Surprisingly, our attitude is reflected back by the audience. Not surprisingly, if we put ourselves down we’ll find people who will treat us the same way. If we believe we are truly great people and well worth knowing them we’ll attract the same.

The first step to be irresistible is to believe it yourself. Right now, look in the mirror, and tell yourself you’re fine. I know it sounds silly, but we spend so much time doing negative talk—why not positive talk? When you act like you’re wonderful everything changes making you into a person people want to be around.

Sure, you’ll meet creeps, jerks, users, but as self confident women who know their worth you simply kick them to the curb and go on. Of course, they’re attracted to you who wouldn’t be? You, my friend, are meant for better men.

Go out today, live in the moment, be your personal best, smile---see if your day doesn’t change for the better. I would love to hear about your day and what believing in yourself as done for you? Confidence spills over on everything. My new surge of confidence allowed me to face down the office bully, not exactly what I was expecting, but a definite plus.

Dating Like A Man

In the beginning when I decided to date again, I got flak from my family. How many times did I want to marry? How many failed relationships did I want and why did I want to date men? My one sister even questioned if our father hadn’t spend enough time with me and that’s why I wanted male companionship.

My initial answer was that I was heterosexual that’s why I wanted to date men. But many heterosexual women don’t date. The most common comment I receive from women is they never dated after their divorce. Something went so terribly wrong that they did not want to suffer through that pain again. I agree on that point, but on the other hand am I depriving myself of a relationship(s) where things are good. The question is how to get here from there.

I needed help so instead of paying $90 an hour for a dating coach I simply read their books. I gathered the books: Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov, Date Like a Man by Myreah Moore, Make Every Man Want You by Marie Forleo. While all three books approached the dating topic differently, they still had common themes and often agreed with each other. The first thing you need is confidence.

As women we often are amazed that the short, chubby guy at a party will continue to hit on all the most beautiful women until he gets one who does pay attention to him. His behavior exemplifies confidence. He feels like he is a prize each woman would be lucky to get. If a woman rejects him that’s her loss he figures and moves on. He doesn’t spend two weeks talking out what’s wrong with him with his guy friends. Women tend to be more critical regarding their own appeal. We also invent whole laundry lists of why someone might not be interested in us based on OUR perception.

Most of our time is consumed with detailing what is wrong with ourselves instead of celebrating who we are right now. In belly dancing, the familiar axiom is to act like we know what we are doing even if we miss a step. People respond to our confidence, even if it isn’t real. Eventually we will be the fabulous dancer we pretend to be. In the meantime, just have fun. The same with dating, act like every man should be honored to know you. Amazingly, the men will come. Better yet, you’ll attract more of the type of men you want to attract.

Before when I talked to a man I’d spend a great deal of time apologizing or putting myself down. I ridiculed everything from my job to my past dating history because I didn’t see myself as a catch. I ended up with men who also put me down.:( If I don’t see myself as wonderful why should anyone else? A man I recently spoke with commented that I was an interesting person. I fought the urge to say how boring I really was. Instead, I agreed with him and he immediately straightened up and leaned forward displaying more interest. My confidence drew him in where my normal self depreciation would have pushed him away.

Find out what’s great about you. Ask your friends. Go out on a voyage of self discovery. Once you can name five things that make you unique and wonderful, you are on your way. Be the person you want to be and have the internal characteristics you want in a man. If you want a person who is honest, financially secure and confident be that person. Like tends to run to like. Opposites may initially attract, but they usually break up later. That brings me to a big difference between men and women dating: the mission statement.

The mission statement is usually placed on the wall somewhere in your business. It is the reason you do what you do or at least the initial reason. Most women date to find a husband while men date for fun. That’s why many women pursue dating with the same diligence they pursue Black Friday shopping. It isn’t about having fun it’s about landing the right guy. It is no wonder after bagging the wrong guy that a woman doesn’t want to go out in the field again.:) All that work for nothing. Men on the other hand just want to have fun. That shouldn’t surprise any of you. Sometimes we complain bitterly about a woman who might date several men at once because she’s acting like a man. Why not date for fun?

If you’re reading my blog then you’ve probably been in a relationship or marriage. You don’t need a husband instead you need a man to find you fascinating and longs to pamper you. Too often we approach every relationship as marriage as the end goal. By doing this, we chase away men that would be fun dates, even very nice short term relationships. Most of us have tried the other route before, like deer hunters we targeted our prospect lured him closer, before pulling the trigger. We find, often years later, that we didn’t get what we thought we wanted. Think of dating as a discovery time. Men do, that’s why they go out with several women trying to decide what they want or what works. Then there’s the fun factor.

The only way you are going to find someone you really like is by meeting lots of datable men. All those movies and books about bumping into that special someone when you first decide to date, well, they’re fiction. Sorry ladies, I wanted to believe in them too. It sure is a lot easier than all the angst you put into dating. Maybe you know someone who met a great guy right out of the gate. Great, I also know someone who did win the lottery, but it doesn’t mean it is going to happen to me.

Remember the short, chubby guy at the party? He had confidence. When he heard about the party he immediately thought about all the women who would be there—not that he didn’t have a date. Secondly, he worked the numbers game. He didn’t go to the corner to assume the fetal position when the first woman rebuffed him. Thirdly, he knew what he wanted and went after it. The question is do you know what you want? I’ll explore knowing what you want, working the numbers and getting confidence in the upcoming blogs.

My Dating Truths

The New Year is about resolutions. I think to decide what I want out of the next year relationship-wise it is best to examine what I have learned this year. This is what I have learned from dating so far.

•When I started dating one man, I became immediately attractive to other men.

•Men can be as nervous and clueless about dating as I am.

•Engineer types (i.e. nerds) need at least three date to prove themselves.

•I can be a femme fatale at 49. LOL

•Men worry about their weight, their hair, the skin elasticity—the same things that plague me.

•When men do bold things I admire them, but it doesn’t always equate into relationship material. A history teacher I met a few years ago on our first date offered to drive me to a home improvement store to pick up the blinds I ordered to prolong our date. Right in the middle of the oriental carpet section he swung me into a dance turn and dipped me back for passionate movie kiss. He got points for the wow factor, but never made it to the third date. He pretty much gave me everything he had on the first date.

•When men do weird things, I wonder until they give some long winded explanation. Then I smile and put it down as a guy thing.

•When men do clumsy things, I forgive them because I am a klutz. I almost feel an oneness with them.

•All the chivalric things a man can do including opening doors and pushing in chairs, I absolutely love.

•I am an absolute pushover for roses and chocolate.

•An out of the ordinary gift shows that the man thinks out of the box.

•A man with cats turns me off, but a man with a dog and a cat has possibilities.

•A man with a dog can be very sexy. (Okay, I’m a dog lover.)

•A man pushing a vacuum cleaner, especially, if it is mine is even sexier.

•Men can write wonderful emails and go silent on a date.

•Some men refuse to write emails, but can be a great on a date.

•Men who offer to help me with something that is perplexing me I appreciate! I realize some women hate this, but I have enough problems to solve on my own, a little help is very much appreciated.

•Men can be hot in any size or height. It is their attitude that matters. They must believe they are a prize. If they don’t believe it they can’t sell it.

•A man that can make me sigh is good, but a man who makes me laugh is better, but the one who can make me do both is priceless.

•You really can meet men at grocery store, library, post office, even school events if you’re open to it.

•I used to wonder about men asking me inane questions like what time it was when they were wearing a watch, but now that I’ve read enough books on dating I realize it is an attempt to strike up a conversation.LOL

•There are lots of datable professional men out there.

•Surprisingly, the men I meet want relationships as opposed to dating for fun.

•Many men are willing to attempt a long distance relationship. I’m not sure where they think it will go, but they do want to try.

•Younger men do ask me out even if I am not a member of the local cougar club. LOL

•Often there is nothing better than a hug to appreciate the subtle differences between male and female.

•I like the smell of Irish Spring soap on a man better than cologne.

•Getting ready for a date is a great deal of work, but the right guy makes it SO worthwhile.

•It’s working when we are both so lost in conversation that they close up the restaurant around us and we don’t notice.

•While I enjoy this time in my life of being somewhat irresistible I long for a relationship, but I am unwilling to settle.

•Trying to determine if a guy is relationship material takes time. Before I was only dating one guy so the assumption was the guy I was dating was relationship material even when he really wasn’t for me.

•Men will open the car door if you wait long enough.

•By preplanning what type of behavior I will not accept, surprisingly I’ve never received it. I’m unsure if I mentally telegraphed my list of no-no’s or am just dating a better type of man.

•Men don’t like whatever is easy. By being hard to reach since I don’t listen to my voice mail coupled with hard to date since my schedule is full, I’ve increased my irresistibility quota.

•Meeting a man somewhere makes for a much better date. There is never the misunderstanding that I am going to invite him in for sex. LOL

•Dating has taught me a lot about myself.


•It is okay if a man doesn’t have all the same interests as me. I seldom come across male writers who also teach and belly dance.

* Lastly, but probably most important, there are so many princes out there I am amazed I ever settled for a frog.

Tell me your dating truths. My next four blogs will delve into the aspect of dating like a man. I will also reveal if any of it actually worked for me.

The Appeal of the Bad Boys

Why do we Love them?

Did you know American women have a strong preference for bad boys over any other culture? Why is that? The hot-looking bad boy has been glorified in American culture via the media. Think of James Dean, Elvis, even 50 Cent. We, American women, want it all. We want the hot guy who makes our hearts flutter who will also stick around and be a great dad. Just like the newly divorced fifty year old guy wants a hot twenty-year old babe to have endless sex with and who waxes his car while he naps. The truth is neither fantasy has a chance of happening.

Americans love Disneyworld because we like to believe dreams really do come true. That brings me back to the bad boy. He is candy for the eye. He definitely has the look, the swagger, and the sexuality. He enters the room and it is as if women are hit with a testosterone driven wave. Their heads swivel, their smiles grow wider and inviting. Men feel it too, but their instincts respond to a threat by becoming huffy or dismissive to the bad boy. This always makes them look bad in front of the females. If they were more in touch with their primitive side, they’d immediately attack the guy and push him out the door.

Besides plain good looks, what does the bad boy have that the nice guy doesn’t? Attitude and plenty of it. He knows every woman in the room wants him. Talk about self confidence! He has elevated cockiness to an art form. He doesn’t need to be nice to women because they are responding to him on an instinctual level. Strong alpha male enters the room, pheromones go on red alert informing women that prime mating material is in the area. This is reinforced by years of watching on the big screen women fall at the feet of bad boys and reading endless romances where the alpha male sweeps the woman off her feet. The sad fact is no matter how much women talk about wanting a kind, thoughtful man they will respond to a dominant alpha male every time, even if it is for a short time. Women are traditionally programmed to follow a strong male lead.

Ironically, the bad boy doesn’t get the girl by telling her she’s beautiful. Instead he gives her left handed compliments like “you could be hot if you did something about your clothes.” The woman is drawn in and immediately wants to know what she should do about her clothes because she wants to be hot for this man. The bad boy may hit on the girlfriend because women usually travel in pairs. In that case, the woman wants what she sees slipping away from her and tries even harder to catch the bad boy’s eye. Do you know they even have classes for men on how to act like a bad boy?

The only problem is if you’re an average guy and you try to act like a bad boy you just come off sounding rude. The bad boy has charisma, humor and loads of sex appeal. His words may be saying your dress is hideous, but his eyes are promising to peel that dress off you. He also has pacing down to a science. He knows when to pull back to leave a woman intrigued. Always keep in mind, a bad boy is always a short term venture. He knows he’s not staying around. Too bad most women seem to ignore this point. Instead they believe if he meets the right woman, i.e. her, that it will happen.

Some women believe that they can change the bad boy into a devoted family man. Remember this, the only person you can change is you. Bad boy is what he is. You respond to his obvious charm. Maybe he’s even yours for the night, but not for long. It isn’t in his nature to be a one woman man. He’s gone before you ever really know anything about him. It is just as well his irresponsible bad boy ways would eventually grate on you.

In other cultures, women don’t want bad boys because they want someone who is responsible. The dependable good guy with a steady job appeals to them. They know he’ll be around to raise the children. Why are American women obsessed with bad boys? The fact that most American women are supporting themselves is one factor. They aren’t necessarily considering bad boy for the breadwinner role. Instead they see him as an avenue for the mythical screaming monkey sex they’ve heard so much about, but never experienced. A brush with a bad boy allows a woman to walk on the wild side if only for thirty minutes. Another is the belief is we can have it all.

Newsflash: you can’t have it all. Choices have to be made. Most women who rode the roller coaster of having a relationship with a bad boy welcome the stability that comes with a nice man. Others become addicts and chase after bad boys despite friends’ warnings. Now your nice man might occasionally enjoy playing the bad boy role, but he’ll still be around to take the kids to soccer practice. So if he wants to don a leather jacket, mirrored sunglasses, and straddle a Harley, make sure you jump on behind him. It could be a memorable ride. Maybe you can have it all.

Give me your report on the state of bad boys. Did you marry a bad boy? Fall for one? Would you fall for one? I did my time in a month-long bad-boy relationship. It was intense. I felt like I’d been flatten by semi when he left suddenly, then I realized I knew almost nothing about him and that’s the way he wanted it.

Are You A Good Girl?

Ask yourself when a date comes to your house, do you offer to get him something to drink, even offer him a snack? Maybe he’s so divine, that you want to show him what you think of him and you buy him a cute gift that reminded you of him. Worse yet you find yourself offering to do things for him from getting him an appointment at your exclusive hair salon or dropping him off at the car service center? If you do any of these things then you’re probably a good girl, especially if you only had ONE date.

Good girls believe they have to earn a man’s love by doing nice things for him. It isn’t surprising that they continue to do nice things for their man until the man takes off with a not so nice girl. What happened? I was good to him…and you were, that’s what did it.

I was watching the end of the show, Millionaire Matchmaker, when the matchmaker scolds the woman for cooking for the man on the first date. She reminds her client how you start a dating relationship is how you will carry it for the life of the relationship. If you start out by giving everything you have on the first date, what do you have to offer later? Anything less than everything will always seem small and petty to a man who got everything on the first date.

In Sherry Argov’s book, Why Men Love Bitches, she explains that a woman who gives very little in the early stages of the relationship will be greeted with a great deal of enthusiasm when she does little thoughtful gestures. Think about this—this is how we treat men. Whenever they make the smallest romantic gesture we react like they are king of the world.

Being the good girl is tiring too. I ended a relationship that was great for the man. He showed up at my house on weekends. I cooked dinner and did his laundry while he sat on my couch and watched television shows he liked. They were very boring shows I might add. Wonderful deal for him, but I felt I just adopted an overgrown kid. It was because I was a good girl and I was in the habit of waiting on him hand and foot. When I broke it off, he didn’t understand because everything was fine in his world. He liked the status quo, but I didn’t. I simply slipped into my role of nice girl when I was determined not to do it. What can I say I was raised in a traditional environment where the women stayed in the kitchen and cooked while the men watched sports. Sometimes I find myself doing things out of habit. Do men even want to be catered to?

Some of you are laughing because you think this is a no brainer, but allow me to offer you the evidence. Not everything we do for our guy is appreciated or wanted, but we define it as pampering. A friend of mine would make her husband a cheesecake from scratch every two weeks to pamper him. She made some great cheesecakes. She did this to indulge him, but after one especially trying week with work and the children she may have told him what he could do with his stupid cheesecake. It was then he revealed he never really like cheesecake he only said he liked it when they were dating so she would like him. All that work for nothing when she could have been doing something she wanted to do.

The nice girl runs around trying to make her man happy as opposed to making herself happy, which in the end makes her angry.. Here’s the deal, he doesn’t really appreciate it when you put on your NFL jersey and sit by him while he is watching the game because you’re doing it for him. Most of the time he doesn’t know you’re there and you resent him for this. Maybe you think he is ogling the cheerleaders and he is.:) A confident woman and goes out and does what she wants to do. There’s no reason to stay home and keep the chip bowl full. The man managed to survive before you showed up on the scene.

A woman who pursues her own interests instead of helping a man with his is more fun. Think about it, you go to your spin class, get in a little shopping, meet your girlfriends for lunch won’t this put you in a better mood than watching a game you couldn’t care less about in your good girl role? The happy woman comes home and sees her man and maybe thinks he looks cute in his rumpled jersey. The woman who fetched, carried and silently seethed for past three hours just wants to do something unpleasant to her guy with the empty chip bag. Let’s face it no one appreciates the good girl. She’s not getting any kudos from anyone. So why in the world do we do it?

My grandmother was an absolute traditionalist. She had to be because she was forced into an arranged marriage at the age of fourteen, which made her a poster child for the good girl. When her much older husband died, she swore never to marry again. Ironically, she met a shy bachelor at the great age of forty-eight. The big difference was she sat her earnest suitor down and explained that she would not wait on him hand and foot. She had interests that she intended to pursue. If he was still interested he needed to help out with the cleaning and the cooking. He was interested and agreeable. I never met a happier and more loving couple than my grandparents. I am very fortunate to see modeled what happens when a good girl goes rogue.

How about you, do you consider yourself a good girl, a bitch, a confident woman or combination of all three? Inquiring minds want to know…and so do I. Next week: Why Women Really Love Bad Boys

Pursuing Vs. Pursued

Who remembers Women’s Lib? I do. I may even have an ERA NOW button stored somewhere. Let’s face it. Women are not operating the same playing field as men, paycheck or otherwise. The big question: Is it okay to be the pursuer in the dating game? This is a tricky question and you have to define what pursuer means.

 

The fact that you made the decision to date means you are obviously going to put yourself out there to meet men. It’s one thing to introduce yourself at a party and even make a coffee date as opposed to constantly emailing, calling or texting a guy, especially when he doesn’t reciprocate. That not only looks needy, but it is also on the stalker-ish side.

 

You have friends that when they meet a guy will roll out the red carpet. On the premise, they’ve met Mr. Right, they make a five-course meal and serve it in a black lace teddy on their second date. While the man may enjoy the pampering, he’s gone within a month. What gives? Your friend wanted to show her potential man all she had to offer. It wasn’t that what she had to offer wasn’t good, it just came too fast. The man didn’t appreciate it because he didn’t work for it, anticipate it, or even have a chance to feel special. The lavish display gave the opposite message that this was something she did for almost every man who made it to date two.

 

We tend to respect what takes work and time. Children who spend their own allowance money on a toy will treat it better than a gift toy. They remember how much work went into it. Men are like this. I got this factoid from men! Sure, it is nice when a woman approaches them and makes the initial move, but a woman who constantly keeps making the moves leaves him with nothing else to do. When does the guy get to fulfill his traditional role as the pursuer?

 

Some shy guys need to be pursued or else they’ll never go out on a date. There is some truth to that. A woman who does ask the guy out should make sure that it's her last obvious pursuing move because the cards are definitely on the table. The flip side of this whole argument is the totally passive guy. You know the one. In his effort to please, it is always “whatever you want, dear.” Guys will sometimes complain that women don’t appreciate nice men anymore. It depends on what you define as nice. A wimpy man who allows a woman to make all the decisions gets old fast even for an opinionated person like me who likes to make decisions.

 

Men like what they don’t have or what they think they might not get. They also like to think of themselves as the pursuers…even if you’re allowing yourself to be pursued. There is nothing like a little doubt or insecurity to make a man pursue harder. I got a real life example in my own life due to the fact I don’t listen to voice mail. If I see someone has called me I’ll call him back, but often I don’t see that call. My family will keep calling until I do answer. A bad habit but I doubt I’ll break it though. About once a week to ten days, I listen to all my voicemails. That’s when I discovered one man had called me twice. I texted him with a general message and made no mention of his phone calls. His response was very enthusiastic.

 

He could have acted hurt or even refused to answer my text, but he didn’t. Instead, he put on his pursuer cap because I appeared elusive. If I mentioned my failure to listen to voicemail, I just sound irresponsible. Maybe he thinks I am so overwhelmed with men asking me out that I just managed to find time to answer his call. I was only able to text because I have such limited time.  :) Mentioning my state of constant absent-mindedness would probably not endear me. Why do we want to share our flaws on the first date?

 

If a guy is around for the fourth or fifth date, then he is willing to deal with your flaws because he has a few of his own. If you want to be pursued and you do, check your baggage at the door. Be mysterious, don’t tell everything. I used to think I had to detail all my failed relationships. Do you want to hear about all his failed relationships? Even if you think you do you’re only fooling yourself. No one wants that. If you insist on rehashing past loves it becomes a therapy session instead of a date. Is that what you want? Keep in mind, you want his attention on you, the pursued, not on the ones who got away.

 

Men like mysterious. I’ve heard it, even read it, but didn’t believe it. As a woman who talks way too much, I thought it was my goal to reveal every tidbit of my life. I had my doubts about my ex’s sexual orientation and a dislike for my ninth grade locker partner. This did not benefit me. It may have made some men run screaming into the night. It is rather freeing to realize every aspect of my life does not have to be on an examining table. There are things I don’t tell my family. Why would I want to tell a man I‘ve known at best a couple of hours? Mysterious can be good. If he doesn't know everything then there is a reason for him to pursue you to learn more. Keep in mind you never have to reveal all.

 

There is a common joke among women my mother’s age that they allowed a man to chase them until they caught him. They knew all along which man they had set their cap for. Their girlfriends knew too and probably the guy too. Still, on his part, there was a bit of insecurity that she could prefer another guy or lose interest so he needed to be clear where his interest laid. He did this by bringing small gifts and squiring his girl around. There’s a good chance he also warned off other guys by either looks or actual words. Almost reminds me of a nature show where the male animal puts on his mating display to attract a female and chases off the competition. Ever wonder if the female animals were talking among themselves pointing out which male they liked already, but allowed the male to feel like he was the pursuer

 

Update: I joked on a blog that I allowed my husband to catch me, while I had decided on him from the start. This amazed him because he believed he was pursuing me. He was to an extent. Rather like primitive men, he demonstrated why he was superior to other men as far as a mate.

 

Men Reveal Their Dating Issues

As I promised, here is the scoop from the male point of view on online dating and just plain dating. Since they were kind enough to talk to me and answer my questions I will not use their real names. The first topic is getting out there.

Ethan: People assume if you’re a guy, single and not a troll that you must be dating. I haven’t been. I will admit to withdrawing after my last relationship broke up. I didn’t know if I could justify dating again. I know it’s a pessimist outlook, but won’t it just happen again?

Johann: When a man decides to date after divorce, he’s very vulnerable. One woman has just told him that he has no worth to her. That can make the man over react in an attempt to keep any woman who might show him a little interest. He practically becomes a doormat for the woman. Eventually the woman loses interest in a man who offers no challenge. The man is back where he started from only a little more bruised and bloodied.

James: The biggest problem is meeting women. I want to meet women around my age, professional, and attractive. I’m not sure how to meet these women. I’ve taken night classes, gone to church, even joined single groups without much success. I even bought books that advise you to ask women random questions at the grocery or the dry cleaners. So far, it hasn’t work for me. Usually I get a strange look when I try to make conversation, then the woman sprints for the check out.

Mark: I’ve tried online dating several times, several different sites. There are a lot of issues there with women not really wanting to date, but to email endlessly. Then there are the women who post photos that are 20 years old. The woman you asked out is not the woman you get. Makes me wonder what other things they lied about on their profile.

Eric: I’ve been off and on dating websites for a while. Truthfully, I find few women that even tempt me to write. Some people might call me picky, but why start something that you know isn’t going to work out.

Lane: Most of the women I emailed online, never responded, not even an email saying they weren’t interested. I’m not an ogre. I’ve heard that there are more men online than there are women.

James: Sometimes I just don’t think I have the energy to go through with it all again. I get caught up in how much work I put in past relationships just to have the woman walk out on me.

Mark: I wonder sometimes on my way to a date if it isn’t too late to turn around and go home. It would be a lot less stressful to watch television, but then I remember my life plan is not to spend the rest of my life alone.

Johann: Women also play games. Some women are in relationships, but they get online to check out if they can do better. I know men do it too, but when you’ve been caught in one of these games, it makes you bitter.

Zac: Women have all the cards. I see a woman I like. I have to talk to her, get her number, and call her up for a date. At any of these stages, I can be shot down. We could actually date a couple of times, then she makes up some trumped up excuse about needing space. The truth would serve me better. I need to know. How can I stop doing the wrong things if I don’t know what they are?

James: Women get mad when they are stereotyped, but they do it all the time. They might say only thing men want is to get laid. I want someone I can talk to about my day. When the time is right, I wouldn’t mind getting laid either.

Mark: I have to believe that older people successfully date. Older could mean anyone over thirty.:) If I didn’t believe that then I would be hopelessly depressed. Why bother dating?

James: Men have insecurities. Before going out on a date I often play with my hair trying to get my receding hairline to look less receding.

Zac: Women think we have it easy, but I think we have the harder part. I don’t date more because I don’t get the non-verbal message that a woman might be accepting of my advances. You can only get shot down so many times before you stop.

Mark: Then there are the weird dates, you know the ones. Where your date tells you that several members of her family are armed and dangerous and they know she's on a date--so if she doesn't come home on time you're dead meat.

Ladies, that is a smattering of what is going on in the mind of the single mature man (read over thirty-five.) As your intrepid researcher I was willing to go to any length to gather info. Some I actually took from dates who knew what I was doing. Others I gathered from friends and colleagues who gave me squinty-eyed sideways glances, probably wondering if I would take the info to my secret women meetings to be used against them.

So maybe men do have some of the same fears, doubts even insecurities that plague us. Ironically, I didn’t get one man who told me dating was fun. All the books, I’ve been reading on how to date like a man advised me just to go out and have fun, not to have any expectations past the night. I guess none of my informants knew it was all about living in the moment and having fun. I have to keep telling myself that it's about the moment, not the next twelve months.

The funniest comment I received was about a friend of a friend. His seventy-eight year old friend had a date with a charming, attractive, sixty-six year old lady. When asked about the date, he groused, that she looked old. Sometimes what we really need is a realistic view of ourselves before we even try to date.

I would love to hear from you.

Self Doubts and the First Date

I struggle with the idea that I’m just too old to date. I squint into the mirror and notice wrinkles as I apply my mascara. What am I thinking? I remember on TLC’s What Not to Wear, Stacey London is always cautioning the “mature” woman not to go too sexy in her dress because against a twenty-four year old, the twenty-four year old wins every time. I think about wearing a turtleneck, but since I already have my makeup on I’ll just be wearing a turtleneck with makeup on it. Besides I’ll end up looking like Diane Keaton in her last four movies. Still Diane Keaton looks good, maybe the turtleneck? Instead I go with the lucky clothes.

Not unlike men who insist on wearing certain clothing to play sports in the belief it helps them win, I have lucky clothing. Realistically, they aren’t all that magical. While my snakeskin cowboy boots caught the eye of the dentist I dated once, I didn’t. They also went along on a date with an engineer I never saw again. Maybe the boots are off-putting. Perhaps men think it is odd choice since I’m not riding a horse and do not run a dude ranch. They could be wondering about other peculiar choices I might make. Still, I pull them on along with my miraculous skinny jeans.

My skinny jeans are not those tight peg leg pants, but jeans that are guaranteed to make me look skinny. You’ve seen them in the store and wondered if they worked. Well, they’re definitely tighter than my regular jeans. Putting them off requires the same amount of work as pulling on a pair of pantyhose resulting with the same tight, lifted rear. I may not look skinnier, but definitely tighter.

Onto the shirt where I worry about how low the neckline should be. Since I’m no Dolly Parton and have no implants to showcase I settle for modest neckline, especially since that is all I own. It’s probably the easiest decision. Going for my turquoise turtle earrings, I feel like I am readying myself for a ritual sacrifice.

I never dated much when I was younger and I remember why. I couldn’t stand the anxiety when I waited to see if a guy would like me. It’s odd I never took the power in my hands and rejected them. I usually settled with one fellow, no matter how a bad of a fit he was, and stayed. It just seemed easier. That’s my whole dating history and marriages summed up in one sentence.

I decided maybe after an Oprah episode that I deserved better. I wanted a man who appreciated me exactly how I am and not for what I could do for him. Realistically, all women know that we’ll stop the pampering shortly after marriage. It gets old, then, all we have is a man who is resentful he’s no longer the sun in our universe. On the hand, we might resent him for being so self-centered and demanding. Thinking back wasn’t this inevitable. Ahh, dating, romance, relationships—am I any good at any of these?

As I brush my hair I wonder if there is any evidence I should date. I’ve had lukewarm relationships in the past. Men who wanted to marry me, but I was leery for various reasons. My dog was a better companion. I think that he is my measuring stick. A man has to outdo my dog and he’s been working it for the last nine years. Truth is he’s still pampered so apparently he knows stuff the men don’t. Every time I walk into a room I’m wonderful, the best thing that has ever happened to him up there with bacon.

Spraying my last spritz of perfume I’m almost ready. My mind set has changed from being rejected which I sometimes am to comparing men to my dog. Men my age are so different from young men. Young men are more willing to take chances and go out with anyone just for fun. If it doesn’t work it’s no big deal. After getting to the first date with a seasoned gentleman I think I should be able to do mediation for major companies. The second date must be more like the Middle East Peace Talks. I might have to call in Jimmy Carter for help.

I’m ready at least I think I am. Funny thing is I try to appear cool and confident when I’m the opposite. How did that cell phone get in my hand? I put it down without calling and making some silly excuse. Isn’t that him pacing in front of the restaurant? It’s show time. What am I doing I could be home sitting on my couch watching television…and we all know how exciting that is. Stupid eHarmony commercial. He turns and smiles, a big delighted I’m glad to see you smile. When I’m close enough he reaches out his hand to take mine, says my name before enveloping me into a hug. Now I remember why I’m doing this.

Tell me about your doubts if you’re dating or past doubts if you’re in a relationship. Next time, I have a handful of single guys who divulged what they go through in the dating process. It isn’t as easy or as wonderful from the male point of view as I thought

The Awkward Stage

Okay, let’s admit it, aren’t all stages of dating awkward? Maybe after seeing each other for about six months it’s less awkward. By that time, you decided or he has decided that you don’t suit. Then it is onto a different awkward stage. I’m going to start with the phone call awkward. I’ve gone over my online prospects. Emailed back and forth a few times, but now it is time to step up the game to the phone call level.

This is nerve wracking for me because I truly feel like it is a game and I was never good at sports. By myself, I would sink that basket almost every time. Well, maybe that was when I was by myself…in my imagination. Same with the phone call, I’m brilliant before I get on the phone. In reality, there will be awkward silences. Probably due to the fact, I’m worried that my voice is too low or raspy. Then there’s my accent. Is it too late to develop a faux British accent? For all my worries, things often don’t even progress to this stage.

Some men don’t really want to date. They rather like the prospect of dating as opposed to the actual date or at least that is the way it seems to me. I had a year-long email relationship to only have the man disappear from cyberspace after we arranged to meet. Of course, you’re wondering why I continued to email for an entire year? He was sweet and it was nice to get his upbeat messages. When I decided to push to meet he seemed all for it in an ambivalent way.:) I used tickets to a comedy club as my lure, but about two weeks before the actual event he cut all contact. He did not respond to my emails. I couldn’t bring myself to call. A woman needs some pride. A few of you are saying married. Perhaps, he just realized it.

Most guys want to talk on the phone. They are going through their own checklist. No doubt, they peered at my tiny profile picture wondering how old it is and how much it has been photo shopped.:) The next step is voices. A low masculine timber does it for me, add a slight accent, even a Kentucky one, and I begin to melt. Still, there are so many pitfalls in the call. I can only list my own. All I do at work all day is talk and basically make up things as I go. It makes sense a phone call would be a no brainer, which translates to no brain function of any measurable type while using the phone.

The first phone call is a minefield everything from not having a clue what to say to not being able to make decipherable sounds emerge from my throat. I called a gentleman that I was meeting and I croaked hello. Maybe he thought it was a bad phone connection, but at least he didn’t hang up. Then some men just don’t talk, never mind croaking. After keeping up both sides of the conversation and introducing topics, I’m whipped. Normally it isn’t that difficult having a conversation with myself, but with another person involved it is exhausting. I may not make my decision to mark Mr. Incommunicado off the list, but the pencil is definitely in my hand. I am puzzled why a man with such a great picture seems to be lacking a personality. Don’t answer this, I know.:)

Moving on to the next phone call, usually the men send me their numbers so I can call at my convenience. It is hard to catch me at home. Perhaps they might think I am screening my phone calls, which I am, but I will pick up if able. That’s why I like to call the first time. My college age daughter is very curious about my prospects and will offer comments. She will also park herself nearby if she thinks I am talking to a man. My taste and hers aren’t exactly the same.

I am hoping to attract an active, intelligent man with humor and charm. She, on the other hand, is hoping I latch on to someone rich who will spoil me rotten and it will spill over on her. Maybe she’s hoping for an international businessman who might whisk the family off to the British Isles. I dated an international businessman once and the most exotic place he ever spirited me off to was Benihana’s. So I didn’t share my daughter’s enthusiasm for men who would spoil her.

Off to awkward conversations, which are really information gathering missions in disguise. CIA could get hints from online daters. Is he going to say anything totally weird that kills any interest? As a hard-core dog person, I find a man without a dog slightly suspicious. In truth, I guess I am looking for reasons to disqualify a guy. Why waste time with someone who would not be a good fit? The usual conversations center on work, children, and hobbies. I faked my way through entire sports conversations. Because I have sons and work with the football coach, I am able to fake sports.:)

Why do this? I don’t know how to not do this. The man starts talking about what he knows and I respond. It is a classic awkward conversation. There are the conversations where the man talks about his various exploits and I listen, another type of awkward conversation. There is the dreaded ex conversation where I feel a bit like a therapist. Then there is the conversation where everything clicks. My daughter goes by several times and raises her eyebrows as I giggle. She mouths the words, “Geek Humor.” How did she know we were talking about Star Trek? Then it happens.

He asks what I’m doing for the weekend. The date talk. I managed to make it all the way to the date talk. Now, I just have to make it to the date. I have high hopes for the date, but also high anxiety.

Can you remember your most awkward conversation? While I used to think it was the time I asked Roy to the Sadie Hawkins Day dance in 9th grade. A recent conversation won hands down. A prospect wanted me to explain why I was divorced in detail as in what I did to cause the divorce. I know what I did I got married. As for him, I hung up.

Online Dating: Can’t Buy Me Love…

Well, maybe I can at least find out if there are likely men in the area. That’s my first thought as yet another commercial comes on featuring a smiling couple who met online. Let’s face it. It’s Friday night and I am alone at home watching the Seinfeld marathon. Besides, they are having a free trial period; surely if I’m quick I can snag a man without even joining. That’s my plan…along with a several thousand plus other people.

Currently there are more adult single people in the United Stated than people who classify themselves as married or co-inhabiting according to the US Census. With those type of numbers, why be alone on Friday night? I do wonder if they counted the men in prison, mental institutions, and on life support. If so, that really decreases the numbers, but still I grab the laptop. I know the drill. I’m no online dating novice. Those photos when you initially open the site of people in your city do not live in your city. First of all, I haven’t seen them anywhere. The smooth face males with soulful eyes, garbed in tailored clothing would stand out among the grizzled, tired men in NASCAR jackets in my town. I did see them on the promos for various other dating sites. That’s because the smaller sites are interconnected.

You might sign up with Hottiesbeus.com and suddenly you are receiving mail and offers from maturehotties.com and singlehotties.com. (I made up the names, but with my luck they will be a real sites.)The joining fee is only about $30, so you might join the initial group, but not really get many appropriate matches. There is the thought of joining another add-on group to increase your odds. Resist. You basically are paying for the same pool of men. Only people who joined one of the interlocking groups get email offers. The ones who can afford the commercials offer you more people to choose from.

Knowing what I know, I signed up with the granddaddy of dating sites for my free trial. I have ten days—that sounds like a lot, but it isn’t. There is the initial processing—who knows what goes on there—before you are sent matches. Then, of course, you pick through your matches which arrive without photos to decide if any suit. Everyone knows men tend to be attracted to a woman’s outward appearance. As a woman, I like to think I’m not that shallow, but I would like a photo. That gives me a hint. A man who can’t even manage a smile for a dating website is not someone I’m interested in. Better yet, is the man holding aloft an oversized margarita in a bar. I would definitely pass on the man posing with the Hooter girls. Photos tell us so much, especially the photos a man picks to interest a potential date. Unfortunately, I have no photos.

All I have to go on is a few words on a profile. Words he may not have written. Daughters, sisters, even mothers have written profiles for the men in their lives. I even offered to write a profile for an ex-boyfriend I felt especially guilty breaking up with. I do find some profiles that interest me and send a wink or a comment. Be cautious ladies. Some of the low-end sites allow you to IM the person immediately. Often IMing is used by men in relationships for a thrill, to check the waters, or even as a bit of a game when a bunch of guys are together. You may not be IMing the man you saw on the profile because you’ll never actually meet him. Know who you are talking to—this becomes a bit tricky.

I’ve overheard my high school students talking about creating profiles online. Of course, they tried to create a profile that met their teenage fantasies. It must have met a great deal of older male fantasies because they got a great deal of hits. They used a photo from the Swedish Bikini Ski Team. It was a great game for these guys to respond to letters from lovelorn men. I mention this because online daters need to be careful.

Use a nickname instead of your real name; be vague about where you live, mention a nearby town, but not yours. Watch who is in your photos. As a newbie, I used my name, the exact small suburb of a larger city where I lived, and I had a picture of my large monstrosity of dog and me. The end result was a match I rejected started following me around town yelling my name. I joked I moved to get away from my stalker, but I did move. Watch what you reveal and how soon you reveal it. It’s better not to reveal anything messy online.

Please be careful of the too good to be true men. They write beautifully and if you actually paid for a membership you’ll see their extreme hotness factor. Shock of all shock, they’re interested in you. Your wonderful online friend thinks you might be soul mates…it is almost like a romantic novel. Don’t spend too much time on this one because he’s not real and will be asking you for money soon. Been there, did that, didn’t send money, but sent the picture around to all my friends to identify. He was identified as a quarterback for an NFL team. Back to the actual men or what I think are the actual men.

Okay, I sent off a few nods and winks to guys I might be interested in. I also got a few back. Now is the time to exchange the stilted questions. I make in fun of these, but in truth what do you really say when talking to someone you don’t know? If I was good at this, I wouldn’t be online! Some reply, some don’t. One or two that reply might say something totally weird. The pool of matches just got significant smaller. This isn’t going as well or as quick as I expected. It seems like we all have work and life to clog up our free time when we could be online. Time is running out as the company is so quick to remind me. It takes almost six months they cheerfully point out to find the right one. Each time I login they flash their join-up now price, which is too high.

On the last day of the trial, they drop their prices about 75%. I join because they dropped their prices and there were a few guys I just wanted to know what they looked like and continue to get to know them.

Join me for part two: which includes more truth and awkward first dates. Share your online experiences.