Reflection 2020

Ever watch a true-life movie an at the end they have little snippets about what happened to the people in the movie? This got me thinking about my blog I started about dating ten years ago.

It was a bold move to write about my dating adventures as a scientific endeavor. Before that I just went out with who asked me. Never mind if they were a good fit or not. They usually weren’t. Here is what I learned about the nature of relationships or more importantly the nature of a good relationship.

1.    Love yourself first. If you don’t treat yourself well, you’ll end up attracting people who do not value you. Start a relationship with yourself. Define your good points. Say affirmations. Do whatever it takes to feel good about you. It can be setting a small goal and reaching it. Maybe it could be pursuing a hobby or traveling. Whatever it is, go for it, because you’ve waited long enough to get to know who you really are.
2. You don’t have to put up with being treated bad. Seriously, you don’t. The first time I told a man I did not like being spoken to in a disrespectful manner, my knees were shaking. The man acted taken back, but he never spoke to me in such a way, again. You certainly don’t have to date people who don’t treat you well. There are plenty of people who will treat you well.
3. We all make mistakes. Accept it. Fix it. Move on. Almost everyone has had a bad date or a bad relationship. It happens. What I never want to be is a person who either moans about the perfect guy who got away or complains about a terrible ex. It happened, learn from it, and move on. Social media can be the perfect platform to obsess about a failed relationship.  Don’t make the mistake of cyber stalking.
4. Dating is not a competitive sport. Going on a bunch of dates and bragging about it on social media doesn’t make you a winner. In fact, this behavior will backfire especially when you find that certain person you want to spend more time with. Many people will jump into a rebound relationship to prove to their ex that they are desirable. These relationships are based on insecurity and neediness, which aren’t the basis of a stable relationship.
5. Decide what you need in a partner. Be honest. Make a list. Be realistic. (You won’t believe how many men put former playmate or supermodel on their list.) Decide what is a deal breaker. If you love dogs and can’t imagine life without out, then dog lover is a must.
6.  Appearance isn’t as important as it was when you were sixteen. Trying to define what a significant other looks like limits your possibilities of meeting someone you really click with. I can honestly say I went out with some gorgeous guys with zero personality. They didn’t have to work on developing one because people judged them by their outward attractiveness.
7. Never give up your interests or your ‘me’ time. When I was younger, a friend would vanish while she was dating someone. She’d show up again after they split. This was common behavior, but not healthy. Too often, we expect a significant other to provide for all our intellectual, emotional, and physical needs. This type of expectation dooms a relationship. It works both ways, too. While you need ‘me' or friend time, your partner does, too.
8. Be grateful. In a consumer-driven society, often we are focused on what we don’t have. Be thankful for what you do have. You have more than you think. Write it down. Keep adding to the list when you remember something good. Even bad situations can teach you something to avoid in the future. Feet issues kept me fairly immobile for about a year. Each step now is a moment of thanksgiving.
9. Grow. Don’t be afraid to change. Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. This applies to dating and relationships, too. If things haven’t worked out well, start by changing one thing.
10. Don’t start the scrapbook on date one. Most women tend to get emotionally invested fast. A date goes well and she’s already considering if her parents or friends will like him. This type of behavior often jeopardizes a budding relationship. It can also convince a person to stay in a mediocre relationship because of a time or emotional investment. Been there, done that. One way to avoid this is not to date exclusively until you’re sure.
11. Be able to let go when a relationship isn’t working. It might mean you’ll be alone, but that is hundred percent better than being in an abusive relationship. There are different kinds of abuse besides physical. There’s emotional, financial, and sexual.
12. Always be yourself. I should have led with this one. So many folks complain that their spouse changed once they married. What happened is they dropped their dating behavior and became who they really were.  If you aren’t who you are, quirks and all, how can anyone truly know and love you?
13. Don’t make the grand gesture early on. An average guy decided to pull out all the stops on the first date. He picked up his date in a limo, took her to an exclusive restaurant and wowed her. Sounds like a movie, right. He blew his budget on the first date. When he attempted to take her to lesser places, she was upset and felt cheated. Too often, we do too much, too early and set a precedent we can’t keep on meeting without a struggle and a boatload of resentment.
14. Be bold. One reluctant dater was told to make twenty-one dates in twenty-one days. At first, it was pure agony for the shy man. By date six, he was finding his rhythm.
15. Because our world is an uncertain place. Tell at least one person where you are going. Meet your date as opposed to being picked up. Choose a public venue for first dates. Always have your cell charged up. I only had one scary date and I was glad I drove.
16. Don’t expect perfection. Dating can be anxiety provoking for your date, too. People sometimes do goofy things. If the person doesn’t come across as a total jerk, give them some slack. Meeting someone you click with is fairly rare, so don’t throw away someone because he hasn’t read your favorite book or listens to your type of music.
17. Dating can be work. No seriously. People never say that. Instead, of binge watching a series with your dog and enjoying a glass of wine, you have to get ready for the test. Often, dates have a list of questions the police would do well to adopt for interrogations.
18. If possible, make the date a pleasant experience by doing something together such as creating a craft, enjoying a street fair, or going to Comicon.  Something that is interactive such as an escape room is good, too. It makes it less like an interview.
19. Always remember you matter. You don’t have to be in a relationship. This is about enriching your life. Maybe you are fine with how your life is currently. Does your significant other bring out your better qualities? If you don’t like who you are with this person, then leave, and be clear about it, too. Some folks are hanging out just waiting for their old flame to return because they were given the soft goodbye.
20. Remember, it's your life and you are in charge of it.

This is most of what I have learned from my year of scientific dating. When you find the right one, cherish him or her. I count myself lucky to have found someone I clicked with and loved me at my most authentic. Ironically, early on, he discovered my blog and had a better clue of who I was. We’ve been together nine years and will be celebrating eight years married. Each year is actually better than the last. It would have been so easy for me to miss out on this wonderful man. He was nervous in the beginning. Can’t remember what we said, but I do remember him checking his phone for the time. I thought he was anxious to get away, but he was more worried about blowing the date and wanted to end on a good note. It’s all about perception. Obviously, we got past our various perceptions and got to know one another.

In being true to ourselves, as opposed to others’ expectations, we were married in Vegas at the Graceland Wedding Chapel with an Elvis impersonator walking me down the aisle. I cherish the memories because together, we chose to do exactly what we wanted. 

Decide what you want in life. It’s never too late to get it.