Sunday, April 28, 2013

Laughter as a Dating Gauge

Many women will be attracted to a man, who makes them laugh. He is able to tap into the happy, carefree experience that women want to feel.  Any average-looking guy can wow a woman with humor. Type in something about making your date laugh and you’ll get tons of results.  A man should know a couple things. There are different types of laughter that signal different feelings.

First dates often solicit nervous laughter. This can be the result of not knowing the person and not knowing how to act. Women will often resort to nervous laughter when in awkward situations or embarrassed. An example of this is when a male model for the art class drops his robe. It can also be a reaction to an inappropriate question. It doesn’t mean the woman is enjoying herself. This type of laughter is usually sudden and short.

Polite laughter is what you do to please people. Your boss or friend tells a joke and you laugh even if it wasn’t that funny. A woman often laughs in respect to how attracted she is to a man. If she really likes him, she’ll laugh often and loud. The decibel level does two things. It keeps the man’s attention on her. In a very primitive sense, it warns off other women. Shrieking primates warn off possible invaders that might infringe on their territory. It's the same with women. Laughter is aggressive. The baring of teeth along with high pitch barking laugh can scare away people too. This is part of the psychology of laughter.

Inuits used to use laughter when trying a person of crimes. The more intense the laughter the more likely you’d be declared the victor. It paid to have good comedic timing if you also had a larcenous nature.

Cruel laughter is hard to explain, but you know when you’ve been a victim of it. Those funniest home video where the guys are usually hit in the groin is an example of cruel  laughter. Generally, it is a sign of relief that something bad happened to someone else as opposed to you. It is also a sign of immaturity.

 Laughter is also used as a tool to keep men at arm's length. No man wants to be ridiculed.  Laughter serves as confirmation to a stated opinion. A date might say your joke was cheesy, then laugh. She is agreeing with herself and by laughing it gives her original statement more credibility.

Women laugh differently with friends than with dates. If a woman feels safe with friends, she might engage in the belly laugh. A laugh so free and uninhibited that tears roll down her face. Does your date ever laugh like this? Don’t expect it on the first couple of dates. If she does laugh in this manner, trust is developing which is a great sign.

The snorting laugh is not as uncommon as you think. A third of laughers learn to laugh keeping their mouth closed, which causes a snorting response.  If you honestly believe you cannot ever love a snorter, give it up early because you will not reteach him or her how to laugh differently. Instead, you will cause them not to laugh at all.

Good time laughter is probably the best laughter of all. This is spontaneous, free flowing, and can occur anywhere.  It could happen on an amusement park ride, on the dance floor, or even over dinner. It usually is mid-range laughter with the person appearing relaxed. It is not drawing attention to itself, but simply is. Keep in mind, some women do laugh during sex as an expression of joy, not as a critique.

If your date isn’t chuckling, does that mean he or she hates you? Nope, not everyone is a laugher or even has a sense of humor. There could be a chance you erred in what you thought was an appropriate joke. The funny PETA joke that had all your co-workers chuckling isn’t funny to your date who is a PETA supporter. Best bet is self-depreciating humor. It works best because you don’t have to worry about any taboo subjects. As you learn, more about your date you’ll find out what she thinks is funny.

Getting the man to laugh is not as easy as you think. Comedian Susan Prekel admits in Scientific American that seeing an attractive single man in the audience causes her heart to sink. The reason is women love it when men make them laugh, and often swarm the male comedian after the show. Not so with female comedians and their male audience. It is almost as if men guard their laughter as something precious, refusing to give it out to strange women.

Men will laugh a great deal with other men, even men they don’t know, by using universal themes such as bosses, women and sex for fodder. Even a man who seems at ease is seldom as comfortable as a woman might think.  A man on a date is the equivalent to a man on a job interview.  Even if your friends tell you that you crack them up, but your date remains stone-faced, do not take it personally. Men and women find different things funny. A woman might be using her best material, but it needs a female audience. A man might like you even though he isn’t laughing. He may be too busy trying to remember conversational topics to respond to yours.

The worst type of laughter on a date is drunken laughter. It isn’t about you at all. You’ve encountered a silly drunk who even thinks the names of entrees are giggle-worthy. Think twice before dating this person again. Most people are aware enough not to drink too much in an effort to make a good impression. Your date doesn’t care about making a good impression, but would rather drink to get drunk, which isn’t a laughing matter.

The next time your date laughs, don’t consider yourself an automatic shoo-in. It is better to figure out what he or she is laughing about. Better yet, do you feel comfortable enough around your date to laugh? If your date shows signs of being embarrassed because of your laugh, realize yours will never be a comfortable relationship where you can laugh so hard tears flow. Laughter releases endorphins, which helps make the relationship a positive one.   

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Stalkers, Part Two

If you ever watched a movie of the week, you’ll see some creepy guy lurking in the shadows usually clutching a butcher knife. The premise is the man doesn’t know the woman well, but has fixated on her for some reason. That isn’t the case with most stalkers because they do know you and feel that they are entitled to both your time and interest. They aren’t all men either. Women are quickly becoming equal when it comes to stalking. This is due to social media making it so much easier.

Often a stalker is someone without a strong support network of friends and associates. Truly, if he had something better to do than hack into your social media accounts and lurk in your job parking lot, he would. There are types of stalkers as explained by Stalking Risk Profile which is the combined product of six mental health experts.

The stalker you are probably best acquainted with is the Rejected Suitor. He may have asked you for a date, which you refused or you may have went on date and it was so miserable you vowed never to repeat it. In the suitor’s mind, it is a waiting game. You may have been in a relationship with the stalker too.  Often he seems to both hate and desire you simultaneously. The suitor wants you back, but sometimes he wants revenge because you rejected him.

The Resentful Stalker feels that somehow you put one over on him or her.  There is a need for revenge that may build as he or she feels victimized by your uncaring attitude.  Of course, you are usually unaware of what you’ve done to merit this treatment.

The Intimacy Seeker Stalker usually does not know the victim, but he or she would like to. These people often attach to celebrities. A case in point is the woman who snuck into David Letterman’s house claiming she was his wife. She had been stalking him for months.

The Incompetent Suitor does not successfully date, so he picks an acquaintance or even a stranger to fixate upon for romantic purposes. His goal is to get a date or a short-term sexual relationship.

The Predatory Stalker is often male, and targets strangers. His interest is sexual and often the stalking behavior provides some form of sexual gratification.

Are you being stalked? Here are ten basic signs.

1.       Someone lurking around your neighborhood or workplace. Once might be coincidence, twice weird, but three times, no way.

2.       Being watched. You know the feeling, but when you look around your stalker looks away making you feel a trifle embarrassed for suspecting him.

3.       Repeated phone calls. These aren’t daily check-in phone calls with your sweetie, but calls from someone you have no relationship with.  They may be hang-up calls.

4.       Inappropriate gifts-these may start out as sweet, but when you refuse his overtures, they become weird, and often pornographic to punish you.

5.       Finding yourself in need of being rescued. This is when your car breaks down, and suddenly your stalker shows up to rescue you. Isn’t it odd he knew your car would break down?

6.       Manipulation. Sometimes this takes the form of filing lawsuits against whoever he is stalking because it puts him in contact with his victim.

7.       Internet Stalking. This can be as little as forwarding several cute photos or jokes. Later, he can ask you about them.

8.       Defamation of Character or Insults. He is trying to run you down, embarrass you so you’ll withdraw from your support network.

9.       Violence. He might break into your home or vandalize your car. Often the threat of violence to someone important to the victim causes the victim to cave into the stalker’s demands.

10.   Cumulative Unwanted Contact of any Kind- this might be something non-threatening, but viewed over a month timetable it is excessive.

You are convinced you have a stalker, what should you do.  Tell your friends, travel with people as opposed to being alone, some online guides advise you to talk to the stalker and tell him to stop. Never talk to your stalker.  You will only be giving him what he wants. Make sure you have blocked the stalker from your social networks and phone. Better yet, lay low from the social networks because he can use someone else’s account to visit.

Keep a record of your stalker’s behavior, gifts, threats, appearances, etc., then, call the police. Technically, they won’t do much except file a report, but they are on alert in case you do call in an emergency, and will treat it as such. Change up your routine since he apparently knows it. If need be move in with someone else for a while. Always carry a charged cell phone.

Men should never underestimate the danger of a woman spurned. Many women have found that they suffer no consequences for stalker behavior because men do not report them. So, they continue to stalk.

Do not discount woman on woman stalking either. Often it can be your ex’s new, but unstable girlfriend. It can also be someone from work who resents you. It can be a girl crush too. Take the same precautions because often women can be much more vengeful than men.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Sssh, I'm Husband Hunting

A recent letter by Princeton Alum has made some women hopping mad. The reason is this mother of two sons is advising female Princeton students to grab a husband fast before they graduate. This reminds me of women going to school to get their MRS degree. Women often never graduated from college because they landed a husband before their senior year. They got the designation in front of their name instead after it.

Let’s look at Susan Patton’s advice. After commending the young women on going to Princeton, she then tells them to get ready to snag a man because no place will have as many potential candidates in one spot.  In truth, she’s right about that. Women and men trying to date after college have trouble finding like-minded people. Colleges amaze me because they are seas teaming with available prospects.

Susan goes on to confide that women don’t necessarily want the stellar career exclusively, but value home and family more.  In the end, a good marriage makes life better. You’ll get the good marriage if you marry one of your own kind, a Princeton grad. The Christian Monitor revealed in their follow up to the article that Mrs. Patton recently was divorced from her husband of twenty-seven years. Her main complaint was her husband attended a no name university, which was a constant source of strife. This is an area of strife. Unbelievable.

Patton goes on to warn the female students to get out there and make their choices quick because unlike the male students they cannot date anyone younger. Why is that? Plenty of women marry younger men. It would seem that Ms. Patton wants a traditional marriage where the man is the major bread earner. Why get married at twenty, twenty-one or even twenty-two?  Can you remember how young you were at these ages? Where you ready for marriage?

Professionals are marrying later and later. The average age for men is about 28.5, while women wait until they’re at least 26.7. These are averages. Another interesting statistic is that women who marry early tend to cheat more because they feel they missed out.

If your main reason to go to college is to hunt down a man, would you be getting the college experience? Would you devote as much time to your studies as you should? I think we all know the answer to this.

Ms. Patton inadvertently advises women against working on their own identities. If you aren’t enough, then you will end up with a partner who treats you in such a fashion. In her scenario, Princeton men are the ultimate prize. She tantalizes the readers with the information she still has an unmarried son in Princeton. I bet he’s getting some blowback from this article.

I think what offends me is the elitist tone of the article. The implication being if you went to Harvard, Columbia, MIT, or heaven forbid, a state college, then you aren’t good enough to rate a Princeton gal. Add to that Princeton men are little more than big game as intrepid female hunters set their lures to catch the unwary prey.

Ms. Patton doesn’t address the fact that not all women want to have children, many do not want to marry, and there are some female students who’d like to marry, but not men.  The world is changing. What used to be the pinnacle of success, no longer is.

The other night, I watched the original Twilight Zone. The episode featured a beautiful woman who was attempting to land a husband, which she did. The husband became dissatisfied because the women had no substance, and no beliefs, no interests outside of him. It was hard for me to believe such a creature existed at one time.

Reviewing Census Records shows most marriages do last at least five years. The Census status also shows a decline in marriage because people do not want to deal with the headaches of divorce. Michelle Langley, author of Women’s Infidelity, states that while women push for the commitment they also initiate 70% of the divorces after only four years of marriage. Why? Maybe marriage or marriage to that person wasn’t what they really wanted.

 As women, we tend to go after what is dominant in the public eye. That’s why you have advertisements, fashion shows, even movies to encourage pursuing and often buying certain things, even if they aren’t in your best interest. Women often marry without ever realizing what they really want or need.

Ms. Patton and I have that in common. She believed her marital mistake resulted in not marrying a Princeton grad. Mine was marrying too early and not knowing the man I married. Thank goodness, I became smarter with age.

If you had advice for your women entering college or contemplating marriage, what would it be?

Monday, April 8, 2013

Reality Check

We often wonder why dating is not working out. It could be a reality check is needed. Are you more concerned about being right or happy? Ironically, we want to be both, but end up being neither. Part of the reason is we believe in media-fabricated lies. Those same lies are coming from our friends too.

#1 Everyone is dating but me. Actually, 25% of your friends, co-workers and acquaintances improve their dating status. That means if they aren’t dating, they manufacture some flirting, or a few single dates. A person who has a few dates infers more than one date, or a budding relationship. Depending on your associates, the number might be higher.

#2 Online dating sites are full of jerks. I assumed this once because of the sporadic replies to my inquiries or winks. That’s before I found out not only do sites keep closed accounts, but sell them to other online dating organizations to increase their numbers. Out of the twenty men you winked at, maybe only one of them was active.

#3 Only people on dating sites lie. Some do, definitely, but are all those guys at the bar telling you the truth? Your friends who fix you up often embellish the truth too. Of course, you’ve never stretched the truth in regards to your weight, age, or how long you’ve been divorced. People lie every day, but the important thing is what they lie about. Marital status should be the lie that concerns you the most.

#4 Super Model Syndrome. This is where a man believes he merits a super model. Women expect some gorgeous millionaire charmer. If you think you landed such a man, then you probably have a liar. Often, a handsome man can spin a lie better than an average fellow can. The reason this works is that women want to believe.

#5 The right woman can reform a bad boy. Thousands of women treasure that hope. Only a bad boy can change his ways. A woman falling for his tired lines only plumps up his ego, and does not change his attitude, or guarantees him sticking around. 

#6 Women want equality but not on the first date. When it comes to paying, they want the man to pay and they expect men to pay. When they don’t, they consider the man a cheapskate. As the relationship develops, women will share expenses. Often, they do not go out again with men who expect them to split expenses on the first date.

#7 Numbers don’t matter. Actually, they do. Only a few of us can meet the right person after dating in the single digits. Everyone knows someone who married their childhood sweetheart, but also knows ten other people who divorced their high school sweetie.

#8 Ex-lovers can remain friends. For whatever reason, many people believe they can be friends with an ex.  At best, the friend excuse is a ploy to monitor an ex’s activities. This is so wrong because it will only end up upsetting you.

#9 Tall men are better. Remember how upset you’d get when you were passed over for a D-cup blonde? Maybe you grumbled that you had so much more to offer, which you did. The road goes both ways.

#10 The third date rule where people jump in bed to judge compatibility. This is a non-rule and allows people to confuse compatibility with chemistry. Men often quit seeing the woman because the pursuit ended, while women try to push a mediocre relationship if they slept with a date.

#11 Love conquers all. This is a fairy tale. Love doesn’t conquer an interfering ex, long distance hardships, money or sexual issues. Often people from very diverse backgrounds expect everything to work out because they love each other.

#12 Intelligent women intimidate men. The movies and television shows lead you to believe that. It’s not true. Men prefer women who can hold an intelligent conversation.  

#13 Men prefer assertive women. If by assertive you mean aggressive the answer is no. A casual glance, an interested smile, or flirty banter is okay, but texting repeatedly, liking everything your potential honey puts on Facebook, even casually dropping by to chat is over the line.

#14 You can fall in love without ever meeting in person. You need to qualify this with you fall in love with someone you create in your head as opposed to the actual person. Ironically, when these people meet they often do not suit because they didn’t fit the image each other created.

There are other myths, but these are a good starting place.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Lies You Should Avoid on Your Profile

Over 75% of people lie on their profile to make themselves sound more attractive. Some lies will only cause you grief as opposed to getting you a second date.

1.       Lying about your height is a big one - Sure, some women only want to date taller men. Then there are men who only want to date shorter women.

2.       Marital status is the biggest lie - If separated, but going through divorce, admit it. It will cut out the people who do not want to date a separated individual.

3.       Saying you want a long-term relationship, when you don’t - Often men, and sometimes women, make up excuses about getting back with an ex to keep a relationship from becoming too serious. Be up front with your intentions and you should find someone like-minded.

4.       Photo lies - Please use recent photos, both close-ups and full lengths.

5.       Most people inflate their salaries - Be honest, there are people definitely looking for a meal ticket, so why pretend to be it. Then again, why mention it.

6.       Pretending to be Bi - Some women thinks this makes them sound hot. What they get are guys who expect them to be bi-sexual when they are not.

7.       No Kids lie - This works two ways. You pretend you don’t have kids when you do, or you have no interest in having kids when you do.

8.       Pretending not to smoke or drink - How long is this going to last, especially if you hit it off.

9.       Your geographical location is sometimes a lie - I caution women never to give specifics for the sole reason of remaining safe. Often people state they live in high profile places when they don’t.

10.   The love of animals when one doesn’t - Why lie to attract a dog lover, when he or she does come with a dog.

11.   Pretending to like sports when you don’t - You might find yourself scaling a cliff when you are deathly afraid of heights because of your profile lie.

12.   Ivy League education pretense - Most people don’t care where your degree came from. Those who do can easily check out if you went to Harvard.

13.   My faith is everything - People pretend to have deep religious beliefs to pick up good girls or guys. Keep in mind, you will never be first in their life.

14.   Languages and the ability to speak several feels safe until your date tries to speak to you in a foreign language.

15.   Saying you aren’t interested in physical appearance when you are - You can emphasize you are an avid athlete and are looking for like-minded person if looking for a lean body type.

16.   You’re a fan of the arts - The problem is your date will want to go to the opera, symphony, and ballet.

  There are probably more, but these seem to be the major ones put in profiles to attract dissimilar people. By lying, you waste both your time. Sadly, you probably decrease your chance of meeting someone you would connect with by lying about who you really are.