Monday, February 25, 2013

Lying Is the New Normal

Lying is the new normal. Smart spouses and companions know when the absolute truth isn’t necessary. This includes little things, like not mentioning that she has put on weight making her pants tight. Trust me she knows it. If she’s asking you point-blank, there is no reward for honesty in these situations. People who insist their faith or their nature requires them to be brutally honest are little more than bullies. Think of all the times you never managed to say nothing, changed the subject, or even left the room to save someone’s feelings. Spouses in good marriages fudge the truth about 25% of the time.

These white lies are mainly about appearance, other people’s appearance, or damage to the car. A good example is asking your date if he finds your best friend attractive. Your friend may be attractive, but an intelligent man would always say no. If he prides himself on his honesty and says yes, then suddenly a scenario begins to play out in your head. Any remarks in references to your friend he makes is analyzed carefully. This has most people treading a thin line when to tell the unvarnished truth. There is a difference in protecting someone’s feeling and lying for personal gain.

Various news stories highlight that many people do not have a qualm lying about their education or experience. A teacher hired to teach remedial algebra actually had no math experience. She lied her way through the interview and hoped to learn on the job. Everything was fine until the second week when a student stole the teacher answer book to prove she knew nothing about math.  Do people approach dating with the same attitude?

Some do. I watched another episode of Catfish, which I liken to watching a train wreck. Someone in the online romance is lying, sometimes both of them. Lying allows the person feel more important. I consider profile pictures where the man is photographed by a small plane, speed boat, or sports car he doesn’t own as a form of lying. There is never any identifying information that this isn’t his stuff. Won’t a potential date want to ride in the car, plane, or boat? Some men think they landed a female so it won’t matter. It does matter. It is just the same as the Catfish participants finding out they aren’t dating an international model, but a felon. He or she wanted to trade romantic interludes with a model. It is the same as some people wanting to date flight attendants, sports stars, and doctors. That is the danger of lying about your career.

Now plenty of people do lie on their profile and on a date to get the date hooked, or so they think. Many women choose to lie about children. They say they don’t have them or fudge on the numbers. Most men can accept a woman with a child, and might even get serious about her, but few would date a woman with five children. The financial and emotional hardship that comes with that many children is something most males would pass on. Some women might respond by saying that is why I had to lie. Still, is it better to mislead someone who will drop you eventually because you weren’t honest? If a guy puts on his profile question he does not want to date a woman with children that MEANS no children.

The biggest lie that both men and women are capable of is regarding marital or availability status. Separated is not divorced. Recently divorced people often push their divorce into the past so as not to seem too fragile or needy. There is also the on again, off again relationship with an ex. Then there is the stalker ex who has majorly terrorized other dates. These are all things you really need to know.  You don’t know if your date is holding back on you. I’ve had girlfriends tell me when they pressed for some type of commitment from their boyfriend he suddenly admits to being married. Shouldn’t that have come up at hello?

People often lie about things that would make them an undesirable catch such as being unemployed, living at home with parents, or being a felon. How will you find these things out if he’s lying? You can take the Catfish approach and Google him or her.  You can actually take their pictures and put them on an image search. Be forewarned this isn’t always accurate. Names are amazingly common. I found 164 people have the same name as me on Facebook alone. Some are single, some married, some raise horses, a couple live in England so you can see why just looking up a person on the Internet doesn’t do it. If your date chooses to use an alternative name then a record search is pointless.

People lie about religion, money and sex. Many people prefer to date within their faith. Surprise, your would-be date is the same faith as you because of a new conversion. Never mind that his profile lists him as atheist. Everyone likes to appear more successful than they are, and some inflate salaries to do that. Debt usually goes up directly in proportion to salary. People usually don’t talk about debt, foreclosures, and bankruptcies if they can help it. When forced, people will fudge the facts. Unfortunately, it will come out when you try to buy a home or car together.

Sex is a tricky issue because sometimes the lies reassure the current mate. No man or woman wants to know the ex was wonderful in bed. Other times, it allows the man usually to proceed full speed ahead. Lies about having a vasectomy or being disease free could cause dire consequences. When AIDS first made its appearance on the dating scene, a survey among men over twenty-five inquired if they would tell their partner if they had AIDS. A whopping 25% said they would never tell their partner.

There’s evidence enough that lying is the new normal. What I have found from my dedicated watching of Catfish, the reality show that exposes lying Romeos and Juliets, the liar is not able to continue the relationship. Those meaningful midnight conversations meant nothing because they were conducted with someone who didn’t exist. The common complaint if they lied about their name, job, or age is whatever else they fabricated.

Consider this when you fudge on your age, career, or post a photo of how you looked twenty years ago. Your date won’t be able to get past the fact you lied. Better yet, why did you lie? Maybe that’s more important than the lie.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Who Benefits More from Marriage?

Who benefits more from marriage? I am a big romance novel fan, especially the historical romance. The main goal in these tales is for the women to snag the right man to jumpstart their lives.  That’s why I was shocked when Scarlet O’Hara said, “Marriage, fun? Fiddle-dee-dee. Fun for men you mean.”

As a beautiful, wealthy single woman, her responsibilities included little more than dancing, flirting, and changing outfits. As a married woman, she would run the household, be the mother, nurse on duty, and social hostess. It was easy to see why Scarlet might not what to give up her lifestyle.

I researched various scholarly journals, surveys, and blogs about marriage to get data. I always assumed women got the better deal. Why else would females scheme in both movies and books to get the man to propose? When women didn’t work, or have an education, it was beneficial having a man support them. Most women are now self-supporting, making it that much easier to walk away when a marriage doesn’t pan out.

Therefore, what are the benefits? I found each sex perceived the other as having all the benefits. The results I managed to cobble together came from Men’s Health magazine, Dr. Waite (medical doctor), Dr. Porshe Hunt (sociologist), and Dr. Obie Clayton (Sociologist), MSN Money site and Carolyn Monihan (a blogger.)

Benefits for Men

Helps you live longer

Helps you beat cancer

Keeps you out of trouble

More quality sex

Increases your pay

Speeds up your next promotion/wives support career advancement

Less household duties

More happiness

More defined purpose

Being divorced doubles the rate of suicide in men

Married men are more likely to stop smoking

Benefits for Women

Less postpartum depression

Less risk of cardio vascular disease and type 2 diabetes

Less risky behavior

Fewer issues with alcoholism



Dual Benefits

Lower car insurance

Better credit rating

Better loan options

Combined expenses

Share employer benefits

Increased financial stability

Good mental health

Single people spend twice the amount of time in the hospital as married people do

I noticed some of the intangible benefits weren’t listed, such as when you think you hear someone breaking into the house. When you live alone, you have two choices, investigate or lay awake in fear all night. When married, you wake up your spouse who tells you it’s the neighbor or the wind and you go back to sleep. That might be under good mental health.

I came across a couple of interesting theories in the reading of benefits or lack of them. One was the movies, songs, and books are to get females in a state where they want to get married. If society didn’t put the slant for women to get married, then they wouldn’t. When a guy doesn’t marry he’s a player, but a woman is a rejected loser. Why is that?

One commenter put it succinctly by saying the person who benefits is the one who invests the least. We like to believe marriage is an equal partnership, but often there is one person who loves and gives more. The person who loves and does less gets the maximum benefit. The same person also calls it quits when things don’t suit.

As for who benefits the most, I think it depends on the people in the marriage. Personally, I think I benefit the most in my marriage. Still, I am hoping my husband thinks he benefits the most. 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Dangers of Dating Daddy's Girl

A juvenile complaint was filed, accusing the girl of simple battery and damage to property (file pic)

Are you a Daddy’s Girl? You knew you could always go to your father to solve all your problems. He believed no one was good enough for his little princess. He probably did his best to put the fear of God, plus Smith and Wesson into your dates. As you grew older, and moved away, you knew you could always return for a self-esteem boost, a loan, and your oil changed. What’s wrong with being Daddy’s Girl? Isn’t it great to be loved so much, put up on a pedestal, and given anything your little heart desires?

You do have to realize no man will ever measure up to your father. Generations change and the skills we now value may not be the same skill set your father possesses. Many women are disappointed that their husband or boyfriend can’t build a deck, do simple plumbing work, or even install a ceiling fan. Their most common response is I’ll Call Dad He Can Fix It. Talk about a romance wrecker.

If a man and woman want a balanced relationship, they can’t have dear old dad in it.  A man deals with his wife, or girlfriend differently than a father might, especially an indulgent father. Many a doting father will justify doing without to give his adoring daughter whatever she wants. You see how this sets up the man in her life to be a regular dragon.

Daddy will justify his daughter’s actions no matter how outrageous or just wrong they are.  Everything from overspending to cheating will be attributed as the man’s fault. Daddy’s Princess does not expect to take care of herself, earn her way, or even take responsibility for the drama she might cause by her behavior.  Her father has allowed her to have her way because he could never stand the thought she might pull her love away.

Her love is conditional. Of course, she loves her father who is a combination of God, Santa Claus, and a Sugar Daddy. Since he started this from the beginning, it was hard for him to draw the line without resulting in a screaming hissy fit. This has become her ultimate tool, crying, pouting, complaining you’re mean, or even threatening to hurt herself. She won’t. She likes herself way too much. Daddy is a non-confrontational type unwilling to stand up to tears.

Can you guess what she is looking for in a man? Someone who is just like Daddy; one who will spoil her rotten and buckle under her threats.  These women usually prefer men older than them because it feels more familiar. These men are so grateful for a young girlfriend they are willing to liberally sprinkle them with jewels and extravagant gifts.

If you haven’t guessed it yet, Daddy has created a raging need for absolute adoration and attention. Consider this: she managed to cut out her siblings and mom out of Daddy’s attention circle.  With this in mind, she needs to be the center of everything. She has friends, but when they take attention off her, they’re gone.  She may often be rude to servers because it is all about her. She is anxious to put everyone beneath her heel.

Somewhere she’s heard about people having feelings. She may have halfway believed it. In the end, it is only her feelings that matter. When you first meet, you may be dazzled by her perfect smile, blemish free skin, and spray-on tan. Daddy paid for every one of those things.

She only has one agenda: that is to get what she wants. She’ll throw anybody to the wolves who gets in her way. All women are considered her competition, which is why she even has catty things to say about the sweet, old librarian. This bitchy attitude only reaffirms in her mind that she is superior to everyone. She’ll date (because unbelievably) men seem to like this behavior. Some men are afraid to stop dating her since she has already shown an appetite for destruction and scenes.

If a man does fall in love with a Daddy’s Girl, be forewarned she will be the ultimate bridezilla.  Forget horse driven carriages, she’ll want popular groups to perform at her reception. She might even insist on angels suspended over the guests, sprinkling angel dust or a life-sized wedding cake of herself. Any time the groom has the nerve to oppose her, Daddy will be brought in to overrule him.

Think long and hard before dating Daddy’s Little Princess. Know no one ever measures up. If she is denied something from a new car to designer clothes, she’ll go directly to her father who will either buy it or condemn her guy for not doing so.

Why is being Daddy’s Girl so damaging to a relationship? Men want a woman’s favor, trust, and adoration. They want to be the hero in the woman’s life, but they can’t if her father takes that role. A woman who constantly throws up how her father could accomplish simple tasks that her man can’t is disloyal and mean. It certainly doesn’t improve in-law relations either.

There are some women who overcome this, but most don’t. Why should they? It gets them what they want.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

What You Need To Know To Rock Valentine's Day

According to recent polls, 53% of women declared they would dump their current squeeze if he didn’t get the right gift. I do hope these women weren’t married. Still, what is the right gift?

Flowers are always a standby. Proflowers, a flower delivery, conducted a recent poll, which showed only 18% of women wanted red roses from their significant other. Ironically, they did find out 14% of the women who receive flowers on Valentine’s Day send them to themselves. No reason not to if you want to guarantee a nice bouquet on Valentine’s Day.

Flowers can be dicey because they actually have meaning behind them, and not the pretty-and-smell-good meaning. Red roses equal love, while lavender means you’re falling in love.  Yellow indicates friendship, while the exotic black rose is sometimes a sign of the end of a relationship. Most men are unaware of the connotations of getting the wrong color. The wrong color might be your only choice too.

Even the numbers are significant. A single rose is supposed to indicate love at first sight. Unfortunately, your gal or guy might just think you’re cheap. The grouping of 108 roses is equivalent to a marriage proposal.

A dozen roses usually runs $75-90 in the United States on Valentine’s Day. Keep in mind; this is the biggest florist delivery day. Your order might not be delivered, or not be the quality you want, and then you have the women who don’t want flowers.  What’s a guy to do?

Many men resort to jewelry. Women like jewelry, right? Seems like a safe bet. Most single women in a relationship expect a ring on Valentine’s Day. You’ve just entered another gift giving minefield. Most women prefer to pick out their own ring, but they still want the proposal on bended knee with a ring. Most jewelers understand, and will let you return the ring for a different one. The jewelers believe that once the woman is in the store they can sell up. The woman places more significance on the ring than the man does.

Caution to the men and women too: just because your partner wants to be engaged on Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean you should, if you’re not feeling it. Been dating for over two years, and you haven’t proposed? There’s a reason for it. Often people who feel pushed into a proposal are resentful. It certainly doesn’t make for a good marriage. Think out this decision carefully. Your sweetheart can keep the ring, leaving you out a couple thousand. If she gives it back, the jeweler will offer you store credit of a tiny percentage of what you paid to buy it back. Guys never think you can give it to another woman, major bad Karma.  If you are thinking jewelry and aren’t ready for a major commitment, go with earrings, diamonds or pearls. Those are always nice.

Often men think lingerie is a great gift. How well do you know the woman? If you aren’t intimate, this is a quick way to end the relationship. Even if you are intimate, so many things could go wrong. The wrong size can indicate either she’s too heavy or you’re thinking of a previous girlfriend. Wrong style or selection can be perceived as skanky or even too sedate. If you’re sweetie doesn’t already wear something similar, it means she probably won’t. A gift certificate to Victoria Secret would work better. Not all women like lingerie because they see it as manipulation. They see the man providing a tiny scrap of lace and satin in hopes of getting amazing sex. What the woman wants is validation of your love.

Whoa!. What does that look like? It depends on your mate or girlfriend. What does she like or need? Some women would be appreciative of a card with a dinner out. Others might appreciate help around the house and a romantic stroll. Most women aren’t exactly secret in their desires. In fact, they may have been hinting for a while that they wanted to see a particular play, go dancing, or get away to some place exotic.

Money is often the issue. Let your sweetie know how you feel by writing her a love letter, a poem, or even a song. You might want to bypass the song if this isn’t your talent. Think of ways to show your love. It might be cooking dinner. What does a married woman want for this holiday? According to Huffington Post, little things can show your love, such as restaurant reservations, help around the house and sleep.

Ask before you assume anything. Don’t worry about surprises. It isn’t better to do the right thing than be surprised when she doesn’t like your gift. Women often equate your failure to do the right thing as to not caring. Yes, this is true. From her viewpoint, she has told you several times in your relationship her favorite things. Where you listening? You didn’t realize then that you were supposed to be putting that information into your phone? Too much stress on the gift may be one reason so many couples break up before Valentine’s Day.

Ladies, keep in mind that your boyfriend, partner, or companion is trying. I know plenty of women who continually scorned their husbands’ gifts. Know what they’re getting this year? Nothing--the same as they did last year. It saves the husband time and money and facing contempt for his efforts. Appreciate the effort.

I know it seems overwhelming, but please don’t blow off the day. The candy, card, and floral industry has inflated the importance of Valentine’s Day to a pinnacle event. This is the reason so many women want to be married, or at least proposed to, on Valentine’s Day. It doesn’t make the marriage any sweeter, but it does make for a romantic retelling.

Another caution: consider where your relationship is currently when gifting. If you’ve only had a few dates, showing up with two dozen roses, and a diamond necklace is not appropriate. Someone you’re casually dating might merit something like a funny card (not insulting) and a night out.

All she really wants to know is how important she is in your life. If she isn’t, why are you two together in the first place?


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The Girl Friend Lies


Ever watch the movie; He’s Not That Into You? The women in the movie spend the entire film length telling each other relationships lies. My husband wondered aloud, why would they do such a thing that causes the other women’s relationship to go into free fall? Well, it’s two-fold, often women tell each other lies because it is what they know the woman wants to hear, even though it is not true. The second reason is a little more devious because they want the relationship to fail for the friend. Perhaps they have their eye on the guy, or maybe they’re just petty and jealous.

About now, you are wondering what are the lies? First one is the soul mate lie. Scarlett Johansen’s character meets up with a married man who flirts with her. Her character finds herself drawn to the man, but questions if she should pursue him. Her friend condones the chase, by saying that he’s her soul mate, and adds on some long-winded urban legend about a married man meeting his soul mate at a church function.  Most people realize a married man who cheats on his wife, will continue to cheat no matter who that wife might be. Why did he wander if the first place? It wasn’t because his wife was so bad, but the novelty drew him, and it always will.

The second lie girlfriends tell each other is the commitment lie. Often people choose to live together without marriage and are happy until the lie. Women will tell other woman a man isn’t serious unless he marries you. The woman told the lie, goes home picks a fight with her guy, often moves out making the lie a self-fulfilling prophecy.  They might fight, then, manage to work it out, or even force the guy into marriage he resents.

The third lie girlfriends like to tell each other is that a man is interested in their friend when he really isn’t. Usually this is to boost up her self-esteem, but often it has disastrous consequences. In the movie, angelic-faced Ginnifer Goodwin tries too hard to get men to like her. They blow her off with a “see ya around” or even a business card. Because her girlfriends tell her the guy likes her she takes this information and becomes a stalker, calling, and frequenting places she last saw the man. Ironically, the bartender at the local watering hole tries to explain to her if a man doesn’t call you, then he’s not interested. She’s not a believer.

Another girl friend tells her, she needs to be pro-active and call him.  She listens to the girlfriend, as opposed to the man.  Calling or bumping into guys doesn’t work because they aren’t into her.  If a man is interested in you, he will find a way to pursue you. Forget about the stories of losing your number, forgetting your name, etc. Ironically, women feel the need to pursue men taking away the man’s role in the relationship.

There are a series of lies girlfriends tell you to protect your feelings. One is not telling you when she sees your man with someone else. Of course, the flipside of this is when she sees him with his cousin, sister, or a work colleague she makes it into romantic tryst and tells everyone. The man has to do all sorts of damage control to come out of the situation clean.

The worse lie is probably you can do better than him which is told when a girlfriend wants to cheat on her decent boyfriend or husband. By lying, she feeds into her friend’s fantasy that everything will work out. Her kids will forgive her for chasing after a bad boy.  The dangerous bad boy will transform into a loving husband and stepfather. Yep, there’s also someone willing to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge too.

It is obvious these lies have bad consequences. Why do women believe them? On the basic level, the women want affirmation for behavior they understand is wrong. They want their girlfriends to urge them to take the dangerous path. If their girlfriends agree, can it be so wrong? Most of us know the right thing to do, but seek validation from others before doing it. Unfortunately, our friends don’t always give good advice. Females as a whole are social. To encourage the social dynamic, they tend to tell people what they want to hear as opposed to the truth. A good friend would tell you the truth.