Monday, April 25, 2011
The rule of thumb is when you think it is a booty call, then it is. Some women second guess themselves wonder if they are maligning their date thinking the worst of them. Here are a few hints:
1.No matter, what you talk about your date brings it back to sex. If you ask if he has any pets, he tells you he likes it doggy-style. Of course, you change the subject ignoring his innuendo.
2. He greets you with a kiss more appropriate for if he had been at sea for the last six years.
3. He helps you with your coat or chair, and manages to cop a feel in the process.
4.He tells you his ex-wife or previous girlfriend was cold in bed and he likes it hot. Do you remember ever asking about his ex in bed? Bet, you didn’t.
5. He compliments you on your toned body, suggesting that you would be very limber in bed. Suddenly that compliment got completely yucky.
6. He stares at your cleavage even when you are not wearing a revealing top. He is just waiting for his X-ray vision to kick in which is a “side benefit” from the male enhancement drug he purchased.
7. He slips off his shoes and gets frisky under the table. This is a good time to jump up and scream “rat” or “snake” either one should get the manager and get you gone.
8. He hints that there is a handy motel close by or his apartment is near. Surprise. Could he have actually planned this?
9. He starts humming, “Let’s Get Drunk and Screw.”
10. He encourages you to drink even after you told him you don’t want anything else.
Ladies, don’t take any of these signs as a compliment. Any willing female will do. If you are smart and walk out on him, he’ll start on the waitress or the hostess. Beware of the follow-up phone call where he begs for forgiveness and another chance. Read: I haven’t gotten lucky with anyone else so I am willing to try some new techniques on you.
Newly divorced women and long-time single women should recognize a booty call for what it is. As much as you want it to be some sort of offering before your altar of feminine attractiveness or a prelude to a relationship, it isn’t.
I asked a close, trusted male friend that if a woman goes to bed with a man too soon, would he drop her because she wasn’t very good in bed or would he keep seeing her if she was very good in bed. His reply shocked me. He stated emphatically that the man would always stop seeing her. His only purpose was to get her into bed once that happens the game is over. Really, I had to ask for confirmation. I always thought, as have many of you, if a woman was really good the man would stay. While he stayed a relationship would magically develop. I also believe in wishing on falling stars too.
He did qualify his statement though. Thank goodness. Otherwise, we’d have to give up on the male gender entirely. There are many thoughtful, stable men who want a long term relationship and they won’t initiate sex on the first date or for several dates thereafter, and when they do they are serious. No real problem with getting your booty call man confused with your thoughtful type.
Old boyfriends, even ex-husbands, can and will use you for a booty call. That call you get at the last minute or late at night when the guy just wants to come by your house to talk. Suggest IHOP or McDonalds for conversation, you’ll be surprised how he doesn’t want to talk anymore.
Don’t get excited because your ex called, it is more likely he is between women and you’re a sure thing. Isn’t there a reason, he’s an ex?
Then there the sympathetic ploy where something awful has happened and you’re the only person who would understand, read: sucker. Keep in mind, he has called everyone else he knows first before approaching you. He might even tell you you’re his last hope. Beware, this man knows you. He may have been scum when you were together, but he’s also scum who remembers how hot having the back of your neck kissed makes you. Don’t let him come over.
A few of you will explain that you might get back together. You might, but you’ll also break up again do you want that? You also might fall into a booty call relationship where he keeps showing up for sex and food. How do you know you’re in a booty call relationship? If the man isn’t wining and dining you, trying his best to woo you with extravagant gestures than you are probably perilously close if not in a booty relationship. It is especially telling if you never appear in public together, and I am talking about something more than Wal-mart.
Now that it’s been spelled out for you, you realized you been the victim of a booty call or you’re currently in a booty call realtionship. If you want mindless sex with someone who doesn’t care about you, feel free to continue. Keep in mind, all a man wants for a booty call is a willing female, preferably attractive, but definitely willing. If this sounds like you, drop him cold turkey. Don’t be polite. Politeness is viewed as a weakness. Don’t worry about him sticking around because he won’t. Every now and then, he might text you between females, especially when he’s drinking. Ignore it. It means nothing.
Now, you’re ready to consider what you really want. Don’t sigh over old hookups or booty calls, they never turn into worthwhile relationships. What would you have really? A man who was always trying to score with every female he encountered. Please, every woman deserves better than that.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Dating and the Fear Factor
Fear is our biggest stumbling block from having the life we truly want. It always has been and continues to be so. Think back to when your children were young or even when you were a child. Can you remember how fearless you were? Do you remember when you stopped being fearless? Do you remember what you wanted to be? I wanted to be Superman. I jumped out of the window of my second floor bedroom and flew straight down to the ground. I made a few other attempts at flying and did not even get a scratch for my efforts. I stopped trying to fly not because I actually got hurt, but because of fear that I might get hurt, which my mother reinforced. Fear we might get hurt holds us back more than actually getting hurt.
When I was little, I fell off horses about 50% of the time when I attempted to ride. Most of our horses were green broke and didn’t want to be rode. Bucked off might be a more appropriate description. My father made me get back on the horse every time immediately. I couldn’t stop and lick my wounds. I climbed back onto the horse each time. To this day, I am not fearful of riding a horse. There are millions of people who have never ridden a horse or fallen off one and yet they are fearful of the experience. So much so that they will not even get near a horse. Their fear is imaginary, but that doesn’t make it feel any less real. Often we rehearse our fear making it stronger. Who wants to do what they fear?
Almost thirty-four weeks ago, I decided to date intelligently and blog about it. Was I fearful about it? It was incredibly fearful (about both the dating and blogging) and turns out I had a good reason too. Since I am twice divorced, and have a handful of failed relationships to boot, I have experience to justify my fear. First, dating intelligently sounds like an oxymoron. The decision to use my academic background to research dating seemed odd at best, but I did learn--a great deal. Sometimes, I wish I could have learned it sooner.
My first shock came when married female “friends” attacked me for going public about dating. They ridiculed me behind my back and to my face, often doubting that I had even gone out on the dates. They emailed each other about each blog, knowing that I was on the same email loop. I had plenty of fears starting out, but this was never one. I figured my conservative mother would go ballistic whenever she got a whiff that I was putting such personal things online for the public to read. It just wouldn’t be seemly…whatever that means.
Every time I took a chance and met someone new, I was petrified that this total stranger would find me lacking somehow. (This is the place where most women find themselves. This is the reason they don’t date because the fear of being labeled unacceptable.) Through dating, I discovered facets of myself I didn’t know existed. Suddenly I saw myself through others’ eyes and found out I was both fascinating and mysterious. The same anxiety about being unattractive or boring was in almost every man I ever went out with, except for the few who knew they were perfect. I just didn’t have the good sense to appreciate their perfection. LOL
Dating is hard, especially the first date. You have two individuals who often are so anxious their words don’t even make sense when they try to hold a normal conversation. Sometimes saying the very thing they’d been warned against saying. Confessing they’re bad with women or haven’t been out in years. The worst first date conversational tidbit a man dropped on me was that his ex-wife left him for another woman. I’m not even sure why he told me that; perhaps he figured it would come up sometime and wanted to get it out of the way. Maybe he feared I would find out later and stop seeing him. I never saw him again so I have to wonder if it wasn’t a legitimate fear. Most of our fears aren’t legitimate.
A book I started reading recently called Life Unlocked by Srinivasan S. Pillay, MD, explains about how most of our motivations are from fear. We often think we act intelligently, but usually we act out of fear. We rationalize our fears to make them sound like the right thing to do. A few of us have failed marriages to our names and can now see we married because we were afraid of being alone. Simply put we acted out of fear, not because of some grand passion. Once trapped in a bad marriage, many do not leave because of the same fear of being alone.
Dr. Pillay explains in his book that often we fear change and being wildly successful because we wouldn’t know how to act. It would upset the world we know. We hear stories all the time to confirm our belief that being fortunate or lucky is not a good thing. People who win lotteries are often broke in less than two years because they attempt to live like millionaires on crack. Sometimes we are simply accustomed to our fear and a not so wonderful life. We never hear about people who wisely managed their winnings. No one is interested in those types of stories because they don’t confirm our fears.
I remember two things my grandmother told me about working with fear. Imagine the worst thing that could happen and develop a plan to deal with it. The worst thing never happened after I developed a plan to deal with it. The second thing she told me was do the thing you fear. As the youngest child of the youngest child, I was seldom alone and babied as the last grandchild. The thing I feared the most was being on my own. I approached that fear at the grand age of twenty-four, when I inadvertently traveled
alone. My companion and I disagreed and suddenly I was alone with five more
weeks to fill. Each day, I would decide which country I was going to, where I
would stay, where I would eat. In doing this I had many adventures, some
downright scary, but I survived. I faced my fears and came back home a stronger
Facing your fears is the way to go. Know them. Is there a reason for them? Defuse them as if they were a bomb. Make a plan for handling them. Finally conquer them. Remember you miss 100% of the shots you never take. I have no fears about dating now. I’ve gone out enough to know how to make a date feel good and enjoy the date. Now, I’m ready to take on relationship fears I think…that’s a completely different subset of fears.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
How Do You Know is the name of a movie starring Reese Witherspoon. Reese’s character struggles with romantic relationships and in turn falls in with a professional baseball player played by Owen Wilson. What’s not to like? Gorgeous guy, who showers her with gifts all the while he doesn’t quite get her. Into her world walks a lovable ordinary guy played by Paul Rudd. Of course, Mr. Ordinary has lost his job, probably his career and faces the possibility of going to prison making him an absolute babe magnet. I think you all know where this is going. Mr. Ordinary gets the girl because he “gets” her.
I have been faithful to my mantra: I date for fun, not to find the one. When do things change and how do you know they changed? Dr. Terri Orbuch’s, social psychologist, latest findings do show that men really are more romantic than women. They fall faster for their mates. In fact, most of the courtship is spent by the man trying to win the woman over as opposed to the woman trapping the man. It makes me look at things in a whole different way.
It is actually very common for middle-aged men to suggest an exclusive relationship or even propose early in a relationship. I thought it had to do with they thought there was a shortage of appropriate women, but now I realize maybe men can make up their minds a lot quicker than women about every aspect of dating. I once hesitated dating a man because we belonged to different political parties. I’m sure that thought never crossed his mind once. We did go out and politics were never mentioned.
Women can be cautious about dating. We want to know the man’s entire dating history and summaries of previous marriages which is usually solicited on the first date. Ugh, does any man stand a chance with that attitude. So I decided to date for fun, not worry about a man’s past or his future prospects. This isn’t as easy as it sounds. We’re talking about denying years of training. Ultimately, I would like to be in an exclusive relationship even if it doesn’t last my lifetime. So it is hard not to analyze every action for hidden meanings.
Instead I wonder how will I know? I will be honest and say I am being wined and dined by my choice of the upward geek demographic. They are amazingly creative in their efforts to impress me. One day I am blown away by one of my beaus, but the next day a different one does something amazingly sweet. My attention and affection switches to whatever one I’m with and all three of them are great guys. Then something unusual happened.
When I check my email or texts, I scroll down looking for a message from one particular guy. When I see it , my heart leaps, I read it, smile, read it again, and finally save it so I can read it again. It is no secret to any of the men that I am dating other men. In turn, I expect them to date other women. I want them to date other women, really. I know that sounds weird. I think it keeps them from becoming too serious too soon, except for this one fellow.
He really doesn’t need to date other women because they won’t treat him right or maybe they will and I’m afraid of that too. Oddly, if I admit it to myself I am becoming possessive over a man I am not even in an exclusive relationship with. I wonder if I were a man if I would have declared myself by now, but I haven’t. Then there is the question if the man feels more at ease around me because there are no strings. Ah, men, relationships, there are always complications. What to do? The more conflicted I seem to be the more men ask me out. It makes no sense whatsoever.
Instead, I’m starting to refuse men I would normally love to date. My attitude has changed from I rather be at spinning class if not with him. As for his attitude toward me, he let me know early on that I was the only woman he was pursuing. Most of you wonder why do I hesitate? Why don’t I just say what we both suspect?
Fear. I’ve been wrong before. I paid the price in both tears and years. Not looking forward to that scenario again. So I push decision making to the back of my mind while I allow another hopeful man to do his best to impress me while trying not to think of who I’d rather be with. What I am trying to do is give “us” time. Too many people rush into relationships even marriage without knowing one another.
A number of articles recommend waiting at least a year before deciding to date each other exclusively. We joke about the world ending in 2012 and maybe we should keep that in mind. It’s only been three months, I have another nine to go. I’m not sure if I have nine months in me. It is amazing the difference it makes when someone “gets” you. I have been so fortunate to date upbeat, intelligent men who are quick with a compliment or a car door, but they seldom know who I am. All they know is I’m pleasant, often witty, can dress and putt reasonably well. Sometimes I wonder if that is all they want to know.
I think the question has changed from how do you know to what do you do when you know. I’d love to hear your answers.
Monday, April 11, 2011
The Dating Games
Women take the majority of the blame for playing games. I see many male online profiles that claim they don’t want women who play games. I am always puzzled what games they are talking about. I have a feeling it isn’t Monopoly or Scrabble. What I really want to know is: which are the games men dislike so much? So I asked, reasonably discreetly.
A wealth of information came from asking about bad first dates, dates and relationships in general. A guy can figure out his date isn’t interested in him, but more interested being seen on a date when he sees that her head keeps swiveling. The kicker is when an enraged boyfriend or husband shows up to threaten bodily harm. The man figures he gets off easy if the angry boyfriend just drags the game-playing woman home. This is the jealousy game and any sucker will do. Don’t make the mistake thinking that guys don’t indulge in this game too. They do.
If your new honey keeps taking you out of way places, insists he doesn’t like to date in the city because of too many work related acquaintances, or he prefers to dine at your place, then he’s a cheater! He may be cheating on a wife, or a girlfriend, or maybe both.
The second game is a variation on a common theme of buying affection. The date might suggest pricey restaurants or theatre shows she might want to see. If a man didn’t spend enough money on a date the woman might act miffed or even complain about what was spent. This type of date would be offended if her date used a gift certificate to pay. After all, how can she measure her date’s financial output if he cheats and uses a gift certificate? If the relationship progresses, the woman will suggest expensive gifts or trips she would like. This same woman would have no problem refusing to see a man who didn’t throw around enough money to suit her.
A co-worker plays a condensed version of this game. She calls it “I want to go out to eat and I’m too poor.” As a beautiful woman, she has several men dangling after her. She calls one and suggests she'd like to go out tonight. The excited man willingly agrees. The problem with this (she explains to me) is the man thinks it is a date since he pays. When I point out it is a date, she jokes she would never consider him as boyfriend material in a million years, but he will serve as a meal ticket. She makes sure not to call the same guy for a couple of weeks so he won’t assume they’re dating. I'm willing to bet good money that he thinks they are.
The third game women play is a common one. A woman will trade sex for hopefully love and a committed relationship. The woman who offers sex early on usually has the opportunity of watching a man walk out of the door or suggesting the position of friend with benefits. Sometimes the women will assume the position of friend with benefits without even realizing it. Men will usually take what is offered, but do not feel the same bond as the female. In fact, many men will resent women who try to manipulate them with sex…even though it does take two to tango. Unfortunately, this type of game playing doesn’t result in an exclusive relationship. It is a hookup. According to October edition of Cosmo, less than 5% of hookups end in a committed relationship.
The fourth game is a variation on the sex for love game. In this one, the woman is constantly promising sex by word, actions and clothing, but never delivers. This woman is a tease. She sends mixed messages and strings a man along with the possibility of having sex. It is a possibility that never materializes. This aggravates the average man, but it usually takes him at least seven plus dates to figure out he’s being played. He usually excuses his date’s hands off policy to being old fashioned until he finds out she wasn’t so standoffish with other men. A played man may be suspicious of all women for a while.
The fifth game is a common one both men and women are guilty of playing. I call it the filler date. This is someone you date until someone better comes along. In truth, we are all a little guilty of this until we find that special one. The filler date is forgotten when a more promising prospect comes along. The hopeful date stays at home waiting for a call from her beloved. Clearer communication could have avoided this scenario. If a man or woman wants to play the field, then he or she should be honest about it. This allows the other person to know where he or she stands.
The soft landing game often occurs when a woman is between relationships. She picks an accommodating man who for some bizarre reason wants to fulfill her every wish. He mistakenly thinks he has a prize. While he meets her financial and physical needs, she decides what her next step will be…and it definitely won’t be with him. Often these women will move in with the man creating the illusion that there is a relationship. Once she moves in she isn’t as loving as she used to be since she now has what she wanted, a soft landing spot between relationships. Women who are not in the habit of standing on their own feet, but simply drift through life using men, usually play this game.
Then there is the Drama Queen. Most of us went to high school with her. Everything has to be about her all the time 24/7. The drama queen is high maintenance with a capital M. This woman appears to be more sophisticated and colorful than ordinary women. The attention must always be on her, thus the drama. Often she’ll pick public fights to draw attention to herself. In turn, she’ll be rude to service people for the same reason. Because she believes the world revolves around her she is often in a snit when others don’t realize this. The queen never thinks of her man because all her time and energy is on her. She may also have children and this is where the soft landing guy comes in big time because he gets to take care of the children. Children tend to eat up a great deal of time that could be spent on meeting her wants. Often she will use her children to get what she wants while the man thinks he is helping the kids. Intelligent men drop the drama queen immediately, but less secure men hang on until they are old news.
It is no wonder men specify they don’t want women who play games. When you’re in a relationship, you don’t recognize the games until you’re just about ready to exit or have exited the relationship. Occasionally, you have friends who insist you're an enabler, but you manage to rationalize why you aren’t. As for the game players, a man stating he doesn’t want to play games doesn’t scare them off. Instead, the man that inadvertently reveals he's been in a game before will end up in the game again. It is the equivalent of waving a steak in front of a dog.
One dating book I read revealed when we show our fears to a potential date or even relationship wounds, we endanger ourselves. A man who confesses several women have used him financially signals to his date that she can shake him down for money. A woman who complains that her last two boyfriends cheated on her suggests she will tolerate cheating. (This is one reason not to share past relationships info early on, if at all.) We all like to think a good person wouldn’t treat us like that, but often you never know if your date is a good person or not. In the beginning, they are who you think they are…and sometimes they are a game player even if you don’t think they are. Good game players never show their hand.
Keep in mind, men expect you to be a game player even when you aren't. Innocent remarks often sound gamey even when they aren't. Be clear; explain if you think he's unsure. You would appreciate it if he did the same for you. Men can be guilty of playing the same games as women.
Update: It is obvious I received most of my games from men who’d been played. The two types of games played by men in my experience was where you tended to take on the role of a combination of secretary and mother; handling everything from cooking dinner to social engagements. Many women would think this is being traditional. It’s not. My deceased aunt who was in her late eighties expected her husband to help with the housework, child rearing, even cooking. There’s nothing traditional about being used.
Another game is a bit of the friends with benefits game where you never seem to do anything interesting or go anywhere nice. The man is saving his best efforts for someone he believes his worthy while you manage on pizzas and video rentals.
Third game is the vanishing boyfriend who is afraid of commitment; he tends to disappear after three dates. He returns in a couple of months with excuses. Don’t buy into them. Either he is phobic about looking like he cares or that another woman caught his eye when he left you high and dry.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Your Past Can Destroy Your Future
Have you had some bad dates, failed relationships, and even disappointing marriages? Then you have a past and it may be hurting your future prospects. It isn’t entirely like my mother’s chant about being a three-time loser because you failed before, but it does have a lot to do with the fact you failed. We take our histories of abusive spouses, conniving boyfriends and stalker-ish acquaintances with us on every date. That’s right. We carry the baggage in and here are the results:
“All women use men,” states my date. He lists in detail about how women have used him. I know I’m not a user, but I can tell by his bitter attitude he already believes I am. I will only disappoint him somehow so it isn’t even worth trying to convince him otherwise. Women do this too and wonder why there is no second date.
The history buff—this date somehow relates everything he’s done in his adult life back to a woman he dated or was in a relationship with. Simple questions about concerts he’s been to or music he likes involves recitation of concerts he’s been to with other women in the exact same place you are sitting at the time. This pushes the ick factor to the nth degree. If a woman did this, we would probably say she was insecure trying to show her date she was loved before. When a guy does this, several times, it is thoughtless and you do wonder what point he is trying to make. Hey, I dated people, but somehow I manage not to bring them into every conversation.
Your past can get in the way of your future if you let it and plenty of people let it. Think of your worst fears. For some women it is the fear of a man leaving them because it has happened before. This fear is placed before the potential boyfriend like a golden fleece. If he fails to answer the leading questions appropriately then he fails to earn the next date. Too bad he didn’t get a study guide.
Many times when we leave a bad relationship, we tend to think everything about the previous man was flawed, which isn’t true. I refused to date men I thought looked like my ex-husband, and it even extended to his hobbies. Since he was an avid marathoner and bicyclist, just the mention of running had me jogging the opposite way. This sudden aversion to all things that had gone on before did not serve me well. I am an active person and I was passing on active men, too afraid they would be like my ex-husband.
Sometimes instead of the bad boyfriend syndrome, you may be packing around the old flame memory. Your first or first serious boyfriend, the great one that got away, tends to hang in the back of your mind. He is more special because he was your first; from slow dance to kiss to so many other things. Your memories may not be entirely accurate. Time tends to let us don the rose-colored glasses. At the age of forty, more women are searching for old classmates in hopes of finding their long lost love. Hearts are warmed by tales of young lovers separated and reunited again years later, but that isn’t the usual tale. Women anxious to meet up with their high school sweetheart are often shocked when he’s bald, overweight and not exactly charming. What happened to that wonderful man in their minds?
He was in their minds. All those wonderful qualities he was endowed with…he may not have ever had. This was brought home to me about my high school sweetheart that I thought was a wonderful guy. We dated off and on for seven years. Everyone thought we’d eventually marry. I urged him to move to another state to take advantage of graphic art opportunities…and then I never heard from him again, not even a letter, despite the fact I wrote. It made me rethink that the guy I’d been using to measure other guys against didn’t really exist.
Often we can joke about being attracted to the wrong kind of men, but if we can’t figure out why we cozy up to mama’s boys or tolerate a man who is a workaholic then we are doomed to repeat our mistakes. There is nothing sadder than seeing a friend engaged in yet another abusive relationship. We have to do the work to get out of the cycle. Sometimes the work can be done on your own with a couple of blunt friends and a journal, but other times a therapist is needed. Beware jumping into dating before you understand why you do what you do.
Then there is the self-fulfilling prophecy. If I don’t say it, even think it, my mother will remind me of all the previous bad relationships I’ve endured. Her unsubtle message is you’ve screwed up before so why even bother. Unfortunately, many women enter relationships with this type of pronouncement hanging over their heads. They figure sometime somehow they will mess up the relationship. The tension is palatable. Often they will sabotage the budding relationship just to get it over with before it hurts too much.
What you can do is start fresh. Don’t compare your date to anyone in your past. Let him be himself. Do enjoy YOUR time together. Do not waste precious time by inserting talk about past relationships. Those relationships are over. If they were so good, you’d still be in them. Why allow them to screw up an opportunity at future happiness.
I guess it all comes down to checking your luggage at the door. Really, leave it there. Don’t go back for it. You don’t need it to go forward in love. In fact, it may keep you from getting through the door in the first place.
Update: I will admit I’ve caught myself more than once picking up old baggage. Often checking your baggage is an everyday thing
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
It’s Friday evening and I am shoulder deep into a hot bath as Elton John sings about a candle in the wind. I know he is talking about Marilyn Monroe. The blond beauty fascinated me as a teen and I devoured as many biographies about the sex symbol as I could lay my hands on. One written by her housekeeper entitled Marilyn Monroe: Confidential especially caught my attention because it explained her actions as an endless pursuit of love.
Marilyn dated and married famous men because she thought they would bring her that most desired gift: love. Most of her husbands and lovers viewed her more as an exotic flower they might collect. Her most well-known husband, Joe DiMaggio, was so intensely jealous of any man who even looked at Marilyn that he eventually drove her away. Her biography listed one heartache after another. The woman who epitomized beauty and physical love couldn’t actually hold onto love. She commented to her housekeeper that men loved her screen image, not who she was. All she really wanted was someone who could love her, Norma Jean…not Marilyn Monroe.
Marilyn’s desire to be loved for who she really was could be many women’s plea. Love who I am; not who you think I am. Princess Diana, whom Elton John modified the Candle song for experienced her own brush with elusive love. Diana actually married a prince, but they did not live happily ever after. Even though she professed to love her prince in the beginning, things didn’t work out. The question was did she fall for a princely image or did the prince propose to a woman he felt he could mold into his princess? Before she died, she stated she was in a love relationship, which shows even princesses are constantly looking for love, and like the rest of us, not always finding it immediately.
In fact, more than 50% married or committed couples feel like they aren’t in a love relationship. Divorce statistics prove that there are many differences of opinions of what constitute love after the 'I do’s.' The real question is what does love look like?
According to Dave Ramsey, the founder of Financial Peace University, love can be expressed to a woman via financial stability. Women are nesters and they appreciate the ability to keep the nest and occasionally re-feather it. Many men don’t understand this since they are hunters. Instead of nesting, they travel, leave stable jobs, and drag the wife and children along on the next great adventure. These women may not feel the love because they are constantly working to keep their home base intact. It is understandable that women who are forced to constantly abandon friends and family may not feel like they’ve captured love since they’re so off balanced
However, many men do understand stability. These same men work hard and maintain the family home. They show their love with actions, and yet their wives may still leave stating that he wasn’t loving or romantic enough. Their love language was different. He kept busy doing actions for his wife to say, “I love you” while she wanted long walks while holding hands. Author Gary Chapman explains the five types of love language on his website: http://www.5lovelanguages.com. On the website, there is a quiz to discover your love language and the love language of your sweetie.