Sunday, September 25, 2011
We all know what we don’t want to have our guys to say to us. We don’t want to hear about how hot some actress is. Maybe he goes on and on about what a great cook his mom is, he offers this tidbit during dinner. If you’re real lucky, he might ask when you’re getting ready after you spent an hour and half doing just that. Better yet, he might suggest how you would benefit from getting in shape. These are all no brainers—as far as what to not say to a woman, even though some men still do. Then, here’s the question, what do men not want to hear.
First, no references to your ex, especially when they involve telling about something your ex could do and he can’t. Avoid mentioning your ex altogether if possible. It might save you some embarrassing moments when you accidentally call your new man by your old man’s name, which shouldn’t be too surprising when your ex’s name is always in your mouth.
If glorifying the abilities of your ex, who might have been a great mechanic or a good money manager was bad; bringing dear old dad in the picture is equally loathsome. Every woman loves her father and thinks he’s a great guy. No man wants to be compared to a woman’s father. There is no way he can win. If he reacts to not being just like dad, then he’s insulted her father. It is a comparison where he’ll come up lacking. Who needs that? Generations change too. Maybe your father could fix a lawnmower, but your sweetie can design a website…there’s no real parallel. Don’t try to make one.
Comparing your man with your ex or your father is really just another way to call him a doofus. No man wants to ridiculed by the woman who is supposed to love him more than life itself. Attacking a man’s intelligence is bad enough, but beware of attacking his physical side too. Any comments about a receding hairline is the equivalent to pointing out your jiggling thighs. Yes, we’re both aware that they are there, no need to draw attention to either one.
If all these remarks aren’t bad enough in themselves, airing them in public is the epitome of bad female behavior. I’ve heard women joke about their men’s lack of social graces, intelligence and bedroom skills in large groups while the man was present. It doesn’t mean you should do it when the man isn’t present either. It is a horrible show of disrespect. How would you feel if he did the same to you?
Some women even complain about the gifts their sweeties buy them. They sometimes engage in verbal one-upmanship on stupid gifts their men bought. I recently read an article where the woman was so upset with her husband because he bought them matching bikes for Christmas so they could ride together. Her upset was that he listened to her comment that it would be nice to ride bikes together as opposed to upholding her status as a dedicated runner and buying a gift to reflect that. She eventually just gave her bike away. Men struggle to buy gifts and often their reward is a hostile reaction to the gift. That’s right you have to be nice about the gift, consider the sentiment as opposed to the actual gift. If you want any gifts in the future you may need to check your initial revulsion at the Ronco Chopomatic.
Men are a lot like women in the fact that they have feelings. They often feel insecure even if they appear confident. They are just as vain about their appearance as women. And they want to be loved for who they are as opposed to what they can do.
Probably one of the worse things to tell a man is that he isn’t enough. He is who he is…that’s really not negotiable. Often, men are told they aren’t fit enough, smart enough, rich enough before the woman walks out the door. Good riddance you think the man would say, but instead he obsesses on what he isn’t thinking the woman must be right and that’s why he’s alone. He doesn’t think it has anything to do with him being despondent and retreating to his home.
Back on the playground, we used to chant, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” We also used to sing about sipping cider resulting in forty-nine kids. I’ve gotten a little smarter since then and I hope my words reflect that, especially when I am talking to or about my man. How about you?
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Most women want their suitors to pop the question since it literally seals the deal in salesman’s term. There are a few things to consider before asking for the commitment. The deal you are considering might not be the deal he is offering. You need to determine your motivations too.
We women tend to want to nail a man down fast. Some of us can remember the Andy Griffith show where both Andy and Barney dated their girlfriends for over eleven years. Sounds like a man’s dream, no responsibility for a family and some female affection when he wants it, preferably on the weekends. The only problem with this is the woman and her dreams.
By date two, she may be guilty of imagining them as a pair. Some women do this at the end of date one, even others somehow do this without the guy even asking them out. We are a society that values a couple over a single person. Ask any newly divorced person how much of a nosedive her social life took when she became half of a pair. Of course, everyone imagines the single again person would be a spouse-stealing threat if invited to a party. The sad, very lonely person stays home and considers her chances of being part of a couple. SO much so, that a plan is devised that may include diet, hair color change, or even Lasik surgery. The goal is to be united once more…with someone.
Ladies, and my few male readers, did you notice the goal was to be part of a couple. That was the end goal. Many people afraid of dying alone will set up being married as their ultimate goal. How soon they forget being married to the wrong person was often a form of purgatory, and sometimes hell on Earth. In their lemming-ish rush to matrimony, some women will go so far as to quiz men on first dates if they want to get married. If the man answers “no,” then they need to move on to a more likely prospect. Really?
If a man answers “yes” to such an outlandish question the woman needs to run like crazy. This shows a lack of thought and an impulsiveness that doesn’t bode well for a long term relationship. It also shows man as desperate and needy as the woman ready to marry anyone who shows similar interest . That never works out. Consider it this way, if you walked through a room of people asking who would like to go out and get Chinese with you. You’d find an interested party and you’d head out to the restaurant for dinner. You both get what you want…Chinese food, but over dinner you discover that you just don’t mesh. You may even find out you detest the person. The good news it was only Chinese food and you never have to see that person again. Not so, when either you agreed to marry someone you don’t know, or convince an acquaintance to marry you.
I know my sweetie, you’ll whine, we’re together all the time. Marriage changes everything. Both men and women will be on the good behavior or whatever behavior you want until the ring is on your finger. Face it, you do it too. Dating behavior is different than relationship behavior, and often married behavior is even more unique than what happened leading up to the event. The longer you date the more you get to know the person, but I’m only talking about a year before asking for the commitment. I heard of one couple who dated for twenty-seven years before marrying. Can’t say what their motivation was, but one partner definitely didn’t want to get married.
Most of you can tell tales of friends who lived with someone for a number of years and then was dumped for another woman who the guy immediately married. Many people enter into relationships with the thought you’re good enough for now. They don’t say these words aloud, but when they meet “the one” they leave so quick there are tread marks in the driveway.
What is the difference between the live-in girlfriend and the chick he married. One thing only, the last female asked for a commitment. She probably said in so many words she wasn’t changing her entire life unless she had some guarantees. Marriage is no guarantee anymore, except maybe in divorce court. What the woman is asking for is how serious is the man about her? We sometimes mistakenly believe that a wedding ring will make a man stay with one woman. Personal choice, his, makes the man stay. Fear of losing the best thing in his life renders him monogamous.
We can usually get a man to do the deed on bended knee, but if he isn’t mentally there it will not go well. What do you really get? A man forced into a life-changing relationship by manipulation. This sets the man up for being continually manipulated in the marriage. The wife will use her manipulations skills to get her way, but will resent her malleable husband. The man doesn’t win, ever in this scenario.
Before you ask for the commitment, consider what you are really asking for. Are you tired of being a single and you just want to be a pair? Maybe you hope to nail down a good prospect with a wedding ring. So far in the relationship, he hasn’t demonstrated enough devotion and you hope marriage will do the trick. None of these are good reasons. EVEN being madly in love isn’t enough. Consider how many times do you want to endure a contentious marriage or suffer through a bitter divorce. Instead of asking him for a commitment, ask yourself if this is the person you want to wake up to the rest of your life? Is he the man you want to make love to the rest of your life? Are you committed to making his wishes paramount to yours? Will you work to make his dreams come true?
If you answered no to any of the questions, you’re not ready. Committed relationships are not about what you want, but about making the other person your focus. In a balanced relationship, your spouse will do the same for you. Really, it does work. There are a great deal of unbalanced relationships out there, probably because a person asked for a commitment from a man who was not only not ready, but was a bad match to boot. Being a pair is not the end all to happiness, often it is the beginning of misery. Think, wait, think some more, and it will happen.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
I know the title is a little harsh, but allow me to explain. Think about your last failed relationship, why did it not work? Did you feel your man never saw the real you, listened to you, or appreciated you? Maybe he cheated on you? Perhaps he was a spendaholic that had the family on the edge of bankruptcy or even in it? Maybe his head was able to spin 360,like Linda Blair’s in The Exorcist, when a vaguely attractive woman walked by.It all boils down to one thing, being stupid, and well, maybe selfish too.
I don’t mean being stupid as far as not being able to do advanced algebra—hey, that’s me. Some men, not all, like to walk around and pretend to know nothing about women so they can continue to act in their same, self-absorbed ways. There are two things wrong with this scenario. As a culture, we know what women want. They want to be listened to, courted with romantic gestures, treated like they are the most special thing in a man’s life. We dispense this message in a variety of ways, books, poems, songs, movies, even commercials. Then there are your more outspoken women, which may number in a man’s life from sisters, co-workers, girlfriends, even spouses who willing say what they want in so many words, but the men still don’t get it. What gives? If I could definitively pin this down, I would be a rich woman. Let’s look at the guy’s side too.
As women, we say we want men who will treat us well, take care of us, love us, and always be there for us. We want a combination of a lover, father, and friend when you get down to it. Many women score this right out of the gate when they pick a responsible man in college. This is the man who will insure their combined offspring will make it to college, but they aren’t satisfied because they want a flashier model. Someone who’ll rev the engine of his Harley as a signal for her to jump on for a wild ride. The decent men battle all the time being put aside for bad boys. These same women try to get their responsible men to take them back after their walk on the wild side, but most are too smart. What causes this incredibly stupid behavior?
Even though we knew we shouldn’t have done it my sweetie and I shared details of our relationships gone bad. My details of being taken for granted by my ex or taking care of an overgrown boy paled to his tales of being left by various women for a local bad boy who appeared on the scene. How could any thinking woman leave this darling man mystifies me. Notice the emphasis on thinking. He’s very attentive, attractive, and supportive in all ways. What gives?
He explained that in hindsight he met women who only wanted what they wanted and they never participated in activities he might like to do. They didn’t even watch television shows he wanted to watch. He suffered through both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. The list continued including only going to restaurants the women liked. The theme here is he was only allowed to do whatever the women wanted to do because he didn’t even enter into the equation in their minds. I know most of you are thinking he went along with this? True. I’ve been there and done that too. In the end, since his feelings and needs never mattered it was fairly easy for the women to walk away. What do you call it when all you do is take advantage of someone, then leave with someone new? I wouldn’t call it love.
This happens all the time in the United States. I mention the United States because we do have the highest rate of divorce than all the other countries. We are more than double Canada our nearest neighbor, and probably the most like us. We are the way we are because we as a society are self-absorbed individuals. We want what we want when we want it and take it if at all possible. This explains why people walk out of relationships all the time when a hot bod walks by. They don’t think, but respond to an impulse.
Throughout our lives we may have twinges of attraction for different people for various reasons. Maybe it’s your doctor, or your helpful butcher, or even your son’s college roommate. We don’t act on them if we’re smart because we’ve weighed the consequences as soon as we’ve felt the tug of attraction. Of course there is a big difference between casually meeting people in everyday life and actively looking for people. The man or woman who admits to their mate that they fallen for someone at work, didn’t actually fall. They worked to get there by setting up encounters, buying new clothes, even going out for private lunches so they could talk. Sounds different than their eyes meeting across a conference table and they knew they were destined to be together. Ironically, the old mate may have financially sponsored this budding relationship.
People just don’t approach you UNLESS you give out signals that you are approachable. When someone gives you an interested look, you look away to signal your disinterest. People who FALL into relationships while already in one do not look away. Instead, they stand still, smile, even approach the other interested person. They want what they want, which at the time might be one more person.
We’ve established the basic American is selfish. He or she hears via the media to grab all the gusto they can get from life, to indulge themselves, and that it is about them. It’s all about their wants. This type of thinking greatly appeals to people, but never addresses long-term consequences, which also explains the obesity epidemic in our country. The man or woman who treats their mate shabbily eventually leaving them for a newer, flashier model is not a long-term thinker.
Men going through mid-life crisis will often hook up with a twenty-something female who might admire his bank account, his car, or even his nicely weathered features. What the man fails to realize is that his newest possession is counting the days until she can dump his mature carcass. Women on the other hand often abandon good men for a chance to be a skank for a week or two with a known bad boy. This type of behavior gives all women a bad name.
So in retrospect, why are stupid people destroying relationships? It is because they are self-absorbed and short sighted. It is almost like they are in a relationship with themselves and this other person is only in a supportive role. They are short sighted in the fact that they leave the only person who will probably put up with their dysfunctional form of a relationship. I think these people should have warning labels stamped on their foreheads.
Please don’t give me any crap about a bad childhood that caused them to be the way they are. I saw a cartoon once that joked, “Who hasn’t had a dysfunctional childhood?” They all shared the basic talent of behaving well until they got their target hooked. Isn’t it amazing they forgot this same basic behavior once they settled into the relationship? As adults who want adult relationships, we need to act like thinking adults as opposed to spoiled brats. Maybe then, we can bring the divorce rate down. Ironically, the highest rate of divorce is in Florida, where the elderly divorce each other in droves convinced that their fantasy man or women is right around the corner… in the nearest retirement village. Some people never grow up.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Ever wonder what are the chances of meeting that one perfect person? I decided to go to www.ask.com to see if they had the odds. They had a few. Not at all the answers were satisfactory. One was 0% considering all the billions of people living in the world. Another one felt you had a chance at 1 in 6,692,030,277. Another source pointed out that you would only meet them once so you had to work the moment, so be ready to jump on it. Still another person commented that you may have many possible soul mates, but obviously one may be a better fit than the other six. The last answer I thought was the most realistic. As you age your chances of meeting your soul mate diminishes as the pool gets smaller due to marriage, death or general cynicism.
How do you meet your soul mate would probably be the next step if you believed he or she is out there. Take risks. Simple as that. Do things you’ve always wanted to do, but maybe were holding back because you didn’t have anyone to do them with. If nothing else you’ll have the experience, but it should also lessen the anxiety about looking. No one feels comfortable with a desperate Donna.
The other day I was reminiscing with my soul mate about all the things we did wrong in our dating relationship. And we did plenty. Both of us thought we were showing the other that we very interested, but neither of us received that message which made us doubtful about developing a relationship. If I were quick to react as many women are, I would not be in the most wonderful relationship of my life. It paid off being slow for a change.
We want what we want when we want it. Let’s face it by this stage in our lives we feel like we should be with our forever love. We’re willing to give fate a jumpstart by kicking things into gear abruptly. My sweetie had women who would quiz him on the first date about having children or getting married. They knew their clock was ticking and they didn’t want to waste time going out with men a half dozen times to find out it wouldn’t work. In turn, they probably scared off every man they ever met; men who if treated properly may have fallen for them. Ladies, men do not want to be told what to do, especially on the first date.
Waiting while being active is your preferred course of action while you’re in the soul mate search mode. What does that mean you’re thinking? Have a life, have fun, be available. First, know what you want. Be specific and realistic, if you’re not you’ll find yourself in relationships with men who are not good fits, but really wanted to be in a relationship. I made a list of qualities I wanted and I didn’t hold back. My original list is over 30 items long, which I felt was excessive so I didn’t reveal them all in the blog. My sweetie also made up a list, but he kept his down to ten items. Did we find what we were looking for in each other? Absolutely, but we didn’t find it all at first. We had to get to know each other to discover some of the characteristics.
One of the things he wanted was a woman actively living her life. She wasn’t looking for a man to sweep in and take care of her. Someone who put everything on hold until some man made her dreams come true. He had that before and wasn’t going there again. I think I on the other hand had the man that tried to control my life and told me what all my dreams were going to be.
A soul mate should be able to take care of himself. Ladies, I’ve warned you before about the helpless man who needs you to help him make it through the day. At first this makes you feel important, but after a while you realize you have an overgrown child who is never going to mature. Who needs that? Some men are like that, they enjoy being guided around by a dominant female who calls all the shots. Do you truly want this?
Be very open to new types of people. Most of us fear getting old and living alone. My sweetie who is a runner told me he used to run along a well-traveled path and see old men walking it, looking desperately sad and lonely. His greatest fear was that he would turn into one of those lonely, old men. My fear, as I revealed before, was becoming an eccentric cat woman, without the cats. When you feel like you’ve exhausted the normal routes, be open to someone different.
Often we are very narrow in our accepted form of our soul mate. He must look a certain way to be right for me. I used to not date bald guys. I felt bald guys were more like tough guys and I didn’t want that. Snap judgment and I was wrong. A good friend met her husband online, but initially thought there was no way the two of them could become one. He was so different from her and her ideal of what her mate should be. Luckily, she glimpsed his soul and managed to get past her initial objections to his form to fall for his content.
We are a visual society because of this we judge people on their looks. Make sure you aren’t missing out on someone wonderful because you’re only seeing their form. We women are too often judged on our form and we resent it. Statistics reveal that though men pursue gorgeous women, they only want them for one-night stands. The women they choose to marry are more on the average line. Keep this in mind when you are looking for your soul mate. There is someone out there who is looking for you too.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
The Dirt On Men
Real questions with real men answers
Okay ladies, I have some burning questions that some of you want to know the answers. I have bona fide male answers from intelligent men. Maybe your man won’t always match up, but the answers shocked me.
1. Does a man know when a woman is interested in him?
Sometimes, but usually not, men aren’t great ones to pick up on nuances like a woman. If a man isn’t the confident bad boy who thinks every woman is after him, he may mistake your eye contact, cheery hellos for just being friendly nothing more. Sometimes you just have to be more upfront, ask him out for coffee. Even then, he still might not get it especially if he’s an engineer.
2. Do men go out with women for the sole purpose of having sex?
Some do and you should recognize them immediately. Despite all the movies, most men will not jump in bed with a woman because they have fears too. Yes, men worry about their bodies and performance. Most men realize if they sleep with a woman, she does think it automatically means a relationship. Remember men can and do have sex with women they do not like and never want to see again. They do it for one simple reason; the woman is offering.
3. Do men only date women they can see themselves having sex or a relationship with?
Men are not your gay best friend. They do not want to hang with you. A man will date a woman a couple of times to get a feel for her. If there is a third date it is more of a deciding date that he does want to pursue a relationship with you. That’s why men get mad if you stop seeing them after the third date. They feel like they picked you, but you didn’t pick them.
4. How important are looks to a guy?
This is a tricky question. Men don’t want model-thin girls. In general, men want to feel like they’re the guy and he’s out with a girl. Dress like a female, a classy one. Wear a dress, fix your hair, put on makeup-this attracts the male eye. Don’t dress like a skank. If you dress like a ho, you will be treated like a ho. Men who are looking for relationship material, want a woman who looks nice not like someone who has turnstile on her bedroom door.
5. Does a man want someone at the same education level or job level as himself?
This doesn’t matter as much to a guy as it does to a woman. Part of the reason is because a man takes care of himself. He isn’t expecting to find a woman with a good job to take care of him. Honestly, you can only endure a dim bulb for so long. Smart men should avoid women who barely managed to snag a GED.
6. How does a man feel about a woman who already has children?
This depends on the man. Some men who never had children prefer a woman with children to give them the fatherhood experience. It depends on how active your ex is in your life and what is the level of conflict. No man wants to deal with an ex the kids are constantly throwing up in his face. Most men, especially older ones, would prefer no children. Their reasoning is that they raised their children, and they definitely do not want to raise another man’s children.
7. How do men feel about sex in the relationship? When do they expect it?
Men expect sex in a relationship. Do not push sex as a way to get a man to commit it will backfire. Sex needs to wait until you know the other person well. How long this takes differs, but it isn’t the third date. Yes, men will leave after having sex with you and not because you were bad at it. That is the way some men are—they’re players. If you waited to get to know them, you’d know this. Men respect women they have to wait for because they are the prize. Think of it like food. You can go to McDonalds and get something quick anytime of the day or you can go to a fine restaurant. With the restaurant, you make reservations, you plan ahead, you anticipate going, you dress up, you savor the food, you linger, then you remember the experience later. Do you want to be McDonalds or a fine restaurant?
Men really don’t carry what you look like naked. I know women don’t believe this. Women worry that a man might focus on her big rear, all the man cares about is that she’s bringing her big rear to him. Bring enthusiasm with you into the bedroom and that’s all the man notices. A man wants a woman who is excited to be with him. Nothing kills a man’s ardor like the martyr babe who is doing it just because he wants it.
8. What does a man want in a long time partner?
Someone who supports him and is not critical of him. A woman who thinks he really is the greatest guy in the world. A man can find people to tell him how he screwed up everywhere. He even tells himself that. What he needs in a relationship is that one person who has his back. Men want an equal partner. There is a great deal to be said for the two wage earner family. Women who are looking for a rich guy to support them while they hang out with their country club friends will find the pickings slim.