Saturday, July 27, 2013

Prone to Bad Behavior

This is a collage of self-confessed celebrity sex addicts taken
from website

One of the biggest problems with relationships is cheating. Belittling the other person is probably a close 2nd. Men love the cave man theory that no man can be monogamous because it isn’t in his nature. Even with short life spans, early humans tended to stay together because they needed each other.  Most days, all they had to eat was the berries, nuts and roots the women found. Those early units may have included more than one mate, but no one knows. There is no written history, which shoots the promiscuous early man theory in the foot. What we do know is survival was difficult. A lone man wandering to various campsites to impregnate women faced possible death from starvation, weather, animal attack, other hunters, or even his possible hook-ups.  Not quite the life the cheater imagined.
 Men and women both blame their cheating ways on sexual addiction and maybe murmur that they are getting help while they continue to cheat. A small percentage of the population cheated until they died. Sometimes, it was in a duel. Others tumbled down the stairs with help, or simply divorced. Only recently did we refer to it as sex addiction. Most people accepted this was what the person wanted to do and if they could get away with it, they did.
Ironically, when portrayed as an addiction, people actually feel sorry for the individual. Anthony Weiner, former congressman, spent most of his time in Congress, sending obscene photos and texts to various women.  Obviously he was caught, but oddly he didn’t suffer too many consequences and his wife stood beside him. He now wants to run for office again and believes he will get re-elected. Maybe. Maybe not sincesexual addiction is no longer classified as a disease.
Recent medical studies show that a self-confessed sex addicts’ brains doesn’t react in the manner of true addicts. Nope, their brain is more like a non-addict’s brain. The real reason for the bad behavior is they like sex and they’ve gotten away with it.  Many people have a sense of entitlement where they deserve more than the average person. Often having multiple or new partners gives them a feeling of superiority or a momentary rush.
Of course, if it is no longer classified as a disease, then you have to wonder about all the programs aimed at curing sex addicts. Many of them probably served as great places to meet other people, willing to have sex with strangers. Are these programs little more than ways to separate people from their money? Can people stop being sex addicts or at least acting like players?
Well, if all those books put out by former players are true, they can. It isn’t something anyone else can do for him or her, or a twelve-step program.  One confessed player named Alex ridiculed all the women who wanted to reform him. They didn’t. He met a woman who refused to go out with him because of the type of person he was. He decided he didn’t want to be that person and made the effort to change. It wasn’t an overnight change. After a couple of years, the woman dated Alex and later they married.  Sometimes, people age out of the cheating. They realize it is no longer easy to pick up total strangers. The quality of their pickup suffers too.
Your typical sex addict doesn’t worry about STDs or pregnancy because it messes with his fantasy. He or she likes to believe their behavior is purely impulsive as opposed to premeditated. People seeking a casual hook-up don’t approach you at work, in the grocery, or while you’re pumping gas. You have to know where to look for these people. There are online sites for this service, but that would be indicative of planning and not a purely physical response. Women tend to accept the excuse it was just a physical thing better than planning.  They equate it with stumbling on the road of couple-hood as opposed to taking a different road, which actual planning would involve. People frequently lie to themselves in order to preserve the relationship. In truth, there is no relationship if your partner is a musical bed participant.
 Remember, what happens elsewhere does effect the real partner. Most women who initially contracted AIDS got it via their husbands. Your sweetie may have hooked up with a psychotic who can terrorize the family similar to the movie, Fatal Attraction. Let’s go back to Anthony Weiner’s loyal wife who stands beside him no matter what. The man sent racy texts and photos because he was successful at least once. Otherwise, there was no reason to do it. It is similar to your dog scouring the kitchen floor because you once dropped bacon. Do you seriously think the man is going to stop?
We modify our ways only when we have a significant need to change. Many smokers gave up smoking when ostracized from restaurants and other venues.  People quit smoking, drinking and drug use every day. They avoid situations that might cause relapses. They don’t purchase the product. Often they have to associate with new friends without the problem vices.
 Maybe you are thinking about dating a serial cheater/player. Remember his or her behavior is a decision. They do cheat because they get some positive feelings from it, no matter what they say. The bad feelings come when they are caught. If you decide to keep your cheating mate, remember you can’t make them not cheat. Your romantic partner’s behavior will have a definite impact on how you feel about yourself and life in general. You can’t fix them. They have to see their behavior as needing change. Most don’t, despite what they say. Some people are just prone to bad behavior.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

The Bossy Date

The bossy date can be male or female. Often these traits bleed through on the first date, although sometimes the potential date is able to control them to some extent. However, as you continue to date, the traits tend to make themselves apparent. How do you know if you’re on a bossy date? Does your date point out your choice of a movie or entrĂ©e is not the best, and then suggests a better one? If so, you have a bossy date.

Bossy dates can make outrageous demands. One man noticed my long hair and insisted I should always wear it down and never cut it. That type of autocratic behavior almost had me cutting my hair, but instead I decided not to see him again.

 A woman on a first date felt free to inform her date that that he would have to stay out of the sun to continue dating her.  She preferred paler men. Here she was, treating a forty-year-old man like a toddler. Why are people bossy on dates? The simple reason is they have a controlling personality. Be aware they will expect to make all the decisions in the relationship because it revolves around them.

Simple clarification here; it is common in some cultures and age groups for the man to order for both. The custom is he asks first before doing so. This is not the sign of a bossy individual. If your date is domineering than he or she wants everything to be their way.

A request to wear your hair a certain way or dress in particular clothes is part of an effort to make you over. This is not okay. You’re an adult and able to dress yourself. Do you want an authoritative date who treats you like a child? This date will soon be correcting your table manners.

I’ve heard strange excuses from women for not dating men, often concerning the man’s eating habits from eating too fast, eating one food at a time, to slurping his soup. I wonder if their complaints centered on the fact they couldn’t change the man to suit their specifications. No man likes to be treated as if they were a child. It took work to get to adulthood and one of the benefits is making your own decisions.

Another reason people behave in a bossy manner is because people are quick to do what they say. Yep, you read that right. A drop dead gorgeous woman may have a man jumping through ridiculous hoops just because she can with no intention of prolonging the relationship. Often when you date out of your league, your date has an elevated belief of his self-worth and feels no qualms about making ridiculous requests. This is how friends with benefits got started.

Then you have the spoiled date. His mother may have assured him that no woman was good enough for him. Daddy would have made sure his little princess got everything her little heart desired. Your date may have had only one relationship in her life where her ex served her as an adoring servant until he got tired of it. Then again, she may have had none, but she expects service as if in a five star hotel.

How do you deal with the bossy date? You make your decisions stick. Don’t waiver when your date shows dislike about your food or movie choice. Why did he ask you if he never intended to let you have a choice? Some people will make a big issue if you refuse their advice. Let this be a lesson to you how things are going to go with this date. He may believe his way is the only right way.

Some people enjoy a date taking charge, but there is a difference between taking charge and not letting you have any input. A man who takes charge knows your likes and plans a special evening with that in mind. Another man plans a golfing weekend in a city featuring a Three Stooges festival without consulting you because he knows you dislike both.

On a first or second date, if your date already shows signs of telling you how it is going to be, get out fast. I wish someone had given the younger me this advice. Spoiler Alert: bossy dates do not equate into good relationships.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Illness Game

Illness, talking about being sick, chronic diseases and even terminal diseases are only attractive in the movies. Will Smith’s Seven Pounds and Love and Other Drugs are excellent examples of I am dying, but I can still look fabulous and have smoking hot sex. Oh yeah, they get better too. It’s a miracle, but not real life.
My sweetie mentioned recently an over forty singles group he was in and all the women wanted to talk about was their illnesses and associated prescription drugs.  A recent survey revealed that an average woman forty and over is on between two and five prescription drugs. Technically, this is only making the pharmaceutical industry wealthy, but that’s a blog for a different column. Now, I realize these drugs take up a great deal of disposable income. Trust me; no one wants to hear about them.
Drug commercials saturate every form of media—why get an amateur advertisement from you?
1.       Men don’t want to hear about your illnesses because it is limiting. You just met a guy and you tell him you are on three different drugs that prevent you from being in the sun or too far away the bathroom. This immediately eliminates several date options.
2.       Chats about your various disorders makes you sound like a hypochondriac or their great aunt. The man has no desire to take a hypochondriac, his great aunt or you out.
3.       Talking about female related disorders will send any man running.
4.       Your illness reflects back on him. Men like to date attractive women because it makes them feel attractive. The same goes with healthy women.
5.       Men don’t want to invest in a woman who is steps away from a hospital bed. They might feel obligated to take care of you.
6.       Talking about your health is boring. In fact, describing illnesses and operations is a major reason people defriend people on Facebook.
7.       People relate everything back to themselves, which is natural. People don’t enjoy hearing about your illness unless they can chime in about their own, which becomes a competitive illness one-upmanship.
8.       Consider if you want your sickness to be your identifiable trait. Instead of Rita with the red hair, you’ll be Sandy with the Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
9.       Women who talk about their illness upon meeting an eligible fellow just displayed the content of future conversations.  They have inadvertently informed that man they will use illness for attention.

All this said there is a time you should hint around when you have a disability or an illness. A disability such as a wheelchair or crutches should be on your dating profile if only as a photo.  It is better not to go out with a person who would see this as an issue.
Most prescription drugs don’t enter into the discussion until you’ve been out at least five times. Then it is only important in the aspect if you have to have the pills to survive. It might be important if your significant other knows he can save your life with a pill, or by calling the paramedics.
If you have a chronic or terminal disease, it is important to mention this up front. It is better to not go out with someone who will drop you when he finds out you’re not long for this world.  That would be more devastating because you thought you had a relationship. Do you want that? It is sometimes better to join a group that supports your illness because you will find similar-minded people.
Women are more prone to talk about illness and drugs. Why is that? Women over forty usually received attention as a child when they were sick. Often that was the only time they receive undivided attention from their parents.  They tend to use illness as an attention-generating device. Think of the women in your work place who suffer from migraines, PMS, or Fibromyalgia.
How do women feel about men who are chatty about their illnesses or prescriptions? At first, women are polite because socialization teaches them to act as if they care. Ted Bundy, serial killer, often used a fake cast on his arm to get women to help him. It didn’t hurt that he was tall and good-looking either.
Some women enjoy being the caretaker. They will be attracted to an ill man or better yet a dying one. The idea of the attention they will receive for their martyr-ish actions motivates them. Ironically, it does not benefit them if the man gets well. Sometimes, they will go so far as to make up complications or hospital trips that never happened. This is a form of Munchausen syndrome by proxy.
The majority of women who are forty and over want a healthy man. A man who complains of his disorders and the various drugs he takes comes off as wimpy. It also makes the man appear lazy or ignorant because of his refusal to do the things that would help such as exercise and better diet as opposed to relying on a pill. His lack of accountability carries over into other areas.
I did not go on a second date with a man who spent the entire date talking about his upcoming back surgery. Even though his dating profile looked good, I knew nothing about him except he was having back surgery, he was in horrible pain, he planned to be in more pain, and the recovery would be long. He may have been shopping for a caretaker. All I knew is that I did not want a repeat episode.
Dating and meeting people is supposed to be fun. Control your medical complaints. People really don’t want to know. If they ask (and they probably won’t) be brief to keep yourself being known by your medical symptoms as opposed to your actual name.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Dating and Texting

Your texting may be the symbol of where your relationship is at and where it is going. I overheard two women discussing the gradual disintegration of one woman’s last romance. At first, she talked every night, the calls grew less frequent, he started texting her, then even the texts became shorter and were often abbreviations that never spelled out ‘I love you’. The sympathetic girl friend asked her friend when she knew the relationship was doomed.
Men, pay attention to the following sentences, because her answer is important and I will explain why in a second.  She answered without any hesitation. She knew the relationship had turned the corner when he started texting.
There are times it is ok to text, but not as many times as you think. If you are running late, you might text that you are late. Texting generally implies you don’t care enough to call. If you are crazy about a person, you want to hear her voice. You text if you are keeping her on a string with a bunch of other women. You text when you are hanging out with the guys and you don’t want to interrupt your male bonding to talk to her, even though you said you’d call. You text when you are watching your favorite television show. What all these things have in common is that you consider them more important than the actual woman. You text when you are on a date with another woman. You text when you are drunk. Trust me, she know all these reasons.
Teenagers might build a relationship on text messages, but grown  women want face time. If they can’t have face time, voice time will do. Bad things happen with texting. Your friends think it is cool to text for you. A message goes to the wrong person. A sarcastic or funny message comes off wrong. Women, unfortunately, get bad messages via text from breakups to date cancellations. Just ask Katy Perry, whose ex-husband notified her via text he wanted a divorce. Sometimes the idea of a text message has negative  connotations.
Are you serious about this woman? Want to get to know her better? Then keep the texting at a minimum. Michael Masters, author of TextAppeal -- For Guys! The Ultimate Texting Guide, states that the hotter a woman is  the less texting you should do. Unnecessary texting makes you look needy. Inappropriate texting such as in the early morning, late evening, even at work can be annoying.
You don’t get to know someone through texting. There are no social cues to let you know you’ve entered into the boring zone. You can’t really show off your clever wit or charm in a text. You may think you can, but typing ROFL doesn’t quite do it.
Text messages sometimes function as smoke screens, allowing the man to hide behind them. Some men will be guilty of using the same message over and over again on different women. Does it sound familiar like a song or poem? Then it probably is. Women don’t want perfection they just want to get to know you.
Another thing, as a woman, I absolutely hate are men who text me and actually think I know who it is. No, I was not waiting for his text. The man is so unimportant in my life that he isn’t in my caller identification yet. Don’t play cutesy game about your identity either. If you want to do this, maybe there is a thirteen-year-old girl willing to text you. Always assume the woman doesn’t know who it is.
When is it okay to text? Running late, confirming reservations, seeing if she got home safe, double checking preferences, to see if she’s free to talk. Most women won’t mind an occasional random compliment text or an ‘I love you’ text. In the end, they really want to talk to you. It doesn’t have to a long conversation. It is enough to make the effort, which will show her how much you care.
Never ever text on a date. If you have to take a call or text, excuse yourself to do so.