Friday, July 27, 2012


First date behavior might be keeping us all single or at least uncomfortable on our dates. Writer John D. Husband in his book, Single Over Thirty, notes an alien might watch all the single men and women go to various places that cater to singles, even meet up for a drink or dinner, then all return to their single homes.  The aliens wouldn’t understand why two people who so much want to be part of a couple fail repeatedly. Everyone has a story.

When asked both men and women have experienced bad first dates usually due to incredibly rude behavior from their date. Really bad first dates linger in people's mind causing them to talk about them, and usually mentioning the bad date by name. If you are that bad first date, it may be the reason no one else is asking you out or refusing your invites.

Many women, and a few men, walk into a first date believing they just might make the love connection that night, but five minutes into the date one or the other of them makes the mental decision it isn’t going to happen. Of course, where you go from there is what really counts. You could have a good dinner and conversation or you can make it into an ordeal that equals a root canal without anesthesia.

Often dates don’t look like their profile pictures or even dress appropriately for the date. Give them some slack, you may not resemble your photo either. How would you feel if someone spent the entire night talking about your photo and how you didn’t look like it. Some people choose to do that with behavior instead of words by acting bored, looking at the clock, reading texts, even yawning.  This same person makes no effort to be an interesting companion because he or she wrote you off at hello. How incredibly rude and stupid and presumptuous assuming we all live in a bubble. Don’t make the mistake of thinking rumors of your bad behavior will not reach other people or potential dates. It does because a waiter warned me off about a date after seeing how he treated previous dates at the same restaurant.

How should you act on a date? As if you want to be there. You should be courteous, on your company behavior, think of it as a trial run if you must. Remember the other person deserves a decent shot even if he or she does not end up being the love of your life. Do you think you’ll know on the first date? Most of us think we will if our lives unfold similar to a movie script. I’ve met the love of my life and I didn’t know on the first date. He didn’t know either.

We met at a restaurant so the security issue was taken in consideration. We both dressed appropriately for our date. We didn’t engage in heavy drinking or rowdy behavior. We didn’t take phone calls and made entertaining conversation, or at least I thought I did. The end result was a second follow-up date with someone I regarded as a nice guy. This should really be our aim as opposed to finding the love of our life in one night.

First dates are not for personal grilling as if you’re an FBI profiler. Personal topics such as ability to father future children, getting married, and threesomes are off-limits. Ladies, it is not okay to ask the guy how much he makes. Would you like it if he asked how much you weighed? Exes are never good conversational topics. Save politics and religion for another day too. Keep your conversation light and low key. Do you want people you don’t know prying into your personal life? Probably don’t enjoy your relatives doing this, why put your date through this.

First dates are for getting to know the person well enough to find out if you’d be interested in knowing more. This isn’t possible when you make the decision not to play your part in the conversation.  If you had plans in acting this way if the person didn’t prove to be your true love, then you probably should have never accepted the invitation. The sad truth is your true love will take a pass on you and your rude date behavior. Trust me this type of info does get around.

If you think your date is horrible, don’t take it on yourself to tell him or her everything that is wrong. You will not be helping. In fact, you’ll be little more than a bully. Unfortunately, your date may have paid for  the privilege of being degraded and publicly humiliated. Not something he’ll soon forget.

Your date went through some of the same fears as you getting ready for your date. He may have harbored some of the same hopes that you might be the one. He could have suffered similar disappointment that you weren’t as charming in person as in emails. But for one moment in time, two single people agreed to go out on a date with the presumption of having a good time. You can have a good time, treat each other well, and agree to part amicably. Everything does not have to be a big drama where you bemoan your fate at being matched up with a loser. You chose to go out on the date. Make the best of it because you never know if your date has a sibling, a cousin, or a co-worker who would be perfect for you.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

What Grabs the Eye and Heart

In the world of boy meets girl, you ever wonder how the points of attraction changes. What matters? According to Dr. Joyce Brothers, in her book, WHAT EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN, she explains how the initial physical attraction works and why.  

Ever wonder why the girl who developed breasts first suddenly became the most popular girl at school with the boys? Most of us thought it was because she was easy or at least that was the rumor, which may or may not have been true. This particular girl epitomized the basic differences between male and female by being the first to display secondary sexual characteristics (i.e. boobs.)  No matter how dweeby the boy he felt more manly around her. That was her allure.  Boys still somewhat confused about their sexual identity found some clarity standing next to her.

Dr. Joyce Brothers believed that instinctively the men were drawn to the breasts on a primitive level because they felt she would be able to bear and nurse children.( All thirteen year old boys think this.;)) On the other hand, they felt assured of their masculinity by just standing beside someone who wasn’t male. In short, men who need to compensate for their lack of true manhood prefers only to date your D-cup girls.  Psychology Today magazine also shows a parallel that the better socially adjusted a man the less he needs to date a supermodel-like woman for esteem issues.

Dr. Joyce Brothers explained that women used to be drawn to big shouldered men with powerful, hairy chests. On the primitive level, this man showed he could protect her with his muscular physique. His level of hairiness demonstrated a high level of testerone flowing through his body indicating he’d have a decent sperm count. You may have noticed women don’t really like the big, hairy-chested guys anymore. Wonder why?

The media influences tastes by showing slender, hairless men in commercials, magazines, and movies. Hairy guys are getting waxed in droves in hopes of finding a mate. Many guys are shaving all over convinced that hair is the opposite of attractiveness. This explains all the bald men currently walking the streets.

What do men first notice about women? According to a survey taking in South Florida, it is their butt, their legs, their eyes, their face, and breasts. The survey taker pointed out because of a strong Cuban presence that the men preferred a fully rounded derrière.  There is no mention of hair, but in all other Southern states, long hair is the number one attraction. One man described long hair has hiding a multitude of flaws, everything from jughead ears to a lack of a firm chin line. As far as color, men want what they don’t have. If they are brunettes, they prefer blonde, but all like redheads.

An unusual study in Australia, showed single men pictures of women that had their arms photo shopped. No matter what the woman looked like they always picked the women with the longer, proportioned forearms. It appears the men were responding to symmetry in nature. That means when my hairdresser told me I had great forearms that really was a compliment.

What do women want in men? The number one item is height. If your sweetie or husband is around your height or shorter, than you are a rare woman that netted a great guy that other women overlooked. On dating sites, women will put 6’ or taller as their first requirement. Only 13% of the US males meet that standard. Some of those men are married, old, gay, or just plain jerks.

Another thing women still like is hair, a full head of hair. Bald men are more popular than men with thinning or receding hairlines.

What do you think the third most desirable male quality is? Is it his smile, his eyes, his trim torso? Nope, it’s income.  A woman can tell what a man is approximately worth by where she meets him at. Plenty of money guys hang out at the county club, golf course, or opera house. She notices what he wears and is very cognizant of labels and tailoring.  By the company he keeps, he tends to hang out with other high wage earners. Before you classify the woman as a gold digger keep in mind she might want to start a family and needs a good provider. Income is the new broad shoulders and hairy chest.

After the wallet test, a woman likes a man who smiles. He makes her feel good about herself. He also gives the appearance of having things under control, and that’s attractive. If he can manage his world well enough to smile about it, then he can also manage their world.

Trends change as noted by men engaging in waxing, and full figured women coming back in style. Yes ladies, men are saying they prefer women with meat on their bones. A rather odd change is coming about due to the youth-oriented culture that is rather narcissistic in nature. Think of the thousands of pictures your son, daughter, niece, etc. has posted on Facebook, or the endless videos they posted on Youtube.  These are people who enjoy looking at themselves. It makes sense they’d prefer someone who looks like them. Enter FaceMate, a dating service that matches up your face to the most similar face it can find of the appropriate sex.

Apparently seeing your face on someone else’s body encourages trust, comfort, and happiness. Just take a gander at Jerry Seinfeld and his wife. Makes a person wonder.

Saturday, July 7, 2012


Have you ever listened to a girlfriend tell you about her latest beau and all the great things he does for her? At first, you’re envious of the great places he’s squired her to. As you listen to her count off the extravagant gifts, flowers, cards, romantic texts, etc. you begin to wonder if it is too much, especially  since they’ve only been dating less than two weeks. What is wrong with this picture? Pretty much everything.

When a man or woman does too much coming out of the gate it should send up warning flags. It indicates several things, but the first is that your affections can be bought. Some people’s affections can be bought for a time. Why does he need to buy your affections you might ask? The answer is a simple one. He really has nothing else to offer, or so he thinks.  He could be covering up a major personality flaw, an addiction, even a wife with this lavish display of gifts and events. He hopes to win the girl over before the truth leaks out. Many men who practice the art of “too much” hope to marry the girl before she uncovers the real man.

Being flamboyant with gifts and dates is often a way a man temporarily satisfies a date without allowing her emotional closeness. Think about your friend’s big spender boyfriend. Does he ever talk about his childhood? Do you know anything about his current life, his hopes, and dreams? Probably not, because he doesn’t want intimacy; he may want companionship on his own terms. At best, it is a non-relationship.

The man may flit in and out of your life as he pleases, but feels like he can drop in whenever he pleases because he has invested so much money. Basically, the woman is a plaything. She needs to be there when he wants her to be. He really thought he guaranteed this with his flurry of romantic gestures. When a woman doesn’t respond in the way he thinks she should, he can be argumentative, even combative, and ultimately stalker-ish. Keep in mind, he believes he owns you.  Items you own don’t have a mind and do what they want so you shouldn’t either,

If you fall in with this type of a fellow, try not to fall hard. He may drop you as quickly as he picked you up. You may want to discard him once you see past all the extravagance. You may find that you are one of many. If your relationship should progress you may find you don’t really care for the man without the expensive trimmings. Many a young girl has married an older man after being successfully wooed with material goods. She might imagine a life filled with servants and exotic trips. It could happen, but usually doesn’t.

Your life may turn out to be rather like the Tyler Perry movie, A FAMILY THAT PREYS. In the movie, a beautiful girl marries an attractive, wealthy man who showers her with gifts. She gets to live in a fancy house, hang with famous people, and get the crap beaten out of her on daily basis due to her husband’s jealousy. The movie sisters inform her she made the deal, and it isn’t that bad. The man acts the way he does because he feels like he bought his wife.

What it all boils down to is when a guy does too much from calling you all the time or giving you extravagant gifts, it is because he believes he is not enough. He knows from past experience that females tend to dump him when he’s himself. I am not saying they were right to do it, but that’s his experience. It also alludes to the fact that he regards people superficially. He is attracted to the woman because of how she looks or what she represents. This is not a man who is capable of having a deep relationship, nor does he want one.

In the end, by doing too much at first he sets the bar too high for the rest of the relationship. Maybe he is a nice guy with not enough self-esteem and too much money. He attracts women who want everything he can shower on them, but when he stops showering them they’re gone. After a while, what would be special to almost any other woman is not special to his because she has had too much, too soon, and too long. It is old hat to her. In the end, she almost always leaves him for a different guy. Not because the new guy is better, or will do more things for her, but only because he’s new and that makes him special.

In my life, the extravagant gestures always covered up a mentally unstable man unable to develop a meaningful relationship. Guys worth knowing take more work. They don’t throw it out there all at once. Call it timing, but they leave you wanting more. When I met my beloved he traveled for work a great deal, which left me longing for his company, and not having it. I discovered the real him through email and phone calls that I may not have been able to if he played the extravagant gestures game. Later on when he indulged in a romantic endeavor it meant more because I knew who he was, and the depth of his feeling.

 So all in all, this is a cautionary tale for both men and women. Guys that do too much are either trying to buy you or cover up perceived inadequacies. (Usually we just refer to that as being too needy.) A woman who takes all a man has to give and just demands more will leave eventually. A normal woman might even ask a fellow to scale back on extravagant gestures, and work on doing average things. This is not a criticism, but a simple request. Believe it or not, women do like ordinary too, as opposed to too much.