Sunday, April 29, 2012

When He Doesn't Call




You met a great guy. Perhaps you went out a few times. Maybe you thought something would really come out of this relationship, then, he doesn’t call. First, it is a couple of days, a week, maybe even three weeks. It’s obvious he’s not calling. Many women will immediately call him, an awkward conversation ensues, then he immediately blocks her number.


It is possible he lost your number, but it is rather rare. Most men have the woman’s number in their cell phone or it’s attached to the email you sent him. He could have written it down somewhere on a calendar or a scrap of paper. Still if you believe he lost it or you feel like being pro-active, then text him, don’t call. If you call, you may slip into a whiny attitude and attack him for not calling. A text can be short, even flirty, but should never mention he didn’t call. Instead, it reminds him there is a fun female out there he might want to see again. It also allows you to save face too.


Why hasn’t he called since you thought everything was working out so well? There is a chance he felt things were moving too fast. You made the mistake of calling him your boyfriend, and mentioned introducing him to friends. You may have talked about the future. You know what I mean. Those questions about what type of house does he wants to live in, and what neighborhood, as in the two of you. Even men intent on marrying tend to get nervous when those questions come up.


Maybe you were feeling so close and personal that you confessed some fairly intimate details. Could have been the tequila talking, but you still revealed you cheated on your last boyfriend. Your personal sin could have been stealing from your company, or that you fake orgasms. Whatever it is, your current date didn’t like it, and has deleted your name from his phone. There really are no do-overs because it will stick in his mind.


Have you ever gone out with a guy and the longer you dated him the less you liked him? You come to the point where you decide never to see him again. Happens to guys too, but with technology being what it is they just cut all contact. He doesn’t call, text, or email. This is his message that things aren't working out. You represent too many “can’t tolerate” as opposed to “must have” on his list of girlfriend qualities. He didn’t know this initially, but found out through various scenarios. One male co-worker informed me that women will keep up a fa├žade for as long as 90 days, before exposing their real self. I noticed that was the length of most of his relationships.


He doesn’t call because he is busy with an old girlfriend or ex-wife. Nothing makes a man look more delicious than being involved with another woman. Often it brings out the competitive spark. Some men decide to date to encourage the jealousy spark. It doesn’t matter who started the fire--all you need to know is they’re having a bonfire, and you’re not invited.


You may have read the signs wrong entirely. He may not even consider that you’re dating. Do you only talk at work? Did you share a cup of coffee or a meal with other people? Did he ask for your number? Did you offer it without him asking? Many men will take your number with no intention of calling you. They think it is the polite thing to do. Some men will even ask for your number as a way of ending the conversation with no desire to follow up with a call.


Then there is the guy who calls infrequently, maybe every two months. He’s not a man who squires you around to the finer establishments. In fact, he’s good with grabbing a pizza and hanging out at your house. You think you have a relationship because you share some sack time. You are a friend with benefits. As one of my high school students put it, a FWB is someone you wouldn’t be seen in public with, but puts out. How do you know if you’re a FWB? Does he NOT introduce you to his friends, or family? Are you NOT seen in public at high profile events? Does he call you sporadically and want to drop by? If so, then you are.


Then there is the guy who is already in a relationship. He flirts with you because it feeds his ego. Even though he took your number, he has no plans to call you. Maybe he bet his friends that he could get five women’s number before the night was over. In the end, if he did call, you’d probably become a friend with benefits. Maybe you flatter yourself and declare that you can take him away from his current girlfriend or wife. Maybe you can, but then you only have a man who will leave you eventually too.


You met him. Both of you felt an amazing connection. You jumped into bed immediately and it was great, and yet no call. He has moved onto a new challenge (read: new female.) Men do not feel the same attachment after sex that women do. Often, they feel no attachment at all in early stages of dating--that’s why he doesn’t call.


In the end, if he doesn’t call, move on. He is giving you a powerful message--the biggest one is that he’s not that into you. The second message is that he’s just rude. If he ever does call, act confused, make him repeat his name, then pause, as if thinking who he might be. A man can’t pursue a woman who is chasing him. Yyou have to decide if he is worth giving another chance. Keep in mind if he disappeared off the radar screen once, he could do it again.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Romance Killers

Romance killers are not who you might think they are. Most of you think bad breath, body odor, and smelly feet are the culprits, but they can be overlooked if a man is really trying to romance you. What kills romance is opinions of people that have absolutely no investment in your happiness. They don’t care about your well-being or happiness, so why do we listen to them? Better yet, who are they?

A good example of this is a so-called expert for Fox and Friends, is Dr. Keith Ablow, who believes he has some right to pass off his negative, biased opinions as actual factual information. After viewing several creative videos of young men asking girls to the prom, he called the high school seniors, losers, and potential drug users. Excuse me, did he miss the fact that imagination, romantic effort, and hours of work went into these videos. With one blast of hot air, he has doomed many young girls to not be asked out in a thoughtful manner. Either their parents or the parents of the young man will discourage such behavior since they don’t want their child ridiculed by a so-called expert. Give me a break, he works with criminals. It is right up there with measuring everyone’s sexuality with Masters and Johnsons research which was conducted on prison inmates. Why did anyone accept this research, when the majority of the population has never been a prisoner? Because they were experts, I suppose.

There are relationship experts aplenty that will tell men and women both that a man who tries to woo a woman is trying too hard. He is not thinking of her as an equal, but rather putting her on a pedestal. You don’t see men open car doors much for women because it hasn’t been modeled for them, and the feminist agenda nipped it in the bed. Supposedly women ran around opening up their own doors and acting offended if a man dared tried. Women no longer expect to be treated well. Women wanted to split the check because they made as much as the man. The man no longer has the opportunity to be chivalrous, even if he wanted to do so.

A husband or boyfriend who whisks his honey off for a romantic weekend or a carriage ride is scolded for wasting money. A co-worker told me a story about her mother-in-law that she fussed at her husband for buying her flowers when they had so little money. He never ever bought her flowers again. Women often kill the very romantic efforts they want. A woman might complain her husband never buys her anything for her birthday, but she ridiculed his last four presents. People get tired of doing things that don't pay dividends.

 If men are romantic and thoughtful, what horrible thing happens? My uncle adored my aunt from the time he first saw her in grade school. After sixty-eight years of marriage he was devastated when she died. They had an old school relationship. He thought she hung the moon, and she let him think that. He opened car doors for her, and squired her around on his arm. He often surprised her with flowers and gifts just because she was his sweetheart. Now she could have told him he was wasting his money, but she never did. She appreciated being appreciated. She liked being special.

I am willing to bet if they had video cameras back in their day, my uncle would have made a video asking her to prom. I am almost sure of it. My aunt would have been tickled pink and talked about it to all her girlfriends. For one shining moment, she was more special than anyone else. Dr. Keith Ablow, you didn’t get it at all; probably because you never made a grand romantic gesture in your life.

  People who want to be romantic should be able to do so without ridicule. Perhaps they need to become a new protected subgroup. You’d think they were a threat because so much hate is directed toward them. In a way I guess they are because they made the other guys look like, dare I say it, losers.

Give me a romantic anyday, you can keep your so called experts, and their romance killing ways.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Are You A Drama Queen?

Are you a drama queen? If you are, then you are one of the top things men hate about dating and women, in general. Oh no, you’re not a drama queen you rationalize, not like those annoying girls you went to high school, college, or even currently work with. I guess that depends on what you think a drama queen is. Men rate the drama on five factors.


Are you late for everything? The lack of promptness factor on the psychological level is an extreme demand for attention. You’re never ready when he comes to pick you up or you fail to meet him at the appointed time. I am not talking about being five or ten minutes late now and then, or even calling to say you’re running late. The woman who's consistently late causing the man to cool his heels, and often miss out on reservations, opening credits of a movie, or being seated in the balcony during a live performance due to being tardy. This constant lateness is a sign of a diva who wants to makes an entrance. Newsflash: no one cares if you make a late entrance. Your date does, but not for long since he’ll be dropping you soon.


Overreaction is the second aspect to being a drama queen that drive men crazy, and not in a good way. This can range from complaining about the weather to the movie starting without you. Most of these things cannot be changed by acting put out and pouting like Daddy’s spoiled little girl. Remember your date is not Daddy; even Daddy gets tired of his little princess’s tantrums. I’ve seen women go into a major meltdown in public over a broken nail. This does not impress your date. A man likes a woman who can roll with the punches.


The third factor involves your man. If any of you remembered seeing TEN WAYS TO LOSE A GUY, the heroine is cozied up to her date watching a movie and she immediately questions what he’s thinking about. He replied that he’s watching the movie; therefore, he’s thinking about nothing. She then goes on to tell him that he’s thinking about his old girlfriend to his surprise. Of course, we know she’s doing this type of behavior to try to lose the guy. The behavior of the woman interpreting what the man is thinking (she reacts to his perceived thoughts or actions) is common.


This behavior coupled with the hot and cold attitude is a relationship killer too. That’s when a woman is crazy about a guy one day, but the next she refuses his phone calls. I realize some dating manuals advise this type of behavior to make a man think you’re a sought after commodity. In truth, they tend to think of you as a drama queen and not really worth the trouble.


Being mean to others is not appealing in either men or women, but the drama queen loves to employ this technique to get more attention. She’s always onstage performing, even if it is only for herself. One episode of Hell Date featured mean girl extraordinaire. She insulted everyone from the doorman to the coat check girl. She also sent her expensive meal back several times, even demanding to see the chef to complain. Her date was mortified and apologized profusely to everyone she insulted. When the little person appeared dressed as a devil, her date was obviously relieved. The sad thing was even though his date’s behavior was just an act, for most drama queens being mean to the help is the real deal.


Drama queens invent drama. They retell stories to make themselves the victim. They aren’t above inventing tales to tantalize their dates, even using illnesses, real or otherwise for attention. This is such a mistake because men dislike dealing with sickness of any kind. Eventually the date figures out he’s been sold a bill of goods and wonders if anything she says is true. The woman spends so much time making herself sound interesting that she has little time to spend on her date. I bet you’ve gone out with men like that before. It wasn’t a very pleasant experience, was it?


So think about it for a moment. Men crave calm, not drama. A survey solicited this information from men of different backgrounds and age groups. The most notable constant among all of them was that they were single; which means you might go out with one of them. Yes, they are judging you if you’re on time, if you over react to little things, put words in their mouths, go all hot and cold, and if you’re mean to the help. You are judging them too. It helps to know some of the things that are on the drama queen checklist to decide if you might be guilty of one or two.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Avoiding Emotional Affairs ( His and Yours)

I got in an argument once over if a one time fling was worse than an emotional affair. I put my money on an emotional affair. Why you might wonder with a fling they actually did the deed? An emotional affair takes time and investment. It also takes planning, energy, and thoughtfulness not invested in a regular partner. The fling may be a one-time thing brought on by being out of town, having too much to drink, and a poor self-esteem. It might never happen again.

The emotional affair if you want to call it that is just another name for courtship. It is the wooing that occurs on dates, without actually going out. A real win-win for the guy or gal indulging in one because no real money is spent and it cannot be passed off as an affair. It is the first three steps of having an actual affair.

Notice I said, three, not one. The first step is contemplating one. The second step is finding a person you would consider a possible partner. Although, sometimes this is reversed because a person can enjoy time spent with their work wife or husband so much that they might consider an affair with them. So how do you put an end to this type of behavior?

First, all the time and effort you are putting into your work husband or ‘close’ friend, invest it on your current relationship. My sweetie and I went to a nice Italian restaurant in New York. We asked the waiter to take our picture together. When the waiter took the camera to take the photo, it caused various men to duck under tables as not to be in the picture. They were not with their wives; we figured that out by their behavior and conversation. The restaurant tended to run to expensive, even by New York City standards. If the men in question, would have spent the money and effort they’d put in their mistresses into their wives, then they have happier marriages. We all enjoy being treated like the woman he is trying to win, as opposed to be disregarded as the woman he won.

Jealousy, apathy, and constant criticism will send your loved one to someone who will find something wonderful about him. How do you act at work? You probably don’t criticize your co-workers, at least not to their faces. If you’re a smart employee you compliment your co-workers to keep the work relationship intact. This is sometimes more positive attention than they get at home, and they will naturally seek out more of it. Who wouldn’t? Then suddenly you start having lunch together.

The jealous partner who puts his or her energy into suspecting something is going on will usually inadvertently encourage that type of behavior. For the most part, men are not the players they are portrayed to be in books and movies. A man marries, and expects that’s it until his wife constantly questions his movements. Suddenly, he’s been told he’s affair worthy. He starts staring back at the women who give him the once over. Constant harping only drives him away. When all your conversation is about detailing his moves that day, then you’ve stop having a relationship.

What is the cure? Jenny McCarthy, of all people, was relating on a morning show what made marriages work. One was to exchange passionate kisses about four or five times a week. If you’re sweetie ever found himself in the supply closet with the woman who fancies him, she’s not going to give him a peck on the cheek. Passionate kisses throughout the week also changes how you feel about him for the good. Stirs up all those feelings about why you fell in love in the first place.

A kiss before leaving reminds him what he has at home, and makes him anxious to get back to you according to COSMO magazine relationship expert. Never make the mistake thinking no one wants your man because plenty of women do. Men in happy relationships usually wear blinders as they walk past women obviously checking them out without a backward glance. If they do notice, they look away.

It seems like all marriage experts recommend a date night. It is a time to reconnect without talking about the stressors in your life which include your job, your children, or paying bills. Concentrate on each other and your dreams. You did this before when you dated.

Happily married couples were polled on MSN as to what contributed to their happy marriages. One older couple wrote each other love notes every day and hid them where the other would find them. This allowed the writer to constantly have in the front of his or her mind how special the spouse was. It made them appreciate what they had. The reader of the notes felt constantly cherished—a very good thing. Cherished spouses don’t go looking for confidence boosters elsewhere.

Lastly, why invest all your energy into an emotional affair? In the end what do you get? You get a neglected, unhappy partner and family. They fall by the wayside as you contemplate the dream future you and your emotional affair partner might have. In your dreams he’s everything your current partner is not. Your fantasies are movie worthy. Keep all your energy invested at home and you keep your current happily ever after.

Most women fall out of emotional affairs the more they get to know the guy and find out he’s not so great. In the meantime, your relationship has suffered, and maybe your sweetie has moved on to his own emotional affair. Something to consider before picking up a work husband.