Sunday, January 30, 2011

Make Every Man Want You

Make Every Man Want You
… the title of a book by Marie Farleo I’ve been reading. I figured if I am going to be out in the dating world it might be to my advantage to be absolutely irresistible. In the name of scientific research I thought I would give it a try. Since I hadn’t read the book I didn’t know what would be in it.

The last dating book had me ignoring a guy’s calls for a week then mysteriously pop back on the scene without explaining why I wouldn’t answer. Personally, I thought this was bizarre behavior. True, I’d missed calls before and I am in the habit of not listening to voice mail, but this deliberate blow off seemed wrong. To test my theory I asked a man how he would react if a woman he had dated didn’t accept his calls for a week. His response was to accept that she had moved on and to not call her anymore. That seemed like a reasonable reaction it was time to check out another book.

Just like clothes I figured not every dating book fits everyone. Who doesn’t want to be irresistible? As a brunette with an average figure and on the downside of forty I could use help. What makes a person attractive? Before I read the book I imagined myself in heels and a short skirt. But I was so wrong. The first step is to be authentic. Drop all the facades and the games other books have you play. That’s great because I couldn’t remember half of them anyhow.

Second step: live in the moment. Doesn’t almost every book now days say that? But what does it mean? Fully let go of the past. Accept the lessons you learned from it, but let it go. Quit beating yourself up over past mistakes, forgive yourself and move on. Refusing to release the past prevents us from living in the now and enjoying what we do have. My own input here is not live in your date’s past either. There is no reason to rehash why he’s divorced or what his exes did. It will only bring stress to a developing relationship. Focus on the now, the two of you, all the talk about exes brings back bad feelings. It also crowds you out of the picture. What woman wants to sit and listen to her date talk about past lovers? Hello, it’s me over here the woman who is actually here with you.

Still some women do. Then some people actually self mutilate themselves too. They reason how will I prevent whatever happened with his ex from happening with me? You can’t. There are no guarantees in love. Besides you’re not his ex and he’s no longer the man he was then, and the two of you are not reliving the same circumstances as his previous relationships. You can’t step in the same river twice. Why even worry about this? The same with all THOSE questions, you know the ones I mean. Where you ask if you are prettier than his ex? By asking you reveal your insecurities and you’re never happy with the answers. Avoid that whole scenario. Celebrate who you are instead.

Be glad to be you in this very moment. Don’t promise yourself things will be better when you get your roots touched up or when you lose ten pounds. Right now is all you have and be splendid in it. Do your job with enthusiasm. Walk with a bounce in your step and a sparkle in your eye. Smile at people you don’t know and say hello. You will be irresistible. The difference is that you are approachable. The most beautiful woman in the room is not always the one guys flock around. The woman who feels good about herself and in turn makes others feel good draws them like honey.

It is about having confidence, but more about being in the world. Most people live closed up giving out non-verbal messages not to approach them or talk to them. They are consumed with the details of their every day life or even their past to the extent they miss opportunities to interact with others. I believe in the eastern philosophy that people are put in your life for a purpose. Every day you meet people and either they teach you a lesson or you teach them a lesson. We don’t always know what the lesson is though, but by staying out of the flow of humanity we miss what we need to learn. The same lessons are thrown at us again and again because we refused to learn them the first time.

Some women whine that they have the same bad relationship over and over again. They do because they haven’t done the work they needed to do to grow past this stage instead they blame the man. Somehow he’s always at fault, although the woman continues to put out the same signal that attracts the same type of man.

Remember in being irresistible, you attract all types of men you just have to make the right choices regarding who you want to date. Everything is a process, if you talk to him that doesn’t mean you have to go out with him. If you do go out with a guy, but you don’t like him no second date. Anytime it is not working feel free to break it off. Men are not projects you will not change or improve them. So with these thoughts in mind how has my life change?

I used to think despite reading the demographics about there being an abundance of single men, I thought there were none. No men whatsoever in my area, that I would want to date or that would date me. Suddenly, it’s raining men. Single men around my age, some a bit older, even younger are starting up conversations with me in frozen food aisle, at the gym, even at church. Mostly I smile and try to say something pleasant or clever back while I try to deal with the shock. Where did all these men come from and why are they so nice…and interested?

The other day I went to the gym while the football game was on and it was blaring through the gym guaranteeing some men stood transfixed with their eyes on the game. Remember ladies, this is the gym, I do not dress up for the gym. With my hair up in a pony tail, no makeup, and figure skimming gym clothes plus glasses, three different guys made a determined hit on me. One almost made me fall on my treadmill since he used the bad boy approach I read about in one of the dating books. Another followed me on the Nautilus circuit, doing every machine after me so there would be conversation in between. Still another guy garbed in his swimsuit and did his best to lure me into the pool with him. I’ve been a member of the same gym for over a year and I’ve never had this reaction. Sure, Marie’s book is helping me to become more approachable, and I did show up in single man hour obviously, but on the outside I am the same person it is my inner view that has changed.

Before I spent all my time beating myself up about what I wasn’t. Men wouldn’t be attracted to me because I wasn’t blonde , busty or had a cutesy high pitched voice. Instead I bemoaned my dark hair, slender figure and husky voice. When I accepted myself for who I was then I was able to see that plenty of people found me irresistible. A woman who likes herself naturally sends out positive feelings. Who doesn’t want to be around a happy person, their mood is infectious. As for the book, Make Every Man Want You is well worth a read. You also might want to conduct some research too. Let me know how it goes.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Man Shopping List

Do you know more women initiate divorce than men? Part of the reason is because they married a man they thought was right for them, but later on found out differently. Often women enter relationships without knowing exactly what they want in a man. Men tend to be more specific. If you are going shopping, it is better to know what you’re looking for so you don’t bring home someone who doesn’t fit.

Here it is the New Year and I failed to make my man shopping list, which might be a bad thing. It depends. According to Arielle Ford (life coach), if I don’t develop my intention about what type of man I desire then who knows who I’ll attract to me, maybe the wrong type. Truth be told, I could have made the list, even started to, but burning it and finding a body of water to release it on was too much work. Considering I would have to sneak out under the cover of night across a private snowy field to get to my body of water, I think my ideal man might be dressed in blue with a gun strapped to his hip. Not that I’m totally against that, but I would like to meet under less felonious conditions.

Marie Forleo, author of Make Every Man Want You, advises against a list. She finds that you tend to overlook men who could be wonderful, but don’t fit the list. Often our lists are things we composed when we were sixteen. Dreamy brown eyes are not a requirement for me anymore. I think that was based on some teen heart throb I was in love with at thirteen. Should looks matter?

This is a struggle if I say they do I sound, well…like a man.LOL If I say they don’t most of you know me for a liar. We women do like certain physical types, but that type may not be the right one for us. I’m guilty of being a reactionary. If I dated a big muscle bound he-man type for the last year I’m definitely not in the market for another. Some women look for certain physical traits such as a deep voice and a tight butt. As for me, I like eyes and hands. Odd combination, I know.

The eyes tell me so much if I am willing to gaze deep. The eyes are the window to the soul. The hands tell what the eyes don’t. It doesn’t matter what a man does for a living any man can keep his hands clean and his nails clipped. Dirty ragged nails are an instant turn-off. So while many women are checking out a man’s backside I am checking out his hands.

Hair used to be really big for me since I have good hair. Maybe I wanted a thick haired man so we could throw our hair around as if we were in a shampoo commercial. My old preference of luxuriant maned men changed after a couple dates with bald men and men who shaved their heads. Bald men can be very hot. Besides at least 25% of men suffer from male pattern baldness do I really want to eliminate that 25%, although I think the percentage is actually higher in my age group.:) Besides really excellent eyes and clean hands, what else matters on the outside?

Personally, I want men who manage to look both calm and content. There is a serenity about them that is palpable. They look happy. Give me a pass on the angry, intense looking men definitely not my style. I used to like the artistic–looking types. You know the ones with soulful eyes, overlong hair, and artistic clothing combinations. They liked me because they could smell job and health plan a mile away.:) No more, like fast food, they were something I gave up to improve my quality of life.

Instead, I went with one of my favorite interior characteristics: brains. How I love an intelligent man! I could gush all over the place about this, but he needs to be quietly intelligent balanced with a sense of humor. An understated dry sense of humor works well with major intelligence. Some guys are determined to prove how intelligent they are…that’s just not smart. No one likes that. I seek out intelligent guys and found you can do that by profession. When I decided I wanted an intelligent and stable guy, my first thought was engineer. My best friend teases me that I have an engineer dating club, but I do like them, a lot. They are so much better than my previous type which was anyone who would ask me out.

Because I went out with men who asked me out because of some misunderstood comment my mother made about being nice to guys who asked me out, I went out with men who were wrong for me. I am all about being physically fit. For pete’s sake, I use to manage a gym and teach aerobics five times a day…I was practically a Hydroxycut advertisement. Still I went out with men who were overweight and the most exercise they got was searching for the remote. I don’t expect my dates to be cut, that would mean they were in better shape than me, but I would like them to be active. I didn’t respect my inactive dates and they weren’t that much fun because I wanted to do active things. Another couch potato might love the idea of snuggling up for endless hours of television, but not me.

Some things I want in a man are pretty intangible. For instance I want a man who is a hard worker, responsible, but at the same time open to adventure. A man who respects himself and what he does, but at the same time doesn’t take himself too seriously. I know this is the type of talk we women do that drives men wild…and not in a good way.:) I want a man who will dance in the rain with me or take off for a weekend road trip. That’s right ladies, I want a paradox. Probably that man doesn’t exist, but I believe he does. In fact, I think there are thousands of single male paradoxes out there. Maybe they are even feeling misunderstood because they can’t be pigeonholed.

Finally, I would want a man with a sense of play. Life can be deadly serious why make it more so. A man with a sense of play can break away from what is expected from time to time even if those moments are private. A sense of play can be as small as challenging each other to a footrace or as far fetched as devising elaborate treasure hunts where the ultimate prize could be very interesting (wink, wink, nod, nod.) I think women would be much more playful if men made the first step. Older woman like to comment that all men are just big children, but they usually say it with a smile meaning they often like it even if they pretend they don’t. Don’t get me wrong on this, I want the whole package.

If I had a classified ad it would read: Wanted: Single intelligent man with a stable career and personality (read mentally healthy.) Must be reasonably fit with interests besides watching television and surfing the net. Should have a sense of humor, a spirit of adventure and a streak of playfulness. Beautiful eyes and hands not required, but would be nice to have. Absolutely must love dogs.

Okay ladies, I guess I did make a list. I do have an intent. According to Arielle, that should draw the man to me. The fact that I even put it online should make the draw so much stronger…or so I think. :) Well, do you have a list? What’s on it?

Next blog: How to make every man want you.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Numbers Angle: Dating Multiple Men

For those who just dropped into the blog I am detailing how to date like a man. Men seem to enjoy dating so much more than women. Ever wonder why? They approach it differently. A guy might think he gets to go to dinner with an attractive woman. He gets food, good conversation, maybe some wine and some entertaining thoughts about getting closer to the woman.

The woman on the other hand might decide ten minutes into the date that he’s not the one. Maybe he did something that reminded her of her old boyfriend. He could have said something about the Colts’ last game and her old beau was a Colts fan, which means he’s a loser. The next ninety minutes are pure misery as she answers questions her date so gamely plies her with. The following day she whines to her girlfriends that she shaved her legs for that! There can also be a reversal of the scenario too, but in the end it’s a numbers game. Men know this.

If you aren’t out there meeting people how can you expect to meet perspective dates? If you don’t go out a great deal, then how will you know if a guy is right for you? Too many of us followed the Victorian period concept that there is only one perfect man or woman for us. Sometimes we moan and groan he got away. In my case, he died. Well, that could be the end of it. I’ll never meet anyone like that again. The truth is I won’t because everyone is different. I used to joke that I wanted to date the male equivalent of myself I did that once. It wasn’t as great as I thought it would be, but I would never had known unless I got out there and played the dating numbers game.

Ladies, if you’re open to it. Everyday is full of opportunities if you want it to be. There are men who want to go out with you. The only man who comes to my house and rings the doorbell is the UPS man and lately it’s been the UPS woman. :( Decide first if you’re open to it. I entertained myself in the summer by watching a television show called Plain Jane. The premise is a socially awkward woman is transformed into a beautiful confident woman so she can pursue her secret crush. Often her crush did not return her interest, but she learned something important how to talk to men in everyday situations. I watched shy women’s flirting efforts with great interest. This was something I never did before talk to random men. The woman had to signal she was open to flirting.

She did this by being aware of her surroundings. Her head was up, shoulders back, she strode with a confident gait, and she smiled occasionally signaling she was approachable. If an attractive man made eye contact she held it showing she was open to flirting. If the guy didn’t say something first, she did. In a few words, she may find out he’s married, in a relationship, gay or interested. How many men do we pass every day that might be exactly what we are looking for? Most of you are snickering about this because it was television. This doesn’t happen in real life. It has happened to me, but not until I was approachable did I receive it.

I used to like to go to the grocery on Thursday because of the new sales promo, but that seemed to be the day all the chatty men went. Little did I know when they were asking me what cheese with well with what wine they were trying to strike up a conversation. It didn’t hit me until my friend Charmaine mentioned she always asked attractive men their opinion on a wine after checking out their left hand first. Then my handsome son complained that these older women were always asking his opinion on wine in the grocery. The mating game was going on in the grocery only I wasn’t a part of it. :(

You can’t work the numbers if you don’t meet people. Simple math, really. Many times we close down men’s advances because we decide immediately they aren’t our type. My sister cracks me up because she seems to think I should only date men that I would look good with in a magazine fashion spread. Someone about my build and coloring, maybe a little taller than me, if such a man existed I think I would call him brother. My daughter thinks I should date reasonably fit men since exercise is so important to me. My daughter may have a point because it is much easier to find a fit guy than fashion layout material. Probably one of the most engaging men I’ve met is far from a fashion model, but he has charm. I would have missed him if I held on to the outdated version of what my type is.

By meeting as many men as possible I can explore what my type might be currently. Be open to seeing a variety of people. You might discover someone you may have overlooked before. When you make yourself approachable, please note I mean well-groomed and friendly, not slutty, you’ll be amazed at how many men you will meet. Most of them are just looking for an opening. The other day I met a man while waiting in line at the post office on my lunch hour. When I walked up behind him, he turned and looked as people do whenever anyone enters their personal bubble. His eyes lit up and he smiled, signaling he was definitely approachable. Flustered, I looked away from the immediate invitation. The line was long so I decided to talk to him, which was relatively easy. He lingered at the door after his transaction maybe waiting for me to finish mine. No such luck I had to repackage my priority mail Christmas box. An opportunity lost, but there will be more, if I am open to them.

It is amazing that there are so many single people in the world when so many people are trying to meet people. We women talk about wanting alpha men, but we rebuff their attempts at pursuing without even knowing it. Do you think the guy in the grocery really wanted my opinion on what dog biscuit would be best for his dog? What am I a dog food expert? If I was with it I would have known three things about him: he’s single, he’s interested,and he’s a dog person. So far, so good, instead I showed him my dog’s preferred treat and headed off to the frozen food section.

There’s another thing I forgot to mention about the numbers games, rejection doesn’t hurt as much. I’ve been rejected a dozen times for different reasons, but I can’t even remember the guys’ names. This is from a person who sees lots of familiar faces, but can’t recall many names, though. :) Keep in mind, there is someone else out there who will be attracted to you. It’s because you're a confident, approachable woman, who wouldn’t want to be near you?

Tell me how the numbers game has worked for you? Good or bad I would like to hear both sides of the stories. Remember I’m just telling you how to date like a man. I haven’t offered any conclusive results yet since I’m still in the research and testing mode myself.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Confidence Game

The first step to dating like a man is self confidence. Act like you are the most wonderful person in the room. Anyone should be glad to know you. If they aren’t anxious to meet you then that’s their loss. I know some of you are shaking your heads thinking that you could never pull this off. I did say ACT. That’s the secret fake it until you make. Why act self confident if you’re not feeling it?

Neediness is the opposite of confidence. It is number one on the list of things that drive men away. A woman lacking self confidence telegraphs desperation. She feels like she can never land a man so she dates anyone who asks her out. Then she usually sleeps with the guy on the first date since that is all she thinks she has to offer. She immediately begins to text, email and call. Maybe she buys him gifts and drops them off at work or home. No wonder the guy runs off screaming which confirms her belief that she has nothing to offer. A worse scenario is the guy hangs around and uses the woman. He keeps her in place by insulting her making her think she can’t do better.

Often when we see men swarming around a woman we make up stories why men are attracted to her without knowing the real reasons. First, is that she dresses like a slut. The second is she is a slut. That somehow eases our mind about her appeal. Some of you might think. I don’t know want to attract all the guys, just one special one. I’m with you on that, but that one special guy will still be attracted by the same thing every other red-blooded man is…and it’s not the fishnet stockings coupled with black leather mini-skirt. Sure, men look—we women look usually we say something like, “OMG, she goes out in public like that.” or “Wonder where I can get that skirt?”

To be a self confident woman, you have to embrace that you are enough right now. Too many women believe a man or a loss of another ten pounds will make them happy—not true. The decision to live in the moment makes the difference. Accept yourself where you’re at, pursue interests you’ve always wanted to, and believe in yourself. Face your fears head on.

My fear was that I would become a lonely, old woman with cats. First of all, I’m not a cat person. Second, I’m fairly involved so I don’t spend a great deal of time alone. Age is relative. I met men much younger than me who seemed much older than me. As for alone, I could be, there have definitely been times in my life when I’ve been alone. It was certainly better than being in bad relationship. Once you’ve accepted your fears they no longer rule you.

A confident, happy person is in the world. They are aware of their surroundings, their positive mood is contagious. Most of us have two types of friends. One type makes us feel happy and upbeat, we usually find ourselves laughing when we are around them. The other type can be fairly clingy and always wants to relate long winded stories starring them as the victim. The happy ones we long to see them when we’re apart. Now the second type you see coming and wonder how you can cut the conversation short. The big difference is the happy person focuses on the people around them while the victim friend is obsessed by her own issues. All people, men included, like people who are interested in them. Take the spotlight off yourself. Focus on others. See other people for who they are and not for what they can do for you.

You’re in the grocery store when a man comes striding down the aisle with a mini-cart (tell-tale sign of possible singlehood.) The man has his shoulders back, head up and is smiling. He scans the shelves and the people. Your eyes meet and you automatically smile you can’t help yourself. He may say something and you find yourself answering. The encounter may last mere seconds, but suddenly you feel different, happier. His upbeat mood spilled over onto you. He focused on you. Now do you see why self confidence is so attractive?

Today, practice smiling at people you’ll have no clue how many people’s days you brighten with just your smile. It is the first step in your self confidence journey. Often we pay attention to our outward appearance and not enough to our inner self. Surprisingly, I’ve had great encounters with mud on my jeans and a ball cap hiding my hair because I focused on the other person.

Believe in yourself right now. You are okay today. I always thought when I lost a few pounds I might be sexy, then, I started belly dancing. I discovered women larger than myself wowing the audience with their sexy mood and attitude. In performance we’re taught to own the room. We’re also taught to act like we’re IT. Surprisingly, our attitude is reflected back by the audience. Not surprisingly, if we put ourselves down we’ll find people who will treat us the same way. If we believe we are truly great people and well worth knowing them we’ll attract the same.

The first step to be irresistible is to believe it yourself. Right now, look in the mirror, and tell yourself you’re fine. I know it sounds silly, but we spend so much time doing negative talk—why not positive talk? When you act like you’re wonderful everything changes making you into a person people want to be around.

Sure, you’ll meet creeps, jerks, users, but as self confident women who know their worth you simply kick them to the curb and go on. Of course, they’re attracted to you who wouldn’t be? You, my friend, are meant for better men.

Go out today, live in the moment, be your personal best, smile---see if your day doesn’t change for the better. I would love to hear about your day and what believing in yourself as done for you? Confidence spills over on everything. My new surge of confidence allowed me to face down the office bully, not exactly what I was expecting, but a definite plus.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Dating Like A Man

In the beginning when I decided to date again, I got flak from my family. How many times did I want to marry? How many failed relationships did I want and why did I want to date men? My one sister even questioned if our father hadn’t spend enough time with me and that’s why I wanted male companionship.

My initial answer was that I was heterosexual that’s why I wanted to date men. But many heterosexual women don’t date. The most common comment I receive from women is they never dated after their divorce. Something went so terribly wrong that they did not want to suffer through that pain again. I agree on that point, but on the other hand am I depriving myself of a relationship(s) where things are good. The question is how to get here from there.

I needed help so instead of paying $90 an hour for a dating coach I simply read their books. I gathered the books: Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov, Date Like a Man by Myreah Moore, Make Every Man Want You by Marie Forleo. While all three books approached the dating topic differently, they still had common themes and often agreed with each other. The first thing you need is confidence.

As women we often are amazed that the short, chubby guy at a party will continue to hit on all the most beautiful women until he gets one who does pay attention to him. His behavior exemplifies confidence. He feels like he is a prize each woman would be lucky to get. If a woman rejects him that’s her loss he figures and moves on. He doesn’t spend two weeks talking out what’s wrong with him with his guy friends. Women tend to be more critical regarding their own appeal. We also invent whole laundry lists of why someone might not be interested in us based on OUR perception.

Most of our time is consumed with detailing what is wrong with ourselves instead of celebrating who we are right now. In belly dancing, the familiar axiom is to act like we know what we are doing even if we miss a step. People respond to our confidence, even if it isn’t real. Eventually we will be the fabulous dancer we pretend to be. In the meantime, just have fun. The same with dating, act like every man should be honored to know you. Amazingly, the men will come. Better yet, you’ll attract more of the type of men you want to attract.

Before when I talked to a man I’d spend a great deal of time apologizing or putting myself down. I ridiculed everything from my job to my past dating history because I didn’t see myself as a catch. I ended up with men who also put me down.:( If I don’t see myself as wonderful why should anyone else? A man I recently spoke with commented that I was an interesting person. I fought the urge to say how boring I really was. Instead, I agreed with him and he immediately straightened up and leaned forward displaying more interest. My confidence drew him in where my normal self depreciation would have pushed him away.

Find out what’s great about you. Ask your friends. Go out on a voyage of self discovery. Once you can name five things that make you unique and wonderful, you are on your way. Be the person you want to be and have the internal characteristics you want in a man. If you want a person who is honest, financially secure and confident be that person. Like tends to run to like. Opposites may initially attract, but they usually break up later. That brings me to a big difference between men and women dating: the mission statement.

The mission statement is usually placed on the wall somewhere in your business. It is the reason you do what you do or at least the initial reason. Most women date to find a husband while men date for fun. That’s why many women pursue dating with the same diligence they pursue Black Friday shopping. It isn’t about having fun it’s about landing the right guy. It is no wonder after bagging the wrong guy that a woman doesn’t want to go out in the field again.:) All that work for nothing. Men on the other hand just want to have fun. That shouldn’t surprise any of you. Sometimes we complain bitterly about a woman who might date several men at once because she’s acting like a man. Why not date for fun?

If you’re reading my blog then you’ve probably been in a relationship or marriage. You don’t need a husband instead you need a man to find you fascinating and longs to pamper you. Too often we approach every relationship as marriage as the end goal. By doing this, we chase away men that would be fun dates, even very nice short term relationships. Most of us have tried the other route before, like deer hunters we targeted our prospect lured him closer, before pulling the trigger. We find, often years later, that we didn’t get what we thought we wanted. Think of dating as a discovery time. Men do, that’s why they go out with several women trying to decide what they want or what works. Then there’s the fun factor.

The only way you are going to find someone you really like is by meeting lots of datable men. All those movies and books about bumping into that special someone when you first decide to date, well, they’re fiction. Sorry ladies, I wanted to believe in them too. It sure is a lot easier than all the angst you put into dating. Maybe you know someone who met a great guy right out of the gate. Great, I also know someone who did win the lottery, but it doesn’t mean it is going to happen to me.

Remember the short, chubby guy at the party? He had confidence. When he heard about the party he immediately thought about all the women who would be there—not that he didn’t have a date. Secondly, he worked the numbers game. He didn’t go to the corner to assume the fetal position when the first woman rebuffed him. Thirdly, he knew what he wanted and went after it. The question is do you know what you want? I’ll explore knowing what you want, working the numbers and getting confidence in the upcoming blogs.