Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Why Women Dump Good Men

It’s Friday and time for my massage. My masseuse is an upbeat, attractive Hawaiian guy who is really good with his hands, and often chatty.  He envies my relationship with my sweetie because he hasn’t had any luck.  His last four girlfriends dumped him he confessed, but they cheated on him first with some bad boy type. “Really, you’re kidding me,” I exclaimed from my prone position on the table. ”You’re a nice guy,” I mumbled through the face rest.

I know he’s a nice guy because of how he is with his own children, and even his ex-girlfriend’s children. He often plans romantic getaways for his girlfriend of the moment. Here is a thoughtful, romantic man who’s willing to date women with children, and yet he seems to get dumped all the time. What gives? Why do women dump him? He wanted a list so I scoured my brain for what I knew.

Some women dump guys who do too much.  They give too much early on proving they’re needy, not a delicious prize like the tantalizing bad boy who gives nothing.  Why do pickup artists get girls by insulting them or flirting with their girlfriends?  Women tend to want what they don’t have or seems hard to get. The guy who is too nice in the beginning doesn’t seem to be a prize.  ( I do want to point out the guy that seems like a jerk at the getgo is often a jerk.) Women who enjoy this type of behavior have poor self-esteem.

Another reason a woman moves on is the appeal of variety. She may have a wonderful guy, but is convinced another wonderful guy is around the corner. This is the female version of the player. Often  she over estimates her charms and believes she can play this game forever.

The flipside of this is the woman who married her first boyfriend who may be a wonderful guy. He might be the best guy she’ll ever meet, still she feels cheated.  A steady diet of her friends’ romantic chatter, coupled with romantic comedies, makes her wonder if she made the right choice.  Given a few years, and a couple different guys, and she may have made the same choice, but she doesn’t know this yet. Instead, she chucks her faithful man in search of that romantic paragon she’s been told is out there.

Women dump men out of boredom. We accuse men of this all the time, and are surprised women are guilty too. Women like more variety in everything from food to sexual positions. Many men declare themselves to be steak and potatoes men meaning they could do the same thing over and over and be content. Women stuck in these relationships don’t know how to introduce something new, or have been rebuffed when they tried. It seems easier to just start over.

Women dump men who don’t give them what they want financially. The simple name for this is gold digger.  If that is all a man is to a women then he’s better off without her.

Ever know a woman who likes drama, chaos, and attention in her life? Then she won’t be content with one guy. She’ll start something with one, move to another while she is still dating the first one. That makes for plenty of drama. She is an attention whore. One man can never be enough for her. It isn’t the sex either because most of the attention she is getting is from her girlfriends.

I hesitate to say this, but some women dump men that don’t have the right look. Of course, you might wonder why they went out with them in the first place, but people change, along with their professions. Many nurses put their medical student husbands through school only to be kicked to the curb when he reached doctor status.  Same deal with women who find their blue collar boyfriend no longer suits their professional image. Maybe the boyfriend grew comfortable in the relationship and put on weight or wore sweats in public one too many times. Yep, women discard guys who don’t suit them rather like an out of season purse.

Do you have a friend who dates lots of men? She may have thrown away several nice men. The problem is she doesn’t know what she wants.  She thinks she’ll find it by dating, but that doesn’t work. She has to sit down, not for a few minutes, but often months to discover what she really needs and wants in a partner. How can you know if you have it when you don’t know what you need?  Ever wonder why some elderly ladies are so crotchety? They’ve gotten to the end of their lives never living the life they wanted. They could have stopped at any time and made adjustments. They could probably throw out several reasons why they didn’t do that. If you want something bad enough you make it happen as opposed to going through life haphazardly.

Now, there are plenty of reasons to leave a guy, including abuse. The important thing is to leave as opposed to going out and cheating on him. Why do women do this? Sometimes I think they believe it is their right. Other times they think they won’t get caught and they can have the nice man who is paying the bills and the bad boy. Other times the woman wants to break up, and cheating seems to be the deal breaker that will make it happen. Still, other women are just trying out the merchandise before deciding which one she wants. All in all, it is tacky behavior.

Women often believe men don’t take romantic breakups hard. They do. They take them very hard. Surf on over to a website called Men Going Their Own Way http://www.mgtowforums.com. You’ll find men who are definitely down on American women because they’ve been rejected by one or dozens of women, which puts a whole different complexion on the whole dating issue.

Why do women leave nice guys for bad boys?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Nation of Stalkers

We’ve become a nation of stalkers with Facebook and Twitter. We want to follow the actions of our former spouses and romantic partners. Often, we dumped them why do we want to know about the man or woman we thought didn’t suit us? Why are we interested in their comings and goings? Not really interested, just being social. C’mon, does anyone believe that excuse?

Asylum, an online site geared for men, advises that staying Facebook friends with your ex is a great way to spy on her. It also makes it easier to know who to avoid because you’ll see which one of your friends sides with her. It allows you to plot revenge since you know what she is up to, plus you can mess with her new boyfriends by leaving cryptic messages. Besides being terribly immature, notice anything about this advice? Well, it does seem to be rather stalker-ish. If a person is monitoring your moves, keeping track of your friends and dates and they aren’t working for the FBI, then you have a stalker. Really.

If you hear about a friend who is being followed by a guy she met on Craigslist, wouldn’t you’d be alarmed? If not, you should be. Famous last words are, “he’s not really the dangerous type.” Both men and women have been attacked and sometimes killed by an enraged ex. The ex is distraught because you broke up or found someone new. See it in the news every day.

Why do people follow someone via the social network, especially when they were the one who caused the breakup? A variety of reasons, but none of them are good. Don’t kid yourself that your ex wants you to live a happy, productive life with the romantic partner best suited to you. If he did then he’d make an exit. Often you are the backup plan. Look at it from his viewpoint, he knows what you like so you should be easy enough to manipulate for the friends with benefits position while between relationships. Don’t fall for it. You’ll find yourself throwing china when he hurries off to his next relationship.

Men can be contrary creatures because they want what they can’t have. A woman is most attractive according to psychological studies when she is engaged, getting married, and pregnant. What? Brides are always beautiful because they spend major money to get that way, but it is the fact they’re someone else’s baby that makes them a forbidden lure. The fact that another man values the woman makes her more desirable. Ever notice once you get a guy, suddenly all the other men start talking to you? It’s like a new restaurant in town; no one wants to go to it unless they hear from someone else that it is good. That’s why we have restaurant critics. The ring on a finger is rather like a good review. Same with the flip side of the coin as far as men go. A man who basically can’t buy a date is suddenly seen with an attractive girlfriend, then people re-evaluate him. George in SEINFIELD wants a woman to pose as his girlfriend. He explains to the pretend girlfriend that with her on his arm that women will think two things that he has money or is a great lover, perhaps both.

Women who are friends with their exes online suddenly see he is dating a hot chick and get reactive. They may scheme to break up the relationship. They want their guy back and will play hard ball to get him. Or they may try to be the new girlfriend’s friend. None of this is good. Why do people do this? Ever give something away, then, wonder if you should have kept it. Maybe that Renaissance cloak you bought several years ago on a whim that you haven’t worn ends up in the Goodwill bag. The problem is when you see it on some else you want it back, especially if it looks good on that person. It’s the same deal with the old boyfriend.

Besides being a nation of emotional peeping toms, we also want to hoard past relationships. Just in case, we might need them later. Why else do you want to know what a former boyfriend is doing? It isn’t healthy? Women or men who think they can be friends with their exes, can’t. Let me explain you can be civil, polite at public functions that involve you both. If you’re texting, calling, tweeting, or even attending functions with your ex then you’re not over him. It’s about the kids most women will explain. Trust me, I’ve been in the room when that call comes. The kid section takes about five seconds, then the ex goes into what she is doing, what mutual friend she ran into, questions about what he’s doing, the remember when we did this, etc. What she is doing is trying to re-establish contact even if she doesn’t acknowledge it. She is also making it apparent to the new girlfriend that she knows this man better than the new girlfriend does. It’s petty, but women do it.

Most new wives despise their guy’s ex-wife with a passion. This goes double for the girlfriends. I figured this was because the guy talked trash about his ex, which could be a cause too. Mainly, it is because you have an ex who won’t act like an ex, she is more like an interfering mother-in-law. She is constantly leaving Facebook messages, forwarding emails she thinks are interesting, calling to tell her ex something funny the kids did, etc. Often men are clueless and don’t recognize this behavior for what it is. Many times she only wants to mess with the new woman, other times she does want him back. Basically, remaining friends with your ex on Facebook is both stupid and a form of torture.

Asylum considers defriending someone when you break up with them as stupid because you might want to hook up with that chick later. It is really the classy, smart thing to do, defriend them. Trust me they won’t be shocked or hurt, but rather relieved. You need space to heal over a broken relationship constantly seeing that he’s having the time of his life won’t help you. (Of course, he is probably making this all up since he knows you’re still his Facebook friend, he’s checked.) If for some reason he wants to get back together he knows where you live.

In the United Kingdom, one-third of the recent divorces statistics list Facebook as a contributing factor. Makes you wonder. On a morning show, an author showcased her book on stupid questions women should know the answer to, but seemingly don’t. The first question was: My ex wants to be my friend on Facebook, should I friend him? Her answer, and my answer, is unequivocal NO. Really, she had to ask?

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Close Encounters with the Ex

Ever worry about bumping into your ex, especially when you are out on a date? Not too surprising, especially if you live in the same town. The law of averages pretty much guarantees it will happen sometime, but up till now it never has happened to me. Or at least I’ve been unaware if it has happened. Truth put, I have very bad eyesight. I’ve been out and thought I saw someone who may have looked like someone I’d dated. Luckily, the man in question did not come over and introduce himself, and inquire if my date was his replacement. Realistically, most guys aren’t like that. Ah women, that’s a whole different story.

I’ve gone out once or twice with guys whose exes call them to cut the grass at their previous home or do simple home repairs. If you’re wondering, the guys did do these things because they felt obligated because it used to be his home too. We all know the ex-wife wants him to come over to recreate the family feeling in hopes of getting him back. There’s also the possibility she just wants home repairs done free of charge too. Talk about non-closure.

Vengeful ex-wives will leave cryptic Facebook messages that imply the two are still close to scare off any future women. Yesterday, I heard the worst local ex story yet; a woman scaled an apartment building wall to get to her ex-boyfriend’s balcony. Once there, she screamed insults at the guy and his new girlfriend for the hearing pleasure of the general public.

What causes women to do this crazy stuff? It is usually a combination of anger, jealousy, uncertainty, and a desire for payback, especially by the dumpee. As women, we often want to know what the ex was like so we can compare ourselves. Naturally, we want to think our guy got a better deal with us, right? That’s why some women when left alone in their guy’s house will scour the place for pictures of the ex. What is the point of having the photos unless he is holding onto the memories, and maybe even a hope they might get back together again. Then again, some guys simply forget they have a box of photos stuck behind paint cans in the storage shed.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every woman entered a relationship totally confident that she was the very best thing to happen to her guy? While it probably is true or they wouldn’t be together now, females tend to wonder about the ex. Even judging their guy by the company he kept. If talkative relatives reveal that her man tended to hook up with emotionally unstable women, then there is the question about mental stability. Is he as okay as she thought he was, or is she the mentally unstable one? Even worse, when is the crazed time bomb-like ex going to come careening into their lives, that tense moment when they are face to face.

That’s a moment you can’t really prepare for, and you certainly hope it is a public moment. Public because even if it doesn’t moderate her behavior, it will moderate yours so you won’t come off as some raving lunatic. It is better to be gracious and pretend you have no clue what she is talking about. Some exes think they have a brand on their former guy that reads STILL MINE. She might want to regale you with all his turn-ons while you seek rescue in an urgent text message that you absolutely have to respond to; trust me, you do have such a message.

Keep in mind if she had a clue about your man, then they would still be together. Often women who even rejected the man can’t stand to see him happy. It is just another version of emotional abuse. It also lets you know she is one selfish individual; no wonder the relationship didn't work out.

What if the previous ex is dead? That’s a hard one. I will tell you what I did. I tossed out my dead boyfriend’s pictures, not because I had bad memories I just didn’t think it was fitting for my sweetie to stumble across them. Too often we idolize people who died. We tend to forget the fights, self-serving nature, or even the fact that they might have not been a lifelong partner if they lived. It’s funny that we feel like we have to invent an entire new history for someone who happens to check out early. A grieving spouse or romantic partner’s tales will often feature the deceased as better than they truly were in life. Part of the reason is survivor’s guilt, another part is our conditioning never to speak ill of the dead. It makes it hard for people to have future relationships if they can’t be honest about past ones.

The truth about coming face to face with exes is the normal ones will be civil. After all, their fight isn’t with you. The crazy ones will do bizarre things. Don’t blame your sweetheart too much for them, because even the totally out of control ones may have not started like that. The important thing is to keep your distance and your dignity.

Reminds me of the advice given to kids that are being bullied. The bully only wants to hurt you, when you show pain then they’ve achieved their goal. Avoid the bully at all costs. You don’t have to run, but you can disappear into bathrooms, stores, cars, etc. Keep in mind, if there is a vindictive ex in your past or his, do not allow your emotions to show because it just gives them way too much pleasure. Remember you are the beloved that’s why she resents you.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


Remember the old feminist manifesto that women could have it all, which at that time meant a husband, a clean house, well behaved kids, and a high powered job. It all sounded good, but few if any females ever had it all. It was just too much to expect. It didn’t stop anyone from wanting it or even expecting it could happen. The same with dating because we refuse to believe we can’t have it all.

What does a woman want in a date, or even a prospective mate? According to some trusted male sources, they believe she wants everything from a man who treats her like princess, to a high wage earner, to a man who medals in the triathlon, to a man who is often mistaken for a movie star. Oh, and the woman wants constant excitement and novelty. He needs to surprise her with gifts, cards, flowers, and romantic getaways. No relaxed nights in sweats watching a DVD for him.

Sounds like a bit much, surely the sources jest. I am not sure, but that is the message they got when their girlfriend or wife left them for someone they believed could do all these things. First of all, I have serious doubts anyone could do it all, and if he could, then he could not do it do for long. That is what they refer to in marriages as the honeymoon period. When all the newness wears off and just everyday life remains, some couples grow indifferent and drift apart. Bored with their situation until someone new and shiny comes along sparking their interest and the cycle begins once again.

We, as Americans, are greedy, plain and simple. We even have a television show called American Greed dedicated to telling us about all the devious things people will do to get more stuff. Same with relationships, we’ll do a lot to hook the man even pretending to be what we aren’t. This is one reason Fredericks of Hollywood makes so much money. Women are willing to strap on fake boobs and butts, and wear outlandish wigs to attract a guy. Maybe even pretend an interest in a sport they do not like. Women do all sorts of things to land a guy, and not like what they landed. Number one because he prefers curvy blond tarts who know football. Number two he was probably playing fast and loose with the truth too, and he’s no romantic hero that he pretended to be.

Is it perception or greed? It is a little bit of both. We are constantly told we can have everything by the media. We deserve it. We’re worth it. We hear it over and over again. We are told nothing about setting priorities, what matters most in a relationship, and how to judge character. So we assume things that are not true, and often give a good looking guy the benefit of the doubt, while the average guy gets no benefit at all.

Men were asked in the long run, if they preferred a woman with some weight on her who would treat him well or a skinny chick that would be mean to him. The majority picked the first. So knowing this then you think women might work on their kindness ratio as opposed to the treadmill, but you’d be wrong.

Despite a mountain of evidence, people still expect to find that perfect person out there somewhere. They leave wonderful caring people to chase after a mirage. A mirage inspired by glitzy Hollywood movies, glossy magazines, and even books. People are simply imperfect creatures doing the best they can. Why would anyone be perfect in very way? If they were, then why would they want you?

I think it comes down to greed. We expect the best of everything with doing nothing to earn or deserve it. Then the woman, and sometimes the man, is angry when that perfect mate doesn’t come along. They’ll chase after people they believe to be perfect discarding them when they find they aren’t. They’ll try to shape people into the image they want, and perhaps become embittered when their creations desert them. If they’re lucky, very lucky, then they’ll grow up and realize the world doesn’t revolve around them. Once that epiphany happens, they’ll notice their imperfections, be humbled by it. Next time around, they’ll try to be a better person aware that a relationship involves two people, not just themselves.

Amazingly once they realize they do not deserve a perfect person they will become the perfect match for someone who thinks likewise.