Friday, May 27, 2011

Worth The Risk

Despite my daughter’s warnings against watching Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, I still watched it and between laughs found a kernel of wisdom. Near the end of the movie, Connor Mead pleads with his brother’s runaway fiancĂ© to give love a chance. He goes on to explain that he chose not to risk love because he was afraid of being hurt by having his beloved leave him. He thought he was the smarter one by avoiding the heartache of breakups, divorce or even the death of a loved one. Because the movie is a romantic comedy, we all know Connor has the chance to reconsider the love he put aside. Not so with the real world, which brings us to the question: Is love worth the risk?

I work with teenagers on an average day I have at least one girl crying in the bathroom and one boy acting sulky. Definite signs of a breakup, no big surprise there since the average 8th grade romance is about 1-2 weeks in duration. After breakup period is usually short in nature depending how much attention the parties receive…and what type of attention they receive. I’ve seen girls’ tears almost vaporize off their cheeks when the right boy inquires if they are open for weekend. Talk about risk takers, if they swear off love it is for about twenty minutes.

As we get older, we are less likely to jump back into the fray after a major heartbreak. Maybe we need more time to evaluate our wounds. Perhaps we get more attention as we age. We definitely get plenty of commiseration. Who hasn’t witnessed a clutch of college co-eds bad mouthing the male gender when a friend is dumped. The same girls will scatter like wildfire when a party at a particularly desirable frat house is announced leaving the dispirited girl alone. Even as they feel for this sister who has been burned, they are more than willing to throw themselves in the fire. They may even give the dumped girl advice that the best way to get over one man is to get under a new man.

When do we stop running like lemmings over a cliff to get to love? Usually after a very deep, hurt. Often divorce can do it. Divorce is hard no matter how friendly and faultless you try to make it. All your shared hopes and dreams just blow up splattering you with the carnage. It’s hard to bounce back when it is so public. All your friends, relatives, and even neighbors seem to want to jump in and explain who’s at fault when all you want is for everyone to quit talking. The very last thing you want to think about is love because love got you into the mess.

A toxic relationship can be just as devastating as a divorce because the relationship consumes you. Still as hard as you work you can never please your partner, there is no winning. Your self-esteem bled out while your toxic partner berated you as he helped himself to your assets. If you are very unlucky you happened to be married to your toxic partner. If you escape such a scenario, the very last thing you want to do is to take a chance of hooking up with someone just as bad. I know what that is like and would not repeat it for the world. Still, would I be willing to take a risk for love?

My answer is an emphatic yes. Maybe a few years ago it wouldn’t have been. I’ve been hurt big time by love, but more realistically by people who didn’t know how to love. Seems like a bad deal to blame love for human actions. I did give up on love and hid myself away. It wasn’t a great time, but it was what I needed to do to recover. Once I felt ready to stand on my own two feet again, I had to decide if I was willing to take a chance on love again. I was, but my sisters and mother were totally against the idea because I might get hurt again.

If you love someone there is the possibility they could leave you taking their love with them. Sometimes, we don’t consider they may leave this Earth, but they do. I had three significant people die in my life unexpectedly. It is unimaginable that if I knew they would die that I would choose not to love them to spare myself pain later…and yet that is what we do when we refuse to step out of our safety zone to throw our hearts out on the ground open to public scrutiny. We are avoiding the hurt that could happen. We also bypass the joy and delight that love can bring into our lives.

The thing I realized as I grew older and lost friends to death and moving is that none of our relationships have FOREVER stamped on it. I used to assume they did, so when a relationship ended abruptly I became angry. Instead of seeing all the good times we had together, I only saw those years we didn’t share. Life is different when you become grateful for what you did have. Love makes it all so much better.

I am a little embarrassed to admit that without love my life truly lacked zest. I am very blessed with good health, an excellent job and interesting hobbies. I realize I have more than some and may even be living the life that others aspire to…so it is hard to confess I felt something missing. I kept busy by working extra hours, volunteering, and picking up new hobbies. My busyness filled up any alone time I might have.

Dating seemed a natural outlet. Even though I would never verbalize that I hoped to find someone who I would mean the world to and I would feel the same way about him. If I said it aloud then I would just be ridiculed. I took a risk believing it was worth the possibility of being hurt. I figuratively fell a couple times, slapped my face on the concrete once, and managed to crawl to a sitting position, but eventually I stood upright.

Months later, I can say it was very definitely worth it. I found love and it is surprisingly beautiful and crisp almost like being seventeen again. I thought it would moth-eaten and worn from years of non-use, but love is like a fairy godmother who transforms the everyday things into wonderful creations. Hearts heal, spirits lift, tears dry when love comes on the scene.

If you’ve ever truly experience love then you know it is always worth the risk.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Going Exclusive

Many women only date one man at a time, so there is no going exclusive. Instead, there is an awkward time when they’ve come to the realization that their current man won’t do. The most normal thing to do would be to break up, but instead they continues to hang on to the unsatisfactory boyfriend until someone better comes along. It doesn’t seem like a really good deal to me. Even though, it seems to be a tradition to some women.

This time around, I went for the radical approach to date more like a man by dating more than one person. It has been interesting, fun, but mainly tiring. Let’s be honest here, it takes women much longer to get ready…or maybe it is just me. I am more confident in my attractiveness than before. Often when you date one man exclusively from the get-go he might compliment you once or twice, but then he figures he has you so the compliments fall by the way side, as do the creative dates and excellent manners.

In all your TV sitcoms, when a guy gets serious about a woman and wants to see only her, his guy friends are concerned. They warn him to think twice before he makes the fateful decision of getting by with just one woman. One Youtube video helps a guy to make the decision to date exclusively by comparing each woman’s good points. The video also warns that you should have slept with the woman for at least two months because you need to get past the new boyfriend sex to whatever comes after. This all sounds like going exclusive is a bad thing…at least from the guy’s point of view.

Women on the other hand can be just as weird. I caught flack from both friends and family members for dating more than one guy. My sister would inquire if I liked a particular guy, when I told her yes, she wondered aloud why I needed to date someone else too. Why not should have been my answer. Instead, I mumbled something about not being sure. It’s okay when guys aren’t sure. Males are even applauded for their ability to shop around in the girlfriend section. Women not so much, because somehow it seems wrong or foreign to have more than one guy friend.

The logical outcome of my wanting to date only one guy should be a united chorus of heartfelt ”yesses.” Perverse as my family and friends can be, they'd begin to ask about the also-rans, the men I didn’t pick. They bring up various traits or aspects they liked including being tall and being a season ticket holder. I am puzzled why it would matter because if isn’t as if guy number three was ever going to take any my relatives to NFL games with him. Why do they care? As if that isn’t enough they like to run through bad boyfriends of yesteryear. I realize this is a public service announcement for my own benefit pointing out I haven’t chosen so well in the past.

My mother likes to tell me about a horrible nightmare she had where I was still married. It was only a dream for her. I lived it. So as a scarred divorced person, I think hard, very hard about going exclusive. Initially I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I’ve had the opportunity of dating maybe a dozen men, Out of that dozen, I quickly shaved it down to six who made it to second dates. Four actually made it to third.

What cause some guys to fall out of the running. Different things: such as being in love with his ex, too much like my ex, too political, and too touchy-feely on the first date. The process of dating is about getting to know the person. With some, the more I knew about them made me realize how very different we were in a not so good way. The herd has narrowed down to three and I do have a favorite.

If you were shopping and you had to decide between gorgeous shoes and ones that fit really well, which one would you choose? I know, me too, the third pair that was gorgeous and fit well too. That’s how I decided who to date. I singled out the man who had the most characteristics I wanted. It didn’t hurt that he was charming and adorable too. Did I fall for him before or after I decided to go exclusive?

Honestly, I would have to say before which propelled me into the exclusive decision. It wasn’t an easy decision at first, but then I realized it was a no brainer. My hesitation came because I liked being treated special, having car doors opened for me. Most of you who are in relationships are opening your own car door now, right? The prospect of giving that up scared me. Men slack off when they think they’ve won the girl. Also frightening, men tend not to regard the female as a great catch once they caught her, well that’s most men.

I decided when I made the move to go exclusive I would be plain in my wants and needs. Trust me, I’ve did my time as being treated as a household appliance…an object that needed neither recognition or care just performed certain services, not unlike the dishwasher. Even though I am in love, I am still using my brain to analyze what type of man I chose. The smart type who knows he has a good thing in me. He also will not abuse his privileges as the boyfriend.

I am entering into uncharted waters here since I decided to go with a totally different type of man, an intelligent and romantic man. Often times, I suspect he is more romantic than I am. But now, that I made my decision, I need to work on my goodbyes.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Saying Goodbye

Kenny Chesney’s lyrics of a girl having him at hello echoes across American dating landscape with people using the attractiveness of a hello to predict a possible relationship. How often have you heard someone say he had me at hello? I am usually amused to hear a few dates later that goodbye was said, often rather bitterly, with a few expletives thrown in. Most people can do a decent hello, but goodbye is the real measure of a person’s character.

Through the dating process, you find out that you and another person just don’t suit. It could be that the chemistry isn’t there. Maybe after a couple of dates initial weirdness starts popping up There is something about all his conspiracy theories or anger at his ex that just doesn’t feel right. It could be you met someone who suits you better, but in the end it is time to say goodbye.

The men I felt most enthusiastic toward as far as being a good date prospect took goodbye with grace and wished me well. I try always to be honest and polite. Never to say goodbye by text or a Dear John email or just cowardly avoiding their calls. Ironically on the other hand, I’ve had men do the disappearing act on me. They’re so interested in me then suddenly they drop all communication. I get the message and it doesn’t bother me overly much. Probably because I was dating other men and did not have my hopes and dreams pinned on one man, which isn’t the case with all women.

Going back to my trusted male friend for input, I explained that I was writing a column on saying goodbye to dates who were not a good fit. This elicited a laugh and a story about being raked over the coals by one date. After their first and only date, he decided that the chemistry wasn’t there and very politely told his date the next day that he wasn’t interesting in pursuing the relationship. She lit into him claiming he had no right to end the relationship and how he led her on by spending too much money on a first date. Maybe this is the reason online dating services recommend a coffee date first. To some women a four course meal is the equivalent to a marriage proposal.

On the other hand, I had a man wine and dine me extravagantly. We painted the town red, and yet I never went out with him again. I did not think we had a relationship or that he even owed me anything. I realized he lived very far away and was in my town for a short time and wanted to have a nice time with a pretty woman on his arm. Sometimes that is all there is to it. Really, too many people don’t get this.

I’ve had men turn on me when I refused the third date demanding answers why I wouldn’t go out with them again. When I told them I didn’t think we were a good fit, they wanted another date to prove otherwise. My trusted male friend explained by date two they felt they had an investment and were ready to move to date three—the serious date, which some men mistake for the booty call date. In turn, I was rejecting not only them, but all the work they put into the dating process. It made more sense why they were angry, but it didn’t make me want to reconsider.

Goodbyes say quite a bit about a person. The way you choose to tell a man he’s not the one characterizes who you are and your maturity level. Some women choose to pick fights over trivial issues causing the man to drop them or at least stop calling. This is so junior high. Grow up, be honest, and polite. The man no matter how much you think he is not the one for you deserves to be treated well. He did ask you out in the first place. He made an effort to get to know you and show you a nice time.

Going back to men I’ve dated and known, I am surprised at how rude women can be to men when deciding not to date them. Women will baldly tell men they don’t want to date because of his looks, his car, or his financial situation. In other words, they made the guy feel like a loser. How would you feel if someone did that to you? Not good.

Honestly, I can’t say I ever had a man treat me like that…recently. They were angry that I chose to not see them again. I had one tell me I would never find anyone who would treat me like he did. He was right I found someone who treated me better. LOL. Men can sometimes be smarter because they seldom engage in the drama. (I know some do because I read about it in the paper, but most don’t.)

How you say goodbye confirms if a man should have broken it off. Ranting or fit throwing will make him glad he got out early. A polite goodbye will help him remember you fondly and even mentioning you in a flattering manner to a friend or colleague if your name ever comes up in conversation. Don’t burn your bridges behind you. Sometimes people get back together. Would you ever want to get back with someone who acted the fool?

Watch turning stalkerish too. If you’re not going out then you should not be friends on Facebook, which is often only used to affirm that ex-boyfriends are unhappy and dating skanky women. Don’t hang out in your usual haunts hoping to accidentally bump into him. It just looks bad and everyone feels embarrassed for you. Be the better person and let your goodbyes be goodbyes by doing that you have the time and the attitude to have someone else at hello.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Goldilocks and Dating

Most of us think of Goldilocks as a chick who couldn’t be pleased; this is evidenced by her sampling of the three bears’ porridge, chairs and beds. Less kind people might call her a whiner and some a housebreaker. What she really is an example for dating. Really, I kid you not.

Goldilocks knew deep down what she wanted and knew when she wasn’t getting it. Boy, oh, boy could I learn from Goldilocks. All she took was a spoonful of porridge to see she didn’t like it. She didn’t take three or more spoonfuls to see if it would get better. Hey ladies, does this sound vaguely familiar. You are dating a guy who doesn’t suit, but you give him chance after chance to “improve.” He’s not changing because our basic personality is formed when we are children.

Think about your past relationships. I broke off with a man who had no ambition to the point he stopped painting his house in the middle of the job. Goldilocks would have noted the lack of ambition and moved on immediately. I thought I could gently hint, even offering to paint the house myself. I was forgetting the basic personality issue. Then I moved onto a man who was so work-related that I realized I was simply a work extension. I served as an arm accessory as he schmoozed potential clients. Goldilocks would have promptly dropped the guy because he had too much ambition. It took me a few dates more, but I realized that a working date was no date at all. I realized that I need a man with ambition, but still had time for a relationship. I had to decide what I wanted just like Goldilocks.

Goldilocks didn’t waste time debating why she should like the too hot porridge she went onto the next bowl. Have any of you spent time with a man because your family or friends liked him? Been there, done that, dated a guy who my best friend adored because he was the physical embodiment of what she considered hot in a guy. His lack of consideration drove me batty, but when I mentioned breaking off the relationship, my friend almost cried. Lucky for Goldy, no one was shouting advice from the sidelines or she might have stayed at the too hot bowl instead of getting on to what she really liked and wanted.

After finishing off the food, she was ready to check out the chairs. Speaking of food, how many of you pretend to like a certain type of food to impress a date. Maybe you really want barbecue, but you agree to sushi because you think it is trendy. Be careful you don’t find yourself in a trap of your own making. A friend of mine made her then fiancĂ© a pineapple cheesecake. He praised it highly telling her it was the best thing he ever ate. She vowed to be a good wife and made him pineapple cheesecake twice a month to show her love. After consuming 150 cheesecakes, the husband confessed that he never ever liked cheesecake he only said he did to make her happy. If he could have been honest about his preference in the beginning all would have been fine. Do you seriously think the wife was pleased he waited so long to tell her? I think he slept on the couch for two weeks. Go with the truth, if he can’t handle it then move on.

Goldilocks tried out all three chairs. You really should try out the chairs because sometimes they aren’t really as comfortable as you think they might be. The same with men…the ones your friends knew would be perfect for you might make you to wonder what your friends really think of you. Women push for relationships because they want to be in one. Beware. This is often how you find yourself in a miserable situation. I did say try out, not buy. Don’t waste time on a date or relationship that doesn’t suit. The man doesn’t want you to stick around just to leave later. Get out now and spare him the time investment too.

Goldilocks wants it all so she heads upstairs to try out the beds. She doesn’t waste any time in the beds either. Be careful ladies, just because you slept with a guy does not a relationship make. Yep, men are still the same as in your mother and grandmother’s time…the easy woman is still the easiest to leave. Goldilocks got out without much fanfare despite her bed-hopping ways.

The bear family was more than a little put out with Goldy’s thieving and destructive ways. In some versions, she jumps out the window. In another, she becomes a bear snack. I guess it all depends on how you feel about Goldy. If you think she was right in going after what she wants then you allow her a safe escape. If you think she was way too picky then she becomes kibble.
What can you pull from a simple fairy tale? It is important to really know what you want. What are your deal breakers?

I watched a clip from Baggage television show hosted by Jerry Springer where hopeful dates carry on small suitcases indicating various issues from a woman who shares popsicles with her dog to another who spends a $1000 on lottery tickets a month. The guy picks the one with issues he can tolerate then she opens his case that hides some huge issue, trust me they are huge. This is rather like a reverse Goldilocks instead of picking who he likes the best, he picks out who doesn’t gross him out the most, an unreasonable standard for a date. I truly hope dating hasn’t sunk to this, but apparently some people think it has which accounts for the women willing to be on the show.

So maybe we should take our cue from Goldilocks and not the contestants on Baggage. Which fairy tale heroine is your role model?

Friday, May 6, 2011


Who hasn’t endured the ordeal of meeting the parents. If you’re a guy you’re being stared down by some man who is reminiscent of Robert DeNiro in Meet the Parents. The mother might serve as a softer, gentler investigator who manages to pry out details you hadn’t revealed yet to your sweetie. Wham, you’re in hot water big time. The one good thing about growing older is meeting the parents doesn’t matter so much.

As an adult you’ve been on your own for a number of years so the parental approval goes by the wayside, mostly. I’ve also discovered the boyfriends my mother liked I did not. In the end, it is my opinion that matters. Although, I will admit my mother doesn’t make her disapproval known until the guy is out of the picture stating emphatically that she never trusted him. As difficult as parents can be, children are worse.

Anyone who doubts this has never had children, worked with children or dated someone with children. In the beginning of a dating relationship, you don’t want to meet the children. If your date insists on you meeting the children then he or she is looking more for a step-parent than a date. If the kids decide they like you then it’s all good. If they don’t it is almost a Disney movie. Normally healthy children become sick when Dad tries to leave for a date. The little darlings develop an extreme dislike for your very likable self. Keep in mind, most kids do want their parents to get back together even though there is a better chance of devils ice skating. It doesn’t even matter if their mother has remarried in their fantasy world. Smart people put off meeting the children until the relationship shows some signs of becoming long term.

Many things can happen when you meet the children or when his children meet your children. His children can like you and you might like them and suddenly you’re doing things with them as if you’re a big happy family. One day you wake up and realize you don’t really care for the Dad that much, but you do like the kids. Now you’re in a quandary…an unethical man will play the child card to keep you in the relationship. Women without children often long for the romanticized version of kids which you often get on your picnic with your date’s family. Most children can be decent when you aren’t making them clean their room or do their homework. In fact, you probably cause Dad to go easier on them. Be warned this is the honeymoon period for children.

Many women want to move in with a guy and his kids to set up house immediately. This is so wrong in so many ways. This was illustrated to me while I listened to a teen explain to me all the various “daddies” she lived with growing up. There was no type of stability in her life and her mother demonstrated how to leech off men. What type of life do you think she’ll have? Keep in mind, kids get attached fast. They want a relationship too. If you’re nice and show interest in them than you’ve done more than previous dates have. Kids get hurt in relationships when they fall apart that’s why you try to keep them out until you’re absolutely sure.

What if you’re pretty sure and decide to set up household? You might be in for a big surprise since both sets of kids seemed to get along so well at the Children’s Museum. It’s the equivalent of introducing a new dog into the household. While they won’t pee on the furniture to mark their territory, they will upset household harmony and routine. Surprisingly the well behaved children of your sweetie become crazed imps delving into your emergency chocolate and smearing paint on the carpet. What happened?

They reverted back to their normal behavior since there was no longer a reason to be on their good behavior. Often your children may feel threatened by the presence of the new children and will act up too. It could be the new kids are a pain and your children are reacting the way you wish you could. Be prepared not to be allowed to discipline the darlings. Why you didn’t talk about this before co-inhabiting? Big, big mistake, one often made when marrying a man with children.

If your kids are almost grown, do you want to raise someone else’s children? Because I wasn’t a child bride and my children are grown, I suspected men my age would have grown children too. Surprise, men often marry younger women and in turn have children younger than mine. It was hard deciding that I didn’t want to raise another group of children. Mommy time was officially over. I felt selfish thinking these thoughts at first until I dated a man with a young child. No matter what plans we made, it would all be dropped if his son wanted to do something that weekend. I am not talking about medical emergency, school play or birthday party. I was smart enough to see this would be the norm for a number of years.

Most people marry people with children and expect them to magically change. The Father will suddenly have time to spend with you holding hands in front of a roaring fire. Think again, your workload has just doubled. Which reminds me of the old tale where the scorpion convinces the boy to pick him up and carry him over the stream. The end result was the scorpion stung him and then chided the boy because he knew the scorpion was dangerous when he picked him up. If things are not working out well now they will not get better if you decide to be a couple. Au contraire, they will get worse. Not all blended families are destined to be battlegrounds, but do be aware many are.

Meeting the children is much easier if they are grown because the children don’t exert as much influence over the parents. Grown children have their own lives and expect Dad to have his. Often grown children want their father to be happy so they don’t have to worry about him being alone. As the girl friend, you take some of the responsibility off the kids’ shoulders. Dad never put it there, but most decent kids do worry about their single parent’s general happiness. If there is someone in his life then part of their work is done.

Not all adult children care about their father’s happiness. No some care about their inheritance. A friend of mine married a man twenty-five years her senior. No, she wasn’t a bottle blonde bimbo instead she was a soft-spoken fortyish woman. I had seen her with her man and they seemed genuinely in love. The children were enraged they hadn’t been consulted before the wedding. After constant harping, they managed to break up the couple on the surface. They still dated secretively without the brats’ knowledge. My feeling would be that I wouldn’t want a man who didn’t stand up for me, but she felt otherwise.

“They are his children,” she explained, “you have to make concessions for children.” I guess sometimes when you meet the children you need to have in your mind what concessions you are willing to make. I remember my mentor teacher telling me when I entered the classroom for the first time, “Start as you intend to go.” I didn’t understand that then, but I do now. When you give up too much ground in the beginning you’ll never get it back. Something to think about when you meet his children.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Is Love Dead On the Road?

Ever feel like love died somewhere? Maybe hit by a fast moving semi and splattered on some unnamed road. Sometimes I feel that way. Other times I wonder why love comes so easily to others. That was the discussion when I saw my middle sister. We both are divorced and are constantly amazed that our older sister married a prince of a man when he was only the second person she dated. Over the years, we have discussed in detail why some women have all the luck to love and marry well. Here are a few possible answers.




Our sister was in the right place at the right time to meet her husband. If she stayed home and bemoaned the lack of eligible men, she would have never met him. Let’s face it ladies, we have to be out doing things to meet people. Not counting Jehovah Witnesses and the guy selling Kirby Vacuums, no one comes to your door. Sometimes your time is not the right time too. Because you want someone right now doesn’t mean the right man will come along when you want it, rather it is when you least expect it. Many couples, after they finally get together, find out they attended many of same events, even the same school or church without ever having met before.




I’ve talked before about being open to possibilities. Often we decide on a very narrow range of people we might actually accept as friends or lovers. Still, within that narrow range, we’re still not open. Are you making eye contact? Smiling? My oldest sister likes to retell the story of meeting her husband. She spotted him in a crowded college class that was putting her to sleep. The first thing she noticed besides his curly fro was the fact he seemed to understand what the prof was saying. When he turned and smiled at her, she smiled back. By being open, she soon found herself in a study group with this engaging man, even though he was nothing like her old boyfriend.




I meet wonderful women all the time who confide they are unwilling to date again because they’ve been hurt. I understand. I guess it is all in what you want. Decide what you truly need. I need love and work. I’ve had some bad jobs, but I never thought to never work again. Working is essential to my life, so I went out and got another job. My goal was to get a job, not to hope to get close to getting one. There was no other option, but to get one. I believe you have to have the same approach to dating/love. You have to expect it will happen instead of counting all the reasons it won’t happen for you. (I know this seems like a contradiction of earlier advice, but if you don’t act like you’re worthy of love then you’ll never find it. Love yourself first.)


My grandmother was not really counting on love after surviving an arranged marriage. In fact, she didn’t really believe in it. At the grand age of fifty, she met my grandfather and decided to try again. Of course, she could have not tried and lived alone.




My middle sister and I debated why we were divorced while our older sister was married and came up with a simple reason: we didn’t pick well. I know a few cynical people might comment that we both must be difficult people. I beg to disagree, but will point out my elder sister can be difficult and she’s the one who is happily married. We didn’t pick men that understood the complexities of marriage. As far as holding to a standard, I think we can both agree that we didn’t have a standard…that’s where our problem started. Know what you want, don’t settle for anything less. I am in awe of the Dating Goddess who has dated 150 men in the United States and is expanding to overseas to meet her standard. (I feel obligated to add here…make sure your standard exists. My best friend’s geeky brother is still holding out for a supermodel. I wonder if either of us should tell him she’s not coming.)




Okay, I know it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Men like women who look feminine, not like one of the guys. Just yesterday, I was in the expensive part of town, but I had a shoe coupon for an exclusive shoe store. Naturally, I went to the store and scored a cute pair of flats on clearance. The one thing I couldn’t help noticing on this warm spring day was how dowdy the women were dressed. Most had on mom jeans and sweat pants and running shoes. Few men will look twice at that ensemble because it screams “not interested.” I know some might argue that they weren’t looking for a man so they didn’t dress the part. You don’t know when you will bump into someone. Since I started my dating journey I’ve ran into men at the grocery, the dry cleaners, even the post office. Thinking back, the one thing all those encounters had in common was that I still had on my dressy work clothes. You don’t have to dress like a fashion plate, just make the extra effort when you step out of the house. My daughter has turned into a fashionista and refuses to let me leave the house in athletic shoes unless I am going to the gym.


Dressing well has the added benefit of making you feel better about yourself. When you feel better, you’ll smile more and men will perceive you as being more attractive and approachable. Anything feminine is a plus from a skirt to a colorful scarf. Be glad you’re a woman and celebrate it. I was told by a man recently that a ponytail pulled through a baseball cap can be sexy, paired with well-fitted clothes of course. LOL




Don’t discount luck. Why do some women marry their high school sweetheart and live happily ever after? It’s not because they were more deserving than you. It was plain blind luck. How does your best friend meet the love of her life in another country when he was living just five miles away from her all his life? Luck again or maybe it’s fate. How did my sister end up in the exact same class as her future husband? Maybe it was the only class offered at that time or maybe it was luck again. The one thing I noticed about lucky people is that they are always out trying new things when luck happens. Luck does not come knocking when you’re at home whining about your bad luck.


As for my luck, it is changing for the good. I’ve always been the same person, at times skinnier and younger, but the same. As for love, it is not dead on the road.