Avoiding Online Dating Abuse

A recent deluge of articles spotlighted British women suffering abuse from their online dates. Is this only a UK thing?

First, it isn’t just a United Kingdom thing. It also isn’t a woman thing either. Plenty of guys have been harassed, even threatened by their dates. The aggressive woman will use the threat of spreading rumors, stalking, or even resort to physical abuse, relying on the man not to retaliate. A man might never confess to being harassed by his date, afraid how it makes him look.

Why is this happening in the first place? There is a relaxation of societal boundaries of good behavior. Add to that a sense of entitlement. The abusive date wants what he wants.  He has resorted to online dating since he has exhausted his supply of local women.

Most people believe dating sites do a criminal background check on their clients. The only check they do is on the client’s credit card. A person can call and makeup a name and history. That’s why so many married men pass themselves off as single. eHarmony does offer to verify your name, age, marital status and occupation.  The company will confirm the man’s identity as a forty-two year old medic with the fire department. What isn’t confirmed is his tendency to call ten times a day to track his date’s movement after only one encounter.

The only way to know if a man or woman has been abusive is if previous dates report to the company. Of course, this relies heavily on what you consider abusive. One woman feels victimized after a date when the man does not make a second date. A man who failed to make the follow-up date finds his driveway blocked by the angry woman who threatens to ruin his bid for a second term in office. Abusive or scary dates have to be reported to the agency. Most people don’t do this. They consider it experience and move on. Some are afraid of angering the abusive date into retaliation mode.

The agency can do several different things. If you are on a free dating site, they’ll most likely do nothing.  Most will block the reported individual from contacting you. Others such as eHarmony will ban the reported individual from the service, then notify anyone he had been in contact with that he is no longer in the service and to beware.

Two things can result from this ban. He can join different services. He can join the same service with a different email address. The verification service is something the member pays for to relax potential dates. A banned person will not use this service.

On the flip side, a vengeful date can notify the company that the man who chose not to take her out again was stalker-ish and abusive. The man gets his membership cancelled and notes sent out to all his possible dates to break off contact with him.  Yes, this could happen. More likely, the company doesn’t allow the two individuals to see each other’s’ profiles.   They send a note to the member who filed the complaint that the matter is resolved. 

Why should one’s person opinion carry more weight than any other person? By banning a member, they not only lose that person’s money, but anyone who listened to his complaints about the dating site. With all this in mind, how do you protect yourself from a possible abusive date?

1.       Be careful with your profile. Do not state your employer, or even your real name. Most people go with a nickname or a middle name.  (I demonstrated to my sweetie that by only knowing his name, I easily found his home address, age, relatives, neighbors’ contact information, even a handy map to the house. For a few dollars, I could bring up his credit record and criminal background check and the value of his home.)

2.       Note any red flags in the profile. You do not have to respond to anyone you don’t feel okay about.

3.       Have a date-only email for feeling out potential dates.

4.       Never  friend  a possible date on Facebook before the first five dates stage. (This allows your date access to the intimate details of your life. The better to stalk you later.)

5.        Meet in public places.

6.       Drive separately for the first three dates. Most people can contain their inner demons for the first three dates, although you might see glimpses.

7.       Do not ignore warning signs.

8.       Be stingy with information at the get to know you stage. Don’t say where you work or even where you live. (A match.com date gave out her address information on the first date, only to discover she didn’t want to see him again. That didn’t stop him from waiting at her house every day.)

9.       Don’t expect a company to do the investigative work for you.  Men met through Christian Mingle attacked several female members. The women assumed wrongly that men belonging to the group would be above reproach.

10.   Have a person to check in with when you go out with new dates.

11.   Leave when you feel unsafe. Don’t worry about an explanation because there won’t be any future dates.

12.   Do not discount friends’ impressions either. If your friend thinks your date is creepy, ask why.

13.   In the end, any man or woman worth having will understand your natural caution.

14.   You can meet wonderful people online, but weeding out the undesirables is your job. Remember the most charming dates are usually the ones you’ll be hiding from in three to five dates. They’ve had plenty of practice being smooth to lull women or men into a false sense of security before they take off the mask.

15.   Trust your instinct. Sometimes logic fails.

Before complaining that everyone online is a stalker, keep in mind any of these safety tips would work well for non-online dates too.  Allow the relationship to develop naturally.  Pay attention to who your date is as opposed to who you want him to be.

                                                               

Why Dr. Emil Chynn Can't Find Love or at least a 2nd Date?

This gives you an idea of what Dr Chynn is looking for in a wife.

New York doctor Emil Chynn was recently on television explaining what he wants in a woman. He has advertised for a woman in his Columbia University Alumnus magazine offering to donate $10,000 to the finder’s favorite charity upon his wedding.  He has struck out with New York’s top matchmakers who charge $1000 an hour. He has resorted to massive email campaigns inviting almost everyone he has ever met to help him find a wife. Single doctor with no children or demanding exes, what’s not to like? I guess that depends more on the doctor who rejected the two women he did meet. He explained they didn’t meet his standards.

The forty-five year old plastic surgeon only wants what he wants. It seems fair since he has now upped the ante with offers of free plastic surgery for people who will introduce him to his future bride. 

(Keep in mind, if he goes out with the woman someone has found for him and finds her not up to his exacting standards then no reward will be forthcoming. At this time, no one has received anything.)

Here are some of his requirements.

·         8-9 on the beauty scale ( with 10 being goddess-like perfection)

·         Christian

·         Well-traveled outside the US

·         Must love pets

·         Blonde

·         Size 0-2 (an average American woman is a size 14. A zero would measure 30-22-32.  Most twelve-year old girls are bigger than that.)

·         College educated

·         No kids

·         Must be willing to have kids in the next 1-2 years

·         White. No Blacks, Hispanics or Asians need to apply. (Yes, he’s Asian.)

·         Practice healthy lifestyle - no drugs, smoking, or drinking. Eat healthy and exercise.

See anything wrong with this list? He doesn’t mention any actual personality traits or interests.  He wants a Barbie doll to immediately start popping out kids he never got around to having because of his career.  He wants a short, skinny wife because, as he explained on television, he only weighs 125 pounds. He wants to marry a white woman when he would have so much better luck finding a tiny woman among the Asian population.

 Being a doctor doesn’t bring as much panache as it used to, especially with women having their own careers. The woman in question is supposed to drop everything when encountering Dr. Wonderful because he is now ready for children. This is indicative of how life with him will be. It is all about what he wants and what will fit into his life.

Since going public with his television interview, he has had two failed dates. This has brought up a discussion if list-making is the culprit. Of course, if you sign up for a dating service or go to a matchmaker, they’ll both want your list. Arranged marriages even have lists too, usually the parents’.

Lists don’t work when you expect everything on the list as Dr. Chynn does. He explains he wants to be bigger than his wife because women in the US prefer their husbands to be larger than they are. This is true to an extent. Keep in mind, Dr. Chynn, that some of those tiny women prefer their husband much taller so they can wear their stilettos.

Women would like to believe fate takes a hand in romance as opposed to friends or co-workers with mercenary intentions. Instead of caring about future happiness of the woman, so-called friends only want to score some free Botox. Dr. Chynn’s search possesses the same air of desperation as The Bachelor television show.  The only other difference, besides one man being model worthy and the other a short surgeon, is their willingness to pick a bride. The television bachelor will pick a bride from the selected women even if they break up later. Dr. Chynn would like an endless parade of beautiful women trotted in front of him as if he were a medieval king looking for a mate.

People in their forties who never marry talk about wanting to marry. Does it ever make you wonder why they never did? They talk as if they woke up one day, and said, “Oh my goodness, I’m getting close to fifty and I never once thought of getting married. Pretty soon, I’ll be too old to play soccer with my children.” This is what Dr. Chynn would have us believe.

The real story is somewhat different. They may have partied, traveled and dated numerous people. They lived a life free of responsibilities and were not answerable to another person. They enjoyed their life for the most part. Instead of marrying, they may have strung out some relationships indicating there might be a future, but failing to commit. Unwilling to give up the perceived benefits of their single lifestyle they never married until one day they realize they were no longer young.  Reality comes knocking. They foolishly believe that because they are now ready to marry eager women should swarm them. Most of the suitable women are now married. Those left aren’t so thrilled at the prospect.

Women are smart to avoid a man who has never married. He has demonstrated the desire not to want a significant relationship, but also the inability to have one. My brief brush with men who never married after forty taught me there was a reason for their single state even if it wasn’t obvious on the surface. Most women know this, just as they are aware that a man who advertises for a wife and offers finder fees is no prize.

Dr.  Chynn will probably marry a tiny, beautiful blonde woman who will eventually leave him for someone who sees her as more than items on a list. While love plays a hand in happy unions, shared backgrounds do too. Maybe Dr. Chynn should be looking for a fussy doctor who graduated from Columbia. Oh wait; he already did that.

Texting Can Fool You

 

I recently read an article in a man’s magazine while waiting for my hair to be trimmed. The newly single fifty-year-old man wrote glowing words of how getting to know women via text was so much better than talking to them face to face. It allowed him insight to their psyche.

I am here to break the awful truth to you. Texting can be a lot like Catfish, the movie and television show, where people develop dating profiles pretending to be someone they are not. Texting allows you to make perfect sound bites that might make you sound playful, adventurous or sexy. With this is mind, those same sexy answers can be stored and used repeatedly for different people. You can even download some pre-written ones into the phone.

 One woman wooed by texting was upset that her potential boyfriend wasn’t charming at all when she met him face to face. He confessed to buying the pre-made texts. The person you thought you were communicating with may not have even typed the text you received.

 Imagine a group of women sitting around the table drinking when you send your would be sweetie a message. She offers the phone to her girlfriends to read the text. They offer their summaries on what it means and then how to reply to it. This man, who thinks he has all this emotional insight to the woman he’s considering dating or may be dating, may have very little insight at all.  Then there’s the problem with texting more than one person at one time.

Yep, I’ve done it. Texting one fellow when another one starts texting. It gets confusing trying to keep the men straight in your head, let alone the texts. You may imply to the wrong man feelings you do not have for him. An aside to my sweetie: I never did that with you, honey.

An example that good texting does not equate good chemistry was brought home with a question a woman had on the New La Mode site. A woman found herself engaged in this texting relationship, which she found very hot. She met him in person and nothing sizzled. Why is that?

One reader pointed out that in person so many things enter into the equation from body odor to manners. You can’t get these via a text. People who think they have chemistry online or via a text want to have chemistry. It is a feeling we create within ourselves. We also make our texting suitor into what we want him to be. Unfortunately, when people meet face-to-face reality often stomps out the budding romance.

Texting often falls flat if you have a sarcastic or dry sense of humor. Typing LOL seems forced as if you have to tell the person something was funny. Without facial expressions, a person can’t decide the meaning you meant. A comment about the woman looking nice the other night appears like a no-brainer. Without an appreciative smile to go with it, the woman might decide the man meant she doesn’t usually look nice normally. She might think he may have thought she didn’t look good and was being sarcastic by using the word nice. If he really thought she looked good, then he would have typed sexy, hot, or gorgeous. By using the word nice, he equated her with his grandmother. Texting is not the end all some men consider it to be.

Then there is the issue of texting while out on dates. The smitten man thinks he’s texting to a woman who is equally smitten, but she’s texting while on a date and enjoying it very much. This plays to her vanity having two men desirous of her company at the same time. It is terrible date behavior.

What is the deal about texting? Keep in mind, your text could be fodder for conversation. The person you’re texting may be preoccupied with other texts, a date, or the football game. Pre-made texts are available for purchase. Texting does not reveal your true personality. If it did, then my personality would be someone who didn’t talk much. The longer you text the more you build an idealistic image of the person.

Meet as soon as possible and do not rely on texts to do the job. The man who was happily texting feels like a teenager again. He never considered the woman he was texting could be texting multiple men, making them all feel like teens too.  By teens, I am not referring to flat abs, but rather a cocky confidence about a subject they knew precious little about. Ah, youth.