Saturday, September 6, 2014

"Taking a Break"

Courtesy of Deviant Art

Who hasn’t heard this dreaded phrase? There are variations on it. “I need to find myself,” or “I need to think about us,” or even “I need distance.” Whenever anyone suggests taking a break, it is the slow breakup. Now, some couples do get together after taking a break from each other. So, it can be good, right?

Not necessarily. The person who wanted to take a break, find her or himself, or needed breathing room, just wanted to shop around without the guilt of being a cheater. He or she was crafty enough not to admit this.  A partner shops when the relationship isn’t valued. There’s a tiny part that worries there may not be a better partner or relationship out there. If there isn’t, taking a break allows them to return without any recriminations or apologies needed.

It is similar to a movie of a few years ago where the wives gave their husbands a free pass to do whatever they wanted for a week. In the movie, the men realize they weren’t the studs they thought they were and valued their wives.  They returned grateful and determined to make their relationships better. All movies… you do realize they’re fiction, right?

   Let’s put this in car terms. You have an old car that you drive around now and then, but don’t put much value on it. You’d probably have no problem lending it to a friend. Might even let the same friend use it indefinitely, especially if you have your eye on a shiny new car. (Keep in mind; you aren’t paying insurance or payments on the car.) Taking a break is exactly what you’re doing with the car. If you never see it again, you won’t be too distressed. The fact you lent it out means it no longer has value in your eyes.

Second scenario is you have the car of your dreams. Years have gone into obtaining this magnificent vehicle. It is your pride and joy. Polishing it and showing it off consumes your leisure time. Several friends have asked to drive it, but you laugh off the suggestions. This is your baby and you’re not going to take a chance with her.

If someone is taking a break from you, face it, you’re car number one.  People often have inflated images of their worth in the dating world. Your partner who needs breathing room could be out for a few months with no results.  He calls you up and wants to hang out, keep in touch, drop by, etc. Translation: you’re good enough for right now until the urge to check out the new dating stock comes over him again.

You see this in relationships when people live together. They’ve lived together for months, even years, when one person confesses they fallen for someone else, a person they immediately marry.

(Hey, wait a minute; didn’t they say marriage was for suckers?) What happened is they found that one person they were searching for. Would they have been searching if they valued whom they were with?

If your partner declares that he or she needs a break, breathing room, distance or another euphemism for leaving, let them go. Don’t pray for his or her return, read articles on how to get him or her back, or even beg for his or her return.

Face the facts; you weren't valuable.  A person who values you wouldn’t take a chance on letting you go. Some people tell themselves it is better to have someone than no one. It isn’t. How can you find someone who values you, when you’re hanging out with someone who doesn’t?

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