Are You Desperate?

I’m currently binge-watching Midsomer Murders. One of the main characters is always on the lookout for the one.  He explains to his married co-worker that as a single man in his mid-thirties his time is running out. The man comes on too strong to almost every available woman he meets. The women shut him down. While this is funny for the viewer, it isn’t so hot in real life.

The viewer knows Inspector Jones is a decent person who has a wide variety of interests and a job. Still, he reeks of desperation. People never want what is easy or even achievable. A perfectly nice guy shows up on the scene wanting to take a woman out and she might even think, “What’s wrong with him?” Never mind the fact she had been complaining about the dearth of single men.

There’s a rationale that a person wouldn’t be single or divorced if they were so great.  Those who use this reasoning seldom apply it to themselves. Most men will tell you they meet women when they actually became involved with one. The reason is they gave off a different vibe as opposed to a man on the hunt. The committed man may be friendly, which makes him much easier to be around. Ask a friend for an honest appraisal of how you’re coming across.

Desperate comes across as needy and lacking in confidence. Despite what advertising tells you is sexy from sports cars to sunglasses. Confidence does it every time. Desperation is the opposite of confidence. It tells people you think you aren’t worthy of consideration. You grasp at any possible date since you expect none. Ever wonder why often the crude bad boy wows women with a few backhanded compliments. He’s telling her he doesn’t need her. While this works for the bad boy most of the time, I wouldn’t advise it for the common man.  The average guy could be more mysterious as opposed to insulting.

The best way to present yourself is in smaller time segments. See someone at work or near work. You could start out by smiling or saying hello. You can move on to casual comments about the weather or the weekend. This sets the groundwork.I also if you put it all out there on the first meet, you have a better chance of being shot down. People react to what is happening in their life on that day. A tearful not interested could be due to bad news, death of a pet or even a loss of a job. Keeping it light allows you to continue to be there without being a stalker.  It allows the woman to make the decision if she wants to know you better.

Once you get a date, don’t explain your need to marry as soon as possible. While the woman may have similar aspirations hearing it, come out of someone else’s mouth sounds scary. Now some people would complain this take time. It does. So far, what has worked?

How does desperate look on women? It is a bit unfair, but women already start with the unearned reputation of being desperate if single and over thirty. Desperate is transforming yourself to look like Malibu Barbie, hanging out at the bar until closing time, asking all your friends, co-workers, and relatives about available men. The last while it seems like a good thing has people talking about how desperate you are to meet men.

Most of your friends know you’re single and up for meeting someone. Broadcasting it all the time is over the top. Constantly reviewing the left hand on a man is obvious too. Although many men in a physical job such as construction don’t wear a wedding ring. Often traveling businessmen forget their rings for different reasons.

You often meet people when you aren’t expecting too. A friend met his wife who was a pharmacist at where he got his prescriptions filled. We are most often able to find a forever type of person when working on a shared passion such as conservation or sports. Do what you want to do from travel to astronomy instead of waiting for someone to do it with. You could encounter someone doing the same thing. If not, you still had a good time. 

Watch how you dress. Clothes can give out unintended messages. Most men would respect a woman who dresses appropriately for an event. A recent trip to the ballpark, I saw several women in T-shirts, shorts and a ball cap. The woman with an elaborate hairdo, spandex dress, and stilettoes juggling her nachos and margarita came off not only as desperate, but also high maintenance.

Like men, hold back on revealing your plans for a tropical honeymoon, especially until after the engagement. Too much, too soon scares people. You can also make the mistake of betting on someone who isn’t worth keeping. People reveal themselves bit by bit. Many short-term marriages occurred because people failed to get to know each other. Often, when we feel desperate we grab at anyone and then are afraid to let go when it becomes obvious that it's not meant to be.

Remember, you are a prize and act accordingly. A man or woman would be lucky to be with you.