The Money Factor

How much does money matter in dating? It isn’t as black and white as religion, or even body size, except for the first date. Men who refuse to spring for the first date cup of coffee or wine get sidelined fast. The interpretation comes across as not interested. Women, who continued dating No Pay Charlie, discovered just that. With this in mind, men can meet for drinks only on a first date, but make sure you pay for it.

Not every man gets that far since his salary or lack of one keeps him out of the dating game. On online dating sites for women described their perfect man differently depending on the country. American women wanted an attractive, wealthy man who was both romantic and could make her laugh. The British females preferred a man with a nice house, good car, and a salary around 100,000 or better (not sure if that was dollars or pounds.) The women who answered the survey wanted men with money. Why is that?

Advertising infers if we’re not driving expensive cars, taking exotic vacations every other month, or live in luxury communities, then we’re failures.  A wealthy boyfriend or husband is the yardstick women use to demonstrate their desirability. Dave Ramsey, financial speaker, takes a kinder approach that women are nesters and want to be sure there’s enough money to keep the nest intact.

I’ve read several online articles and advice columns about lovelorn men suspicious of women trying to part a man from his money. At some point, you need to know the relationship your potential date has with money. Trust me; I once was married to a wild spender. If I’d known about it during the start of the relationship, it would have ended there. The money talk doesn’t have to be the first thing out of your mouth and should never be discussed on the first two dates. If you never make it to date three, it never really mattered anyhow. A date gives hints without you asking.

People measure someone’s success by the model of car or neighborhood they live. Often people can be one-step from foreclosure in an expensive neighborhood while someone else residing in a modest neighborhood has money in the bank. In the end, you’re not dating the car or house.

A high earning individual does not guarantee romantic happiness. Keep in mind, unless your potential sweetie is a trust fund baby, he or she worked hard to get where they are. This means long hours, business calls at night and weekends, and a driven personality. It’s hard to have the witty lover who takes leisurely hikes across the countryside and the millionaire. Notice I didn’t say never.

Financial stability is more important than wads of cash. Most wealthy men aren’t looking to find some down on her luck female in order to raise her up to equal financial status. Keep reminding yourself that Pretty Woman was just a movie.  The moneyed set socializes with the other wealthy families. There are rare cases, but they usually sign an unbreakable pre-nup.

The best advice is to get your own house in financial order. By doing this you’ll attract a like-minded person. Most women don’t want to marry a man with a truckload of debts. Not too surprising, men find this off-putting too. A woman is avidly listening for clues such as home ownership, job titles, and income during casual chitchat. The man is equally on guard for remarks about impulsive spending, overdue bills, and school loans.

Never make the mistake thinking that money will solve your problems. It will disguise them for a bit, but they’ll resurrect like a zombie in a horror movie. Only they’ll bring more problems with them. Often money-strapped individuals will marry or move in with the affluent partner expecting a happy ending. What they receive instead is an uncomfortable union that pleases neither party plus a fear of leaving which manifests itself as resentment.

Before I married the first time, I went through premarital counseling with my ex. What we didn’t do was have financial counseling or even a discussion of money-related goals. This would have been more illuminating than discussing whose parents we’d visit at Christmas. Know who you are financially because it matters.

Impulsive spenders shouldn’t expect happiness with tight-fisted financial conservatives. Each party will view the other as wrong. Most adults don’t want to learn money management. They made it this far and see no real reason to change. Many people in a relationship think their partner’s salary is their money. Not all partners feel the same.

Go out and enjoy your first couple of dates. Look for the red flags that could indicate financial issues on the horizon. It’s much easier to move on before you invest too much time in an individual. There are hundreds of people out there who aren’t a good fit, financial or otherwise. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can change them.

Should money factor into a relationship? Yes. The way you handle your own expenses count. Unrealistic expectations of your future date squiring you to various expensive venues matter too. Don’t make the mistake of thinking your beau had no other use for his or her discretionary income than to spend it on you. As the relationship progresses, expect to contribute to it financially by sharing date expenses. In the end, poor money management should be just as scary as the man who announces he lives with his parents.

The Dating Dollar

Romantic Fondue Meal

Dating is expensive if you don’t believe me. Ask someone who invested in finding The One. You can usually recognize the newly divorced because they sport trendy clothes, a new haircut, and possibly a tan courtesy of a tanning salon. The list goes on as far as physical enhancements both men and women can make to their appearance. None of this is free.

You can gussy yourself up all you want and nothing may come of it, except an outflow of cash. How do you get the most value out of your dating dollar?

·         A fancy car won’t do it. Women seldom date a man for his car despite what the car salesman tells you. A clean ride in good repair should do the trick. If it doesn’t, then she’s not interested in you.

·         Know your online dating services. Scandal-ridden smaller firms are guilty of faking profiles to fool potential clients.

·         In this case, you often get what you pay for. Free dating sites appeal to people wanting to hook up or those already in a relationship testing the waters.

·         It isn’t feasible to hang out every weekend at your local watering hole either. Are you seriously hoping to spend money on expensive cocktails and snacks in hope, Mr. or Miss. Right will sashay by. Even if they did, you couldn’t hear them over the live music.

·         It is good to avoid the meat market and pursue an interest such as hiking, bicycling, or even volunteering at the animal shelter. Suddenly, every encounter isn’t a big deal and it is a more organic way of meeting people.

·         Take a part-time job that appeals to you. This helps create a nest egg and give you more opportunity to encounter people. Consider the clientele before applying. Working in women’s fashion will not introduce you to many single men.

·         As a man, you have to spend money to prove you’re serious.  Most women don’t take a man seriously, if he doesn’t pay for the first date. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date either. The reasoning behind this indicates interest. Some men complain they aren't that interested; it shows.

·         After about three dates, a woman should offer to defray costs by fixing a meal or offering to buy refreshments at the movie. You could alternate paying for dates too.

·         Don’t be taken in by online ads that offer to give you dating secrets. Often the advice is common sense and sometimes it is downright stupid. The only thing it is good for is separating people from their money.

·         The best bet for your dating dollar is restraint. If you want to try online dating, then go with one reputable site. Sign up for a limited time between 3-6 months. Every site will hint it will take a least a year. It won’t take a year to find out the company isn’t flush with folks you want to meet.

·         Don’t buy a new wardrobe. Two or three outfits will work for a while, and then you can gradually add to it.

·         Don’t overwhelm your newfound sweetie with gifts. Not only is this expensive, but it will come off as needy. How will you feel when he or she takes off? You’ll feel a great deal worse if you spend a bundle on celebrating a month of dating.

·         Don’t get in the habit of paying your date’s bills or letting him move in until he gets on his feet. This doesn’t create a balanced relationship. Instead, it stirs up resentment on both sides. In the end, you have an adult who can’t take care of him or herself and the person who enables it.

·         Everyone wants to impress their date, but don’t pull out all the stops on date one, two, three, or four. One gentleman ordered a limo for his first date. They arrived at an exclusive restaurant. His actions charmed his date, but she expected similar behavior all the time. When she didn’t get it, she called him cheap.

·         Dating works out better if it is low stress. It is hard to be stress free, when you realized your date’s selection of  an overpriced bottle of wine means the heating bill payment will be late.

·         If you’re on a date, choose meals, movies, activities with consideration. It shows good manners and you’ll be glad you did, especially if your date specifies separate bills.

The dating dollar should have a budget just like all the other fixed expenses in your life. It will keep you from blowing everything in an attempt to capture love. It will also make dating less all consuming and more fun.

The High Cost of Dating

When I lived in Cincy, I read about the high cost of being a Bengals cheerleader. A typical cheerleader is paid about $60 a game and only does home games. At best she probably only makes about $120-$180 a month depending on the schedule. The same cheerleader ends up paying monthly over $1100 for parking fees, gym membership, tanning,acrylic nails and other associated cheerleading expenses. It isn’t cheap being a cheerleader. Of course, every cheerleader hopes the expenses rakes in major benefits in the form of a modeling contract or an NFL husband.

Ironically stepping into the dating world can be a great deal like being an NFL cheerleader. The men tend to think it is just them who drops cash, but they are so wrong. We women need to get ready before even considering dating. That includes at the base level getting in shape, which may require a gym membership or at best a few workout tapes. Secondly, the hair is the next item from trimming it to dying it, often both. Professionally whitening teeth is important since magazines point out that yellowed teeth are a real aging factor. Then it might be off to acrylic nails and a pedicure. Nails are an expense that keeps on giving. Now that the outside is fixed up it is on to clothing.

After consulting various girlfriends and magazines,the very least you can get by with is new pair of jeans, hot top, dress, killer heels and appropriate jewelry. Depending on the weather, a new coat and boots might be needed too. Definitely some Spanx to smooth out all those extra lumps the gym membership did not trim off. The wardrobe list grows as you continue to date because you can’t wear the same thing on every date. But now it is time to get a date, so you now have the expense of an online-dating site or the pricey option of hanging out at trendy clubs with your girlfriends. If you do meet a guy or two and suddenly you’re spending a great deal of time chatting then it might be time to update your phone package.

Don't forget the incidentals such as parking, gas, breath mints and possibly paying for your date. Many men don’t think they should pay for the first date. They don’t want to think they wasted $10 on a meal for a woman they never want to see again. The woman may have already spent as much as $850 getting ready to date a man who is too cheap to pay for her meal. Who cares if he wants to go out again? A man this cheap and inconsiderate isn’t worthy of another date.

In retrospect, I thought a woman buying her own food made her independent. I’ve met guys who expected me to buy my own food and drink and I did. Did I go out with them again? No. There were about five of them as well as I can remember. One man insisted on buying nothing as we talked for over an hour. When I suggested the restaurant might not like us not ordering something he suggested we leave. Another one barreled up to barista put in his coffee and pastry order before I even could say hello. The other three were variations on the same them.

I tried to honestly evaluate if I didn’t date them because they were tightwads, but that wasn’t it. It was more that they were inconsiderate of my feelings and needs. It made me understand one woman’s profile I read online when I accidentally logged in as a man. A very attractive woman stated she did not do coffee house dates because she worked too hard to get ready for a 15 minute look-see date. If a man was going to date her, then he was going to treat her to a real date where she did not carry her own tray. She also specified that her date should not show up in shorts or a tank top. He had to be properly attired. Her lengthy description of what she would or would not accept included that she expected the man to pay for the date because she already spent enough money getting ready for the date. At first, I thought her profile was pretty gutsy. Later on, I considered her more intelligent than most. Finally, I wondered if she got what she demanded. I hope she did. She definitely had a better chance than most since she laid it out plain.

After all of this, what are the benefits? If I could say I found my soul mate, perhaps John Cusack, then I could say it paid off big time. But I did find someone, interesting that I didn’t totally know. I stumbled across myself, a self I wasn’t that familiar with. Dating has allowed me to do things I’d probably never consider doing including straddling a Harley and screaming my head off at NFL games. I found out that on the whole I am much more self confident than most of my dates. I’ve discovered that I can be charming and witty. Often I found my best date was myself. There were times that staying home on Friday was my preferred choice.

Dating can be very expensive. If I rationalize all the money spent is used to catch a man then I can become hopelessly depressed. On the other hand, if I spent money on myself because I deserved it and I go out simply to have fun then it is money well spent.

What should you spend money on when dating? I would love to hear your answers.