Saturday, February 5, 2011
The Importance of Chemistry
Do you believe in love at first sight? Books, songs, poems, even movies are based on this theory? Does it really happen. If so does it equate to a lasting relationship? Sometimes we talk about having chemistry or sparks? If you don’t have it at first, can it develop?
On one of the online dating sites, you’re able to tell why you closed a match. A member closed my profile even before I even had a chance to send him an ice breaker. His reason was no chemistry. How could there be no chemistry when we never even met in person? He never even read one of my witty emails. I was put out because I was rejected before I even showed up. What probably happened is he looked at my photo and thought not a leggy blonde.
Some of us have an image of an acceptable date/mate hard wired into our system and will not even look at someone different. Think Donald Trump who continues to date younger versions of his ex-wife. When dealing with chemistry, the first thing we notice is visual. Why do you think many guys resort to flashy sports cars? Yes, some women will react to what a guy drives. So even though I am amused that some guys post profile pictures posing with their BMW convertible, speed boat and airplane it still snags them women. These relationships based on stuff are very short lived. I guess it can be referred to as possesion chemistry. What about physical chemistry?
When a male and female are on the hunt, so to speak, they give off pheromones that lets the surrounding public know they are open to advances. Ironically, we douse ourselves in cologne, but that isn’t the smell that matters. While the guy is trying to chat you up, he is trying to get closer. If you’re interested you allow him to move in closer cutting out the other guys for a moment. This allows both of you a chance to see if there are any sparks. We think we are measuring different things like is he funny? Polite? Charming? But what we’re really doing is reacting to his pheromones while noting if he’s funny.
Countless women have related tales of dating wonderful guys who had everything going for them, but when they bumped into the ONE, they dropped Mr. Wonderful like a hot potato. It puzzles the rest of us who were rooting for Mr. Wonderful. What happened is that they met someone they reacted to more powerfully? Think, has this ever happened to you? Dating a perfectly nice guy, maybe even engaged, when someone new roars on the scene and sweeps you off your feet. In the beginning it is all about smell. Your primitive response is based on does he smell right to you. This is done on such a subconscious level we’re barely aware of it. Women are more open to men while they’re ovulating which means men have an even smaller window of opportunity than they even realized!
The next step in chemistry is the kiss. This can make or break the attraction. One study I read was that men don’t even like to kiss. Bad deal for hooking a good mate because most women love to kiss. A smart man knows he can work himself out of trouble with kissing if he can get close enough. A man is able to excite a woman by exchanging his testosterone-laden saliva with hers (i.e. French Kissing.) Suddenly a woman can be more turned on by a guy than she originally thought she wasn’t. She might be telling herself he isn’t a good bet when he starts kissing her, but she soon forgets why he’s a bad bet.
If things get really hot and clothes start flying, a woman can find herself more attracted to a man after sex because of the release of Oxytocin into the bloodstream. Oxytocin is often called the cuddle hormone. Women like to cuddle after sex because they feel all loving and warm because of the Oxytocin rushing through their system. This hormone causes you to bond to the guy even if he’s a bad bet. The male doesn’t have any Oxytocin flooding his system so he may try to quietly slip away. This is also the reason why some women continue to pursue bad boys. How to avoid this awkward scenario? Simple really, don’t jump in bed with a guy simply because he makes your hormones fire. Get to know him first and that takes time.
So yes, you can fall for a guy on first sight, but it is lust, not love. He may fulfill the image you have of a desired date. Your pheromones are mingling well. The man is funny and charming. (Funny goes a long way with women. I will always give a man a second look and a second chance if he can make me laugh. I’ve also broken off relationships with men who seemed to have no sense of humor what so ever.) But does this immediate chemistry equate a long term relationship?
The answer is yes and no. Think here for a moment, have you ever been in a relationship that was purely physical? The physicality was great, but the relationship burned out fast because that was all there was. Too often you see committed men and women drop out of a relationship to chase after a younger, hotter model. The end result is usually the new relationship dies out quickly because it was based on physical attraction only—the chemistry.
On the other hand, many women and men reject potential dates because there is no chemistry. What is the happy medium? Chemistry can grow and develop as you get to know a person. Really. This explains friends or co-workers who work side by side for years until friendship turned into love. Unfortunately, some women will reject a man who doesn’t meet their height or occupation requirements before they even get to know him so there is never any chance of chemistry developing.
I’ve met guys who on first glance weren’t that attractive to me because they didn’t match up to my type template. To give the persistent men credit, they still tried using humor. When I did look again I saw something different. Men I would have initially rejected began to grow on me. How I looked at them changed too. Suddenly, they were much more handsome than before because I actually knew more about them and I liked what I knew.
Chemistry can be an important part of the relationship. It is the thing that keeps you dating when you’re unsure of the guy. Maybe you don’t know enough about him or there is a characteristic that puts you off…but chemistry trumps it. Long distance relationships have to have chemistry to succeed. His kiss has to be pretty amazing to travel hundreds of miles for one. There are plenty of men nearby who would volunteer for the job. The goodnight kiss usually seals the deal for the possible next date so it is very important. The smart man sometimes leaves without a kiss just to leave the woman wondering.
In the end, does chemistry matter? Yes, it does. Most men would never date a woman they could not see themselves sleeping with. Does chemistry guarantee a successful relationship? Absolutely not, there needs to be other foundations to build on besides how well you shake the headboard. Can chemistry develop? Yes and no. You may meet a guy who has all the characteristics of Mr. Wonderful, but you may never fall for him. On the other hand, you may meet someone and gradually get to know him over time and fall for him.
It is a wonderful feeling to look across the room and see your man and have your heart race after you’ve been together for long time. Personally, I’m looking forward to this. But those of you are living it; feel free to share if only to make the rest of us…believe.