Why Are Men Such Jerks?

What single woman hasn’t complained about the men she’s dated being jerks?  Simple translation is she is not into them or they aren’t into her. It could be they are jerks. Better yet, they are trying to act like jerks and are succeeding. Would you believe they are reading advice on dating sites that are advising them to act in such an offensive way?  Most men who are on the dating scene feel who they are and what they have to offer isn’t enough. They either have been told such nonsense by an ex who left or rationalized it because they are currently single.

In their desperation they searched the Internet for help. What better place than a dating website? Wouldn’t the dating service want a person to hook up and live happily ever after? Not really, it is more like gambling. They have to have at least a few success stories to keep people trying, but if all single people got hitched after laying down their initial fee, then they’d be out of business. So what advice is being given?

In an April 9 article posted on Match.com website, one of the things a man is told to talk about himself, as opposed to showing interest in his date. I’ve been out on a few of those dates. A man who talks about all the wonderful things he’s done in his life.  Anyone in sales knows the customer (the date) is interested in how the merchandise (you) will enhance her life. To demonstrate this you must find out what she likes. To make a sale, you show interest in her life which translates into her feeling good about you and whatever you’re selling. A man who talks about himself is considered an egomaniac. You can also look forward to more of the same on future dates. There is something to be said about holding back. What is there left to be discovered if a man blurts out the details of his life on the first date?

If oversharing didn’t win your heart, then the man should insult and tease you.  This almost sounds like an advice you’d give to someone you didn’t like. Remember how hard you worked to get ready for the date? How nervous you were about your appearance? How great are you going to feel about a guy who insults your outfit, hair, or shoes? He isn’t going to be at the top of your list of guys you want to date. Maybe you almost tripped walking out of the restaurant and for the duration of the date he teases you about being clumsy. Probably feels a lot like being out with your annoying younger brother.

  What do you expect a man to do to make a good impression? Usually they show interest in you, excellent manners, and compliment you. Men are urged to skip the compliments or go light on them. I am convinced my ex-husband took this advice. I resented the lack of compliments very much.  Women, in general, do not get as much positive feedback as men which, translates into the need for some significant compliments. If you talk positive about someone, then you feel more positive about the person. So not only is your date robbing you of  the warm fuzzy feeling a compliment would engender he is also robbing himself.

So far ladies, are you impressed? Next on the list is not to plan elaborate dates, just meet for coffee. This works for a guy because he doesn’t have to spend too much time or money on you in case he views you as a dud. That is the feeling you’ll get too. Face it, sitting around in a noisy coffee shop is awkward. You need to be doing something, and it doesn’t have to cost a ton of money either. Avoid the man like the plague who just wants to hang. He shows an incredible lack of initiative and interest.  A guy can plan a date that has stages. If meeting at a near-by restaurant for drinks works out well, then he can move on to suggest playing miniature golf later.

Rushing the relationship is another thing to avoid on the list. I guess that is up to you what is rushing the relationship. There are guys who want to call or text you immediately after the first date, every day, even several times a day…not normal. On the other hand, guys are often advised to play it cool; act like the bad boy who has several women on the line.  After a week or more, he suddenly locates your number. I remember being treated like this, and I didn’t like it so much so I didn’t go out with the guy again. I distinctly remember him blubbering into the phone that he did like me. Just maybe he did like me, who knows? This is one girl who didn’t fall for the bad boys moves.

Let’s look at this as if you were talking to a girlfriend. She tells you she recently went out on her second date with a man who monopolized the conversation. He also insulted her brand new shoes she bought for the date instead of complimenting her. To make things worse he thought it was cool to tease her about having braces at her age. Even though it was their second date they were still meeting at Starbucks. She waited over two weeks for him even to offer the second date. What advice would you give her?  Better yet, what woman puts up with this type of treatment? Remember if you do, you’ll get more of the same and worse.

If you think your date is trying to act like a bad boy, make a bold move and ask him to be himself. You might discover you like the authentic him. That will be a good deal for both of you.

Oversharing

Have you ever been part of a conversation when a person overshared? It makes you think of the person in an entirely different way, usually not good.   Sometimes we would rather not know certain things, and yet when we enter into a relationship, sometimes we want to know all, or the other partner wants to confess all past partners, or insists you do to show your love. First of all, that type of behavior is really a form of harassment. If it was a co-worker as opposed to a romantic partner, you’d refer to it as coercion or bullying. It sets a bad precedent of having to prove your love.

If you’re the one begging to know all the details, be aware you’ll not like what you hear. Of course, your man fell in love with other women before you. Some of them he may have fell hard for, chased after them long, and was eventually dumped by them. Not all his relationships were horrible. There were women that treated him well. Do you really want to know this? Do you want to know that he spent an amazing weekend in Panama City with a former girlfriend as you head out for Florida?

Men and women believe they can judge a person’s future potential by looking at their past relationships. I had a man query me about my divorce, and decided I didn’t present a strongest enough case for the divorce, and opted out of a date. Trust me, after that a grueling interrogation worthy of the FBI I didn’t want to date him either.  Often, we as women try to decide if a man is worth our time by deciding who he dated in the past. There are major flaws with this type of rationale.

Whenever we tell our account of anything, it usually favors us in one way or another. We see it from our viewpoint, and we also see it in hindsight. It makes for a biased tale that is for the most part not exactly true, or even flattering. You may tell your current squeeze the man before him was worthless with no redeeming features whatsoever. This might make him think you have a low opinion of all men. You aren’t much a prize or you would pick better men. It might make him feel not so great either.

Too much information taints everything.  Recently while watching THE BIG BANG THEORY, a drunken Raj decides to relate all the sexual misadventures of the bridegroom, Howard, unaware that it was being taped. Needless to say the bride viewed this latest Youtube gem and refused to have anything to do with her future husband. Because it was a television show they managed to patch it up by Howard confessing he was no longer that despicable man. When you get right down to it, none of us are the people who we were in the past. We’ve changed because of our experiences and choices, usually for the better. Do you want to be judged by your worst dating experience?

Then  on the other hand, you do need to know some things. Some vital information should be shared between couples.

1.       Communicable diseases-men lie about this, especially STDs.

2.       Number of times married, current marital status and children-need I say more?

3.       Pending legal cases-this might end up costing you financially and emotionally if it goes on forever.

4.       Food Allergies-Not too big of a deal, you just don’t want to whip up something that might put him in the hospital.

5.       Criminal record

Trust me, this can have a huge impact on you. You might end up supporting him or being charged with being an accessory to a crime.

6.       Religious/political outlook

Opposites might attract at first, but in the end you’ll just consider one another deluded or brainwashed, which doesn’t bode well for the length or happiness of the union.

7.       Desire to have/or not have children-people assume too much when it comes to this

8.       Finances, including credit score.

I am amazed at how many people do not have a clue about what they spouse makes. They also are unaware how the money is spent. If you are dating a big spender, and you’re a penny pincher don’t expect things to work out well since you’ll always argue about money. A low credit score can keep you from acquiring your own home or a new car at the optimum finance rate.

Watch what you share because it might cause problems down the road. Forget Joe Friday who asked just for the facts. There are facts you share with your girlfriends, then there are facts you share with your guy. Your girlfriends might like to talk about old beaus, your guy doesn’t. He also doesn’t want to hear about previous weddings, proms, or the really great shoes you just bought.  The facts he wants to hear involve the two of you. It makes sense . Do you want to hear about all the great things he and a previous girlfriend did, even if he promised to do the same things with you? Yeah, that’s what I thought .

The Ultimate Date-getter

                                                                                     

For those of you who watched the talented Owen Wilson in MARLEY AND ME, you know a dog attracts women. In fact, Marley (the pup) is even borrowed to pick up women. Part of the reason is people feel less anxious about greeting a dog or a puppy.  If you’re a dog lover and you see someone walking a dog, then you know you already have something in common. You can strike up a conversation about anything dog-related. Who knows where that might go.

Dogs are often used to meet people. Really!  Walking your dog was one of the activities suggested to meet people when you move into a new city. First of all, the dog gets you outside your home where you can meet people. If it is an unusual looking dog then folks want to know what it is. Except for my real life dog who is a cross between a boxer and Rottweiler; people just want to know if the leash is strong. (He is a sweetheart despite his fierce looks.)

The upside on having a macho dog is men are interested because they’d prefer a more masculine dog. Of course, the men I met with my dog had multiple tattoos and sometimes were armed. LOL.  Approaching a man or woman with a dog allows the person to save face if they’re rebuffed.

If you see a guy with a party spaniel, you can ask about his dog without looking like you’re checking him out. Once you get closer you noticed the leash covered the wedding ring. You can make general dog comments and retreat with no major humiliation. You might even get a good lead on a vet or dog park.

In my book, PUPPY LOVE, my main character Theo would not have met the new vet in town without a dog.  The fact she has a dog allows her to encounter him again and again without being too obvious! If you’re both dog lovers then you can start a conversation without all that awkward getting to know you chatter. Shy guys and gals have a leg up (no pun intended) when talking about their pet.

 Sometimes a pet can be a romance killer. My sister relocated her Siamese cat because he took a dislike to all her dates.  Max, the cat, preferred she spend her time with him.

Other times our canine pals can be problem children. Your beau is not thrilled that your dog goes everywhere with you. He may be even less thrilled to discover that Fido sleeps with you. Then there is the issue of his dog and your dog when you decide to create a union. Often the dogs don’t like each other at first. With care, you can introduce the dogs slowly.

I eliminated that problem in PUPPY LOVE, by having Dr. Brent Knight’s dog recently die. Rather cruel of me, but it allowed Theo the chance to be sympathetic. Besides Theo already had an aging bloodhound,  and a crazed chi-weenie.

When asked what made men appear more attractive, the general comment by women was seeing them with children and dogs. I think it humanizes the tough guy exterior. If he is with children they are probably his, which probably puts him out of the dating pool. If he has a dog, he could be married too; the dog, however, does not tell Mommy that some lady in short shorts talked to Daddy, though.

In the movie, MUST LOVE DOGS, dogs were borrowed to meet dates. Got a dog? Need a date? Sounds like it is time to visit the local dog park.