Thursday, May 17, 2012

Oversharing



Have you ever been part of a conversation when a person overshared? It makes you think of the person in an entirely different way, usually not good.   Sometimes we would rather not know certain things, and yet when we enter into a relationship, sometimes we want to know all, or the other partner wants to confess all past partners, or insists you do to show your love. First of all, that type of behavior is really a form of harassment. If it was a co-worker as opposed to a romantic partner, you’d refer to it as coercion or bullying. It sets a bad precedent of having to prove your love.

If you’re the one begging to know all the details, be aware you’ll not like what you hear. Of course, your man fell in love with other women before you. Some of them he may have fell hard for, chased after them long, and was eventually dumped by them. Not all his relationships were horrible. There were women that treated him well. Do you really want to know this? Do you want to know that he spent an amazing weekend in Panama City with a former girlfriend as you head out for Florida?

Men and women believe they can judge a person’s future potential by looking at their past relationships. I had a man query me about my divorce, and decided I didn’t present a strongest enough case for the divorce, and opted out of a date. Trust me, after that a grueling interrogation worthy of the FBI I didn’t want to date him either.  Often, we as women try to decide if a man is worth our time by deciding who he dated in the past. There are major flaws with this type of rationale.

Whenever we tell our account of anything, it usually favors us in one way or another. We see it from our viewpoint, and we also see it in hindsight. It makes for a biased tale that is for the most part not exactly true, or even flattering. You may tell your current squeeze the man before him was worthless with no redeeming features whatsoever. This might make him think you have a low opinion of all men. You aren’t much a prize or you would pick better men. It might make him feel not so great either.

Too much information taints everything.  Recently while watching THE BIG BANG THEORY, a drunken Raj decides to relate all the sexual misadventures of the bridegroom, Howard, unaware that it was being taped. Needless to say the bride viewed this latest Youtube gem and refused to have anything to do with her future husband. Because it was a television show they managed to patch it up by Howard confessing he was no longer that despicable man. When you get right down to it, none of us are the people who we were in the past. We’ve changed because of our experiences and choices, usually for the better. Do you want to be judged by your worst dating experience?

Then  on the other hand, you do need to know some things. Some vital information should be shared between couples.

1.       Communicable diseases-men lie about this, especially STDs.

2.       Number of times married, current marital status and children-need I say more?

3.       Pending legal cases-this might end up costing you financially and emotionally if it goes on forever.

4.       Food Allergies-Not too big of a deal, you just don’t want to whip up something that might put him in the hospital.

5.       Criminal record

Trust me, this can have a huge impact on you. You might end up supporting him or being charged with being an accessory to a crime.

6.       Religious/political outlook

Opposites might attract at first, but in the end you’ll just consider one another deluded or brainwashed, which doesn’t bode well for the length or happiness of the union.

7.       Desire to have/or not have children-people assume too much when it comes to this

8.       Finances, including credit score.

I am amazed at how many people do not have a clue about what they spouse makes. They also are unaware how the money is spent. If you are dating a big spender, and you’re a penny pincher don’t expect things to work out well since you’ll always argue about money. A low credit score can keep you from acquiring your own home or a new car at the optimum finance rate.



Watch what you share because it might cause problems down the road. Forget Joe Friday who asked just for the facts. There are facts you share with your girlfriends, then there are facts you share with your guy. Your girlfriends might like to talk about old beaus, your guy doesn’t. He also doesn’t want to hear about previous weddings, proms, or the really great shoes you just bought.  The facts he wants to hear involve the two of you. It makes sense . Do you want to hear about all the great things he and a previous girlfriend did, even if he promised to do the same things with you? Yeah, that’s what I thought .

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