The Creep Out Factor

This close to Valentine’s Day, it is easy to believe you have met Mr. Right or want to meet Mr. Right. If true soul mates come together, shouldn’t everything work out right? It does in the movies. Well, actually sometimes as women we are so focused on the result that we creep the guy out big time.

Take a stroll down memory lane and think about a few guys you really liked and had happily ever after potential, but vanished off your screen. Dating is strange because people are often looking for reasons not to date people as oppose to continue dating them.

Decide if you have been guilty of any of these behaviors.

1.       Chatterbox. Most women do talk more than men.  A nervous woman might even talk more than normal.  It is okay not to talk too. Give your date a chance to talk. Ask a man questions throwing the ball in his court. 

2.       Okay on my Own Gal. This woman spends most of the date talking about why she’s great on her own and how her life is marvelous.  She doesn’t care if she’s ever a part of a couple.  In an effort to sound confident, she just comes off twisted. The date will feel played and will avoid future encounters. 

3.       The Social Media Stalker. This female sends endless tweets, photos, and pins that she thinks will keep her date thinking about her. He’s thinking all right, weird. It’s better to be mysterious and send almost nothing. Maybe one per week to let him know you’re thinking about him. If he doesn’t reciprocate, get a clue.

4.        Being Too Available. This gal is desperate to catch a man and volunteers to do crazy stuff. On a first date that man mentions he’s in charge of the company picnic, she offers to help.  

5.       Appearance matters. Many men decide not to date a woman because of how she dressed for their initial date.  Before you think this is unfair, consider your reaction when the man you agreed to meet at an upscale Italian restaurant shows up in cargo shorts, tank top and flip-flops. These clothes aren’t bad for walking on the beach, but they don’t suit a dinner date.

6.       Lying. If a topic comes up you don’t want to talk about. Don’t.  Say you don’t want to talk about it. Go to the bathroom. Change the topic, but don’t lie.

7.       The Important Gal- Have you ever been out with a guy who carries on a non-stop conversation about how great he was. Imagine that same person as a woman. 

8.       The Inconsiderate Date.  She’s late to the date. If her date drives to her house, she’s not ready.  She’s miffed when she has to stroll into a darkened theatre.  Somehow, she’s unaware of people around her as she chats loudly on her cellphone or continues to watch social media updates on her phone.  She doesn’t try to make conversation, but instead finds fault with the traffic, the weather, the service, and her date. 

Look over the categories and decide if you’re guilty. Could also be the two of you didn’t click. Too bad, there’s never a survey people could answer after a date. Unfortunately, most would lie on it even if there were.

Dating Resolutions 2014

Online dating companies predict 2014 will be the banner year for the soul mate search, but too many people are willing to grab onto anyone, just to have someone. Your current squeeze may be sucking the joy out of you. Check out if any of these ring true. While I usually write from the female perspective, these same items can be true for men too.

1.       Your date/partner doesn’t make you feel good about yourself. Casual putdowns about your physical appearance or decision-making are a bad deal. The right person not only makes you feel great, but helps you to reveal your personal best.

2.       He/she doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated.

3.       No one likes him/her. You’ve introduced your newest crush to your friends, co-workers and relatives and they all give him/her two thumbs down. Consider that these people would like to see you treated well.

4.       He doesn’t do what he says he is going do. At first, you’re thrilled at all the super-romantic plans he makes for the two of you. He has yet to deliver on any of them. He’s a talker, not a doer.

5.       You find yourself attracted to other people. Get a clue. If you find others attractive, then he’s not doing it for you.

6.       Your find your date/companion boring.

7.       You find his interests stupid or boring. A couple doesn’t have to like all the same things, but when you disrespect his interests, it’s a sign you don’t belong together.

8.       You don’t see a future with him/her. Keep in mind you’re wasting time staying with someone who isn’t a keeper.

9.       You don’t trust him/her.  Trust comes before love. No trust, no love.

10.   Instinct. Sometimes we meet people and we know they’re bad news, but we try to rationalize why they aren’t.

11.   Any show of isolation or control. This comes as subtly as monopolizing all your time so you don’t see friends or family. He also discounts your friends’ opinions to move you away from them. This is the starts of an abusive relationship.

Okay, you know a few things to watch for when you start that soul mate search, but keep in mind it’s okay not to be part of a couple. Try to do things you want to do on your own. Make yourself happy, don’t wait around for someone else to do it. Finding the right person isn’t like the movies where the person shows up in the first twenty minutes after you decided to look.

People who decide what they are looking for have a better chance of meeting that person. Without predetermined goals, we drift through a series of people who may not only be wrong, but actually harmful to you.

Do what makes you happy first. Happy people are so much more magnetic than anxious hunters are. Once you meet someone suitable, remember first dates are for getting to know someone not pre-planning your wedding or future life together.

The Manipulative Woman

Scarlett O'Hara is the most reknown manipulator.

Society is suddenly creating more and more manipulators of the feminine persuasion.  A plea from a famous author for newly graduated female students to talk in their big girl voice and do thing for themselves, as opposed to pretending they didn’t know how to do anything, initially caught my attention. Subbing in the school system, where I observed females of all ages coerce boys into doing their work to the detriment of their own work, added to my belief that females become manipulative at an early age. A novel that featured a heartless female, who used her loyal guy friend throughout the entire book, as the heroine stunned me. She was the protagonist.

The thing that got me about the novel was not only did the majority of female reviewers agree they knew someone like this woman, but they applauded her behavior.  When I googled manipulative woman, I came up with Scarlett O’Hara and Jodi Arias, who tortured her ex-boyfriend before killing him. We can all agree these ladies did not get what they wanted in the end. Still, many women want to be Scarlett.

 Angry Harry wrote in his internet column that men are wired to use things in their environment, while women learn how to use men. Maybe, but I didn’t grow up that way.

Several articles from around the world show this is a problem not just isolated in the United States. How do women manipulate men?

1.       Refusing to answer the phone, or respond to texts or emails from the man. 

2.       They’ll intentionally not bring money to get a man to pay for everything. This will also apply to a friend or co-worker who happens to be male.

3.       Flirt with other men to make their date jealous.

4.       When caught in a wrong, they’ll somehow convince the man it was something they were doing for him.

5.       Pout or cry to get their way.

6.       They’ll show signs of melting down, especially in public, to get their way.

7.       Withhold sex or lock the man out of the bedroom for a perceived wrong.

8.       The man might think he’s in a relationship, but the woman never confesses it online or to other men.

9.       These women use men as placeholders until someone better comes along and they’ll be actively looking.

10.   They’ll criticize their men in public.

11.   Knowing the stigma about men hitting women, they’ll pinch, slap, and punch their dates, especially in public.

12.   The man is called a loser, doofus, or compared unfavorably to other men.

13.   They’ll lie about previous conversations to the point where the man doubts his own memory.

14.   The manipulative woman discovers the man’s insecurities and uses them like a whip.

15.   She’ll hint about the man transgresses in some fashion, never telling him what, only that he needs to make up for it.

16.   She’ll take everything personally.

17.   Weather, hormones, her job, even the day of the week is excuse enough for a bad mood, which she takes out on the man.

The bigger question is why does the man tolerate it? I watched a pleasant five-year-old boy ordered around by two bossy females in class. He was doing their work for them. I told him to stop. He stopped, but looked distressed. I asked him why he was doing their jobs. His brow furrowed for a moment considering the question. His answer was they told him to do it.

That was the simplest reason. He also could have felt important or needed. He could have felt his actions made the girls like him. He might even have been trying to prevent the girls from not liking him, criticizing him, pouting, or crying.

Ironically, the nice guys are always the ones who are sucked into the web of the manipulative female. The manipulative males recognize their own tricks and stay away.

Now, these women don’t just use their wiles on men. Often you’ll encounter these same women at work, at your school, even your church or social group. You know who they are. They’re the ones who throw some awful fit if you don’t do things their way. Often people do things their way just to keep things quiet.

There is the rare occasion where everyone walks away from the manipulative female teaching her something. Unfortunately, there are too many needy people looking for some type of a relationship who will settle for serving this demanding mistress until she throws them aside.

The relationship is more of a slave serving a master than a romantic pairing. What do you do if you find yourself in such a relationship? The best thing is to leave and save yourself. It won’t get better and you’ll not be able to change hard-wired behavior patterns.

At this point, you might ask yourself why you were willing to put up with being treated like a sub-human. Don’t worry, you won’t ever be alone. There are plenty of women willing to use you as an ATM and chauffeur/handyman service. The more important question is why let them?