Saturday, December 4, 2010
Men Reveal Their Dating Issues
As I promised, here is the scoop from the male point of view on online dating and just plain dating. Since they were kind enough to talk to me and answer my questions I will not use their real names. The first topic is getting out there.
Ethan: People assume if you’re a guy, single and not a troll that you must be dating. I haven’t been. I will admit to withdrawing after my last relationship broke up. I didn’t know if I could justify dating again. I know it’s a pessimist outlook, but won’t it just happen again?
Johann: When a man decides to date after divorce, he’s very vulnerable. One woman has just told him that he has no worth to her. That can make the man over react in an attempt to keep any woman who might show him a little interest. He practically becomes a doormat for the woman. Eventually the woman loses interest in a man who offers no challenge. The man is back where he started from only a little more bruised and bloodied.
James: The biggest problem is meeting women. I want to meet women around my age, professional, and attractive. I’m not sure how to meet these women. I’ve taken night classes, gone to church, even joined single groups without much success. I even bought books that advise you to ask women random questions at the grocery or the dry cleaners. So far, it hasn’t work for me. Usually I get a strange look when I try to make conversation, then the woman sprints for the check out.
Mark: I’ve tried online dating several times, several different sites. There are a lot of issues there with women not really wanting to date, but to email endlessly. Then there are the women who post photos that are 20 years old. The woman you asked out is not the woman you get. Makes me wonder what other things they lied about on their profile.
Eric: I’ve been off and on dating websites for a while. Truthfully, I find few women that even tempt me to write. Some people might call me picky, but why start something that you know isn’t going to work out.
Lane: Most of the women I emailed online, never responded, not even an email saying they weren’t interested. I’m not an ogre. I’ve heard that there are more men online than there are women.
James: Sometimes I just don’t think I have the energy to go through with it all again. I get caught up in how much work I put in past relationships just to have the woman walk out on me.
Mark: I wonder sometimes on my way to a date if it isn’t too late to turn around and go home. It would be a lot less stressful to watch television, but then I remember my life plan is not to spend the rest of my life alone.
Johann: Women also play games. Some women are in relationships, but they get online to check out if they can do better. I know men do it too, but when you’ve been caught in one of these games, it makes you bitter.
Zac: Women have all the cards. I see a woman I like. I have to talk to her, get her number, and call her up for a date. At any of these stages, I can be shot down. We could actually date a couple of times, then she makes up some trumped up excuse about needing space. The truth would serve me better. I need to know. How can I stop doing the wrong things if I don’t know what they are?
James: Women get mad when they are stereotyped, but they do it all the time. They might say only thing men want is to get laid. I want someone I can talk to about my day. When the time is right, I wouldn’t mind getting laid either.
Mark: I have to believe that older people successfully date. Older could mean anyone over thirty.:) If I didn’t believe that then I would be hopelessly depressed. Why bother dating?
James: Men have insecurities. Before going out on a date I often play with my hair trying to get my receding hairline to look less receding.
Zac: Women think we have it easy, but I think we have the harder part. I don’t date more because I don’t get the non-verbal message that a woman might be accepting of my advances. You can only get shot down so many times before you stop.
Mark: Then there are the weird dates, you know the ones. Where your date tells you that several members of her family are armed and dangerous and they know she's on a date--so if she doesn't come home on time you're dead meat.
Ladies, that is a smattering of what is going on in the mind of the single mature man (read over thirty-five.) As your intrepid researcher I was willing to go to any length to gather info. Some I actually took from dates who knew what I was doing. Others I gathered from friends and colleagues who gave me squinty-eyed sideways glances, probably wondering if I would take the info to my secret women meetings to be used against them.
So maybe men do have some of the same fears, doubts even insecurities that plague us. Ironically, I didn’t get one man who told me dating was fun. All the books, I’ve been reading on how to date like a man advised me just to go out and have fun, not to have any expectations past the night. I guess none of my informants knew it was all about living in the moment and having fun. I have to keep telling myself that it's about the moment, not the next twelve months.
The funniest comment I received was about a friend of a friend. His seventy-eight year old friend had a date with a charming, attractive, sixty-six year old lady. When asked about the date, he groused, that she looked old. Sometimes what we really need is a realistic view of ourselves before we even try to date.
I would love to hear from you.