Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Elephant in the Room: Sex and The Mature Single Woman

Sex is the elephant in the room that women of a certain age do not talk about. Sure the thought is there, but unlike Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City we do not openly talk about it much. Too bad, we could learn so much from each other. The current belief for online daters is that sex should happen on the third date with the reason being you don’t want to continue dating someone who is a dud in the sack.

Whoa, I don’t feel like I even know anyone that well by date three, let alone want to share my stretch marks with him. In fact, I don’t want to reveal my stretch marks to anyone. But there is another prevailing belief from the other side, it just might be the female side. That is to withstand the sexual pull as long as possible.

Men value what they have to work and wait for. Exactly what your mother and grandmother told you, but being a child of the seventies you rejected it. In both the books, Dating Like a Man and Why Men Loves Bitches, men polled about their reactions regarding sex laid it out plain. They will always take what they can get, but with women they waited for and developed a companionable relationship with resulted in better sex. It became an added bonus on top of a strong union. Women who are having sex on the second or third date throw the man in a quandary because he gets what he wants, but may not even like the woman then he doesn’t know what to do. He may disappear off the radar screen or only shows up for booty calls.

Ever pick out a man that you know would be perfect for you. He meets all your background criteria and he’s not too hard on the eyes. You know the two of you could make beautiful music together, but by date two he is showing some bizarre behaviors. Some of these things may not show up to date six. It would be a shame if you made the mistake of jumping in bed with him. Once a woman sleeps with a man she feels obligated to stay with him. This is more than emotional.

During intercourse, a woman releases Oxytocin, a hormone that encourages bonding with her partner. That’s why women want to cuddle after sex. Men don’t experience this immediately that’s why they can literally walk away and often do. In an established relationship, men can experience an Oxytocin release, but this takes both time and an emotional attachment. Women often have sex in an effort to develop a relationship, but it doesn’t work that way.

In this world, we still live by a double standard. Often on dating profiles men will specify they want women with sexual experience, but in the end they don’t want to think you’ve slept with other men to get it. LOL That’s why the woman who jumps in bed with a guy early on kills the romance. He starts obsessing on all the other men she probably jumped in bed with on the third date and doesn’t like feeling like one of the pack. Everyone wants to feel special.

Truth is he is focused on the chase. It is Animal Planet all over again. Ever watch a nature show where a cheetah is running down the gazelle, what happens when he catches the gazelle? Basically, the show is over, the camera may cut to horizon as the cheetahs munch away. Same with humans, once the chase is over, no matter how it ends, it’s over.

While the chase is on you can show a man how you would like to be treated…with respect. You are a valuable commodity, a very special individual. I remember hearing a comedian say men used to talk about their woman’ s measurements with pride, but now they are thrilled to find a woman with a job and a benefits package. There is a great deal of truth to that. You have more to offer than you even know. Don’t give it away. Men respect what they have to work for, but men can get into the habit of respecting and treasuring you. This was news to me too!

This works only when a man pursues you and is unsure of you. The woman who gave it all up on the second date is no longer treated like a queen. Her guy drops by to eat food she’s cooked and watch some television to be followed by some sack time. Most women call that a relationship, but what does the woman really get out of that? He seems to have forgotten what a treasure he once thought she was.

People forget the short term unless we can implant it in the long term memory. An action or phrase has to be repeated at least SEVEN times before it will go into long term memory. Other studies declare that it takes twenty-one days to develop a new habit and thirty days to break an old one. With this information in mind, do you think a man will be in the habit of treating you like the valuable asset you are in the course of three dates? Probably not.

Wouldn’t it be great to have a man wait on you for a change? Want to please you? I had that once. A perfectionist chef who drove other people into frenzies because of his persnickety ways would always make sure I had a Diet Coke chilled at 31 degrees, a can, never a bottle. Why? Because that is how I liked it. I realize in hindsight he worked so hard to please me because he was so unsure of me. A few of you might wonder why I didn’t hold onto that prize, I tried, but he died.

Women for so long have looked after their man and family, but who takes care of the woman? It has to be you. Don’t sleep with men you don’t want to sleep with—it’s your right. You are never under any obligation to sleep with a man no matter how much money he spent on a date. He had free choice to spend as much money as he wanted. Some relationships just don’t have to go there. By dating, you may discover a friend as opposed to a lover. Set your own time table, it takes time to get to know people. Do you truly want to sleep with a stranger? As for those other men in the past, forget about them. That was then, we’re living in the now.

You may be able to work your way around the elephant sometimes, but other times you run right smack into it. People have a variety of opinions about mature woman seeking out romance. When I was twenty the thought of a forty something woman even considering sex was sickening. Now that I am on the other side of the coin, I feel more alive than when I was twenty. What’s your take on sex and mature single woman? What about the waiting game?


  1. I recently read a study that said men will happily take advantage of sex in a short-term relationship when allowed (as you said). But when they are looking for a long-term relationship, they look for a woman who makes them wait, because that is the type of woman they want for the long-term. I think a woman needs to know what type of relationship she wants before "giving in". If you want to be considered short-term material, go for it. If you're looking for longer-term, you'd be wiser to wait. Men, on some level, know where they are going to assign you, based on your behavior.

  2. Great comment Carly. It backs up what my grandmother and mother always told me. I suspected they were right it just took a few studies to get me to agree.