Why This Time Will Be Different

I am in the best and final relationship of my life. I know it, but it is hard to explain to friends, especially family who tends to doubt. Why wouldn’t they since they watched me struggle through two bad marriages and a half dozen indifferent relationships. What makes this one different, special, and enduring.

The first thing that comes to mind is that we are always positive with each other. We both have plenty people in our lives who gladly serve as a critical friend, which makes it good to have one consistent positive person to go to every time. It is easy to be upbeat about each other because we really do see the good in each other. We look for it, but it is also glaringly apparent because we look at each other with the eyes of love. We want to find what is magnificent about the other…quite a change from previous relationships where it always seemed all my perceived faults were held up for ridicule. Notice I did say perceived, however it doesn’t mean I’m perfect, far from it.

The second amazing element of our relationship is that we accept each other as we are, as we were, and as we will be in the future. How great is that? It’s the best thing I’ve ever come across. Remember the perceived faults that I had and were always held up for ridicule those came about because I did not match up to the model my partner had of what I should be as girlfriend or wife. Instead, I was slightly left of center freak that talked for her pets and talked to her plants. As a non-model wife, I made up words to songs and wore boots, especially cowboy, from October to March. This time these traits make me unique and endearing. Instead of trying to mold me into something else through shame and ridicule, I am appreciated for who I am. This leaves me free to pursue other interests since I’m not wasting time re-inventing myself. I also don’t waste time wondering if I can trust him.

Trust makes me rest easy at night, go to work without doubts, and send off my beloved without a qualm on business trips. Before I couldn’t trust, and sometimes I did trust, but it was undeserved. Men, or at least the ones I’ve been involved with up to now, had huge egos that need constant praise and stroking. They often seek out this stroking from other women. I also know that women will occasionally hit on a guy they know is taken just to test their skills. Why should my man be any different? Why should I trust him? It is almost as if he is entirely different species, the totally committed male. He makes no bones that he is committed and I am the best thing in his life. I worked with dozens of men who never mention their wives in any form. It is as if they don’t occupy much space in their lives. My guy is the opposite since his co-workers felt like they knew me before they met me.

People don’t say it, but I know they think that if I wait long enough the specialness of the relationship will wear off. It will if I let it wear off. My grandparents modeled how to keep it alive. They treated each other as a gift. Each day they greeted each other as if they’d been apart for years. Too often, we women catch a guy and he becomes ordinary. We become ordinary since we no longer greet him at the door or even shower for him when we know he’s on his way home. When you make the decision to treat him as a prize he will continue to act like a prize, it is as simple as that. Many women treat their man like a pair of dirty sweatpants. He’s there in the corner somewhere, nothing to get too excited about. In turn, the man gives the same disrespect right back. It’s a circle of indifference that I’m not drawing.

When women fall in love, they tend to think about their sweetheart all the time. Sounds normal so far, but the real difference comes in the way they think of their sweetheart. Females can and will idealize a man if he serves a purpose in their lives such as providing them with the lifestyle they want or playing the part of the groom in an oversized wedding. But do they really see him? Better yet, do they want what is best for him or they do they just want what they want? A good relationship is when both parties want what is best for the other. I have that. I will do things for my honey that he wouldn’t do for himself. On the other hand, he always has my best interests at heart, both professionally and personally. Is there anything else that could make for a more perfect union?

Romance. Movies, books, songs, and poetry are devoted to it. Often men offer romance to hook the woman, but soon shelf it in order to watch ESPN more. Not my man, he is the romance king. He remembers all our specials days WITHOUT any prompting. He is quick to open a door or pull out a chair. He practices manners that most men have forgotten or never knew. The man can and does dance. He is my romantic hero.

If you managed to survive my gushing about how wonderful he is, you must wonder why didn’t another woman snap him up. Stupidity is my best guess. He thinks it is because he isn’t that tall and he didn’t fulfill most women’s image of what their man should look like. As for those ignorant women, I am grateful for their short-sightedness because I have the best man in the world. Thank you, thank you very much.

The Ring Dilemma

Recently, I stumbled across an article where two pastors, of all people, were talking about the merit of wearing a wedding ring. The first pastor was all for it stating it showed a commitment he and his spouse made to each other. He was blessed his wife chose him. The other pastor was against it stating it was a showy gesture for other people. Both he and his wife chose not to wear rings because they knew in their hearts they were committed to each other.

Okay, so they know they’re committed to each other, but is it a secret? Does he not want anyone else to know? Sure, he might say his family knows, his neighbors, and friends, but what about the guy in the gym? The other day I was working out in my gym when an unfamiliar man came and started chatting with me. He seemed fairly persistent and began to work out where ever I went in the huge gym. Finally, I went over to the treadmill my significant other was on and began to discuss the man shadowing me. He watched the other man with slitted eyes grumbling about the need for a ring to chase off other guys. Would a ring do it? He assured me it would work on most men.

Despite the stories, you see in scandal rags, most men or women won’t chase after a person with a ring on his or her finger. They do not want to waste time on a guy or girl who won’t result in a relationship or at least a date. Why make the effort? What do you get when you steal a guy from his wife? You get a guy who cheats on his wife…no matter who that wife is. Same with the women, a woman who leaves her man for a flirty new guy is a woman who leaves and doesn’t look back.

The more hip people are having their fingers tattooed with a ring as opposed to getting a real ring. It is definitely cheaper. Do you propose in a tattoo parlor? There are downsides to this including when the relationship goes bad you still have the tattooed ring on your finger. Do you spend all your time telling everyone you’re not married despite the ring tattoo? How many people actually believe you? It is very hard to spot the tattoo ring in a dimly lit bar. The upside is it is impossible to take off. It can be hidden with a large ornate ring, a Band-Aid, or even makeup. It is not a sure way to keep a cheater straight.

The double ring ceremony is relatively new. Women started wearing wedding rings in the 16th century. While the double rings ceremony did not start until the 20th century. It did not really become a standard until the thirties. Women wore wedding rings, but men didn’t. Women were regarded as the prize and husbands wanted other men to know their wives were off limits. Men worried about being cuckolded by other men. They definitely did not want to raise someone else’s child…thus the ring. Men did what they wanted, even cheated on their wives. Although it wasn’t viewed as that. It was common to have a wife and a girlfriend, especially among men who could afford both.

Women were probably the ones who insisted on their husbands wearing rings as a sign of their love and fidelity. Of course, it is relatively easy to take off a wedding ring. Many men insist they need to remove their rings for work, which may or may not be the case. The real question is if they put it back on? One wife went downtown for lunch with colleagues and bumped into her husband sans wedding ring. He passed it off that none of the guys wore their wedding rings out. If you’re wondering her husband is an accountant. I mentioned this to my guy and he told me the only reason a man doesn’t wear a ring is because he wants other women to think he isn’t married.

Maybe it makes people feel flirty and unattached walking around with a bare ring finger, even though they have no plans of hooking up with the waitress or the waiter. A married person can’t be single for the day. It is the equivalent of being a little bit pregnant. On the other hand, the person they’re chatting up is unaware that they are married. It really isn’t fair to the other person who is just serving to pump up their vanity.

The ring is incredibly symbolic of a relationship. What newly engaged woman hasn’t managed to use every movie-worthy gesture to show off her ring. She’s bubbling over with pride and joy that’s she engaged to the most wonderful man in the world. Of course, there is the flipside of ring wearing. Those who have been through a divorce know the marriage is officially over when one partner takes off his or her ring. It is the more than the beginning of the end. It is a total denial that the marriage ever was. The woman declares with this one gesture that she was never a euphoric engaged gal or a giddy newlywed, but rather a bitter, discontented spouse with one tiny action.

So in the end, is it better to wear a ring? Yes, and yes, again, because there are tons of single folks out there just looking for someone like you, or me, or my especially adorable guy. We don’t want to waste time on fending off advances. Nor do we want people to screw up their courage to chase after ring less married people thinking they’re single. It really is hard enough being single and getting up the nerve to approach an attractive man, chat him up, maybe even meet him by “accident” a few more times before you find out he’s married. A ring would have saved time and public humiliation.

As for the ring, it doesn’t have to be a diamond, but more of a symbol by the wearer that he or she honors their loved one so much that they will be loyal to them forever. That’s the real reason I am for ring wearing.

Is Remarriage even AN Option?

Those of you who are divorced and read this blog, do you ever think about re-marrying? I know you may pretend not to because things worked out so poorly the first time. You certainly don’t want to go through all that again. Vicki Larson in her current article “Why Divorced Men Are Quicker to Marry Again,” states that not only do divorced men remarry more, but they often remarry sooner while divorced women hold off or may not ever remarry. Why do men remarry so fast, especially considering in the US the second remarriage has a 67% chance of ending in divorce?

The most obvious reason is because they can. The man is usually not the custodial parent if children are involved. I dated a custodial parent once and his whining, demanding child turned out to be courtship dynamite always disrupting dates with unscheduled school events, mother refusing to take him for her weekend, or sudden irrational requests. I understand more how men feel about dating single mothers. Men usually jump back into the dating arena because of ego to prove they are still desirable. No time is spent licking their wounds and questioning their actions that resulted in the last relationship termination.

Second marriages fail for two major reasons. First, you have no clue who you are marrying and their wants and needs. Second, you really don’t know what you want and need from the man and the relationship. In the end, you divorce a stranger because you don’t meet each other’s needs.

Often during dating, we assume an alternate personality. You know the one where you try to mirror whatever your sweetie likes. If your new man is a fan of southern cooking, you’re Tivo-ing the cooking channel in hopes of discovering the secret of baked cheesy grits. In the end, this falls by the wayside because you neither liked cooking nor were good at it. The guy sees this as a sign you don’t care and maybe that you misled him. This is a little thing compared to marrying someone with a prescription drug or pornography habit. Sure, the habit is no good for them but it is ruining your life too, forget ever having a relationship.

How does this happen you wonder? Surely, you reason you could spot an abuser, domestic or drug. People conceal monumental issues from each other. My old pastor remarked that during premarital counseling that he found matrimony-bound couples never even discussed basics like having kids, managing money, and where they were going to live. If you can overlook major things like these in a rush to get hitched, annoying habits, addictions, and bizarre relatives are a blip on the radar screen. A blip you really should have noticed for your own personal well-being

How can you avoid marrying a stranger? Don’t marry on the rebound or in a hurry. I always found the one-year courtship a good bet, but take it a step farther. Meet his family, co-workers, and friends because they will be anxious to reveal facets of his personality that he keeps hidden from you. Have him meet your friends and relatives too because they’ll often pick up on things you won’t because you’re so in love. When I was involved in a whirlwind courtship with my first husband, a good friend told me she didn’t like him and informed me that he’d be a hard man to live with because he had to dominate the little woman. She was right, but unfortunately, I didn’t listen. If almost everyone doesn’t like your sweetie, then there is a definite problem.

Be yourself, shuck the dating personality, and get real. Wear sweatpants and ask him to help you with a particular dirty job like cleaning out a flooded basement. Seeing how people act in a difficult situation is a very important thing to know since life is full of difficult situations. The big decision in dating is often what movie to see. Do something the two of you have never done before as a challenge. This allows you to see how he deals with things he’s not good at…this is quite the challenge for men. Does he embrace the challenge and go about it good-naturedly or does he drag his feet and invent excuses why he can’t do it.

This may seem like a trial by fire thing to do, but wouldn’t you want to find out before you’re married. You think you know who you’re marrying, that’s great. Now do you know what you want out of a marriage and a marriage partner? This is so important. Often people looked at marriage simplistically. The men want a pretty female while the women might want a high wage earner. Of course, the man discovers his arm candy is a mean shrew while the woman finds out her high income husband is a womanizer.

I know neither person would conveniently state their faults, but we have eyes, brains, and ears to observe. First, know what is important to you in a partner. Sometimes you can review your failed relationships to discover what to avoid. I dislike not being appreciated. I spent fourteen years in a marriage where my ex paid more attention to the dog and the television set. With that in mind, I enter the relationship game with a strong need to be valued. Maybe your ex-spouse was critical of everything you ever did, then you may need support and approval in your future partner.

You may think this all sounds like a no brainer, but people marry every day not knowing the person and not knowing what they want from a relationship. Second marriages are often rebound marriages to show the ex they can get someone else. Other times it is a desperate attempt not be alone. In Proverbs, a man is warned that it is better to live on a rooftop alone than be in a house with an argumentative woman. Dyan Cannon asked why such a beautiful, energetic woman would live alone, she commented she really enjoyed the company of men, but would not marry one just not to be alone. She added that she was at a point in her life where she was okay living alone. I guess the question you should ask before remarrying is: are you okay living alone?

If you’re not, you might rethink the marriage because you are marrying for the wrong reasons.

What Scares Men The Most...

A woman with a child scares off the average man. A woman with more than one child sends him running. Women tend to mumble about the man being a jerk when he avoids dating a mother with young children. Let’s look at things from his side for a moment.

When I was expecting, I read several books about what to expect when I was expecting. I knew all about water weight, midnight cravings, and false labor pain, but nothing about how the marital relationship would change.

The various books emphasized it would change, not for the better for the man. Instead of being the lover and the hero, he’s shoved to the side while the baby receives all the attention. Everyone fusses over the mother and the baby. Of course, most of you are saying the baby needs the attention. Newsflash: the man needs attention too. Suddenly, everything is about the child from sleeping patterns to social activities. The mother finds herself cuddling and kissing the baby so much that she actually fulfills her need for physical touch that she has little need to caress her husband. When he wants affection, she’s tired.

The man becomes the breadwinner and the shared caregiver to the child. He gets to squire the child around to various functions with little praise from the child or mother. When the parents finally divorce because there is no connection and affection between the two of them, the mother is angry, while often the father is relieved. Maybe this time he thinks, I’ll find someone who has time for me; someone who will appreciate me for who I really am as opposed to some unpaid servant to the child or children. He also harbors tremendous guilt over leaving his children EVEN if the mother pushed him out.

What the divorced father sees when he meets a woman with children is the scenario he just left. He is well aware of what is like to have three children in three different activities and only one car to get them there. As Americans, we seldom tell our children no and allow them to drive the marriage by default. Most people do not have marriages, they entered into a relationship, then have children and become slaves to those children, fulfilling their every want and creating ones they never even had.

I witness this when I go to my spin class and watch parents mill around for their pre-school karate students. Karate class meets three times a week and is quite pricey. The parents instead of doing something useful like working out instead wait two hours leaning against a wall. They probably don’t have money left for a gym membership after paying for karate. They give up any leisure time waiting and almost all their discretionary funds to the child. This is what the man sees when a woman mentions she has a child. Keep in mind, the man has children he is already supporting and occasionally driving around.

If a man is honest, he’ll also realize it will be a long time before they are a couple, if ever. A mother’s first responsibility is to her children, especially very young children. Teenagers can manage on their own enough to let mom date or enter into a relationship. A few will throw a nasty fit worthy of any Lifetime movie character that mom might reconsider dating for a while. With mothers, everything is about the children. A romantic weekend getaway suffers cancelation due to junior having the sniffles or his Little League team making it to regionals. If a woman doesn’t cancel then she criticized by other women for being a bad mother.

Men will enter into relationships with mothers because there are very few single women without kids. It may not be what he wants, but the woman seems eager at first, welcoming, even affectionate. Of course, while she may see an attractive, amusing man, she also sees help. What single mom doesn’t need a hand? It would be great to have someone to lean on and pick up the kids from daycare. An extra income would help too. These things tend to color how a woman reacts to the man, but it isn’t love, and it definitely isn’t a relationship. You can call it a relationship, even marriage, but it is only a name, not a fact.

What usually happens is the man enters the relationship with doubt, but figures it’s the best he is going to do. He soon finds himself driving the mini-van and spending more time with the kids than the mother. Mom is so relieved to have help that she’s anxious to do all the things she couldn’t do with kids and takes advantage of the newest member of the family. She’ll even indulge in nights out with the girls because it has been so long, she explains to her bewildered man who thought a relationship meant they spent time together.

The man falls into the child cycle where everything revolves around the child or children. His sporty car doesn’t allow two car seats into the backseat, so it is sacrificed. His golf day or poker night interferes with the children’s activities. The romantic getaways for two, morph into theme parks visits with sunburned, whining children. This is not the life, he expected. Often, he’ll probably imagine that he could have stayed married to the mother of his children and had the same life. In fact, the staying married might start to look good, at least he would be raising his own children, not someone else’s.

To pile even more abuse on the beleaguered man the children will tell him how great the absentee father is. If the woman has a cruel streak, which some often do, she might mention that her ex-husband or ex-boyfriends were good at everything from fixing cars, cooking, to being amazing in the bedroom. She probably thinks throwing out these remarks will inspire the man to greater efforts. In the end, he realizes he doesn’t matter in the relationship.

A man may find himself shelved after the kids grow up. He was a good deal when the kids were small, but not the type of guy the mother wanted with the kids grown. In other words, he was a good daddy, but not a lover. He may have felt the relationship go south soon after he said, “I do,” but he stayed because he felt an obligation to her children. He served his purpose and now she’s done with him. He feels just the same as before his initial divorce.

I can understand why a man would avoid the women with children. Their affection is merely a lure to bring them into the family and it fades away under the challenges of childcare. Suddenly he goes from a hero to a doofus who doesn’t remember to buy milk and diapers on the way home. The obvious solution to all of this is to date an older woman whose children are grown. This woman is who she is going to be and will not change once the children leave since they already have. Instead of a three-ring circus with half a T-ball team and a mini-van, romantic getaways are possibilities. Adult conversations are another perk. It’s all out there on the table. No secret desire to have more children is waiting in the wings.

Next time you bash a man for not wanting to date a woman with children, think about his point of view for a change.

Kisses: What They Really Mean

My first date with my significant other ended with a brief hug, more the sort you get in church from a fellow member. I went home and wondered if he really liked me. After all, he didn’t kiss me. Most guys will offer to walk you to a car in hopes of earning a kiss. A kiss at the end of the date seals the deal literally. Sometimes it sours the deal too depending on the kiss. Which brings me to a point what does a kiss mean?

A kiss can mean a variety of things depending on the person who is doing the kissing. Take the kiss on the cheek, it often is a simple greeting by a relative or friend. At the end of the first date, it can mean numerous things from I’m not that into you to I’m really into you. How do you know? Consider the personality of your date. Is he reserved, very religious, shy? Then he might be very interested in you. Of course, if all you’re getting are kisses on the cheek on follow-up dates, you may questions his affection.

Sometimes it is more than the kiss that matters it is what accompanies the kiss. I often see couples kiss in the airport that turn their heads away as soon as their lips touch. This brief brush tells everyone that they feel obligated to kiss as opposed to wanting to kiss the person. A person who wants to kiss you, will take his time, make eye contact, embrace you, before the brief touch of the lips. This tells the intended that she is important and will be missed. The kiss on the fly is more of an obligation like writing a thank you note.

The other night my honey and I went out to dinner with another couple. During the course of the meal, my sweetie picked up my hand and kissed it. My friend confessed later to me she was so jealous. A kiss on the hand implies love, adoration, and trust. Ironically, it is so much more intimate than a kiss on the lips. It gives outsiders a peek into how special a relationship is.

Another very telling kiss is the kiss on the collarbone. First, a man must know a woman pretty well to get this close to get away with this type of kiss. It signals erotic intention. It also shows how smart the man is since women tend to melt into a puddle of lust at this particular kiss.

I used to think a kiss on the forehead or hair was just for children until I read COSMO, which related the psychology of body language of celebs and their hookups. According to their on-staff psych, a forehead or hair kiss shows a protectiveness and adoration. The man is basically saying, “I ‘ve got your back.” What I shied away from as the sister kiss is so much more than I ever thought.

Think about it, most men see kissing as a way to get women in bed. Kisses that don’t push you toward the bedroom, but are a celebration of the specialness of you mean so much more. In fact, their very existence means when you make it to the bedroom things will be so much better, than if you just engaged in deep throated kissing.

According to relationship expert, Mabel Iam, popular radio and television psychologist, a kiss accompanied with an intense look of endearment signals love even if the kiss is on the cheek. This is what I consider a movie kiss. Both people look at each other adoringly before kissing. In the movie, it tells the audience that they are going to kiss and get ready for it. In real life, the couple communicates their love for each other via eye contact, then they kiss. It allows anyone watching to know how special they are to each other.

Pubic affection—we’ve all witnessed it and been a bit grossed out by couples who tend to act like they’re auditioning for a R-rated movie. A discreet kiss is always in good taste especially if it is done as a natural gesture as opposed to impress the people watchers. Often women tend to wonder about their man if he won’t kiss her in public. What’s the deal? Is he trying to look like he’s not attached? Maybe, especially if he refuses to hold her hand.

Should couples check their kisses in front of relatives and children? It all depends what image you want to give out. If you are trying to reinforce the image that couples can’t stand to be around each other, go ahead, withhold your casual kisses and hand touches. If you want the children to believe that love isn’t just for the under twenty set, go ahead kiss, hold hands, even dance together. It is sure to freak them out and impress them on some tiny level.

As for kisses, they have their own language. Don’t give them out without any thought. Make them count.

The Lure of Ex-Boyfriends

Men are contrary…there is nothing that appeals to them more than a woman taken, especially if that woman used to be theirs at one time. How many of you swore when you broke up with your guy that he would see that you were the best thing out there. He’d regret leaving the best thing that ever happened to him. Maybe you even kept tabs on him to make sure whomever he was dating was so much worse than you. Then out of the blue, he calls, texts or emails you. Maybe he bumps into you at your favorite retail store. None of this is an accident by any means.

There is a chance he suddenly realized you were the best thing in his life. Not hardly, but what really happened is his last girl dumped his butt and he’s out trolling. In his attempt to find a female to soothe his male ego he goes back to all the women he dated. It is an easier fix than totally starting new. He’s assured that they liked him once. The man knows you, knows what you like, or how he hurt you. Never fear, he’ll reach into his bag of tricks and offer you things he never gave you in the relationship. You wanted emotional closeness, he’ll confess he did too and now he’s ready. Of course, what happens when you reveal you already have a honey?

The mention of a current honey may discourage some, but not all. For many the lure of competition only eggs them on to compete for a woman they did not want before. This is where the old boyfriend shines surprisingly, by bringing up revised old times. In his version, you did not call him every name in the book and cursed the day he was born. His best bet is to tell you he’s realized you are the woman for him. He then pulls out everything he wants to do for you. Not surprising, all his promises are things you wanted him to do, but never delivered on the first time around.

As women, we want to believe. We want to believe that he’s changed, that we are the best thing in his life, and that he will deliver on all the promises. Chekov in Star Trek, used to quote an “alleged” Russian proverb, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” You’re too smart to fall for this. If you’re weak, taken in by his professionally whitened smile and well-rehearsed lines, pull in a girlfriend. She spent over two weeks propping you up after the break up. She is so not willing to do it again.

What about your current honey? The guy who delivers on his promises and stands by your side, what about him? Some of you might quibble that he’s okay, but you’ve become fascinated by the one that got away. Ladies, he’s a cobra and will bite you in the end. Part of your current allure is that you’re taken.

Why would your ex treat you better now? By even entertaining the thought of seeing him you’ve just proved you have no standards by crawling back to him. You’ve shown him that you don’t have much backbone and little intelligence. You also just gave him permission to treat you worse than he did before. Is that what you want?

But wait, you might insist, I am only talking to him. I have no plans to see him or drop my current guy. That’s what your lips say, often even the act of contacting him to tell him you’re taken is viewed as an invitation. Your ex-boyfriend does not want to be your friend. All those people who say they are friends with their exes, I wonder what their true intentions are. Often, a man likes to keep his options open and have the ability to hook up with an old girlfriend now and then. He keeps this path open by contacting her occasionally via text, or a “like” on her status on Facebook, even bumping into her at her favorite store. You wonder how many times he showed up there to make that happen. I’m not sure what a woman’s intentions are since I’ve never had any luck with being friends with an ex. Get real here, you break up under bad circumstances. Every contact you have will remind you of those old wounds, why torture yourself?

Why are you bothering to even give your ex the time of day? Often we reinvent memories, maybe things weren’t as bad as they seemed. Maybe you misread him or some other nonsense. You make up some lame story that you’d ridicule your friends if they came up with it. About this time, someone needs to dope slap you and say, “What are you thinking?” Did you not notice the man by your side who adores you. Unlike your ex, is here for you. Why do women, and men, go chasing after bad news exes?

They believe in the fantasy their ex spins for them. Some women claim they want closure. I always considered a breakup a very definite closure. Some women are just greedy and cruel. They are greedy because they can’t seem to resist any man, even when they know it will end badly. Maybe that should be stupid instead of greedy. They are cruel to their current honey who they throw away in a hurry for a chance to chase a dream they’ll never catch because it does not exist. Ironically, they are also cruel to themselves because they will find themselves back in the same emotional hole that they managed to crawl out of with great assistance from their girlfriend before. This time their girlfriends probably won’t be so accommodating.