Thursday, November 22, 2012

Breaking Up with Your Ex...Again

Breaking Up with Your Ex

Most people would think the very word ex might indicate this person is no longer in your life. Someone forgot to tell them, and you have to act like it too. A clingy ex or an inappropriate relationship with your ex can keep you from meeting quality people. Your ex is baggage. You can determine what type of baggage you are going to allow him or her to be. Is he a carry-on bag you can easily toss in the over-head, or is he a steamer trunk that you have to tip three skycaps to wrestle onto the luggage scale?

Steamer Trunk Ex

Your ex may have dumped you, but still visits. You rationalize that you still have children together, but he stays to talk to you. He even sends you expensive gifts and flowers and signs the kids’ names. When you question the children, they know nothing about this. She even insists you sit together at your children’s events. You might even vacation or do birthday parties together for the children’s sake. When you try to explain that your current sweetie isn’t cool with it, she piles on guilt indicating you’re a bad father if you don’t comply. Someone in this miserable triad is invested in appearing to be a family. A good question to ask yourself is if it is you. No intelligent person would like to be a part of this dysfunctional threesome.

Overweight Suitcase Ex

Your ex is behaving like an overweight suitcase when she calls all the time about everything. Often he or she pretends to be worried about the children, but all she or he is really doing is grabbing your attention, and asserting control over you—rather like in the marriage. The questions are about things she could have easily googled, but preferred the option of irritating you.

If she can get your current sweetie riled, then it is all the better. This explains those late night calls, the early morning calls, and the calls while you are on vacation, or even your honeymoon. Have a Facebook page, defriend her/him immediately. There is no good reason to be friends with your ex. Your continued connection to your ex via social media tells your current squeeze that you either want to or intend to hook up with the ex in the future.

The suitcase ex wants your attention and she’ll do what she can to get it from using the kids to hauling you into court for more money on non-existent issues. She’ll stage events such as car or plumbing problems, or even an attempted suicide, so you can rush in fix everything, and go back to the way you were before she dropped your butt.

Some women are anxious to jump in the fray and defend their sweetie from their nefarious ex from vandalizing her car to calling her boss to get her in trouble at work. This is helpful how? It shows more that if you haven’t set boundaries with your ex, then you will attract people who do not respect boundaries.

(What is the difference between steamer trunk and overweight suitcase ex? Steamer trunk ex is when both parties willing participate in the on-going relationship. Overweight suitcase ex is when one party is passive and allows the ex to leave boot prints all over her or him.)

Average Size Suitcase Ex

Most people claim they’d prefer a person without baggage implying someone without children, or an annoying ex. Good luck with that, even people who never married, still have exes, sometimes stalkerish ones. A person who has never had a relationship should make you cautious too.

Average suitcase baggage involves seeing the ex at events. Be nice, but distant, some exes will act badly in public because they can get away with it. Trust me; I have one, who wanted to pose for pictures with his arm wrapped around me. He figured I wouldn’t be so rude to refuse to do this at a graduation or wedding. He figured wrong.

Keep communication at the very minimum. Texting is good. Calls often get acrimonious because we fall back into old habits. Emails allow the ex to air grievances with you, delivers attention, gets your blood pressure up, and your current sweetie gets the fallout.

The Carry-on Ex

This is what we should aim for with all our relationships. If an important issue comes up such as you are fearful of pools because your ex tried to drown you, please mention it. Otherwise, table all talk about your ex. Any talk even about him being a low down snake in the grass is not needed, ever. When you do this it doesn’t flatter your current sweetie, instead he gets reminded of your previous guy and your connection, he also get an angry woman on his hands that he did not earn, it also takes away from your current relationship. Troublesome, mean, or crazy as all get out exes just make you look bad. They make your current sweetie wonder about you and worry if he is somehow similar to your ex since people tend to favor types.

The carry-on ex is forgettable. She isn’t in your everyday life. She doesn’t show up at your house unannounced. She may be at events you both attend, but she doesn’t try to chat you up, or glare daggers at you. She treats you like a carry-on.

I remember starting to work at a new company. One female co-worker was a very angry woman. I was told never to mention ex-husbands around her, or men in general. I tried, but she still badmouthed her ex-husband. I asked a fellow employee how long she’d been divorced. Twelve years---talk about a steamer trunk, but it was pretty much of her making. She kept the hate and dissension alive by talking about it daily. There was no new man in her life because she gave up all that space to her ex. It is hard to believe any man would dare to get close to a woman that angry.

If this woman wanted to demote the importance of her ex in her line, she could quit talking about him. She could accept they had a relationship that didn’t work out, and accept her part of the blame. She could find other things to do besides talking about her ex and monitoring his activities. Who knows maybe he could turn into a carry-on.

One last word about dropping your ex, do not hang onto the notion your ex is a go to friend when you’re down. Your ex is not your friend. He may have been once, but no more.


  1. A detailed in informative blog about relationship. I just wish to give a huge thumbs up for the nice info you’ve here on this post. There is a big community of the people in the society who are confused about how to start dating again after divorce. Bookmarked, will come again for more.

  2. Hi Stephanie,
    Thanks for commenting. Checked out your site, which is very nice. I used the services of a dating coach, and I must say it turned out well for me. :)