Sunday, June 23, 2013

"It's Not You"

Who hasn’t heard the classic break-up line; it isn’t you, but it is me. Probably rolled your eyes when you heard it, maybe even replied with a few sharp words of your own, after all if it wasn’t you why break up? Good question, but what if it really wasn’t you.
Often when the ex is dumping you, he or she really believes it is your fault and trots out this tired excuse that he or she thinks makes them sound kind or even heroic.  Well, it doesn’t. It is right up there with changing your social media status without informing you.
It wasn’t you in the ways you might think. Many exes not only leave you, but give you a list of things you could have done differently. This is adding insult to injury. It also allows you to fantasize about getting back together because now you know what to do to make it work. Wrong.
Few people are self-aware enough to know what caused the breakup. Most of the time, a list could have been lifted from the Internet, a girl friend or a magazine. Even the list isn’t original. Sigh.
A recent blog got me thinking. This woman readily admitted that she dated several nice guys who treated her very well. They did whatever she wanted. Gave her everything on her list, but she longed for chaos. She wanted the bad boys who would have sex with her in a skanky bar restroom, then didn’t call her. Probably because they couldn’t even remember her name, let alone her number. She delighted in her behavior by saying she didn’t deserve the nice guys, but she had an interesting life instead.
Really, an interesting life she calls it where she dies from multiple STDs or ends up beaten to death by her latest lover. Of course, she could become an aging bar fly whose bad boys become older, balder and heavier. This type of guy or gal tells you it isn’t you and is gone before the door fully slams shut. You aren’t missing anything there. Too often, they find they aren’t the hot commodity they originally thought and come crawling back. Don’t take them back. You’ll play out the same scene over and over.
Sometimes their ex played out this scene and wants your current squeeze making your guy or gal drop you as if you were dynamite. Why is this? Wasn’t  his or her ex the one who left? With you, your sweetie has a sure thing, he or she is the winner, but with the ex the game is still in play. He or she is anxious to win this time. Often there are children involved and your sweetie wants to put together the whole family set.
Sometimes, the priorities are not stacked in your favor. What this means is you often rank near the bottom after work, friends and sports.  When he has time for you, then you’re good, but often he doesn’t have time for you. Any woman who wants more, often sees the back of this man. This is not a man, who desires a real relationship. He would be better off renting a girlfriend.
 Some women will be so bold as to tell a man he doesn’t have the right look. Many compliant men will buy a new wardrobe, hit the gym, even, get hair implants if they think it will keep the girl. It won’t. This is just another lame excuse. You as a person should be enough. If you aren’t, then obviously you hooked up with the wrong person.
We all have emotional baggage if we managed to make it out of our twenties. Sometimes your ex’s emotional baggage tumbles all over you ending the relationship. It is ironic because often you might be attractive to your sweetie because you resembled the ex in some way. He or she may never confess this to you. The lure of the familiar brought you together, but it is also, what drives you apart. Look like the ex, then, you get loaded with all the baggage from the ex.
Sometimes dates don’t make it into relationship territory.  Someone might stop dating you because you do something like the ex or just happen to like similar things.  I quit seeing a guy because he reminded me of my ex too much. I did tell him. He admitted there was little he could do about it. I liked my ex once too, but I would probably anticipate the relationship going down the same road and maybe even hurry it along a bit. It could even be your name. If you have the same name of a despised ex, then  don’t expect a great outcome unless you are willing to use your middle name.
Odd things will set people off deciding not to continue the relationship from religion, culture, friends and your patented dislike of televised sports. If someone wanted the relationship to work out, then it will, simple as that. Well, maybe not that simple, but they wouldn’t trot out the old breakup line. Nope, they’d stay. Those who walk choose to do just that. It doesn’t mean you’re totally innocent of any wrong doing in the relationship, but trust me, it wasn’t just you.

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