The Compromise Line

An Austin man has made the news as far away as England with his self-made website defining what type of girl he would like. Maybe he heard about Dr. Chen’s matchmaking efforts.  The self-styled rocker offers a list even longer than the good doctor’s including a refusal to date women with kids or plans to have kids, wears glasses, smokes, or doesn’t dress conservatively. I read his requirements and initially thought he was picky. Judge for yourself, here’s the link.

I disliked the part where he lumped all women engaged in online dating as unacceptable.  His view was if they were something special, they could meet men the regular way. I am assuming the normal way must be designing your own website and offering to drop a thousand or two for someone who will scare you up a date for money.

It is easy to make fun of this man who late one night came up with an idea to advertise for a companion. Still, isn’t that what everyone does, from the woman who dons a minuscule black dress to go clubbing to the engineer who carefully words his online profile? I think the real problem here is compromise.

Recently, I had a fortuneteller tell me I would always be disappointed in men since I had an idealized view of romance. She must have told all her female clients this and they readily agreed. It may be true for most, not for me though since I have a practical view, which involves some compromise. Many women want a bad boy to wow her, while a stable boyfriend sees her through her daily struggles. It is similar to a man looking for the Madonna and a whore in one woman.

Our hopeful Romeo in Austin didn’t have any worse attitude than many. His mistake was writing it down and publishing it online. Anyone who has ever completed a dating profile knows there is a section you can check for race, age, religion, and body type. Many men and women manage to work in specifics about height, hair, and eye color too.

The personality traits we try to discover through premade questions require a month of emails to decide if someone is datable. What is the big difference between the guy in Austin and every other man out there dating?

There’s a feeling that he isn’t willing to compromise on anything. He wants what he wants, rather like a five year old. What he really wants is a clone of his old girlfriend who dumped him after eleven years of always being there.

I believe everyone has an idealized image of the perfect date/mate. Most don’t bear any resemblance to people living or dead. When you actually get down to dating, you have to decide what you can’t tolerate. What is the deal breaker or is there one to begin with?

Going back to our friend in Austin, he decided he didn’t want a smoker after dating one for eleven years. Of course, the initial response is why did he date one for eleven years? She must have had other traits that outweighed the smoking.

This is compromise. You decide if the good outweighs the non-existent. Notice I didn’t say bad. A guy who shows up with flowers once a month can never outweigh being a raging alcoholic. Still, a thoughtful man who opens your car door trumps any six-foot man who rushed to the car to get in first as if calling shotgun.

Relationships often end because people do not understand the need to compromise. Often people want desperately to be a couple, yet want all aspects of their life to remain the same.  There is no compromise involved. To create good relationships and even find a date, there needs to be some concept of compromise.

Women tend to date with the future in mind while men date in the present. What this means is women will look at a man and decide if there is a future with him. Men will look at a woman as all right for now. The problem with both of these outlooks is it is still about one individual as opposed to the two involved.

In arranged marriages, often the family will advertise for a mate. Half the page is devoted to the traits they want, the other part is what the potential spouse will bring. Most hopeful daters forget this part. What are you bringing to the table?

I noticed the Sleepless in Austin website went on endlessly with I want messages. He also told you dozens of things he liked and didn’t like. It was all about him. A woman could piece together that he’d be opinionated, demanding, willing to date endlessly with no commitment.

He wasn’t able to see he was not the same person who dated his original girlfriend those fifteen years ago. The search for the ideal woman is going into its fourth year. He shouldn’t expect the same type of girl because he’s changed. Some of those changes may have sent his original girlfriend on her way.

He needs to compromise his standards somewhat. While I admire a healthy self-confidence, often it isn’t merited. The compromise line is a tricky one to walk. You give too much, then, you’re resentful. If your partner feels you don’t give enough, then often he or she will use this as an excuse to leave. It is a shifting measure too. Sometimes your partner gives more. Other times you do. There can be no real relationship without compromise.

A lesson Sleepless in Austin might do well to learn, but others who are hoping to make a love connection would benefit from it too.