Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Are You Invisible in the Dating World?

Why is this woman ignoring the man? Could be she doesn't really see him
or has already classified him as not important. He doesn't stand out in her mind.
She's heard it all before. He could benefit from being authentic as opposed to stale one-liners.

An article by William Mize started me thinking about why people don’t meet appropriate potential dates. It’s because we’ve made ourselves invisible in several different ways. It doesn’t mean that we’re not a catch; it just means people never look at us or spend enough time around us to notice.

William Mize theorizes in his article that men over forty are invisible. Think of teens and college age males often wearing odd outfits, talking loud, posting endless selfies online, and constantly active. Plenty don’t do these things, but they don’t attract attention either.

 Consider your wardrobe. Does it attract the eye? Many women would be shocked to discover how much more noticeable they’d be by wearing something feminine or with some color.  My own sweetie lived in a world of beige, khaki, navy, and black. Not bad colors, but they caused him to fade into the woodwork.  After I gave his wardrobe a color boost, people started noticing him, especially women.

Be different somehow. What is different about you? A radio show on online dating discussed that online profiles tend to run together since people say the same thing. Almost everyone talked about loving life, long walks, and laughter. One DJ pointed out that everyone likes those things so it’s a given. If you are an astronomy buff or remodel period houses, mention it. Sure, not everyone will find that fascinating, but the right person will. Update your online profile monthly. It will give you more opportunity to meet different people.

Be realistic. Many RomCom movies feature a woman chasing after a man out of her league, while a perfectly acceptable man stays unnoticed by her side. In the movie, she eventually realizes what a treasure she has in the man next to her, not so in real life though. Mr. Mize pointed out if you’re a forty something man with kids, then your best bet is a forty-something woman with kids, not her twenty-year-old daughter.

Some women complain that they never meet any nice men. First, they don’t go places where nice men hang out. Instead, they frequent clubs or bars with reputations as meat markets. People looking for a one-night stand frequent these places with absolutely no intention of settling down or even revealing their last name.  Nice people go to their children’s sporting events, have hobbies, are gym members, and sometimes, church members. They get out of their house and go to the library, street fairs, farmers’ markets, and events.  Single people are everywhere, except your house. Staying at home will not put you into contact with a potential date.

Most people want companionship. It’s not very much fun to eat alone in a restaurant or attend a movie solo. The fear of rejection is what keeps many people from trying.  True, you might talk to someone on the elevator and it goes no further. Consider it practice. Go places, do things, smile at people, and make casual conversation.

Negative self-talk keeps us from being bold. Remember your younger self, or channel the smooth operators you envy. They aren’t any better than you are. Most of the time they have a lot less to offer, but what they do have is persistence and a strong ego.  Dating or just finding a date is a numbers game. Unfortunately, too many people accept lackluster relationships because they found one person willingly to date them.  Expect more, realistic more, not super model more.

Are you blending into a beige landscape? Do you avoid making eye contact or talking to strangers? Do you dodge events or avoid going out because you have no one to go out with? When you do go out do you layer on the makeup and squeeze into revealing clothes? This can be as off-putting as not being out there. The person hoping for a relationship sees the fa├žade and assumes you’re not his type. This applies to the men too. Of course, their version might include too tight pants, toupees, and jewelry worthy of a rap video. The most important thing you can do is be yourself. The second most important things is take yourself out, talk to people, smile. Go outside your comfort zone. It is a scary place, but that is where your potential dates reside.

What he's doing right includes being out where he can be seen and smiling.
If one of the women looks back, she'll see his interest. She might keep walking,
or find another reason to pass by his table.

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