Sunday, August 10, 2014

Love Hurts!

Ever wonder why intelligent people go back with exes who treated them shabbily? Could be that they’re lonely or time away from the ex makes him or her seem less horrible. Maybe they’re a rotten judge of character. Actually, it is more than that, according to an article in A New Mode.

1.       Often we think the man or woman is irreplaceable. Reminds me of Beyoncé singing Irreplaceable, which is about a woman who knows her boyfriend is cheating on her. He throws back that she’ll never find anyone like him.  Forget your ex, there’s plenty of people just like him or her. Ironically, we always think we won’t meet someone else as good. Sounds like some brain washing might have occurred during the relationship.

2.       You sold out. You did things you never thought you would do. You compromised your standards to please a difficult ex. It is hard to deal with a breakup, but most of the pain comes from how much of you that went with your ex. Pieces of yourself that you willingly invested in a dubious relationship can’t be retrieved. Many men and women think by getting back together they can salvage a relationship or at least their credit rating. Nope. It is an opportunity for more of the same.

3.       It’s infatuation. Infatuation doesn’t allow you to see a person as he or she is, but rather as you wish they were. Infatuation blinds you to reasons why a relationship was never long term, even though your friends may have mentioned this a time or two. You somehow miss the flaws and behaviors that cause a union between the two of you to be a no-go.

4.       You miss how you feel with him or her. It’s the feeling, not the person. A wife of a bigamous husband confided she missed talking with her husband at night about what went on during the day. She missed that closeness, not necessarily the two-timing rat. Most people miss having a significant other to go out to dinner with, movies, and events.

5.       He or she was your whole life. You hear people make these type of statements, but it is often true. Many a woman or man lost contact with friends or family by putting their energy and time into a relationship. Hobbies and activities that used to part of your life fall by the wayside.  Often the left partner has given up almost every aspect of their old life to be little more than an unpaid assistant and bed warmer.  It’s hard to get back to a life when you threw almost all of it away.

In summary, you see the pain is real and lingers. Getting back together with your ex won’t fix it. A temporary reunion might happen, but your willingness to have your ex back means you’ll only be hurt worse when he or she leaves again. Some couples engage in relationships where they break up and get back together numerous times. That’s not a relationship; that’s hooking up.

Breakups hurt. Even though your friends have plenty of advice, from getting back into the dating pool to a spa day, the truth is it takes a while to recover. Many people, instead of doing the work they need to recover, rush into another marginal relationship.

Breakups, divorces, even the death of a spouse is not something you get over in a couple of weeks. Here are some things you can do to speed up the process.

·         Cut all contact with the ex if possible. Don’t be friends on social media. Don’t ask friends about him.
·         Don’t talk about your ex…even if it is a bitter rant. Two weeks is your time limit before your friends get bored of the breakup summary.
·         Develop your life. Do things you want to do. Don’t wait to be part of a couple.
·         Forgive yourself. We’re all guilty of doing things we wish we hadn’t while chasing love.
·         Remember to love yourself, which is probably the most important thing to do.


  1. Replies
    1. Thanks. Experience doing the wrong thing is good for something. Often helping people from making similiar mistakes.