Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Avoiding Emotional Affairs ( His and Yours)

I got in an argument once over if a one time fling was worse than an emotional affair. I put my money on an emotional affair. Why you might wonder with a fling they actually did the deed? An emotional affair takes time and investment. It also takes planning, energy, and thoughtfulness not invested in a regular partner. The fling may be a one-time thing brought on by being out of town, having too much to drink, and a poor self-esteem. It might never happen again.

The emotional affair if you want to call it that is just another name for courtship. It is the wooing that occurs on dates, without actually going out. A real win-win for the guy or gal indulging in one because no real money is spent and it cannot be passed off as an affair. It is the first three steps of having an actual affair.

Notice I said, three, not one. The first step is contemplating one. The second step is finding a person you would consider a possible partner. Although, sometimes this is reversed because a person can enjoy time spent with their work wife or husband so much that they might consider an affair with them. So how do you put an end to this type of behavior?

First, all the time and effort you are putting into your work husband or ‘close’ friend, invest it on your current relationship. My sweetie and I went to a nice Italian restaurant in New York. We asked the waiter to take our picture together. When the waiter took the camera to take the photo, it caused various men to duck under tables as not to be in the picture. They were not with their wives; we figured that out by their behavior and conversation. The restaurant tended to run to expensive, even by New York City standards. If the men in question, would have spent the money and effort they’d put in their mistresses into their wives, then they have happier marriages. We all enjoy being treated like the woman he is trying to win, as opposed to be disregarded as the woman he won.

Jealousy, apathy, and constant criticism will send your loved one to someone who will find something wonderful about him. How do you act at work? You probably don’t criticize your co-workers, at least not to their faces. If you’re a smart employee you compliment your co-workers to keep the work relationship intact. This is sometimes more positive attention than they get at home, and they will naturally seek out more of it. Who wouldn’t? Then suddenly you start having lunch together.

The jealous partner who puts his or her energy into suspecting something is going on will usually inadvertently encourage that type of behavior. For the most part, men are not the players they are portrayed to be in books and movies. A man marries, and expects that’s it until his wife constantly questions his movements. Suddenly, he’s been told he’s affair worthy. He starts staring back at the women who give him the once over. Constant harping only drives him away. When all your conversation is about detailing his moves that day, then you’ve stop having a relationship.

What is the cure? Jenny McCarthy, of all people, was relating on a morning show what made marriages work. One was to exchange passionate kisses about four or five times a week. If you’re sweetie ever found himself in the supply closet with the woman who fancies him, she’s not going to give him a peck on the cheek. Passionate kisses throughout the week also changes how you feel about him for the good. Stirs up all those feelings about why you fell in love in the first place.

A kiss before leaving reminds him what he has at home, and makes him anxious to get back to you according to COSMO magazine relationship expert. Never make the mistake thinking no one wants your man because plenty of women do. Men in happy relationships usually wear blinders as they walk past women obviously checking them out without a backward glance. If they do notice, they look away.

It seems like all marriage experts recommend a date night. It is a time to reconnect without talking about the stressors in your life which include your job, your children, or paying bills. Concentrate on each other and your dreams. You did this before when you dated.

Happily married couples were polled on MSN as to what contributed to their happy marriages. One older couple wrote each other love notes every day and hid them where the other would find them. This allowed the writer to constantly have in the front of his or her mind how special the spouse was. It made them appreciate what they had. The reader of the notes felt constantly cherished—a very good thing. Cherished spouses don’t go looking for confidence boosters elsewhere.

Lastly, why invest all your energy into an emotional affair? In the end what do you get? You get a neglected, unhappy partner and family. They fall by the wayside as you contemplate the dream future you and your emotional affair partner might have. In your dreams he’s everything your current partner is not. Your fantasies are movie worthy. Keep all your energy invested at home and you keep your current happily ever after.

Most women fall out of emotional affairs the more they get to know the guy and find out he’s not so great. In the meantime, your relationship has suffered, and maybe your sweetie has moved on to his own emotional affair. Something to consider before picking up a work husband.


  1. Wise words indeed! Affairs of the physical lead straight into the emotional. Case in point, after my divorce (decades ago)I wanted to HIT SOMETHING and took up tennis. I played doubles opposite an adorable funny guy. I must not have heard him correctly, I thought he'd said he had been separated for three years. I invited him to play tennis in my neighborhood, and one thing lead to another. Later I learned he was separated for three weeks. After his divorce, we married and wow, it still feels like an affair.

  2. Thanks for commenting. I am glad things worked out so well for you.

  3. Those are some good points for happy marriages. I need to take the time to let my hubby know that I love him more often.

    I also want sure where to post so I will just post here. Thanks for the hop! Happy Easter!