Monday, February 25, 2013

Lying Is the New Normal

Lying is the new normal. Smart spouses and companions know when the absolute truth isn’t necessary. This includes little things, like not mentioning that she has put on weight making her pants tight. Trust me she knows it. If she’s asking you point-blank, there is no reward for honesty in these situations. People who insist their faith or their nature requires them to be brutally honest are little more than bullies. Think of all the times you never managed to say nothing, changed the subject, or even left the room to save someone’s feelings. Spouses in good marriages fudge the truth about 25% of the time.

These white lies are mainly about appearance, other people’s appearance, or damage to the car. A good example is asking your date if he finds your best friend attractive. Your friend may be attractive, but an intelligent man would always say no. If he prides himself on his honesty and says yes, then suddenly a scenario begins to play out in your head. Any remarks in references to your friend he makes is analyzed carefully. This has most people treading a thin line when to tell the unvarnished truth. There is a difference in protecting someone’s feeling and lying for personal gain.

Various news stories highlight that many people do not have a qualm lying about their education or experience. A teacher hired to teach remedial algebra actually had no math experience. She lied her way through the interview and hoped to learn on the job. Everything was fine until the second week when a student stole the teacher answer book to prove she knew nothing about math.  Do people approach dating with the same attitude?

Some do. I watched another episode of Catfish, which I liken to watching a train wreck. Someone in the online romance is lying, sometimes both of them. Lying allows the person feel more important. I consider profile pictures where the man is photographed by a small plane, speed boat, or sports car he doesn’t own as a form of lying. There is never any identifying information that this isn’t his stuff. Won’t a potential date want to ride in the car, plane, or boat? Some men think they landed a female so it won’t matter. It does matter. It is just the same as the Catfish participants finding out they aren’t dating an international model, but a felon. He or she wanted to trade romantic interludes with a model. It is the same as some people wanting to date flight attendants, sports stars, and doctors. That is the danger of lying about your career.

Now plenty of people do lie on their profile and on a date to get the date hooked, or so they think. Many women choose to lie about children. They say they don’t have them or fudge on the numbers. Most men can accept a woman with a child, and might even get serious about her, but few would date a woman with five children. The financial and emotional hardship that comes with that many children is something most males would pass on. Some women might respond by saying that is why I had to lie. Still, is it better to mislead someone who will drop you eventually because you weren’t honest? If a guy puts on his profile question he does not want to date a woman with children that MEANS no children.

The biggest lie that both men and women are capable of is regarding marital or availability status. Separated is not divorced. Recently divorced people often push their divorce into the past so as not to seem too fragile or needy. There is also the on again, off again relationship with an ex. Then there is the stalker ex who has majorly terrorized other dates. These are all things you really need to know.  You don’t know if your date is holding back on you. I’ve had girlfriends tell me when they pressed for some type of commitment from their boyfriend he suddenly admits to being married. Shouldn’t that have come up at hello?

People often lie about things that would make them an undesirable catch such as being unemployed, living at home with parents, or being a felon. How will you find these things out if he’s lying? You can take the Catfish approach and Google him or her.  You can actually take their pictures and put them on an image search. Be forewarned this isn’t always accurate. Names are amazingly common. I found 164 people have the same name as me on Facebook alone. Some are single, some married, some raise horses, a couple live in England so you can see why just looking up a person on the Internet doesn’t do it. If your date chooses to use an alternative name then a record search is pointless.

People lie about religion, money and sex. Many people prefer to date within their faith. Surprise, your would-be date is the same faith as you because of a new conversion. Never mind that his profile lists him as atheist. Everyone likes to appear more successful than they are, and some inflate salaries to do that. Debt usually goes up directly in proportion to salary. People usually don’t talk about debt, foreclosures, and bankruptcies if they can help it. When forced, people will fudge the facts. Unfortunately, it will come out when you try to buy a home or car together.

Sex is a tricky issue because sometimes the lies reassure the current mate. No man or woman wants to know the ex was wonderful in bed. Other times, it allows the man usually to proceed full speed ahead. Lies about having a vasectomy or being disease free could cause dire consequences. When AIDS first made its appearance on the dating scene, a survey among men over twenty-five inquired if they would tell their partner if they had AIDS. A whopping 25% said they would never tell their partner.

There’s evidence enough that lying is the new normal. What I have found from my dedicated watching of Catfish, the reality show that exposes lying Romeos and Juliets, the liar is not able to continue the relationship. Those meaningful midnight conversations meant nothing because they were conducted with someone who didn’t exist. The common complaint if they lied about their name, job, or age is whatever else they fabricated.

Consider this when you fudge on your age, career, or post a photo of how you looked twenty years ago. Your date won’t be able to get past the fact you lied. Better yet, why did you lie? Maybe that’s more important than the lie.

1 comment:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.