Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Confidence Game

The first step to dating like a man is self confidence. Act like you are the most wonderful person in the room. Anyone should be glad to know you. If they aren’t anxious to meet you then that’s their loss. I know some of you are shaking your heads thinking that you could never pull this off. I did say ACT. That’s the secret fake it until you make. Why act self confident if you’re not feeling it?

Neediness is the opposite of confidence. It is number one on the list of things that drive men away. A woman lacking self confidence telegraphs desperation. She feels like she can never land a man so she dates anyone who asks her out. Then she usually sleeps with the guy on the first date since that is all she thinks she has to offer. She immediately begins to text, email and call. Maybe she buys him gifts and drops them off at work or home. No wonder the guy runs off screaming which confirms her belief that she has nothing to offer. A worse scenario is the guy hangs around and uses the woman. He keeps her in place by insulting her making her think she can’t do better.

Often when we see men swarming around a woman we make up stories why men are attracted to her without knowing the real reasons. First, is that she dresses like a slut. The second is she is a slut. That somehow eases our mind about her appeal. Some of you might think. I don’t know want to attract all the guys, just one special one. I’m with you on that, but that one special guy will still be attracted by the same thing every other red-blooded man is…and it’s not the fishnet stockings coupled with black leather mini-skirt. Sure, men look—we women look usually we say something like, “OMG, she goes out in public like that.” or “Wonder where I can get that skirt?”

To be a self confident woman, you have to embrace that you are enough right now. Too many women believe a man or a loss of another ten pounds will make them happy—not true. The decision to live in the moment makes the difference. Accept yourself where you’re at, pursue interests you’ve always wanted to, and believe in yourself. Face your fears head on.

My fear was that I would become a lonely, old woman with cats. First of all, I’m not a cat person. Second, I’m fairly involved so I don’t spend a great deal of time alone. Age is relative. I met men much younger than me who seemed much older than me. As for alone, I could be, there have definitely been times in my life when I’ve been alone. It was certainly better than being in bad relationship. Once you’ve accepted your fears they no longer rule you.

A confident, happy person is in the world. They are aware of their surroundings, their positive mood is contagious. Most of us have two types of friends. One type makes us feel happy and upbeat, we usually find ourselves laughing when we are around them. The other type can be fairly clingy and always wants to relate long winded stories starring them as the victim. The happy ones we long to see them when we’re apart. Now the second type you see coming and wonder how you can cut the conversation short. The big difference is the happy person focuses on the people around them while the victim friend is obsessed by her own issues. All people, men included, like people who are interested in them. Take the spotlight off yourself. Focus on others. See other people for who they are and not for what they can do for you.

You’re in the grocery store when a man comes striding down the aisle with a mini-cart (tell-tale sign of possible singlehood.) The man has his shoulders back, head up and is smiling. He scans the shelves and the people. Your eyes meet and you automatically smile you can’t help yourself. He may say something and you find yourself answering. The encounter may last mere seconds, but suddenly you feel different, happier. His upbeat mood spilled over onto you. He focused on you. Now do you see why self confidence is so attractive?

Today, practice smiling at people you’ll have no clue how many people’s days you brighten with just your smile. It is the first step in your self confidence journey. Often we pay attention to our outward appearance and not enough to our inner self. Surprisingly, I’ve had great encounters with mud on my jeans and a ball cap hiding my hair because I focused on the other person.

Believe in yourself right now. You are okay today. I always thought when I lost a few pounds I might be sexy, then, I started belly dancing. I discovered women larger than myself wowing the audience with their sexy mood and attitude. In performance we’re taught to own the room. We’re also taught to act like we’re IT. Surprisingly, our attitude is reflected back by the audience. Not surprisingly, if we put ourselves down we’ll find people who will treat us the same way. If we believe we are truly great people and well worth knowing them we’ll attract the same.

The first step to be irresistible is to believe it yourself. Right now, look in the mirror, and tell yourself you’re fine. I know it sounds silly, but we spend so much time doing negative talk—why not positive talk? When you act like you’re wonderful everything changes making you into a person people want to be around.

Sure, you’ll meet creeps, jerks, users, but as self confident women who know their worth you simply kick them to the curb and go on. Of course, they’re attracted to you who wouldn’t be? You, my friend, are meant for better men.

Go out today, live in the moment, be your personal best, smile---see if your day doesn’t change for the better. I would love to hear about your day and what believing in yourself as done for you? Confidence spills over on everything. My new surge of confidence allowed me to face down the office bully, not exactly what I was expecting, but a definite plus.

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