Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Dating Like A Man

In the beginning when I decided to date again, I got flak from my family. How many times did I want to marry? How many failed relationships did I want and why did I want to date men? My one sister even questioned if our father hadn’t spend enough time with me and that’s why I wanted male companionship.

My initial answer was that I was heterosexual that’s why I wanted to date men. But many heterosexual women don’t date. The most common comment I receive from women is they never dated after their divorce. Something went so terribly wrong that they did not want to suffer through that pain again. I agree on that point, but on the other hand am I depriving myself of a relationship(s) where things are good. The question is how to get here from there.

I needed help so instead of paying $90 an hour for a dating coach I simply read their books. I gathered the books: Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov, Date Like a Man by Myreah Moore, Make Every Man Want You by Marie Forleo. While all three books approached the dating topic differently, they still had common themes and often agreed with each other. The first thing you need is confidence.

As women we often are amazed that the short, chubby guy at a party will continue to hit on all the most beautiful women until he gets one who does pay attention to him. His behavior exemplifies confidence. He feels like he is a prize each woman would be lucky to get. If a woman rejects him that’s her loss he figures and moves on. He doesn’t spend two weeks talking out what’s wrong with him with his guy friends. Women tend to be more critical regarding their own appeal. We also invent whole laundry lists of why someone might not be interested in us based on OUR perception.

Most of our time is consumed with detailing what is wrong with ourselves instead of celebrating who we are right now. In belly dancing, the familiar axiom is to act like we know what we are doing even if we miss a step. People respond to our confidence, even if it isn’t real. Eventually we will be the fabulous dancer we pretend to be. In the meantime, just have fun. The same with dating, act like every man should be honored to know you. Amazingly, the men will come. Better yet, you’ll attract more of the type of men you want to attract.

Before when I talked to a man I’d spend a great deal of time apologizing or putting myself down. I ridiculed everything from my job to my past dating history because I didn’t see myself as a catch. I ended up with men who also put me down.:( If I don’t see myself as wonderful why should anyone else? A man I recently spoke with commented that I was an interesting person. I fought the urge to say how boring I really was. Instead, I agreed with him and he immediately straightened up and leaned forward displaying more interest. My confidence drew him in where my normal self depreciation would have pushed him away.

Find out what’s great about you. Ask your friends. Go out on a voyage of self discovery. Once you can name five things that make you unique and wonderful, you are on your way. Be the person you want to be and have the internal characteristics you want in a man. If you want a person who is honest, financially secure and confident be that person. Like tends to run to like. Opposites may initially attract, but they usually break up later. That brings me to a big difference between men and women dating: the mission statement.

The mission statement is usually placed on the wall somewhere in your business. It is the reason you do what you do or at least the initial reason. Most women date to find a husband while men date for fun. That’s why many women pursue dating with the same diligence they pursue Black Friday shopping. It isn’t about having fun it’s about landing the right guy. It is no wonder after bagging the wrong guy that a woman doesn’t want to go out in the field again.:) All that work for nothing. Men on the other hand just want to have fun. That shouldn’t surprise any of you. Sometimes we complain bitterly about a woman who might date several men at once because she’s acting like a man. Why not date for fun?

If you’re reading my blog then you’ve probably been in a relationship or marriage. You don’t need a husband instead you need a man to find you fascinating and longs to pamper you. Too often we approach every relationship as marriage as the end goal. By doing this, we chase away men that would be fun dates, even very nice short term relationships. Most of us have tried the other route before, like deer hunters we targeted our prospect lured him closer, before pulling the trigger. We find, often years later, that we didn’t get what we thought we wanted. Think of dating as a discovery time. Men do, that’s why they go out with several women trying to decide what they want or what works. Then there’s the fun factor.

The only way you are going to find someone you really like is by meeting lots of datable men. All those movies and books about bumping into that special someone when you first decide to date, well, they’re fiction. Sorry ladies, I wanted to believe in them too. It sure is a lot easier than all the angst you put into dating. Maybe you know someone who met a great guy right out of the gate. Great, I also know someone who did win the lottery, but it doesn’t mean it is going to happen to me.

Remember the short, chubby guy at the party? He had confidence. When he heard about the party he immediately thought about all the women who would be there—not that he didn’t have a date. Secondly, he worked the numbers game. He didn’t go to the corner to assume the fetal position when the first woman rebuffed him. Thirdly, he knew what he wanted and went after it. The question is do you know what you want? I’ll explore knowing what you want, working the numbers and getting confidence in the upcoming blogs.


  1. I recall a coworker of mine years ago who had men flocking to her. She was, indeed, extremely beautiful. I wondered, however, why the men were not turned off by her willingness to agree that she was indeed the smartest, most interesting person around. Some thirty years later, perhaps I can now admit I was jealous. Certainly, no man was going to pay me any attention, because I was the one sitting in the corner grumbling to myself. Not a single shred of evidence of any self-confidence, let alone any sort of interesting personality. Your advice should serve those dating at any age. I wish someone had told me this a long, long time ago.

  2. I would say that men don't have the natural urgency (even if they want a relationship) that women do. Their pool is always growing while the woman's is always shrinking. But I agree with your post. Confidence is key. People of both sexes are attracted to it. Also be happy when you're out. Regardless of how you feel. It's attractive and gloominess is not.

  3. Great advice! I've heard the "confident woman" remarked upon by men who've been interviewed for various articles before. On the other hand, I've also heard that men sometimes find highly intelligent women intimidating. Apparently there's a very fine line....

  4. Hi Peggy,
    I too was very jealous of a beautiful female that men flocked around.Ironically, she told me one day she was jealous of me and my relationship with my boyfriend. I do remember her acting very confident, though, even if she was jealous. Rather like I wish I had your guy, but even so I'm still better than you. LOL

  5. Carly,
    Thanks for commenting. I agree with happy I think we all like happy people, but I disagree with the shrinking pool. I feel like my pool is bigger than it has ever been since I am not looking for someone to create a home with since I have one. Instead of looking for someone who can contribute, I simply enjoy who someone is...opens up much more territory, uh, I mean pools.LOL

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  7. Hi Cheryl,
    I love a smart guy. He can woo me with various theories on the origin of the universe or trivia questions about Star Trek. Still despite the engineer types I prefer...most of them never have a clue I'm smart until about four dates and then they act surprised. LOL

    I do not get dumped for being smart. ;)